MIL Advice

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Hello,
I havent posted here in awhile but I am in need of serious advice. I figured this was the best place to get "grown" up advice.

I am 21 and my fiance is 23. I am currently 5 months pregnant. It was not planned, but we are very excited. We bought a house around the time I got pregnant that needs renovating. We have been living with MIL since we bought our house. MIL never really cared for me, but we are cordial to eachother. I have been having a tough pregnancy and am still working full time so its been rough. Last night I came home and didnt feel well so I went in our bedroom. Alittle while later, my fiance came in and asked if I wanted an orange and I said no. Next thing I know, MIL is screaming about how rude and snobby I am. I never appreciate anything and I never talk to her....all this over me not wanting an orange she offered I guess.

I told my fiance I was just going to drive home to my parents house (about 90 minutes away) last night. I was planning on going home today because he was leaving on a hunting trip for a few days. As we were putting my stuff in my car, she comes stomping down the steps to my car and starts being completely rude. She called me profane names and told me I am rude and snob her all the time. I am not a talker by nature, so there is truth to the fact that I dont always hold conversations with her when I Come home from work. She then proceeded to say I was probably carrying someone elses baby and not her sons. We have been together 3 years and that is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard. I kept saying to her..."You are mad because you think Im rude by not talking to you, but your calling me a witch and telling me I cheated on your son and am pregnant to someone else....wouldnt you consider that rude"?

Like I said, I am fine with her sitting down and telling me she was irritated I dont talk much. But to take it as far as saying she doesnt think I am carrying her sons child is just insane. My fiance is VERY laid back and pretty much hates getting in the middle of anything. He asked her to calm down a few times but didnt say much else. Needless to say, I left and came home last night.

I am unsure where to go from here now though. He is getting back surgery in 2 weeks and wont be able to drive for about 8 weeks. I really dont want to go back to living there, I dont care for the woman and she obviously has pretty strong feelings for me so its not working. I dont know how I can go without seeing my fiance though for 2 months. Since he will be unable to drive, he cant come see me.


Do I just continue to put up with this woman? This is not the first time she has called me names, she has never liked me but I am 5 months pregnant and do not need the stress of this. I feel like I will be stressed out at home though to because I have lived with my fiance for a year and a half and now just being pregnant and not seeing him at all for long periods of time doesnt sound appealing at all. He says its between me and her and he doesnt want in the middle but I keep reminding him that I have NEVER called her a name or said anything rude to her so it is not fair for her to say such horrible things to me. I am just so confused. I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.


Thanks for any advice

[VillageMama]

Originally Posted by XxDisneyMagicXx

I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

[phorsenuf]

Originally Posted by XxDisneyMagicXx

Hello,
I havent posted here in awhile but I am in need of serious advice. I figured this was the best place to get "grown" up advice.

I am 21 and my fiance is 23. I am currently 5 months pregnant. It was not planned, but we are very excited. We bought a house around the time I got pregnant that needs renovating. We have been living with MIL since we bought our house. MIL never really cared for me, but we are cordial to eachother. I have been having a tough pregnancy and am still working full time so its been rough. Last night I came home and didnt feel well so I went in our bedroom. Alittle while later, my fiance came in and asked if I wanted an orange and I said no. Next thing I know, MIL is screaming about how rude and snobby I am. I never appreciate anything and I never talk to her....all this over me not wanting an orange she offered I guess.

I told my fiance I was just going to drive home to my parents house (about 90 minutes away) last night. I was planning on going home today because he was leaving on a hunting trip for a few days. As we were putting my stuff in my car, she comes stomping down the steps to my car and starts being completely rude. She called me profane names and told me I am rude and snob her all the time. I am not a talker by nature, so there is truth to the fact that I dont always hold conversations with her when I Come home from work. She then proceeded to say I was probably carrying someone elses baby and not her sons. We have been together 3 years and that is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard. I kept saying to her..."You are mad because you think Im rude by not talking to you, but your calling me a witch and telling me I cheated on your son and am pregnant to someone else....wouldnt you consider that rude"?

Like I said, I am fine with her sitting down and telling me she was irritated I dont talk much. But to take it as far as saying she doesnt think I am carrying her sons child is just insane. My fiance is VERY laid back and pretty much hates getting in the middle of anything. He asked her to calm down a few times but didnt say much else. Needless to say, I left and came home last night.

I am unsure where to go from here now though. He is getting back surgery in 2 weeks and wont be able to drive for about 8 weeks. I really dont want to go back to living there, I dont care for the woman and she obviously has pretty strong feelings for me so its not working. I dont know how I can go without seeing my fiance though for 2 months. Since he will be unable to drive, he cant come see me.


Do I just continue to put up with this woman? This is not the first time she has called me names, she has never liked me but I am 5 months pregnant and do not need the stress of this. I feel like I will be stressed out at home though to because I have lived with my fiance for a year and a half and now just being pregnant and not seeing him at all for long periods of time doesnt sound appealing at all. He says its between me and her and he doesnt want in the middle but I keep reminding him that I have NEVER called her a name or said anything rude to her so it is not fair for her to say such horrible things to me. I am just so confused. I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.


Thanks for any advice

What's the state of the house that is being renovated. Is it something you guys are doing yourself or having someone do. From your post time line you've had that house about 5 months now. Couldn't you just move in there while it's being renovated.

[My sister's princess]

When are you and DF getting married? It sounds like a few sessions with a family counselor or pastor might be needed. I agree with the PP that the issue lies deeper in DF not defending you. Are you going to be the person taking care of him after surgery? How would you do so if you are so far away?

[BelleWDW]

I agree-even if it means roughing it-move into your house

[shirleyb]

I hate to say it since you're already pregnant but your fiance is a boy,not a man. He should never have allowed his mother to treat you that way. That is your real problem.

[klynn]

I think you should get your own apartment until your house is done.

[Disney Doll]

Originally Posted by VillageMama

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Think long and hard about marrying a man who won't stand up for you when you are 5 months pregnant with his child against his mother who is essentially calling you a *****.

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

We were going to get married in May, but now that were due in April, it has been put off.

His mother will be taking care of him. I am gone at work from 6-6 everyday and she is unemployed. I do have an issue with him not standing up for me, like I said last night he asked her quite a few times to calm down and go back inside but she doesnt listen. I know he is nervous about upsetting her because right now he does need her. I am not able to stay home from work for weeks to take care of him after surgery. We are waiting for the entire heating system in our house to get fixed so we cannot move in right now. My fiance is renovating it himself so the surgery will put a damper on it for awhile. The soonest I see us moving in is atleast 2 months. We will move in before it is completely finished though.

[OceanAnnie]

Originally Posted by VillageMama

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

It's your DFi's problem. Truly it is. He needs to tell his mother that she was highly inappropriate with you. It should come from him. He needs to set the boundaries for you.

Unfortunately she has dealt some major blows to her relationship with you. It probably will set the tone for the rest of your relationship, whether she apologizes or not. The cat is out of the bag. She despises you.

Your DFi should tell his mother to treat you with respect. Even if she doesn't respect you (her problem) he should tell her to fake the heck out of it. He shouldn't put up with it. Not for a minute. Nor should you.

I don't know what the answer is to the living arrangement. You are in a tight spot. I don't think I could live with someone that openly despises me like that. But if it came between me seeing my DFi or not, maybe I could if she could zip it up.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself. You really don't need the stress with this pregnancy.

[phorsenuf]

Originally Posted by XxDisneyMagicXx

We were going to get married in May, but now that were due in April, it has been put off.

His mother will be taking care of him. I am gone at work from 6-6 everyday and she is unemployed. I do have an issue with him not standing up for me, like I said last night he asked her quite a few times to calm down and go back inside but she doesnt listen. I know he is nervous about upsetting her because right now he does need her. I am not able to stay home from work for weeks to take care of him after surgery. We are waiting for the entire heating system in our house to get fixed so we cannot move in right now. My fiance is renovating it himself so the surgery will put a damper on it for awhile. The soonest I see us moving in is atleast 2 months. We will move in before it is completely finished though.

Sorry, but if he's having back surgery and can't drive for 8 weeks how is he going to renovate a house? I think you need to find someone to get it whipped into shape enough to move in, even if it's not completely done.
Heck I'd just get some space heaters a this point if that's the main issue.

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Well that would be great but being that were pregnant and he will be off work for atleast 8 weeks, we cannot afford to have anyone come and do the work. The water lines all need replaced to, and we cannot live there without water so it isnt an option right now.

[Halloweenqueen]

Seems like a lot of things were done out of order.

It's your boyfriend's problem. He needs to man up and defend you.

As others have stated...it isn't going to get better without his intervention.

[phorsenuf]

I would suggest then finding yourselves an apartment. Things aren't just going to get better and will probably get worse after the baby is born if you still have to live here. Been there done that, don't like to talk about it.

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Trust me, I agree he should stand up to his mother more. I dont think it is him not wanting to defend me, I think he just doesnt want to deal with his mother being more aggressive and ridiculous. He wont stand up to her when it comes to anything, not just me.

Like I said, I agree he should...but I do not agree that is worth me leaving him when I am pregnant with our child. If we were just dating, maybe. We are bringing a life into this world though and I dont think it is reasonable to spilt my daughters family up before she is even born based on this.

I dont know how to deal with her though. He agrees 100 percent that she takes it to far and I have made it clear I have NEVER treated her like that, while I may not be super nice, I dont call her names or say anything mean spirited to her.

When I said something to him about her saying it wasnt his baby, he said he knew she didnt mean that, she just couldnt think of anything else to get me upset and by reacting I gave her what she wanted, thats why he thought it was best to act like the comment never left her mouth.