I think my daughter might have or on the verge of having an eating disorder :(

[Jane Doe]

I am a long time poster, posting under an alias..........

I'm looking for answers to some questions about my DD17, senior in high school.

When she was much younger she was slightly overweight - I can't even say overweight - but was at the top of the weight chart. Never had a muffin top but was heavier than her 2 sisters who are very thin. During high school she became conscious of her weight, which is normal & began thinning out - each year wearing smaller sizes.

Over the last 4 or 5 months I have noticed a significant change in her eating habits & noticed an increase in her weight loss. At the start of high school she wore a size 10 jeans & is now size 4. At the beginning of the school year she was a size 6 jeans. She always wore medium tops & is now an extra small. This alone wouldn't be a major cause of concern but...............

I have noticed she that she doesn't eat as much at all. Very, very small portions. In the evening if we sit down to watch "our shows" together with the family & have a snack she will always opt out saying she is not hungry. Many meals when I question her portions she says she's just not hungry right now. She grabs a breakfast bar for breakfast & leaves - whether she eats it is a guess. She has started to "de-crust" her bread (is that a word?) saying she doesn't like it. Food is pushed around on her plate & when we mention something she says "I did eat" or "I'm not that hungry - I had some snacks at school this afternoon." Has gotten away from eating any form of junk food (which isn't a bag thing, I know). Even these things wouldn't be a huge concern, because I could say that she is really watching what she eats & trying to be healthier, but............

DH & I realized that at the beginning of the school year I put $50 on her lunch card. She just told me that she needed more money on it as she was down to about $7 - they have been in school for over 10 weeks. That is less than $1 per day for lunch. A regular school lunch is $2.25. Her sister has already had her card reloaded 2X. I have found 1/2 eaten snack bars in her room. We were together yesterday & had a bagged lunch. I saw that she "de-crusted" her bread, but then today I found the remainder of her sandwich & a peeled banana wrapped up in paper towels & the bag she had with her yesterday. Maybe one bite was gone from each item. It's not that she never eats, because she will make a sandwich, some fruit, cheese & crackers & eat them, but not a lot.

We ordered dinner out last night & she said she wasn't very hungry. I didn't know about the hidden lunch at that time. She ordered a chicken wrap & I noticed her pulling the chicken pieces out & leaving everything else. I asked her about it & she took a few bites of the wrap & ate a few fries before pushing everything around to make it look like she ate more than she did. I've noticed her do this with subs or lunch meat sandwiches also - pulling out the insides, leaving the bread.

Last week she went out with friends & ate some kind of turkey sub, threw up that evening & said she felt sick for about 2 days after that.

Also.............she has passed out about 3X in the last year or so. She has always been obsessed with her thighs & butt - always telling us they are too big & she wishes they were thinner. When I tell you she is thin as a rail right now, she is thin as a rail.

She went to the gyno last week & they weighed her, but she never told me what that weight was. I don't know if they'll give me the info if I call - she is not 18 yet, as I said. Also, the last 2X she was measured - last week & about 2 weeks prior she had shrunk an inch. I tried to research why a teen would lose an inch in her height on-line but found nothing.

DH & I are very concerned & don't know where to start with this. She is out of town on a school trip right now until Tuesday evening. I'm so concerned about her eating. Her sister is on the trip also & I told her to make sure she keeps an eye on her eating & hopefully she will, but right now there's not much else I can do.

Anyone else deal with this? Where do we star?. We don't want to frighten her by being accusatory, because if we are dealing with an eating disorder then she will just find other ways to hide food or also start binging & purging.

TIA for your help!

[AKL_Megs]

First, to you.

Do you know if there is any aspect of your DD's life in which she feels totally out of control? Friends? Sports? School work?

I ask because, almost ALL of the time, anorexia (and bulemia) is used as a way people gain control over SOMETHING in their lives... meaning their weight or food intake.

Is she depresed? Unfortunately, most anorexic (and bulimic) people tend to be depressed or really unhappy.

Have you had a good talk with her about this? She may be screaming for someone to notice her! Please, talk with her! Consult with her doctor! Going from a size 10 to a size 4 is WAY too much weightloss.

[lovetoscrap]

Wow. to you. It sounds like you may be in for a long road.

I don't have any experience but I would think the first thing you need to do is call her Primary Care doctor and let them know what is going on and get her in immediately to be evaluated. It certainly sounds like all the signs of an eating disorder and you can't help her alone. Your doctor should be able to guide you.

[minkydog]

I would be concerned too. I'm the mom of a DD16. She's a dancer and she has that very thin dancer's body. She wears a size 0, so I watch her like a hawk. So far she's doing well, not losing but not gaining either. However, if I see that she's not eating, exercising to the extreme, or if I suspect she's vomiting I will be on her like white on rice. Girls(and women) can die from an eating disorder.

I'd call her doctor with your concerns, maybe even go in for a consultation without her. Eating disorders are quite common amongst teenage girls and they have to be handled carefully. Since she's under 18 you still have control over her legally. I'd suggest you do something NOW because once she turns 18 she will be under no obligation to seek treatment if she does'n't want it.

I know you must be so worried.

[shrubber]

I know you will get a LOT of responses here about 'take her to doctor right away' ect.
I would offer this advice to try first.

Try the ' Hey, DD, I noticed that you seem to be eating healthier ( said with a smile )
Since I'm doing most of the cooking, is there anything I can do to help?
Frankly, I'd like to start eating healthier too, but i'm concerned about getting enough nutrition ect.
I'd be more than happy to help you along, or even join in ( this heathier eating ) if you let me know what sort of diet you are on or what your goals are......'

I will bet dollars to donuts that you will get more info out of her this way than if you do the
' Listen, we all love you and are concerned about your health and the dangers that accompany...blah, blah, blah...'

[Jane Doe]

Originally Posted by AKL_Megs

First, to you.

Do you know if there is any aspect of your DD's life in which she feels totally out of control? Friends? Sports? School work?

I ask because, almost ALL of the time, anorexia (and bulemia) is used as a way people gain control over SOMETHING in their lives... meaning their weight or food intake.

Is she depresed? Unfortunately, most anorexic (and bulimic) people tend to be depressed or really unhappy.

Have you had a good talk with her about this? She may be screaming for someone to notice her! Please, talk with her! Consult with her doctor! Going from a size 10 to a size 4 is WAY too much weightloss.

Well, she had been on the swim team since 7th grade & had to quit last year due to a strong reaction to the chlorine that they use & the poor ventilation at the high school. It was affecting her asthma & her breathing. The was the one thing she did that was just hers, so it kind of did define her.

I don't find she is depressed, but I did mention to DH that I have noticed a change in her personality. She has always been a happy, easy going girl & the last few months she is not always herself. A little rebellious in her attitude & not seeming as enthusiastic about some things. This is not the norm for her.

DH & I did find something she had written months ago about how she didn't feel she "fit in". We talked to her about it & she said that it was written long ago & she did not feel that way but was having a bad day. It broke my heart.

She is very popular at school - on the senior class board - very well liked, always happy, always smiling, always doing something for someone else. She literally always thinks of the other person before thinking of herself & would give a stranger her last dime if they needed it. She was nominated for "most talkative" at school.

We spend a lot of time together as she works at my business with me. I spoke to her a few weeks ago & mentioned that she didn't seem as happy there as she has been in the past. She told me that sometimes she doesn't feel like she's qualified to do what I ask. Of course, I told her if she wasn't qualified I wouldn't put her in the position. She seemed fine when the conversation was over.

Her annual physical was cancelled on Friday & I have to call her ped tomorrow to reschedule. I hope we can get in soon.

[Jane Doe]

Originally Posted by shrubber

I know you will get a LOT of responses here about 'take her to doctor right away' ect.
I would offer this advice to try first.

Try the ' Hey, DD, I noticed that you seem to be eating healthier ( said with a smile )
Since I'm doing most of the cooking, is there anything I can do to help?
Frankly, I'd like to start eating healthier too, but i'm concerned about getting enough nutrition ect.
I'd be more than happy to help you along, or even join in ( this heathier eating ) if you let me know what sort of diet you are on or what your goals are......'

I will bet dollars to donuts that you will get more info out of her this way than if you do the
' Listen, we all love you and are concerned about your health and the dangers that accompany...blah, blah, blah...'

Thank you- I did think of this also & in reality could use a healthier diet myself.

This just worries me so much................

[AKL_Megs]

Originally Posted by Jane Doe

Well, she had been on the swim team since 7th grade & had to quit last year due to a strong reaction to the chlorine that they use & the poor ventilation at the high school. It was affecting her asthma & her breathing. The was the one thing she did that was just hers, so it kind of did define her.

I don't find she is depressed, but I did mention to DH that I have noticed a change in her personality. She has always been a happy, easy going girl & the last few months she is not always herself. A little rebellious in her attitude & not seeming as enthusiastic about some things. This is not the norm for her.

DH & I did find something she had written months ago about how she didn't feel she "fit in". We talked to her about it & she said that it was written long ago & she did not feel that way but was having a bad day. It broke my heart.

She is very popular at school - on the senior class board - very well liked, always happy, always smiling, always doing something for someone else. She literally always thinks of the other person before thinking of herself & would give a stranger her last dime if they needed it. She was nominated for "most talkative" at school.

We spend a lot of time together as she works at my business with me. I spoke to her a few weeks ago & mentioned that she didn't seem as happy there as she has been in the past. She told me that sometimes she doesn't feel like she's qualified to do what I ask. Of course, I told her if she wasn't qualified I wouldn't put her in the position. She seemed fine when the conversation was over.

Her annual physical was cancelled on Friday & I have to call her ped tomorrow to reschedule. I hope we can get in soon.

She sounds a little depressed, and it sounds like she might have some self esteem issues. Would you consider a therapist for her to talk to? Sometimes, talking to someone about things helps... she doesn't even need to talk about the eating... just what makes her feel inferior. Poor thing, 17 is a tough, tough time.

[luvdzny]

However, if I see that she's not eating, exercising to the extreme, or if I suspect she's vomiting I will be on her like white on rice

Actually that would be the worst approach. As a previous poster stated, most of the time eating disorders are about control, if you try to force her to eat, she will lose control. If she does have an eating disorder you will need professional help.

[Jane Doe]

Originally Posted by AKL_Megs

She sounds a little depressed, and it sounds like she might have some self esteem issues. Would you consider a therapist for her to talk to? Sometimes, talking to someone about things helps... she doesn't even need to talk about the eating... just what makes her feel inferior. Poor thing, 17 is a tough, tough time.

DH & I actually discussed having her talk to someone this morning.

Also, we are going to do some on-line research later tonight about eating disorders.

I could scream because I had a "funny feeling" a few months ago & mentioned it to DH but he told me he thought the kids were just so busy that they were always eating on the run. Always go with a mother's first instinct! I'm not bashing my DH at all, he's on board with me in this, I'm kind of mad at myself that I didn't push the issue.

Funny thing is, she is going to college for psychology. DH wonders if the interest in psychology has something to do with how she's feeling herself.

[dakcp2001]

I think before confronting her, you need to sit down and think this all out before doing anything rash.

I would do a little more "watching". Are there any adults at school that could keep an eye out at lunch, but under the radar? Where is it that she is spending all of this time where she has "already eaten" ?

How well do you know her friends? They would know the extent of the problem. (it is obvious that there IS a problem). Can you talk to them or their parents to see if they have noticed anything?

Does she exercise? How much?

At least if you call the Dr he call tell you how to approach this and what to look out for. SO I would call him BEFORE doing any confronting.

[Sparx]

has she been to the dentist recently? maybe its time for a check up. a dentist can typically tell if she's been throwing up. i don't know if he would be able to give you that information though.

[AKL_Megs]

Originally Posted by luvdzny

Actually that would be the worst approach. As a previous poster stated, most of the time eating disorders are about control, if you try to force her to eat, she will lose control. If she does have an eating disorder you will need professional help.

And, if they lose the control over the food, they almost always turn to cutting to make up the loss.

OP, please keep an eye on her. Please consider first giving her the option of someone to talk to. If she says no, it is your job as parents to see that she is taking care of herself, and if she says no, it shouldn't be an option anymore. Good luck to you. Let her know daily how beautiful she is - inside and out. She needs all the praise she can get right now. Give her a hug.

[focusondisney]

OP, while I have no personal experience with eating disorders, I am in the medical field.

What I do know is this.... the most common profile for eating disorders are teen girls, high achievers, popular, people pleasers who feel like they have no control over anything else in their lives. But at least they can control the food that they put in their mouths. while they don't eat themselves, they often have a high interest in food. They might like to cook for others or take a strong interest in nutrition. And say the weight loss is just because they're "eating healthy". It douesn't sound like she was over weight at the start of school, so eating healthy & weight loss should not have been necessary.

Sorry to get personal, but do you know if your daughter is still having her period? Absense of periods is a sure sign that her weight is dangerously low. Also hair loss & personality changes.

Op, if this was my daughter, I'd definately be conserned. But I would seek out professional advice BEFORE talking to daughter anymore. Pressure to eat can backfire. Again, she is not doing this to get skinny, but for CONTROL. Maybe start with Pediatrician Or the school counselor. You might be surprized to find the school may already be conserned, or at least they may know of eating disorder professionals in your area.

Good luck to you Op. My thoughts & prayers to your family.

[minkydog]

Originally Posted by luvdzny

Actually that would be the worst approach. As a previous poster stated, most of the time eating disorders are about control, if you try to force her to eat, she will lose control. If she does have an eating disorder you will need professional help.

Oh, I would never force my daughter to eat. That is absolutely the wrong approach. They might comply when you're watching but I guarantee you they'll take the behavior underground. What I meant by my statement is that I would hop on the situation quickly, with a visit to the ped first and a visit to the psychiatrist second. As a peds nurse I have seen many, many young women with eating disorders. The ones who have been most successful have been in-house at a facility for young women with eating disorders. You can't be too careful when you're dealing with eating disorders. Their need for control is much stronger than their percieved need for food. Without treatment an eating disorder can continue well into the adult years, and complications (heart arrhymias, GI problems, kidney problems, dental problems) are extremely common.