OT-any grief or kids counselors out there- warning sad and graphic but need advice

[disneydonnad]

Sorry Mods if this is the wrong forum but I think of this forum as family- needed to reset my info which is why only a small amt of posts...

My DS 8 occaisionally plays with 2 little girls- ages 7 and 10. Mom and Dad were divorced a while ago. Their Dad has had some problems and ended up committing suicide in their front yard. I'd like to do something for them... While my son and the girls aren't best friends, they are sweet little girls. DH says it might upset them more. What would you do and what would be appropriate??

Thanks-

[gr8leg8]

I'm sorry to hear this.
My uncle killed himself when I was five.
He was living with us at the time.

I think your instinct to offer some kindness is right.
A home cooked meal perhaps,
offer to watch the girls so mom can have some greiving time.
I know they were separated, but this is still her girls dad.

to you all.

[parkers*momma]

So Sad. My heart goes out to the family.

something I have done in the past for children in situations where death was a close family member was send them a bear. I've always attached a small note on the bear that says:

"(insert deceased person's name) Hugging Bear. Whenever you are missing (insert deceased person's name)just hold me tight and give me a big bear hug and I will take it to heaven for (insert deceased person's name). And remember whenever you need a hug, I brought a hug back from heaven just for you from (insert deceased person's name). Just pick me up and give me a squeeze to get your hug." (In this case I would put Daddy)

I know one young lady who started college last year (she was 4 when her lil sister died) and sent me a picture of her and her bear going to college with the nicest note. Several of the children who recieved the hugging bear still have them. Many are worn but well loved.

It might help soothe the hurt and confusion for these babies too.

[Kika]

I lost my dad when I was 12. I think it's sweet of you to want to do something. I still remember the people who offered us any gesture of sympathy, whether is was showing up at the funeral, coming over to our house and just sitting with us, sending a card, sending a meal, etc.
I think any of these things would be good, or, as someone suggested, maybe you could offer to watch the girls for a few hours so the mom has a little time to herself. Maybe she is physically and/or mentally exhausted and would be grateful for a few hours to catch a nap or just cry.

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I don't have any advice but I think this is great that you are doing this. This is something to keep in mind...not sure if it applies. I have mutual friends with my kiddos dentist. The dentist's wife recently commited suicide. She left behind a very large family. The church that they belong to refused to help out the family. No services and no help. I thought this was awful because regardless of the circumstances there is a family that was left behind and grieving. It took a couple of weeks for word to get out and another church 'adopted' them. So I think anything you would do would be appreciated. Many people will not know ow to respond to this kind of loss and may just not want to get involved.

[flakypuff]

Originally Posted by parkers*momma

So Sad. My heart goes out to the family.

something I have done in the past for children in situations where death was a close family member was send them a bear. I've always attached a small note on the bear that says:

"(insert deceased person's name) Hugging Bear. Whenever you are missing (insert deceased person's name)just hold me tight and give me a big bear hug and I will take it to heaven for (insert deceased person's name). And remember whenever you need a hug, I brought a hug back from heaven just for you from (insert deceased person's name). Just pick me up and give me a squeeze to get your hug." (In this case I would put Daddy)

I know one young lady who started college last year (she was 4 when her lil sister died) and sent me a picture of her and her bear going to college with the nicest note. Several of the children who recieved the hugging bear still have them. Many are worn but well loved.

It might help soothe the hurt and confusion for these babies too.

This is such a wonderful idea...wow. To the OP...I am sure anthing you do will be appreciated...sometimes a hug says it all

[disneymarie]

Originally Posted by parkers*momma

So Sad. My heart goes out to the family.

something I have done in the past for children in situations where death was a close family member was send them a bear. I've always attached a small note on the bear that says:

"(insert deceased person's name) Hugging Bear. Whenever you are missing (insert deceased person's name)just hold me tight and give me a big bear hug and I will take it to heaven for (insert deceased person's name). And remember whenever you need a hug, I brought a hug back from heaven just for you from (insert deceased person's name). Just pick me up and give me a squeeze to get your hug." (In this case I would put Daddy)

I know one young lady who started college last year (she was 4 when her lil sister died) and sent me a picture of her and her bear going to college with the nicest note. Several of the children who recieved the hugging bear still have them. Many are worn but well loved.

It might help soothe the hurt and confusion for these babies too.

I lost my oldest dd 2 years ago, her teddy went everywhere with her, even when she passed.

A kind forum friend had sent my younger dd Halo, Angel bear from the Bennie collection. This is my dd 14 now closest bed time and nearness love.

I bought a second one as hers is well worn, that she has a spare, It was a thing that she felt sad how dark and worn he was becoming...
They sell on Ebay.
But there are a few sizes the one she carries with her is about a foot tall, white teddy with angel wings and halo.

I would do it anonymous...when a face is not attached it may seem like a Heavenly gift, and that may make a difference.
Buy two of these Angel bears and a few little crafts from the AC Moore to keep them busy and i know from experience that it truely is a precious gift and needed hug from above.
Di

[semo233]

I am chiming in here as a counselor and as someone who has been in the same situation. The same day my 45YO SIL died sudddenly leaving 3 children, my best friend's husband died accidentally, 2 weeks before school started. My SIL had a 20yo, an 18yo (starting her senior year) and a severely autistic 13 yo. My best friend had an 8 yo and a 6 yo who were best friends with my 8yo.

Right now, I'm guessing that there are a lot of people around them. Family, close friends, etc. Just let the family know that you'd like to help out. A few weeks down the road, when family has to get back to their own lives and the event starts fading away in others' minds, they will need you.
Children normally grieve differently from adults but, like everyone else, it is a very individual thing. Extra patience and understanding will be needed for the next year or so. All of the "firsts" are hard. The first holiday, the first birthday, etc. Call the mom and ask how she is doing periodically. Ask if there is anything you can help with. If you sense that there is, just do it. Invite them over for dinner, send dinner there, make sure there is someone to shovel or plow the driveway, is there anything special you can do for the holidays like wrap presents or bake for her (or maybe even with her)? Let the mom know that you are available to help at any hour (if you are). Don't be afraid to hug her or the kids if your heart tells you they need it. Kids will say some wierd or inappropriate things, react with love and kindness. They will have lots of questions and if you are not very close with the family and know thier beliefs, you might want to answer generally, but always steer it back to mom. Be their safe place.
Many of the suggestions you've already gotten are wonderful. Watch and listen closely and you will see what they need.
Also, don't forget your own children. Seeing what is happening to another family can raise some scary questions of their own. Make sure they know that they can ask you anything and that you will answer honestly.
The only thing that is inappropriate is something that is forced upon a family going through crisis. You can make any offer you want, but keep their wishes in the front of your mind.
Your heart is in the right place and will tell you what to do. For example, I had this nagging feeling the first Valentine's day that my friend's husband was gone. I HAD to buy her flowers...I mean HAD TO! I went to a flower shop and picked out an arrangement and even had them add a few flowers. I left it on her doorstep with a note that said it was from her husband. She figured out who did it and later told me that the flowers were the color of her wedding...and that the flowers I asked the florist to add were the same peach color of her wedding flowers!
Follow your instincts!

[esk]

My brother volunteers at a children's center that hosts a support group for children whose parents have committed suicide; maybe if you found out if there was such a support group in your area, and very kindly gave the brochure to the mom?

Kids process things differently; my brother was 7 when my dad died, I was 17 and counseling didn't do anything for either of us. But a support group would have helped....other kids going through the same thing, not some bearded old guy saying "now tell me how you feel about yourself".

[gigi1313]

the best advice i could give would be to check with your local hospice... ours runs all kinds of grief counselling for all ages and even offers a summer camp for children who have experienced a loss (Camp Good Grief)...

[a1tinkfans]

Sorry to hear about this, so sad!
I am sure that your "reaching" out to the family in the days ahead when people get back to their own lives/routine would be really helpful...maybe just a pizza delivered for them with a note to say, thinking of you all....have a meal on us....simple but thoughtful.

[crazed'boutmaryP]

You've received wonderul advice. Children do need normalcy, so inviting them over to play would be great, but also be aware they may be afraid to leave mom. Giving them some good books about death and grieving is also thoughtful. Check out aplacetoremember.com and centering corp for excellent books. Definetely be around/helpful in the weeks and months to come. As mentioned there is usually an outpouring of support initially, but that wanes and that is when reality trully sets in. It is so kind to want to help.

[disneydonnad]

Thanks everyone- I saw one of the little girls sitting on her porch today- She looked so lost. And since her Dad hung himself in the tree in their front yard, I'm sure there have been gawkers driving by. It just breaks my heart for them. I think I'll wait till next week and take them some food along with the bears. Just so that they know we are thinking about them without them thinking we are jumping on the bandwagon so to speak.
Thanks again-
Donna

[TupperMom7]

I didn't read the other responses, so sorry if this repeats. Was there anything posted in the obituary? Sometimes they say "an account has been set up in the children's names at such and such bank" or donations can be made to the family, etc. Do you know the Mom? Maybe you could call her and ask her if she needs a babysitter that you are willing. Do they have a lot of extended family? Maybe she could use some groceries, buy the kids some ice cream and treats that the Mom might not be able to afford right now. If the dad was paying child support, that won't be there anymore.

So sad.

[wdwfan16]

All I can do is keep those kids in my toughts and prayers.