need advise with a bullying situation

[disneyloveNY]

My daughter has been a victim of bullying and I am at a loss. She is 14. A girl (same age) from a neighboring school became her friend and it appears her goal has been to take over all my daughter's friends from our town. While calling my daughter to ask her for plans on the one hand, she was on the other hand systematically calling all her friends, boys and girls and telling them that my daughter had said awful things about them. making up all these lies. She is extremely manipulative and for whatever reason they all believed her with a rare few exceptions. No matter what my daughter says, they refuse to believe her. My daughter is certainly not perfect but one thing she is is honest and does not speak bad about others. This "friend" even went so far as to tell a boy that my daughter made his girlfriend break up with him when she doesn't even know the girlfriend.
She has support from others but all these others have ganged up on her in what they see as misplaced justice? I don't know. Usually I let her resolve social issues with some advise but this is truly out of control and this kid doesn't stop. I must add that this child used to live in our town but years ago the family moved because she was kicked out of school for major bullying issues. We did not know this until now. I did something I have never done which was to go to her house to speak with her mother. The mother was very gracious and completely believed me. The kid started screaming at me and her mother and po course denying everything. She started yelling, "you want me to tell them she didn't say anything? I said yes. She Im'd one of the girls and apparently right after I left her house, wrote her back and said, "I just did that because my mom and her mom made me." Her mom said she would take away her computer and keep her away from my daughter's friends but did not and she is not stopping. Help!

[MushyMushy]

The first thing I'd do is call your daughter's guidance counselor and explain the whole thing. Although the girl doesn't go to this school district, the guidance counselor *should* be able to get in touch with the other district to talk to that counselor. And, personally, if the counselor isn't willing to do that, I'd call the girl's guidance counselor myself.

I would just continue talking and talking until I reached someone who would be willing to help. This girl needs to be stopped. The mother sounds like she wants to help, but just doesn't know how.

I'm so sorry for your daughter.

[disneyloveNY]

Thank you ! That is a great idea. I have put in a call. I have my fingers crossed.

[minkydog]

And after you talk to the guidance counselor you need to talk to your daughter. Why is she sharing her plans with this girl? This girl has shown her true colors; your DD needs to put this girl aside and have NOTHING, NO THING to do with her in person or electronically. I understand how manipulative kids can be, how they can wheedle things out of you. But your DD needs to block her phone and refuse to even speak to this girl. That shouldn't be all that hard, given that the other girl goes to a different school.

I'm really sorry for your daughter going through this. Bullying is so destructive. Perhaps if your DD withdraws her attention this situation will simmer down. Getting the school on-board will help, too. And if the bullying continues despite all your daughter's and the school's interventions, then I'd say call the police for harrassment and let the chips fall where they may.

[disneyloveNY]

The counselor did not call back yet. I put in a second call. That is an interesting thought about taking this to the police if it doesn't stop, which unfortunately it hasn't. Do I have any grounds for filing a complaint? How would that work?

[Wishing on a star]

Originally Posted by minkydog

And after you talk to the guidance counselor you need to talk to your daughter. Why is she sharing her plans with this girl? This girl has shown her true colors; your DD needs to put this girl aside and have NOTHING, NO THING to do with her in person or electronically.

I SOOOOO agree....

You cannot enable and 'engage' with this type of person, and then still have a valid complaint to school counselors, police, etc...

This was my first thought.... They are not even in the same school ( district? ) and somehow this all manages to transpire...

You need to very clearly instruct your daughter on how to take ownership of this situation... block cell/text, NO email communication, change phones or emails,.... NO facebook, at least for now. etc... etc... etc...

Really, sometimes it is true that people can only do to you what you let them do.

Tell your daughter that she cannot 'engage' in ANY way. Not even in any effort to retain any of her friendships. If the other girls fall for this and go along with the queen-bee, then so be it. It can be beneficial to find out who your friends really are!

[diznygirl]

She will grow up to be the same kind of person. Sad but true.

I would take the drastic step of having your daughter invite her friends over and talking to them yourself about what you know about the girl. She is focused on your daughter now, but she can turn on any one of them later. I would even talk to their parents and give them a heads up.

There is no reason that this girl should have any expectation of privacy or politeness from the people she is manipulating. You can take away her effectiveness by letting everyone in on the way she operates.

If your daughter loses friends over this, then they aren't the kind of friends she wants anyway.

[C.Ann]

Originally Posted by Wishing on a star

I SOOOOO agree....

You cannot enable and 'engage' with this type of person, and then still have a valid complaint to school counselors, police, etc...

This was my first thought.... They are not even in the same school ( district? ) and somehow this all manages to transpire...

You need to very clearly instruct your daughter on how to take ownership of this situation... block cell/text, NO email communication, change phones or emails,.... NO facebook, at least for now. etc... etc... etc...

Really, sometimes it is true that people can only do to you what you let them do.

Tell your daughter that she cannot 'engage' in ANY way. Not even in any effort to retain any of her friendships. If the other girls fall for this and go along with the queen-bee, then so be it. It can be beneficial to find out who your friends really are!

I agree 100%.. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is "bullying" - whether it's between kids or adults..

Have her cease interaction with all those involved and see where it goes from there..

Good luck to your DD.. I feel awful for her..