Quandary: when do nieces/nephews move from 'kids' to 'grown-ups'?

[drcbpearce]

I am in a quandary. My DH has 4 siblings who all have children. Normally we buy for all of the nieces and nephews for Christmas (8 + my 2 =10). I am going to make a suggestion that the kids draw names this year. It gets really difficult trying to find the right thing for the kids, not to mention it gets pricey. Here is my quandary: the oldest niece graduated college this year, bought a house and is getting married in January. to me Christmas is more for the kids. When you're out of college, own your own home, and are married, in my mind that makes you a grown up. But how to I approach this with the in-laws? Do I bring it up? She has two younger sisters, one in college and one a sr. in high school. I don't want to be a cheapskate, but at some point, we all become adults. I know someone out there has had to deal with this, what did you do? Help me out, please!

[squirrel]

Do you exchange gifts with the other adults?

I would think the older niece would feel left out if you do exchange with the other adults.

Since she is getting married soon. A nice gift (not very expensive) of some of your favorite recepies in a box or one recepie with the ingredients to make it.

We use to do a draw a long time ago with my cousins as there were so many of us. It worked well for a while, but then our parents stopped as some of them didn't like doing it when we got older as it was too hard to find presents that the kids liked.

[drcbpearce]

We don't exchange gifts as adults. We used to put everyone's name in a hat and draw names. I had a suggestion a few years ago, yes, me again, to just focus on the kids. Really, I don't need, and lot of times didn't even like what I received. I'd rather they put the money to the kids than myself and my DH is the same.

We will give them a wedding gift, of course. They are young and don't have the things they need to get started just yet.
I just don't know how to handle the Christmas thing, or if I should just sit back and shut up and stop rocking the boat.

[kacaju]

My side we have a niece and nephew ages 8 and 4. We buy for them.
Dh's side we have 5 nieces. 2 from 1 brother who are 17 and 18. We never hear from them or see them. I deicided we will stop once they are 18. Both of their Birthday are in Jan, (they will be 18 and 19) so last year was the last year for gifts from us. (I was torn on either last year or this year being the last year since I don't feel right giving to only one)

The other 3 we see through out the year. they are 2 out of college and 1 in college. I will continue to give them gifts (as we do see them every Christmas) until they are married. Once they are married I will stop, but once they have a child I will start giving a small gift to the child.

[henry72]

I never gave gifts to any of my cousins (nor did my parents) since we didn't see them at Christmas (or throughout the year). My Dad's cousin gave my brother and I gifts when we were children but it stopped when we hit high school. I would not expect to keep buying for cousins (or nieces and nephews) past 18. There has to be a cut off somewhere and I don't think it should be when they get married since that could be a LONG time. (My brother is 40 and not married.)

[Mommy2JulietJocelyn]

once you graduate HS you are an adult in our family - cousins on my side - we draw names $25 limit. On DH dad's side we do draw names for the adults $35 limit - no GC only "things" We do not exchange w/ aunts & uncles much anymore - I only really give stuff from the girls to my 1 aunt who does stuff with them a lot and the kid cousins get things still but there are only 2 of them left.

[krcit]

We pick name son my DH'S side b/c it was getting ridiculous. There were so many presents that the kids didn't even know who they got what from and it just started to seem so so....something, not greedy but just over indulgent. There are 11 nieces/nephews on thast side and we just pick the number f kids you have. The oldest ones are in college and my SIL and I were just discussing when we should stop buying for them. Neither one of us wants to seem like a grinch so we decided to include them this year but to discuss it on Christmas this year for next.We're thinking 20 years old and you're out, lol!

[drcbpearce]

Thanks everyone. You are confirming what I was already thinking. I don't want to be scrooge, but like you've said, you have to draw a line somewhere. I really appreciate the input. Now how to bring it up to the in-laws. We'll see MIL & FIL for Thanksgiving, maybe I'll approach it then.

[Stitch76]

In my family, the nieces/nephews are officially grown up when they get married or move out. If they don't live with Mommy and Daddy anymore, they can exchange names with the rest of the grown ups. Instead of getting another doll/truck from their loving Auntie.

[a1tinkfans]

This is the ONE aspect of Xmas I could do without!

Tough call...but I say HS is the cut off..I mean really....the parents take care of their own and the rest can be a token of sorts...it is crazy.....even with that "rule" I am STILL bombarded!

[Luv Bunnies]

A co-worker of mine has a large family where everyone lives locally. They each buy gifts for all of the kids who are still in high school. Starting with their first year of college, they participate in a white-elephant exchange with the rest of the adults on Christmas Eve. Of course, the parents still buy things for their own kids regardless of their ages. But as far as the extended family goes, they cut it off when the kids graduate high school.

[Swmr359]

Originally Posted by drcbpearce

Thanks everyone. You are confirming what I was already thinking. I don't want to be scrooge, but like you've said, you have to draw a line somewhere. I really appreciate the input. Now how to bring it up to the in-laws. We'll see MIL & FIL for Thanksgiving, maybe I'll approach it then.

I think it is fine to stop giving gifts to grown up nieces and nephews; but make sure they know what is going on. My aunts decided to stop sending birthday and chirstmas gifts to me but I had not idea what was going on. I was left thinking that either they forgot about me or that I had done something wrong.

[GAMC369]

I think once you graduate high school you should be exchanging gifts with the adults. So IMO you would need to move two of them out of the kids gifting category. We draw names for both kids and then separately the adults in my family.

[taximomfor4]

I can tell you what we do in our family (my side). Adults who WANT to participate (not everyone does or can, every year) puts their name into the drawing. On Thanksgiving, the participants draw a name (of another adult). They buy a gift for that adult...the ONLY rule is it must be $25-50 range.

Everyone buys for the children -- but only like a $2-10 item per kid. A book, a barbie, a small baby toy. Well, not EVERYONE does it. Some have never bought kid gifts. At age 18, the child is invited into the adult drawing - but some decide to go into the adult drawing early (at age 16 or so). If they want to, it is allowed.

In dh's family, it's just dh and his brother, their wives and kids, and MIL and FIL. We buy something for MIL, FIL, and thats it. MIL and FIL buy something small/inexpensive for everyone. That's it.

[Shleedogg]

We have similar issues with Christmas. In DH's family there are 24 nieces and nephews. Yep, you read that right . DH is the youngest of 8 kids. MIL and FIL already have 4 great-grand children.

Initially what DH and MIL had discussed was once the kids turn 18, no more Christmas presents. The problem is that no one actually follows that rule. Until last Christmas when DH and I had DD, everyone bought us presents; so up until we were 24. So basically DH and I have decided that until kids have kids, they get presents. Unfortunately with so many presents, we only end up being able to afford $15 per kid.

DH and I had tried to discuss starting drawing a kids name. We'd just divide the number of kids by the number of families. 24 kids divided by 8 families, equals 3. So every family buys for 3 kids with a price point of $50. That way the kids end up with something better than a bunch of small, cheap toys and the families end up spending far less. MIL was not into the idea at all, so there it stopped.

I agree though w/ PPs that said a line has to be drawn somewhere. We're currently waiting for the line because it's getting out of hand . I don't think in your situation though that you should just not buy for the one niece unless there's an adult gift exchange for her to join. In my family Christmas at my Aunt's house, we just started a secret Santa name drawing that everyone, even kids, participate in. That way no one feels left out.