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Old 05-23-2011, 09:12 PM   #1
Bewitch324
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Advice for a not quite engaged, going out of her mind future Disney bride...

Ok, please bear with me because this is a bit long winded, but I'm seriously having a freak out and I need words of wisdom from all you experts out there...

We've been together 6 years (and 2 weeks!). Living together for 5 years. We're older--he's 56, I'm 42. He's been married before, I haven't. No kids, we're both too old. We've been talking about the marriage thing for a couple of years, and in November, we designed a ring together and a deposit was put down. (He had decided that he wanted me heavily involved in the ring and diamond choice since I would be wearing it forever and he wanted to be sure I would love it--he tends to second guess himself a lot, even though he's got great taste!) Once the design was finalized and the ring was going to be made, I got out of the loop because he wanted the final part--ring, proposal--to be in his control. Which I thought was sweet and kind of romantic.

Well...we've passed Valentine's Day, we've passed the anniversary of moving in together, we've passed our regular anniversary...it's been months since the ring was "done"....and I'm starting to get really frustrated and upset. I'm wondering if he's not really ready, if he just started down the design road because he thought knowing the ring was coming would make me happy (which it did) and buy him some time (which I guess it did).

We've discussed that Disney is where we want to be married, but beyond that he doesn't want to discuss the wedding at all until we're engaged, but I have no idea when we are getting engaged and he says he wants it to be a total surprise...which how can it be a total surprise when I think about it every day (and really...I've tried not to but I know it's out there!!) not that I've pointed that out to him.

And I know that I'm practically an old lady and I guess I'm not supposed to want or need the proposal and the ring and the wedding...but I do!! It doesn't have to be big and dramatic, but it's something that is important to me and he knows it's important to me and I feel like he's blowing it off or worse, that it's not at all important to him. And he is so NOT a romantic guy, and I get that and I'm assuming when he's ready he'll probably just hand me the box and say something charming like "here you go" and while that idea disappoints me, I understand who he is and that he just doesn't get all sentimental. But at this point, I'm getting aggravated that I haven't even gotten THAT.

And the grown up me says, well you are going to be married for the rest of your lives, what's a few more months before he proposes? And my inner 5 year old stomps her foot and sobs why doesn't he want me NOW???? And I keep having these circular arguments with myself about what I want and what I should want and why I shouldn't be a brat about it...But I'm starting to get resentful.

This is not helped by the fact that we've both been working a ton of hours and not getting enough QUALITY time together and he's been stressed and tense and I'm stressed and tense...but seriously, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not to bring up this major topic because I don't want to push him if he's not ready, but my feelings are getting hurt because it's not happening and I don't want him to do it because I want it, I want him to do it because it is what he wants...and maybe I need to just accept that this isn't what he wants? but that really sends me over the edge. And I feel like all this angst and emotion is spilling over into other areas and he doesn't know that he's walking through a mine field every day...and I don't know what to do. And I SO never wanted to be one of THOSE women. I am making myself crazy.

The intelligent adult response is calm down, let it go, don't have any expectations, it will happen when it happens and when it's meant to happen. And there are WAY more important things to worry about, like the homeless and Afganistan and starving and sick children. And, intellectually, I get all that, I really do. But emotionally? I cannot get my heart on board with that plan at all.

So in a nutshell: all you lovely engaged people happily planning your weddings, and all you experienced married people that look back on the dating/engaged/wedding planning years with fondness (or despair!)...any advice for the crazy lady waiting (perhaps hopelessly) for the ring (and more importantly for her man to be READY for what it all means????).

Thank you for reading (if you've stayed awake this long....)

Brooke
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:18 PM   #2
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My best guess is that he honestly thinks that by waiting a long time, you'll forget about the ring and possible proposal and it really will be a surprise. He probably doesn't realize that you think about it every day! I know one time I bought a Christmas present for my DF when he was in the store with me (it was a few months before Christmas), so I just figured that he would know what that present was in advance. But by the time Christmas rolled around he had genuinely forgotten about it and was surprised! I think men don't dwell on stuff like this as much as we do, and he may think you will just forget about it as time goes on so he can really surprise you. Hopefully he does something soon, but I think that if he's already invested money, time, and thought into the ring, that you should get it eventually!!
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:51 PM   #3
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In my experience, guys are kind of clueless. Hints never work with my DF, I have to lay it all out for him. So, I recommend perhaps going out for a nice dinner and having "the talk." Or, if you're feeling brave enough, do the proposing yourself!
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Old 05-24-2011, 11:56 AM   #4
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Thanks ladies. I know I am overreacting and that he's probably just oblivious. I appreciate your patient and thoughtful comments!

Trying to be more sane today-
Brooke
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Old 05-24-2011, 02:34 PM   #5
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Waiting is really hard!! I agree that men are a bit clueless sometimes. Have you brought it up at all? Maybe you can make a casual comment about how you can't wait to see what your ring looks like once it is done, or something like that to let him know that you're getting antsy? My H and I designed my ring together too and then when we picked it up there still wasn't a proposal and that left me really confused. I didn't say a thing and he ended up proposing a few weeks later with a different ring! lol. Men can be odd at times! I agree that maybe he is hoping that enough time passes that you forget (which is impossible!) so he can catch you by surprise.
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Old 05-24-2011, 02:43 PM   #6
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waiting is hard. waiting is super hard. it had caused several upsets in my household before it finally happened. then it finally happened--when i wasn't expecting it at all. who proposes on labor day i dreamed that planning a wedding would be like a fairytale... and it's turned into a nightmare enjoy the suspense. sit back quietly, have your wedding planned in your head (or on an excel spreadsheet-whatever, lol), have your money saved and when he proposes, call DFTW the next day

ps: you're not crazy--this is totally normal
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:13 AM   #7
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Thank you for telling me I'm not crazy!! (well, I probably am a little crazy, but at least this particular thing is not too crazy, right?)

Last time I brought it up was in March. I asked him for a hint or clue or tease or something...he laughed, he thinks it's funny and I'm being a drama queen. He basically said "you were involved in the whole process, this part is my part. I want you to be totally surprised so stop asking about it." So I stopped asking about it. But he's not much of a planner and there's been NOTHING to even hint that we could possibly be getting close, other than the obvious fact that I know the ring is out there somewhere.

He's been really tense and aggravated about work the last few months, and you know how men get when they aren't happy at work...pretty much bleeds into everything else. And I get it, most days. I doubt he's even given the ring or the proposal any thought at all for the last few months. But I'm afraid to ask about it in case I'm totally wrong and he IS planning something and I derail the plan because I brought it up.

So I'm stuck in the waiting game. I feel better knowing that some of you have faced the same struggles and that you don't think I'm crazy!!

Still hopefull that we'll get there.....eventually!

Brooke
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:09 AM   #8
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Maybe a talk will help him see that you won't forget he's planning to propose, but he can still surprise you with how he does it. If it's really a huge concern for you, tell him that outright. Before we got engaged, I asked DF if he thought we would get married someday, and he said something like, "I don't want to talk about it, because if I do want to I don't want you to know that it's coming." But it really bothered me and I'm pretty sure I ended up crying about it at some point, and so finally he reassured me that he definitely wanted to propose someday. Once he saw how much it really bothered me and concerned me, he wanted to make me happy.
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:18 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by librarygeek View Post
Maybe a talk will help him see that you won't forget he's planning to propose, but he can still surprise you with how he does it. If it's really a huge concern for you, tell him that outright. Before we got engaged, I asked DF if he thought we would get married someday, and he said something like, "I don't want to talk about it, because if I do want to I don't want you to know that it's coming." But it really bothered me and I'm pretty sure I ended up crying about it at some point, and so finally he reassured me that he definitely wanted to propose someday. Once he saw how much it really bothered me and concerned me, he wanted to make me happy.
Thank you. I think you are right. I think he thinks it's funny because it's making me nuts but he doesn't get that I'm really getting upset and worrying about it.

Here's what I've decided: My birthday is coming up, June 22nd. We've decided to do a quick weekend trip to Disney (we're DVC and annual passholders) as my birthday present this year. We're going down Thursday night, coming home Monday morning, staying at BWV for the first time. The trip was my idea but we've been talking for a few months about a trip in the warm weather as the last few years we've gone in November or December and each time has been record breaking COLD. My brother and his family just did a trip that I helped plan so I was jonesing really bad for Disney and he was too (he's not as much of a nut as I am but he does love it too, and he loves how excited I get when we are there.)

Now I KNOW he won't do it at Disney because he would know that I would want that and hope for that and since he wants it to be a surprise I know he just won't go there. Plus I could see him stressing really bad about bringing the ring through security and hiding it from me and all that stuff, so I know it won't happen on the trip. BUT I think what I will do is wait until after the trip, after my birthday is over. Hopefully we'll have a really good time and the few days away from work will help us get to a happier state.

If he hasn't proposed by then (which I am 99% sure will be the case), I will sit him down and tell him how I'm feeling and some of my worries. Even if he doesn't respond with any information, at least I'll know that he hasn't forgotten (or if he has, I've reminded him of it haha). Hopefully, I'll get something from him that makes me feel better or calmer or something !!! So I'm going to try to keep from pressuring him until after the trip so we can have a good time and I'm going to TRY to stop obsessing for a few more weeks. We'll see how successful I'll be with that.

I wish I didn't have this tiny piece that is jumping up and down trying to tell me he'll do it at Disney because really, I do know he won't and I don't want to be disappointed. But I can't seem to help to little hope of "what if he did..." but he won't, seriously. Geez, it's amazing I get any work down with all this tail chasing I've been doing in my head lately!!!

Brooke
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Old 05-26-2011, 02:03 PM   #11
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Thank you. Hopefully it will all work out.

I love him so much but I really need him to follow through on the commitment, know what I mean? I want the tangible evidence on my hand...and let's face it, I really want to start planning my Disney wedding!!!
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