OT: Looking for advice from foster/adoptive parents

[sl_underwood]

What do you do to help your children through the holidays? Our son has a particularly difficult time making it through the holiday season. The anniversary of the abuse/ hospital stay/coma, is at the end of October, November, he came to live with us and was in a full body cast, lots of pain, December, got the cast off (very traumatic as the doctors did nothing to ensure him they were not going to cut him with their saw) and on top of all these issues he has trouble with Christmas in general. I am honestly unsure why Christmas is so difficult but I now know I cannot get him more than a few toys and I still have to watch for his destructive behaviors to come forward as he tends to break his holiday gifts. I really want to make this holiday season fun and enjoyable. It breaks my heart to watch him suffer, to watch our whole family suffer during our favorite time of the year. Any suggestions?

[eeyorefan74]

Well, we're new to the foster care/adoption thing, so I don't have advice. I did want to tell you that cafemom.com has a great foster/adoption message board. The moms there seem so sweet and helpful. I'm sure you'd find some great advice there. Prayers for your family this Christmas!

[kwitcherkicken99]

I can't speak from personal experience, but have you thought about starting a new family tradition? Maybe something that is less focused on the gift giving and more on the idea of family togetherness? He was meant to be a part of your family and you could celebrate it? Have a movie night, special dinner, make a homemade gift for each person in the family? That way he could take pride in something he did that was special for someone else? Bake non-Christmas cookies, take turns drawing funny pictures of the family members??? Okay, I'll stop, I'm stretching here...

It has to be difficult being surrounded by all of the hubbub of the season. I think that adoption is a fantastic thing and really admire you for doing it. I feel for your DS, it has to be hard. I'd just keep reminding him that there is a reason he was brought to you and that you wouldn't change a thing.

[Mathfailure]

My children came to us as infants from overseas, but please know that I admire your love and have found that caring and loving overcome.

Your family will find a way, just be as loving as you obviously are to him.

[Kat77]

Either I missed the childs age or it was not mentioned? I have adopted children with attachment issues as well. My heart and prayers are with you.
My advice it to keep it INFORMAL! Holiday stress is unnerving to this child and "plans" can go terribly wrong, fast, in his mind (you saw the result of that!). Make your family interactions seem as unplanned as possible (but plan them out secretly). If there is no build up to an event, less anxiety will be able to take hold. Anxiety sounds like the culprit and this poor kiddo is flooded with stress hormones he has no control over! The less importance and build up there is to things, the better, for now.
SO... Make simple, random, & unpredictable holiday magic:
~Bake cookies because 'you have a sugar craving and happen to have dough in the fridge' one saturday night not because it is some magical family tradition you planned out for that weekend.
~stop for gingerbread or peppermint shakes on your way home from soccer and cuddle up for a christmas movie on the dvr.

As for the gifts, maybe you could give simple items as presents and some gift cards for the larger items to be picked out by him later? I don't know, you know this child best. Maybe gift cards would give him the control over the items he owns and then would be less likely to get damaged?

[sl_underwood]

My son is 6, but developmentally around 4 or so. Kat77, I think you hit the nail on the head. Anxiety has always been a huge issue for him. I think the extra family members and the chaos of the season is also a bit overwhelming for him. We do not take him shopping. Our biggest holiday tradition has changed since he came to live with us and that was black friday shopping. My dd's absolutely love going but dh or I stay home with our son now, instead of going as a family. We usually do try and meet up for breakfast around 9 or so. We also put our tree up later and no longer put lights on the house. I hate the idea of not putting a tree up and it would truly upset my dds who love stringing pocorn and making ornaments and decorations. We have stopped going to holiday parties, caroling, church parties, etc. My daughters compare our holiday season to house arrest as we do very little. My 16 yo can now drive so this year, she will probably go without us. Thanks for all your responses.

[disprincessatheart]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but I remember a thread on adopted/foster kids on this board a while back and something stuck with me that seems to make sense in this situation. The posters on that thread said that foster/adopted kids are often destructive with gifts they are given because in the past when they were taken/moved from place to place, they weren't able to take their things with them, so they don't want to get attached to new things because in their minds these things will be taken away too. I have no idea what you can do about it if this is indeed the situation your child is in, but maybe the idea about doing more stuff and less presents is a good idea. Either way and Good Luck!