|12-08-2009, 06:24 AM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 2007
How do you kick an alcoholic out of the house?
I will try to make this a short story. Bottom line is I have an alcoholic brother (40) who lives with my Mom. (Dad was a recovered alcoholic and passed away 5 years ago not from alcohol, he had cancer)
We did an intervention with this brother about 9 years ago. He stayed sober for a few years and then went back to drinking. Mom is an enabler, she does know it but has her own issues and does not follow through with her threats to him. Over the years she will call me once she gets mad at him, I get worked up only to have her say the next day... oh, he is doing better today... he promised he would...(fill in the blank for whatever he promised he would do)
Finally one day I told her I didn't want to hear it anymore... I cannot waste my time and energy if she refuses to do anything. This is a pattern that happens all the time.
I cannot control my brother and I will not get involved if she will not follow through.
Since then I stopped hearing about *their problems*
Well, she called me the other day. He is getting worse (surprise, surprise) only now she is really scared of him. He is verbally abusing her, he is intimidating. For the safety of my Mom my two other brothers and I have decided he needs to get out.
Here is where I need help, just how do we go about doing this? We (my brothers and I are going to get together tonight and talk about it).
We will get the locks changed, do we just tell him to leave? Do we give him time to take his stuff from
the house. He has crap all over Mom's townhouse, camping equipment in his room, tools in the basement. Do we have him come back another time to empty out his crap? We need to do some tough love, we are all aware of it. I just don't know where to begin? Can AA help us out with ideas?
Oh and once again Mom is saying he needs to get out. She plans on going to an Alon non meeting tonight. thanks for any help or ideas.
|12-08-2009, 06:44 AM||#3|
I really do have to get a life!
Goes through peanuts like an elephant
Join Date: Apr 2001
May I also suggest that you may want to attend an Al-Anon meeting, they are for family and friends of alcoholics. Your life has been affected by someone else's drinking. I hope things work out for you, take care.
91; 92 Poly
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|12-08-2009, 09:39 AM||#4|
Reserving the right to make jokes out of typos - but NOT the people who make them - since 2012
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: There is no Pixie Dust on the Transportation Board!!!
Once he's out, you and your other brothers go pack up his stuff and get it out of your mother's house. Put it in storage, pay for the first month, tell him where it is and that he's responsible for paying the rental fee or the facility will sell off his belongings.
|12-08-2009, 10:08 AM||#5|
If I ever have a garage sale the neighbors will think I have major wine and condiment addictions
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: middle of nowhere washington
you need to find out if his behaviours meet the level that your mom can get a restraining order such that the police would assist in his removal. if it does'nt and he is the type that won't willingly leave if told to you need to look at what his 'status' is in the home to see what your legal options are.
by status-does he pay rent (a renter or boarder), or even if he does'nt actualy pay her is he supposedly obligated to (they agreed he'd pay x to stay there but he never has or it's sporadic). if he falls into either of these categories, and his behaviour is not something the police will remove him for immediatly, then you have to start looking at landlord/tenant laws where your mom lives for the eviction process.
as for his personal property it's going to depend on what his status is-former tenants have legal rights that you probably want to make yourself aware of (re. storage, chance to remove things from a place evicted from). if it's a restraining order issue then the local police could advise you on it.
for help-you might call your local social services and ask for the adult services division, they might be able to steer you in the right direction for your brother AND, if your mom is age 60 or older you might be able (for her protection) to make an elder abuse/endangerment complaint that would get her some assistance in the matter.
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|12-08-2009, 10:20 AM||#6|
Left foot first!
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: North Kingstown, RI
I agree that your mom needs to obtain a Restraining Order. In RI you need to show that you are in fear of bodily harm (which it seems she may be). Once the Restraining Order is in effect move this stuff into a storage unit, give him that information and change the house locks. Then don't answer the phone, etc. It's very difficult, trust me. But you have to do it for everyone's safety
|12-08-2009, 10:21 AM||#7|
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: New Mexico
Please don't EVER think that one family member would never hurt another family member. This is a very bad situation in more ways than you may realize! I guarantee that if he has not been violent, this WILL send him over the edge.
To this day, my ex (alcoholic) does NOT remember this "incident." I filed for divorce and he did not respond within the timeframe stated by law. He received the paperwork (I was actually still living in the home, waiting for an apartment in the housing projects to come open cause it was his home before we got married) and found out that since he did not respond I got EVERYTHING that I asked for.
Our daughter was just a little over 1 year old. I was holding her in my arms. He threw a cast iron skillet at my head. Almost hit the baby.
Take EVERY legal step you can, even if you "think" it is not necessary!
|12-08-2009, 11:15 AM||#8|
Join Date: Mar 2007
thank you everyone so far for your advice. It really means a lot.
When my Mom moved into the townhouse it was agreed he could stay with her as long as he didn't drink. He is supposed to pay rent, but only does when he feels like it.
Yes, even though to our knowledge he has not physically hurt her I certainly do understand this could push him over the edge which is why I am trying to gather up all the info I need BEFORE we go ahead with this. Mom is over 60 so I will look into that too.
|12-08-2009, 01:07 PM||#9|
We'll remember when...
No time for green bananas
When the going gets tough, she gets the Palmolive!!
If I knew we were going to be graded here, I might try harder
Join Date: May 2001
Unfortunately, you and your brothers "can't" kick him out.. Your mom has to do it - because it's her home and she's the one he's living with..
She needs to call the police and file a complaint in regards to his threats. At the same time, she needs to make it perfectly clear to the authorities that she wants him (and his belongings) out of her home by "XYZ".. If she feels he's going to "act out" when he receives this news, she needs a restraining order as well.. Based on what you have said though, it sounds like she may change her mind again and you're right back to square one..
Bottom line is you and your brothers really don't have the authority to have him kicked out.. It's all up to your mom..
"Maturity begins when we're content to be right about something without finding it necessary to prove that someone else is wrong.." ~ Author Unknown
"I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
So I wrote your name in my heart,
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|12-08-2009, 03:30 PM||#10|
YAY for good weather!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Suisun City CA
Oh no, I'm sorry it's gotten to this point! Take your Mom to the PD and have her fill out the forms for the RO and file a report on his behavior. That will help. I'm here if you have questions, remember I had to do that with John.....
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|12-08-2009, 03:47 PM||#11|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: NW New Jersey
Hugs to you and your family what you are going through.
Your mom needs to speak to the police and file a restraining order to get him out of the house. Is it possible your mom can stay with you for a few days or you stay with her when he is first out so she feels safe and so she does not let him back in.
Also, see if she is willing to speak to a therapist, preferably an addictions specialist who will be able to help her with her enabling problem. Al anon meetings are good too.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and it is a tough journey I do not wish upon my worst enemy!
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