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Old 04-06-2010, 04:37 PM   #31
hereyago
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I only have a tween right now and to be honest, I am scared of the next couple years. I had a very different upbringing or lack there of. I am just trying to figure out what the median will be, you can be too lax or too strict.
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:46 PM   #32
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DS17, DD15, DS15

[*]Grades--they are all in high school and are responsible for their own grades. If they chose not to do their homework and fail a class, they pay the price by either not being eligible for sports, not graduating on time, etc. We don't get involved in making them do homework any longer.
[*]Driving-right now DS17 has pretty much unlimited access to the car in return for running errands for us and running siblings places as needed. State law limits how many people he could have in the car-only one non-related passenger for the first 6 months and only as many kids as there are seatbelts after that. It is pretty much what we would have done anyway. The twins will probably have the same access to the car but until we see how responsible they are with the car, who knows for sure.
[*]Cell Phone/texting--if they go over our minutes, they pay the extra-if they lose a phone, we don't replace it until their next upgrade. If they want to buy one on their own, fine--neither have happened in the 5+ years we have had cell phones for DS17 and then the twins. Other than that, no "rules".
[*]Computer/Social networking sites-they only use Facebook by choice. I have their passwords and I am a friend on their site (for the twins). We have had ZERO issues with this at all. For DS17, he isn't on it much but I no longer have his password nor am I a friend because he has earned that right. I don't need the twins' stuff any more either but they haven't taken me off and I am not going to mention that .
[*]Extra Curricular activities-they have to finish what they start
[*]Dating-high school was our start for "dating". They had "boyfriends/girlfriends" in middle school but they sat by them in lunch and that was about as serious as that got. To go out on a "date" we said high school. Our oldest has had a few girlfriends, nothing very serious. The twins really haven't dated yet--they have a mixed group of friends that everyone just hangs out with right now. When they start getting drivers licenses that will change I am sure.

[*]Curfews--depends on what they are doing. The town has a midnight curfew that they enforce (with exceptions for work/school stuff). On school nights they rarely go out because of sports/homework/school stuff keeping them busy.


Honestly, we don't have a lot of absolute rules for anything. We really have "guidelines" because I don't like making rules just to have rules so you feel like you are being a good parent. We expect our kids to be good people, behave and be responsible. If they do all that, you don't need "rules".
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:49 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cats7494 View Post

What are your household rules for:
  • Grades
  • Driving
  • Cell Phone/texting
  • Computer/Social networking sites
  • Extra Curricular activities
  • Dating
  • Curfews
DD is now 18, but these were the rules we had for her and currently have for DS15:

Grades: A's and B's unless there are extenuating circumstances. Anything below that, extracurriculars are eliminated.

Driving: She was allowed to get her license on her 16th birthday and we gave her the use of our old '93 Chevy pick-up. She had to pay for the gas. No friends were allowed to ride with her the first six months she had her license unless she was transporting them to a school event. We did the Allstate Insurance Teen Driving Contract and there were consequences if any of the rules were broken - fortunately none were.

Cell phone/texting: Cell phones are not given to our kids until after they leave middle school. Originally, DD had 200 texts per month and if she went over the limit she had to pay for them. We now have unlimited on all the phones since we have four lines and it was only a little more expensive. Absolutely no texting while driving and no talking on the phone while driving. Loss of driving privileges if caught. We do allow DD to talk on her cell now since her current vehicle has a hands free unit that she usually only uses when traveling.

Computer/social networking: Computer time is only available after homework/chores are completed. Facebook is okay because they have me as a friend and a lot of their friends do, too.

Extra curricular activities: DD was a three sport athlete and a member of SGA through high school. DS plays football and is in the chorus. I mainly let them do what they think they can handle without it interfering with their grades.

Dating: DD was allowed to date when she was 15 so long as we knew the boy and/or his family. DS has not started dating yet, but the girls are calling.

Curfews: DD had to be home at 11 pm through most of high school until her senior year. There is a curfew here for drivers under 18 so we went by that when she started driving. At age 16, the curfew is 11 pm and 17 it is midnight. We allowed some leeway with the curfew depending on the activity and who was involved. DS doesn't go out much at this point, but he has the same rules DD did.

To the original poster: If it makes you feel any better, DD spent most of her time telling me she had the strictest parents/rules. She never got into trouble, so I'm fine with it.
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:54 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Acklander View Post
by the time our son was 16 we were pretty much treating him like an adult with us as fall back. the reality is, that in 2 short years he was going to be totally responsible for himself and I wanted him to be as best prepared as he could be.



I guess reading over this it sounds like a lot of freedom for a teenager, but we start young with our kids teaching them from day one about personal responsibility and actually making them responsible for their actions. So by the time they reached 16, they were pretty self sufficient and didn't need us looking over their shoulder. Did they make mistakes? Absolutely!!!! And we'd use those mistakes as a learning tool. I didn't need to ground them or take away electronics. Just let them live with the results of the mistakes. If you stay out too late, you're going to be exhausted at work/school the next day. If you flunk a class, you're going to be sitting in summer school while your friends are at the beach, if you spend your money foolishly, you're going to be sitting home while all your friends are out at the movies. I didn't need to come down hard on them when they made a mistake, but I didn't bail them out either.


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Old 04-06-2010, 05:09 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acklander View Post
by the time our son was 16 we were pretty much treating him like an adult with us as fall back. the reality is, that in 2 short years he was going to be totally responsible for himself and I wanted him to be as best prepared as he could be.


What are your household rules for:[LIST][*]Grades: DS had long understood the importance of grades being tied into what he had planned for the future. If he was "college material" it would be one thing, but it was obvious that he wasn't, so instead he chose to concentrate on classes that gave him life skills and trade skills, and we supported him on this. this worked out well for him as he came out of school with basic skills that has been able to grow into a good job.
DS#2 is a different story as he's more of an "academic kid", but even though he's not a teen yet, he understands that grades are his personal responsibility, and he takes it seriously at this time. We don't pay for grades and we don't punish for grades. I guess if he started to slack off we'd address it, however good grades go towards a future goal and we always make sure that they keep that in mind.
[*]Driving: DS started working part-time and summers around age 13 and was able to get his own piece of crap car around 16 or 17. We paid for insurance (to make sure he was fully insured!!!) as his Christmas gift. Other stuff for the car (gas, maintenance, etc..) was his own personal responsibility out of his own funds. When the car wasn't working (as happens with piece of crap cars) he was more than welcome to borrow ours as long as no one else needed it, and he paid for the gas. This worked for us.
[*]Cell Phone/texting: Cell phone is on our family plan with unlimited texting and set amount of hours per phone. We pay for this for each household member since we don't have a home phone and are cell only. Kids seem to go heavy on the texting so don't have an issue with the cell going over on the hours. I don't monitor the kids phone/text use.
[*]Computer/Social networking sites: Everyone in the family has their own computer. I don't monitor anyone except being "friends" with the 10 year old. by mid teen years, I pretty much have stepped away from it. The kids know where to find me if they're having a problem, and so far - so good.
[*]Extra Curricular activities When DS was a teen, he was heavily involved in sports, so each season was involved with a team. He was responsible for getting himself to and from practice, making sure his uniform was clean, and that his grades were kept up so that he wasn't bumped from the team. We'd show up at his home games (and DH would usually go to the away games as well) but DS was responsible for picking his own extra curricular activities and the responsibilities that went along with it.
[*]Dating: I think DS started casual dating (in groups, with friends to movies, hanging at teen center etc...) around 14. He dated who he wanted, when he wanted, and we pretty much stayed out of it. He was responsible for paying for any dating related activity.
[*]Curfews; by 16 DS was responsible for letting us know where he was, but didn't have a curfew. Keep in mind, he was also responsible for making sure he was where he was supposed to be on time (school, sports, weekend/summer job) so coming in late wasn't an issue - he needed to sleep to accomplish everything he was responsible for. During weekends and summers he'd usually stay out later with friends but it was never THAT late because he knew he had to be up for a game, or work the next day.

I guess reading over this it sounds like a lot of freedom for a teenager, but we start young with our kids teaching them from day one about personal responsibility and actually making them responsible for their actions. So by the time they reached 16, they were pretty self sufficient and didn't need us looking over their shoulder. Did they make mistakes? Absolutely!!!! And we'd use those mistakes as a learning tool. I didn't need to ground them or take away electronics. Just let them live with the results of the mistakes. If you stay out too late, you're going to be exhausted at work/school the next day. If you flunk a class, you're going to be sitting in summer school while your friends are at the beach, if you spend your money foolishly, you're going to be sitting home while all your friends are out at the movies. I didn't need to come down hard on them when they made a mistake, but I didn't bail them out either.



I did the same thing with mine, now it is a lot of trust...My step sons on the other hand I really worry about them as they aren't responsible enough to go to bed with out being told, or to eat when they are hungry let alone brushing their teeth or taking a shower. I never have had this trouble with mine. Ex. on weekends they are allowed to stay up till 12 pm if they are quite and go to bed at 12 pm, but they have never been able to do this. dh and I are fighting over this one right now. He thinks it is ok (even when they were here over spring break and we had to work) I was up trying to make them be quite so I could sleep but dh is fighting me when i said that we need to make them go to bed at 10 then. I don;t get it if the kids can't be responsible enough to do what they are told they need a consequence to make them understand it. They are NOT that young either they are 14, 12, and 10. old enough to know to do these things and young enough to be punished when they don't. how do I get dh to get this through his head???
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:54 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cats7494 View Post
Ok, my dear DIS friends - time to share your rules for your teenagers!
My daughter is 16 and apparently I am "soooooooooooooooooo strict"! lol

So now, I am really curious about where I really stand on the "strict - lax" continuum.

What are your household rules for:


And any other topic you see fit to share about...
What are your household rules for:
  • Grades she has good grades so np
  • Driving as long as she follows the state rules no drive after 9...pays for her gas and insure also no text while drive
  • Cell Phone/texting no problem
  • Computer/Social networking sites no problem.. Im her friend on all her sites
  • Extra Curricular activities no problem
  • Dating no alone in house!!!! no going to his house.. Would like to see her go out with boyfriend on dates more and no dateing until she turned 16 and had our ok
  • Curfews depends on what they are doing,, movie at 7 be back by 10 ect
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Old 04-06-2010, 07:22 PM   #37
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I have one that recently turned 17 and this is where we are:

Grades - I have to see that he is trying and applies himself

Driving - still learning and until I'm satisfied that he has it down he won't be driving anywhere.

Cell Phone/texting - no rules as long as he keeps it under control

Computer/Social networking sites - I don't monitor but I'm always flitting around

Extra Curricular activities - no real rules, just keep grades up

Dating - can if he wishes to

Curfews - no set curfew, it depends on what he's doing
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:47 PM   #38
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I don't have a child at all, but thought I would post what my parents did with me...

* Grades - I had to do my best, but my parents did offer money for good grades... however, they took money away for bad grades. I got $10 for an A, $5 for a B, $0 for a C, -$5 for a D, and -$10 for a F.

* Driving - I personally didn't want my license until I was 16... I was closer to 17 when I finally got it. Just wasn't a big deal for me. Once I got it though, I didn't have many restrictions though we only had 2 cars so I had to have permission to take one.

* Cell Phone/texting - Didn't have one until way into college. If I was driving somewhere, one of my parents would lend me one of theirs JUST in case.

* Computer/Social networking sites - Computer was in the living room but that was mostly because we could only afford one back then. I didn't have many restrictions and spent time chatting to many people in Star Wars and Chicago Bulls chat rooms.

* Extra Curricular activities - Anything I wanted to do, but I had to figure out how to get to and from.

* Dating - I was never really told any restrictions, but I didn't even date until my senior year in high school. I was friends with the guys... but didn't really care to "date" them. Didn't seem like it was needed lol.

* Curfews - Depended on the situation. School nights it was 9pm unless it was something school related like a dance or football game. Weekends it really depended on what we were doing. I was not (and still am not) a late night person so I never had an issue with it.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:56 PM   #39
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I'm pretty lax but I have to laugh at the curfews. My DD doesn't really have one because basically she is at the school forever!!!

Right now she is at the school doing tech crew for try-outs for their end of the year variety show! It's almost 9 pm our time and I'm suspecting she won't get done until 10 or 11 pm.

Their musical rehearsals went from 7 pm - 10 pm for what seemed like forever!! She doesn't have her licenses so I'm always driving. The actual musical performances didn't get over until 10:30 pm & one of those was on a school night.

Last year she was on the gymnastics team, 90% of the away meets they didn't get home until at least 10:30 pm.

Therefore she doesn't really have a bedtime either. As long as she's quiet and can get up at her 5:45 AM the next day for school, no problems. I was the same way when I was a teen, I was a night owl but managed to get myself up for school, so as long as she can do that, I'm good.
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Old 04-06-2010, 09:13 PM   #40
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DD is 15

* Grades- high honor roll-if she gets all 16 quarters of high school high honor roll, we buy her a car for graduation. (we most likely will without her doing this, but she doesn't know that. )
* Driving- permit at 16, two years of practice, license and car at 18
* Cell Phone/texting-1500 texts a month, she goes over, she loses the phone until she pays the overage. Phone is turned off at 9pm on school nights and charged in our room. Unlimited use on weekends. We blocked pix texting on her phone. I don't want to worry about that at all in either direction. We'll reevaluate next year at 16 all of the phone stuff.
* Computer/Social networking sites-one computer in the main area of the house. I have full access to all her sites, emails and passwords and check them from time to time. She doesn't seem to mind. She spends very little time online. Mostly for homework research.
* Extra Curricular activities-One sport a season and a couple of clubs or organizations. She would join everything and be busy 24/7, but I think she needs down time with family and friends just as much as the other things.
* Dating- no dating one on one until she is at least 16-I wish I had said 18, but I'm going to have to let her, because we've been telling her 16 for years and she's looking forward to it. I'm hoping she still does group dates until she's 18. (doubtful) She has a new "boyfriend" almost every other week, but it usually goes no farther than texts, phone calls and maybe hanging out with a bunch of friends at the skate rink or the movies.
* Curfews- no set curfew, depends on what she's doing. She's usually in bed at 9:30pm school nights and gets herself up at 6am with no prodding from me. Weekends sometimes she's out past midnight- 1am at a friends house-people we know and trust and she has sleepovers here all the time.

We sound so strict, but it's working for us. She's very happy, thriving at school and loves life.
She's a joy and I don't get it. I was a holy terror at 15....
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Old 04-07-2010, 10:39 AM   #41
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Mine are DS20 and DD19 so I'm technically over this hump but here's what we "had".

What are your household rules for:
  • Grades--like going anywhere, using anything like computers or phones, make good grades....anything is up to be mine if you don't.
  • Driving--always tell me where you're going and when. I bought the cars and can take them back at any time!
  • Cell Phone/texting--don't be talking or texting late. It would effect grades and then you have no one to talk to when I take that phone.
  • Computer/Social networking sites--We had one computer in the living room until I was comfortable about what they were doing. DS now has 4 and DD has 2.
  • Extra Curricular activities--tell me who's going to be there, what they will be doing, will adults be present, not just in the building, and when. If I like the answers, they could go, if not, they didn't go.... and stomped off about how bad of a parent I am.
  • Dating--it depended on who was to be the date, where they were going, who would be there, etc. If I didn't approved, then the they were home at 10. If I approved, the time was later.
  • Curfews--same as dating. Just hanging out with friends was always later than dating.
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Old 04-07-2010, 11:19 AM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cats7494 View Post
Ok, my dear DIS friends - time to share your rules for your teenagers!
My daughter is 16 and apparently I am "soooooooooooooooooo strict"! lol

So now, I am really curious about where I really stand on the "strict - lax" continuum.

What are your household rules for:
  • Grades
  • Driving
  • Cell Phone/texting
  • Computer/Social networking sites
  • Extra Curricular activities
  • Dating
  • Curfews

And any other topic you see fit to share about...
I have 16 & 13 yr old DD's

- Grades - both do very well, A's and a few B's. I have never helped them with homework, they do it all themselves.
- Driving - my 16 yr old has her license and we bought her a car. In Vermont they can't have anyone in the car for the first 6 months - LOVE THIS!!! She isn't chomping at the bit to have a bunch of friends with her in the car either. She knows the liability she has driving others aroudn.
- Cell phone - texting - both girls have phones and put them away when they go to bed. Never an issue. 13 yr old textes more than 16 yr old.
- Computer - both have laptop and itouch with wifi. Neither one has a Facebook as they don't care to have one. Computer is mostly used for homework.
- Extra activities - girls can do what they choose as long as their grades are kept up. 16 year old works babysitting and will work full time this summer doing that. She really enjoy shopping so making money is what she wants to do. 13 year old loves basketball. She will be in a few camps this summer. She also plays soccer.
- Dating - neither one date. However, they have PLENTY of friends who are boys and they are at our house frequently.
- Curfew - so far we haven't had to deal with this. Even though 16 yr old has a car she hasn't wanted to go places and stay out late.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:50 PM   #43
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Hmmm...this was interesting to see what you guys enforce on your kids. Here's a teen's perspective (18) with a younger brother too (16).

Grades: For me, grades have never been an issue so I don't get punished for not trying or bad grades. I keep Bs in my AP/Honors courses and A's in my regular courses. My brother, on the other hand, puts little effort into school. So, if he has two C's because his test grades from the week were low he can't go out over the weekend. There are two different sets of rules for us.

Driving: My brother doesn't have his license yet, but I have to pay the gas for my car. When I first got my license my parents wanted to me to follow the one person for six month rule, but they didn't enforce it heavily. I'm allowed to drive basically where ever I want (into Chicago, the next town over, around the block). Anything that happens to the car is my responsibility.

Cell Phone/ Texting: Don't abuse the unlimited texting. My brother had 2,000 texts in two weeks; he got the phone taken away for the rest of the month. They can check the messages whenever but haven't in a lonnngg time.

Computer: I've had my own laptop for 7 years now. Three years ago they stopped checking what I do. We both have Facebooks and neither of my parents check it or are on Facebook. I got a MacBook Pro for my birthday/Christmas/high school graduation this year so that's stays in my room.

Extra Curricular's: Keep your grades up. I never had a problem with this but my brother is with golf next year. They are threatening no golf next year if his grades don't go up. I played basketball freshman and sophomore year and since the end of that have had a part time job plus a volunteer thing and an internship. As long as I can handle everything I can do anything.

Dating: I don't have time.

Curfew: 10:30 for my brother. 1am for me. Sometimes it's 2 or 3 depending on what I'm doing. If we miss curfew too many times curfew either gets moved up or we get grounded.

I guess I would say my parents are pretty leinent with the rules around here. We are good kids who don't get into much trouble so they don't have much to worry about.
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