How would you handle this...or would you?

[Jennasis]

I went way at the end of October for a weekend, and when i came back I went out to dinner with DH and his mom. I immediately noticed something wrong with my MIL's face. Part of her left side of her face seemed, I don't know how to say it...like the left side of her mouth was pulled back in a permanent semi-smile. And her left eye seems squinty a bit. While I was gone, DH had mentioned to me over the phone that his mom's face seemed weird. Not wanting to freak her out right there, I pulled DH aside and said that something was very very wrong. Either she's had a stroke, or it's something like Bell's paulsy, likely brought on by extreme stress (she is the sole caretaker for her father who is wheelchair/home bound due to a sever stroke that left him incapacitated on his entire left side of his body and unable to speak). Her dad has been in her care for two years.

MIL has been suffering from (In my not so expert opinion) undiagnosed clinical depression due to her caretaker role. She has not only been burning her candle at both ends, the candle is burnt out!

So DH got his mom by himself and told her that I noticed her face too and that she HAD to go to the doctor. She hemmed and hawed and huffed and puffed, but ultimately made an appointment...for the 18th! Which was 18 days afters I noticed the face thing.

My question is this; would you call and speak to her doctor? Give him a heads up about what's going on at home?

My MIL is ADAMANTLY against putting her dad in a nursing home...will not even discuss it. She is ADAMANTLY opposed to going to therapy or finding a support group for herself. She is resistant to the notion of depression and taking any kind of meds for it. She won't get someone to come in and relieve her for a few hours a day/week either. She is very much wallowing in self-pity now.

I'm scared for her. I don't know how involved I can get (or DH, since she would be more likely to listen to him than me). She is obviously feeling the physical effects of her emotional state. Blood pressure is awful...diabetes barely under control.

We can't take care of her dad...and if something happens to her, that's what will happen, AND we'd have to care for her too.

I don't even know if her doctor would discuss her with DH.

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I think you have to get involved. My father had a mini stroke one day when I was visiting. He told my mom and I that nothing was wrong and he didn't need to go to the ER. Good thing we didn't listen to him. He had a major stroke that evening after he had been admitted.

[JerseyJanice]

With HIPAA laws being what they are, the doctor might not discuss anything with you or her son.

Other than your DH talking to her about her health, I don't know what else you can do. Not getting some help for her dad is crazy, but I think that all you and your DH can do is harp on it, and hope that one day she'll get tired enough to agree.

[Jennasis]

Originally Posted by JerseyJanice

With HIPAA laws being what they are, the doctor might not discuss anything with you or her son.

Other than your DH talking to her about her health, I don't know what else you can do. Not getting some help for her dad is crazy, but I think that all you and your DH can do is harp on it, and hope that one day she'll get tired enough to agree.

Thanks. We harp ridiculously. We beg, we plead. She has THREE brothers who could (read, SHOULD) help, but don't. One lives in Boca with his craaaazy wife who has so many "issues" of her own, and won't allow the dad to come live with them. Her youngest brother is a totally loser and shouldn't even be allowed to have a pet fish. Her older brother tried to get MIL to let the dad come live with him in Texas for a few months to give her a breaher, but when dad found out about the "plot" to ship him off, he pitched a fit of some kind, begging and crying to not be sent away...funny how he can communicate when he really WANTS something, but not any other time.

We told her to send him anyway, but she "couldn't do that to him."

I'm going to see her tonight. Wonder if we can get her to move the appointment up?

[NMAmy]

This is a toughie. While your MIL's dr can't discuss your mother's medical history without her consent, I would have your DH call the doctor to let him know his concerns.

Is there any way that your MIL would allow your DH or you to go to her appointment with her? That way, you could bring up your concerns in your MIL's presence so she wouldn't think you were going behind her back.

Luckily, I have it easier with my mom. She's given the doctor's office permission to discuss things with me, I have her medical power of attorney, and if she has an appointment for something serious, she asks me to come along. It's very difficult when someone you love just denies anything is wrong. I wish your MIL the best.

[freckles and boo]

She sounds a lot like my father-in-law. My mother-in-law had MS and he was her care giver. He was a martyr to the end, although we did eventually convince them to get a home health aide a few hours a week to help. He passed away only five weeks after she did. I think he was surviving on adrenaline. There is very, very little you will be able to do if you can't find someone she respects to discuss this with her. I would certainly inform the doctor that you are concerned about her and that she is under tremendous stress.

The only other option is extreme, but if there is any evidence her father is suffering because her care is inadequate (due to the stress and her health) then you may be able to have a social service agency check in on them.

[ilovepcot]

Is there any way you or your DH could go with her to the doctor? As a former office nurse I frequently had senior patients come in accompanied by an adult "child". Often it was the only way to get a true idea of what was REALLY going on at home with the patient. Often times seniors are reluctant to speak up about medical concerns. I realize this isn't a possible option in all families.

[kirbydog48]

I don't think it would be a problem at all for DH to speak his concerns to the doctor; the doctor just can't give out any specific info about diagnoses, etc. to DH without DMIL's approval. I so understand your concerns, as I went through it with my parents several years ago. They get very resistant to any changes. There are advocates who can be intermediaries between you and your in-laws. Are there any assisted living places near you where DFIL can get the care he needs but they can still live together? There's also respite care, where someone can come take care of DFIL while DMIL gets a break. You really understand the situation and I salute you for trying to figure out a solution. It's a tough situation, and very stressful.

[KirstenB]

I'd definitely get involved. Sometimes you get so enmeshed in something like caring for someone 24/7 that reality gets blurred. Please call the doctor, so he/she knows the whole picture.

[Disney Doll]

While her MD may not be able to give out any of her health informaiton to your DH unless your DMIL has told the MD it is OK to do so, the MD can certainly listen to your DH's concerns and get your DH's perspective on the "background" of the situation. The MD would probably welcome that information, frankly...

I would also see if DMIL will let DH go with her to the appointment. If DH has any other siblings, you might want to involve them as well.

Essentially what is going to happen is that something catastrophic will happen to DMIL, and DGrandfather will end up in a nursing home. Someone (not you daughter-in-law ) might want to present the scenario to DMIL that way...ie- "if you don't take care of yourself and something happens to you, what do you think is going to happen to him?".

But, realistically, if she is of sound mind and competent, you cannot force her to do anything and may have to wait till the catastrophic event, I am sorry to say....

[golfgal]

There are no HIPPA regulations preventing your DH from calling the Dr and letting him know what you have observed and concerns you have. It will also give him time to prepare so maybe he can give your mom some information about respite care and adult day care in the area so she can get a break now and then. It might also get the appointment move UP.

[Jennasis]

Thank you gang. You've all made me feel a bit better about the situation, and how DH can get involved. I'm going to have him call the doctor on Monday. I just want her to be well.

[doxdogy]

Definitely have your DH call her doc and one of you go with her.

[luvthatduke]

I asked my primary a year or so ago how it would
be handled if I were to call my mom's primary with some concerns of mine.
He responded that personally, he would have to tell my
mother that it was I that had raised certain concerns,
and then proceed to discuss them with her.
That is if he was her doctor.
He also stipulated the HIPAA laws and that I would
never know what they discussed or what my mom
said unless she chose to tell me.

So... I go along with most here that it's in your MIL's
best interests for either you or DH to call her doctor
with your specific concerns, but be aware that not
only will the doctor not respond or discuss anything
with you, he/she will also tell MIL who called and
what was discussed.

[pirateofthecarolinas]

Your MIL is fortunte to have you. I hope she is feeling better. Forsyth and Wake Forest/Bowman Gray have wonderful doctors. She couldn't be luckier to have such wonderful medical facilities so close by.