Flights cost $750 to go home for Xmas - can't afford gifts if I go.

[TheLittleRoo]

Here's the deal: I am in a position where I can choose to spend money I don't really have to go home and see my family at Xmas. Parents are in ill health, so I feel like I want to spend time (even money I don't really have) because I don't know how much more time with them we'll get.

But I can't afford to do much more than $10 pp for gifts, and I hate that. I have three kids and I know they'll buy my kids stuff and if I reciprocate, I'll be out $400 before I know what hit me. I also have two nephews I don't know what to do for - they're 24 and 21, so I have bought gifts all their younger holidays... but I'll still feel like the bad aunt if I don't get them a $50 gift each. It's a slippery slope b/c if I do, then what about my parents, sisters, etc, etc....??

I'm sure everyone will understand but I don't know how to convey this message to them. They're likely to agree to a ban, and then not follow through on it. Then I feel bad on Xmas morning...

I really have every $0.01 allocated to paying down debt and trying to get started on my own after a bad marriage. They know this, so I know they'll get where I'm coming from financially. It's just hard not to go home with gifts, I guess. Any ideas?

[24601]

I am sure your family would appreciate your spending money on a visit - and some quality time - with them more than any gift you could give them. You could send an e-mail or give phone calls touching on your situation a little and explain that you won't be bringing gifts with you, so don't want them to buy gifts for you. If they buy gifts for you and your family, that's their choice, nothing to feel badly about.

[mrsklamc]

Originally Posted by 24601

I am sure your family would appreciate your spending money on a visit - and some quality time - with them more than any gift you could give them. You could send an e-mail or give phone calls touching on your situation a little and explain that you won't be bringing gifts with you, so don't want them to buy gifts for you. If they buy gifts for you and your family, that's their choice, nothing to feel badly about.

What they said. Or, you can ask for a name draw so everyone only has to buy one gift, or a swap...stuff like that.
Honestly they may be excited to help you start fresh and CHOOSE to buy you gifts anyway. And if they want to help you, don't steal that joy from them!

[patsal]

I would rather see my children than have gifts from them, so if you are in a one or the other situation I would pick the go for the visit. If you really can't spring for any of it because you really do not have the money, don't buy gifts and don't travel. Call and explain the situation--those that love you will understand and those that don't understand should!
Gifts are just that--stuff, the real blesing is time together. Do not put yourself in financial jeopardy so you feel like you reciprocated. I would make it clear that no gifts are to be given--let them know ahead of time if they do not conform to your wishes you will still not take anything they bought you home so they better save the reciepts so they can return!

I might say something like I really want to come to see you, but I cannot fit both a visit and gifts into my budget, so I am asking you to respect me enough to not purchase gifts for us. I really can't wait to see all of you but if you break the agreement I will not allow my children to accept anything you have bought for them so be sure to save your reciepts!

However, I buy things because I want to buy them, not so that others will reciprocate. I get much joy from those things that I give so I agree with the PP let others buy if they really want to--don't take that joy from them.

[wdwfan16]

Originally Posted by TheLittleRoo

Here's the deal: I am in a position where I can choose to spend money I don't really have to go home and see my family at Xmas. Parents are in ill health, so I feel like I want to spend time (even money I don't really have) because I don't know how much more time with them we'll get.

But I can't afford to do much more than $10 pp for gifts, and I hate that. I have three kids and I know they'll buy my kids stuff and if I reciprocate, I'll be out $400 before I know what hit me. I also have two nephews I don't know what to do for - they're 24 and 21, so I have bought gifts all their younger holidays... but I'll still feel like the bad aunt if I don't get them a $50 gift each. It's a slippery slope b/c if I do, then what about my parents, sisters, etc, etc....??

I'm sure everyone will understand but I don't know how to convey this message to them. They're likely to agree to a ban, and then not follow through on it. Then I feel bad on Xmas morning...

I really have every $0.01 allocated to paying down debt and trying to get started on my own after a bad marriage. They know this, so I know they'll get where I'm coming from financially. It's just hard not to go home with gifts, I guess. Any ideas?

I would just call my relatives and explain what you told us. Going to see your parents is the right thing to do.

[Lisa_M]

My parents and my family are kinda in a tight spot financially right now and they have a tendency to go way overboard on Christmas. I got them to agree to a "green Christmas." We are giving gifts that we made or things that we have around the house that someone else would like, since we all have lots of stuff and I couldn't get them to agree to not exchanging gifts

You could suggest something like this to your family or do like the previous poster said and be up front and don't feel bad when they get gifts for your kids.

I'm sure they would rather see you guys than the alternative of getting a bunch of gifts in the mail. You've already said they know your situation. They will understand.

[Mouse House Mama]

As a Mom (although my children are young) I personally would want nothing more than to be with my kids. Gifts are not important. Call your sibling and explain to them how you feel. I will bet that they will say the same thing. Come home for the holidays and just be with your family. That is the most important gift.

[beansmom]

GO HOME. if my mama was alive, you couldn't keep me away. In fact, just this afternoon, DH and i were discussing what to give his mother for Xmas...she's loaded..needs nothing...and we decided visiting her was the best gift. Really...all parents want is your time and love. She's 92...how many more Xmas does she have? 15 at most?

Maybe you and your kids can just make some cookies for your friends and give them to them with a note telling them how much you appreciate their friendship and support, especially during the past year. I know that would mean more to me than some piece of something.

as for THEM giving you gifts...people give gifts because they want to. If they 'expect' something back, then they are giving them with the wrong heart. Accept any gifts with gratitude and don't feel bad. People who love you know your situation and just want to show that love. It's a gift in itself when someone accepts YOUR gift with a happy, FREE heart.

BIG HUGS

[mjantz]

I agree with previous posters. If my BIL, who lives far away, said 'We're coming home for Christmas & that will be our gift' we'd be very happy to see them & still give them gifts because we want to give them gifts.
If you have to get something, make it a small family gift like a $5 Blockbuster giftcard, few boxes of candy from Dollar Tree & a box of microwave popcorn. Great gift & under $10.

[NonScents]

Originally Posted by mrsklamc

Honestly they may be excited to help you start fresh and CHOOSE to buy you gifts anyway. And if they want to help you, don't steal that joy from them!

I disagree with this..... I have been in a similar situation, and there is no way you can NOT feel bad when others go ahead and buy for you and you can't reciprocate.

It seems more in keeping with the true spirit of the holidays if the relatives honor the request and say something like "what's important is that you are here with us this holiday, gifts are not necessary."

That is what I would prefer no matter my financial situation. Just MHO.

[FINFAN]

you could give the gift of memeories, but giving a gift "coupon" , stating that you will make a holiday album ( nothing too large) of the visit you all have had. Try getting a lot of candid photos, even start with your family at the airoprt *on your way* to visit. That way you can make each album a little bit different and also if you can, include a picture of the whole family together. When families are spread out, those are very precious pictures. When you send them after the holiday, it will be a very special gift, one that did not get lost in all the hullabaloo of many gifts at the same time and it will bring all the great memories of your visit back to anyone who looks at it. Just make sure you have a reasonable deadline for making them,maybe before Valentines Day. It is a one of a kind gift, that is for sure! Maybe you could even ourchase the photo albums in advance, and have a picture of those in with the coupon to open. Carrying those on the trip just to bring htem back again to fill is sort of nuts ( especially at the cost of baggage) but it would show your intent of the gift.
We are combining our family vacation with seeing family this Christmas and have to drive 2 days each way to afford it, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Do what makes your heart feel good, and if there is frustratoin over gift giving, try and get thru it best you can...it will pass and you will be able to enjoy the rest of the trip.

[BeckyScott]

When I got out of college, my first job was halfway across the country.

My grandparents (who I lived with) were very straight-up about the whole thing. We'll fly you home for Christmas, but that's your gift. And that was okay. I would have rather been at home with no gift than halfway across the country by myself with a box in the mail.

Just tell your family the truth, what you told us. Tell them you can't afford both. They'll understand.

[AntePrincess]

Please, go see your family, and make your gift a gift of yourself. The only gift I've ever given that has gotten me tears from the recipients' eyes and a surprise hug that knocked me out of my seat were handwritten letters I put together of everything I loved and appreciated about the person in question. It was all I could affford that year, being a starving student and all, while still getting home for the holiday. Years later, I've spotted one of those yellowing notes tucked into the corner of a picture frame holding an old school portrait of me on the mantle piece. If you were my family, I'd just want you home, and don't tell me I can't spoil you after all you've been through!

[crash2000]

well heres a different point of view, kids don't give a damn about the visit they want the gifts , they won't understand any of your personal issues... i would visit my parents give the 20yr olds a card, and be done with it...

or stay home christmas, and visit your parents another day, phone your relitives and tell them you couldn't afford the trip down this year, or to buy gifts.

[CLR4321]

Go buy the plane tickets and don't worry about gifts. Anyone who would be concerned about why you didn't buy them a gift, deserves a lump of coal for being that selfish. The holidays are a better time even to go see your family, especially if they are not doing well. Let your presence be their present, that is better than sending some gift certificates in the mail and not showing up.
As far as the plane tickets putting you into debt, is seeing your parents worth that debt? If something were to happen, would you not think "if only I had spent that $400....". You never know what could happen. Go see your family now while you can, and have yourself a merry little Christmas too!