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Old 12-08-2009, 02:09 AM   #1
pooh101
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:06 AM   #2
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My advice would be to get out. I know that you know this and I know it is MUCH easier said than done.

Based on your post, I don't think your husband is in a frame of mind to work on or improve anything. He is an abuser and he enjoys controlling you and degrading you. This will go on until the day you die.

If you think your children would prefer a comfortable home and "things" over a harmonious home, I think you may be misjudging that situation. I've never heard someone who was a child of a dysfunctional marriage EVER say that they were glad their parents stayed together so that they could continue with their creature comforts. Most always say that their lives became way less stressful with they left a discordant home.

I don't know what your situation is--if you have family that can take you in, but I think you need to get out of there.
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Old 12-08-2009, 09:57 AM   #3
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Old 12-10-2009, 07:54 AM   #4
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The kids may be used to material comforts but they need emotional comfort more. I left my first husband when my son was 1. I didn't want him to grow up thinking that it was ok for a man to physically and emotionally abuse a woman. We had to move to a trailer while my husband bought top of the line Mercedes, took trips to Hawaii, etc. It was worth it though because my son had peace and so did I.
It was tough going financially. I ended up meeting my present husband a couple of years later and he is wonderful. We've been together for 30 years. My son is now a successful attorney.
I hope you find peace.
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Old 12-12-2009, 12:03 PM   #5
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Please find a way to get out. You have value and shouldn't be treated this way. BUT if you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. They still have a few years in which they can learn how people should be treated.

My mom left an abusive husband when I was 14. (she had her flaws too, she was a liar and a cheater). A family from
my town took me under their wing and taught me
how people should be treated. Plus, their wonderful oldest DS is now my wonderful DH!

Anyway.... Call the largest nearby church when your DH isn't around. If they can't help you with places to start looking for help try the library. Don't give up! Prayers being said.
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Old 12-17-2009, 07:56 AM   #6
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I pray that your situation will have a positive and peaceful resolution.
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:00 PM   #7
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Sending prayers your way. I was in an abusive marriage - it's not easy but getting out was the best thing I ever did, for my daughter's sake and mine. (That was my first marriage - my DH that passed away in January was nothing like that - he was a gentle, loving, dear man.)
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:46 PM   #8
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Child of an abusive dad chiming in here, fwiw.

The best thing my mother ever did was leave my dad for us. He was extremely abusive, psychologically and verbally. He tore my mother down on an almost daily basis. He called us names and verbally berated us anytime he felt like we didn't live up to his standards. I'll never forget the day she stood up to him. At 8 years old, I told my mother we needed to pack our things and leave. It wasn't the first time she had tried, but it was the first time I spoke up. I had been on anti-anxiety medication since age 5. We ended up having to live with my grandmother because my "dad" refused to pay child support. The one time my mom pushed the issue through the courts, he threatened to kill her (in front of me and my sister, and his parents, and a courthouse full of people). At 34, I still suffer from damage he did to us, but through therapy and support, I moved on.

I'm telling you this so you'll understand that your kids are being negatively affected by this right now, whether you can see that or not. They may internalize their stress and you might not see it for years. But rest assured, they are being affected by every bit of what is going on inside the home. I know from watching my mom how hard it is to leave. Abusers don't change. Period. You need to start with any available resources available in your area for abused women. Work your way out from there. The first step will be the hardest, but many women before you have done it. You can do it too. I'll be praying for you. It isn't an easy road, but your sanity and safety (and that of your kids) is the important thing.
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Old 01-07-2010, 10:13 PM   #9
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I'm coming in here late I agree with what everyone has said. Leave. I know it's not going to be easy, but in the long run you will be better off. Without the abuse you may get yourself on track and the meds will go back to working. He is keeping you down. I think one very good reason to leave is your son. If he is growing up seeing this, he in turn will grow up and do it to his wife.Yor daughter may also grow wup thinking it's okay to be treated this way by a man. Best of luck.
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Old 01-12-2010, 02:13 AM   #10
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:41 PM   #11
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That right there what your son said is totally the reason you need to get yourself to somewhere safe for them and you to heal. Go to a women's shelter they can help you with resources to get back on your feet. Please trust what all these women are saying to you. I will keep you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers. You know in your heart what you have to do, just look and trust your instincts!
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:52 PM   #12
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Also a survivor of parental abuse

My father was physically and verbally abusive to everyone in the house. He was also an alcoholic. My mother wouldn't get a divorce or leave him either - she was a strict Irish catholic by the time we got a priest to convince her she could separate from him it had cost her the life of a child.

My brother didn't come home from an outing with friends one Sunday, my sister and I went home, he was walking to a friend's house to see if he could crash there for the evening and got set upon by some gang members from another area looking for trouble. My brother was beaten to death. My mother never forgave herself - she spent the rest of her life questioning if she had left my father earlier would her son be alive today? Would he have come home if his father wasn't there?

Also, so far you've been lucky that he hasn't touched the kids - that's just a matter of time. I'm the youngest of 5 - for my eldest sister she was a teenager before he beat her - for me - my earliest memory of my fater is being thrown through a window when I was 4.

Leave now! Pack up your bags and the kids and just be gone before he gets home from work. Go to a women's abuse shelter they will help you get on your feet and clear your head. They can help you and the kids regain a sense of balance and self esteem. And don't kid yourself - your children see what's going on and they may be wondering why you stay? and yes they will give you a rough time the first time you say no - but they'll get over it. They won't get over what happened to my brother and neither will you!
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