Too much drama for only 1 day...Updated we've made contact

[KAMKIM]

I am completely on information overload right now. I have received shocking news twice in the last 24 hours and I dont know how to process it all or where to begin. I normally am very logically when it comes to stress but this is a bit much, and all I can think to do is come here and post it and get it out.

I have posted on this briefly before, me (28) and my brother (29) have different fathers. We have never met our real dads, we were raised by the man my mother married and always knew him as dad. When we were 18/19 we were told for the first time that he was not actually our dad and were given the names of the men that were our biological fathers. My mom planned on never telling us, she was put in the position that either she tell us, or someone else was going to, so she told us. She said my real father never knew about me, she said my brothers father walked out on her when she was pregnant and moved to California. She did not know either of these men very well I'm ashamed to say but did know that the men were friends (30 years ago)

My brother and I started searching 10 years ago and always came up empty. We would let it go for a while and one of us would get curious again and start searching again. All we had were first and last names of both men. So as most of you know I had posted about my daughter having issues in school and that she will be getting an evaluation soon. I always wondered about my real father because my medical history has always been unknown. So yesterday I started looking for my brothers real father on facebook. I knew he now lived in Oregon or did up to 10 years ago. So I searched for the last name and in Portland Oregon (no particular reason I chose Portland because it was the first city I could think of) and a profile popped up with a girl probably in her mid 20's...she had dark hair, dark eyes - kind of like my brother. her profile was private but I could see her friends, I clicked on her friends and saw a profile with the same name as my brothers real father. I sent her an email and asked if she was related to this man and did she know if he ever lived in this area. She responded with yes he grew up here and moved to Oregon years ago and then asked me why I wanted to know. So I wrote her a very long email explaining. Within 5 minutes I had 3 other friend requests, one from a girl saying she was the girl I had been emailing sister, and the man I was looking for was their father and that they are just finding out they have a brother. A few minutes later I get an email from his wife. I said my brothers picture is on my profile could you look at it, he is with his sons in the picture. His daughter sent me a video of their dad, O M G it was like looking at an exact age progression of my brother. Well needless to say I'm on the phone with my brother, and I'm IMing these women who are across the country crying and laughing and confused. My brother was very quiet during this time. Anyways, the man called me a few hours later (my brother was not ready to talk to him) he says he never knew my mom was pregnant (I dont know who to believe because 1, my mom had details of meeting this mans parents when my brother was born, and 2 why lie about this one when she told me my dad did not know) Anyways, he was VERY nice and very pleasant and happy and sad and shocked and we just talked and cried. He said he found my real dad and left him a message - they have not been in contact in 15 years but he was sure he'd hear from him by today.

Now I was very excited - this man and his wife want me and my brother to fly to Oregon and said we are now family and to not look in the past but only towards the future, it was really a nice email, I may even post it here if I get a chance, she took it very well but still said she was shocked, sad, hurt, angry but that she had no intentions of letting us lose contact now.

So we all were up all night comparing my brother to his real dad - they are eerily alike for having never met. So anyways, they are callign me back again tonight to talk some more and hopefully give me information about my real dad as well, or maybe he will call me himself - I dont know. My brother and the man that raised us were never close - they never bonded - but once I found out he wasn't our dad, I didn't lose that bond, I looked at him like you took in this woman, who already had 2 very small kids and gave us a life....the best life he could have given us. His family always accepted us, like I said we never knew - although to be honest we always felt like outsiders but not because of the way they treated us because you would have never guessed my grandma wasn't my grandma but something inside maybe made us feel that way.

I dont know so anyways, I get to work this morning still in shell shock from yesterday and my best friend called me to tell me her dad died this morning. He had cancer and was taken to hospice 2 days ago, we knew this time was coming but I planned on going to see him tomorrow. I was too late. This man treated me like a second daughter, his daughter and I have been best friends since 4th grade, my heart aches for him, and for her, and especially her mom.

Wow, if this was so very real to me, I would almost not believe it.

I dont know how I feel about my mom right now and the decisions she made very long ago, I am hurt and I am trying to be understanding with her being young at the time...but the truth is I dont know how I am supposed to feel about all this. She has been very quiet since yesterday. I tell myself to let it go but a part of me is so mad. I was lied to my entire life about who I was. Not just by her, but everyone I thought was my family. I thought I let all of this go after we found out about them, but now that they are finding out about us I feel upset by the whole thing again.

I dont know if my brothers dad is lying, but my dad did not know about me. I dont know what he will say, will he want to see me? What if he doesn't? Do I care? I dont know. And if I do see him, what on earth do I say?

[wvjules]

Originally Posted by KAMKIM

I am completely on information overload right now. I have received shocking news twice in the last 24 hours and I dont know how to process it all or where to begin. I normally am very logically when it comes to stress but this is a bit much, and all I can think to do is come here and post it and get it out.

I have posted on this briefly before, me (28) and my brother (29) have different fathers. We have never met our real dads, we were raised by the man my mother married and always knew him as dad. When we were 18/19 we were told for the first time that he was not actually our dad and were given the names of the men that were our biological fathers. My mom planned on never telling us, she was put in the position that either she tell us, or someone else was going to, so she told us. She said my real father never knew about me, she said my brothers father walked out on her when she was pregnant and moved to California. She did not know either of these men very well I'm ashamed to say but did know that the men were friends (30 years ago)

My brother and I started searching 10 years ago and always came up empty. We would let it go for a while and one of us would get curious again and start searching again. All we had were first and last names of both men. So as most of you know I had posted about my daughter having issues in school and that she will be getting an evaluation soon. I always wondered about my real father because my medical history has always been unknown. So yesterday I started looking for my brothers real father on facebook. I knew he now lived in Oregon or did up to 10 years ago. So I searched for the last name and in Portland Oregon (no particular reason I chose Portland because it was the first city I could think of) and a profile popped up with a girl probably in her mid 20's...she had dark hair, dark eyes - kind of like my brother. her profile was private but I could see her friends, I clicked on her friends and saw a profile with the same name as my brothers real father. I sent her an email and asked if she was related to this man and did she know if he ever lived in this area. She responded with yes he grew up here and moved to Oregon years ago and then asked me why I wanted to know. So I wrote her a very long email explaining. Within 5 minutes I had 3 other friend requests, one from a girl saying she was the girl I had been emailing sister, and the man I was looking for was their father and that they are just finding out they have a brother. A few minutes later I get an email from his wife. I said my brothers picture is on my profile could you look at it, he is with his sons in the picture. His daughter sent me a video of their dad, O M G it was like looking at an exact age progression of my brother. Well needless to say I'm on the phone with my brother, and I'm IMing these women who are across the country crying and laughing and confused. My brother was very quiet during this time. Anyways, the man called me a few hours later (my brother was not ready to talk to him) he says he never knew my mom was pregnant (I dont know who to believe because 1, my mom had details of meeting this mans parents when my brother was born, and 2 why lie about this one when she told me my dad did not know) Anyways, he was VERY nice and very pleasant and happy and sad and shocked and we just talked and cried. He said he found my real dad and left him a message - they have not been in contact in 15 years but he was sure he'd hear from him by today.

Now I was very excited - this man and his wife want me and my brother to fly to Oregon and said we are now family and to not look in the past but only towards the future, it was really a nice email, I may even post it here if I get a chance, she took it very well but still said she was shocked, sad, hurt, angry but that she had no intentions of letting us lose contact now.

So we all were up all night comparing my brother to his real dad - they are eerily alike for having never met. So anyways, they are callign me back again tonight to talk some more and hopefully give me information about my real dad as well, or maybe he will call me himself - I dont know. My brother and the man that raised us were never close - they never bonded - but once I found out he wasn't our dad, I didn't lose that bond, I looked at him like you took in this woman, who already had 2 very small kids and gave us a life....the best life he could have given us. His family always accepted us, like I said we never knew - although to be honest we always felt like outsiders but not because of the way they treated us because you would have never guessed my grandma wasn't my grandma but something inside maybe made us feel that way.

I dont know so anyways, I get to work this morning still in shell shock from yesterday and my best friend called me to tell me her dad died this morning. He had cancer and was taken to hospice 2 days ago, we knew this time was coming but I planned on going to see him tomorrow. I was too late. This man treated me like a second daughter, his daughter and I have been best friends since 4th grade, my heart aches for him, and for her, and especially her mom.

Wow, if this was so very real to me, I would almost not believe it.

I dont know how I feel about my mom right now and the decisions she made very long ago, I am hurt and I am trying to be understanding with her being young at the time...but the truth is I dont know how I am supposed to feel about all this. She has been very quiet since yesterday. I tell myself to let it go but a part of me is so mad. I was lied to my entire life about who I was. Not just by her, but everyone I thought was my family. I thought I let all of this go after we found out about them, but now that they are finding out about us I feel upset by the whole thing again.

I dont know if my brothers dad is lying, but my dad did not know about me. I dont know what he will say, will he want to see me? What if he doesn't? Do I care? I dont know. And if I do see him, what on earth do I say?

Wow that is a lot to take in in 24 hours. I have no advice. I would be overwhelmed and not know what to do myself.

[HM]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Luv2Scrap]

Wow. that really is a lot to take in such a short period of time. As far as meeting these new families goes, I would say take it slow and don't expect it to all go perfectly. There will be bumps along the road, on both sides. Expect it, and don't let it completely derail you and your brother when it happens.

I can totally see how you would feel really overwhelmed with all this right now. Make sure you have some downtime so you don't start spiraling out of control emotionally.

[java]

Time changes people's memories. If someone really wanted to believe something sometimes they remember it as being the truth. So I don't think either of them can really be "blamed" at this point. I wish you all the best in your meeting the new men in your life. And I can imagine this will be a very emotional time for you.

Take time to remember who you are isn't based on where you come from. (that's what I believe anyway)

And I am very sorry for your friend's loss of her father.

[KAMKIM]

I am really trying to not lose focus of why I started searching again anyways. I need to know if my real fathers family has ever experienced anything like what we are going through with my daughter now. I dont know that I even want a relationship with this man (my real father), but do I have the right to deny him a relationship with me if he wants one? Maybe he doesn't.

I am so happy for my brother, he is very excited to finally see a man that looks and acts just like him - but at the same time I am grieving for my friend and very nervous about this man calling me later. I almost have to laugh about it all because.....wow.

[Mouse House Mama]

That is a lot to take in.

Now I might be able to hopefully offer some perspective that came to mind from what you posted.
You are very lucky that you got the response you did from the man and his family. I personally think you were wrong to tell his daughters about your brother. IMO you should have contacted him directly and let him take the reins with his own family. Luckily though everything seems to be okay with them but it could have been much different.

As for your Mom, well IMO she did what she thought was best for both of you. I don't think she necesarily lied to you. I think she felt like she was protecting you both. She probably feels very hurt and threatened now. How would you feel if one day your dd looked at you like that? You have no idea what really happened and maybe there is much more to the story. Maybe this "Dad" is blowing smoke to cover his own tail with his wife. You talked to this man once or twice. He is essentially a stranger. I personally find it odd that they are all saying how you are family now etc. Blood doesn't make you a family. It takes a lot more than that.

Your brother's silence is also very telling. It is possible that maybe he didn't really want to know this man. Maybe you should have called him before you contacted them and opened pandora's box for him. I understand your excitement but it doesn't seem like your brother shares it. Maybe he feels like it isn't right to do this to your mother. Who knows? I would talk to him to find out how he feels about it all.

I am sorry to be the debbie downer here but I wanted to point out that while you are so excited, there is a lot more to all this that effects others.
Good luck and I hope you figure it all out.

[KAMKIM]

Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama

That is a lot to take in.

Now I might be able to hopefully offer some perspective that came to mind from what you posted.
You are very lucky that you got the response you did from the man and his family. I personally think you were wrong to tell his daughters about your brother. IMO you should have contacted him directly and let him take the reins with his own family. Luckily though everything seems to be okay with them but it could have been much different.

As for your Mom, well IMO she did what she thought was best for both of you. I don't think she necesarily lied to you. I think she felt like she was protecting you both. She probably feels very hurt and threatened now. How would you feel if one day your dd looked at you like that? You have no idea what really happened and maybe there is much more to the story. Maybe this "Dad" is blowing smoke to cover his own tail with his wife. You talked to this man once or twice. He is essentially a stranger. I personally find it odd that they are all saying how you are family now etc. Blood doesn't make you a family. It takes a lot more than that.

Your brother's silence is also very telling. It is possible that maybe he didn't really want to know this man. Maybe you should have called him before you contacted them and opened pandora's box for him. I understand your excitement but it doesn't seem like your brother shares it. Maybe he feels like it isn't right to do this to your mother. Who knows? I would talk to him to find out how he feels about it all.

I am sorry to be the debbie downer here but I wanted to point out that while you are so excited, there is a lot more to all this that effects others.
Good luck and I hope you figure it all out.

Actually I was on the phone with my brother when I found who I thought was his dad, he asked me to take the lead because he did not want to.

I did not know what relationship these women had with him when they confirmed they knew him. He does not check his facebook apparently so I guess it was meant to be that his daughters do and did shortly after I emailed them. I am suspicious to that this man is lying about whether or not he knew and walked out on my mom. We had 10 years to process this information, he had 10 seconds to do some explaining. I'm glad their response was a positive one though.

[KAMKIM]

Originally Posted by java

Time changes people's memories. If someone really wanted to believe something sometimes they remember it as being the truth. So I don't think either of them can really be "blamed" at this point. I wish you all the best in your meeting the new men in your life. And I can imagine this will be a very emotional time for you.

Take time to remember who you are isn't based on where you come from. (that's what I believe anyway)

And I am very sorry for your friend's loss of her father.

That is very true. After 30 years I'm sure their recollection of what actually happened maybe more like his story, her story, and then the truth. I dont know that it really matters at this point any how.

[tink_lover]

If one of my adopted children, once they reached adulthood, found one of their BIOLOGICAL parents and started talking about how excited they are to meet their REAL parents - I would wonder who raised them, their FAKE parents? You need to be careful with your terminology. It may seem like a small thing to you, but could be causing hurt feelings in your family.

[KAMKIM]

Originally Posted by tink_lover

If one of my adopted children, once they reached adulthood, found one of their BIOLOGICAL parents and started talking about how excited they are to meet their REAL parents - I would wonder who raised them, their FAKE parents? You need to be careful with your terminology. It may seem like a small thing to you, but could be causing hurt feelings in your family.

I understand, I say real because its easier to type out. My dad - the man that raised us is not aware that we have found them. I am not ready to have that conversation yet either.

[ols386]

Oh my, you have certainly had a lot to take-in and deal with. That is alot!!

My parents adopted me when I was 1 1/2 years old, and they always (even from the time I was little and didn't even know the definition of adoption), told me I was adopted. So I grew up knowing this. And I have to say, both my mom and dad's families, always treated me like I was just one of them. I really never had any interest in knowing about my biological family....until I grew up and had a child of my own, and that experience made me want to know.

As it turned out, my parents know my biological mother, and to make a long story short, I met my biological mother, and my biological siblings. After meeting my biological mother, to be honest, I really never wanted to have anything else to do with her, and I didn't in the years after that. And to this day, I'm not sure why I felt this way (she is since deceased). But I have maintained contact with my biological siblings, and they are GREAT!!!

I think with the situation you are in, it would be good to meet your father. It might answer alot of questions for you. I think maybe in time, you can sort out the feelings you have concerning your mother, and how she handled the situation. I'm sure she had her reasons for not telling you the truth, all those years, and she might feel bad about it now. I think as parents, we do what we think is best, at the time.

Best wishes to you and your brother.

[KAMKIM]

Originally Posted by ols386

Oh my, you have certainly had a lot to take-in and deal with. That is alot!!

My parents adopted me when I was 1 1/2 years old, and they always (even from the time I was little and didn't even know the definition of adoption), told me I was adopted. So I grew up knowing this. And I have to say, both my mom and dad's families, always treated me like I was just one of them. I really never had any interest in knowing about my biological family....until I grew up and had a child of my own, and that experience made me want to know.

As it turned out, my parents know my biological mother, and to make a long story short, I met my biological mother, and my biological siblings. After meeting my biological mother, to be honest, I really never wanted to have anything else to do with her, and I didn't in the years after that. And to this day, I'm not sure why I felt this way (she is since deceased). But I have maintained contact with my biological siblings, and they are GREAT!!!

I think with the situation you are in, it would be good to meet your father. It might answer alot of questions for you. I think maybe in time, you can sort out the feelings you have concerning your mother, and how she handled the situation. I'm sure she had her reasons for not telling you the truth, all those years, and she might feel bad about it now. I think as parents, we do what we think is best, at the time.

Best wishes to you and your brother.

I know how you feel, even though I have not met my biological father yet, I am kind of indifferent about him. Where my brother is in with finding his. Maybe it's because he wasn't close to our dad so he has always wanted that male connection and to find out more about himself.

This mans families reaction was nothing short of amazing, my brothers biological father's sister even sent me a friend request and asked that I call her because she too is so happy to hear she has a nephew. I think my brother was very afraid of how they would react so he figured I could deal with that better than he could, he cannot put himself out there only to be rejected.

[ols386]

Originally Posted by KAMKIM

I am really trying to not lose focus of why I started searching again anyways. I need to know if my real fathers family has ever experienced anything like what we are going through with my daughter now. I dont know that I even want a relationship with this man (my real father), but do I have the right to deny him a relationship with me if he wants one? Maybe he doesn't.

I am so happy for my brother, he is very excited to finally see a man that looks and acts just like him - but at the same time I am grieving for my friend and very nervous about this man calling me later. I almost have to laugh about it all because.....wow.

I definately think you have that right, if that's how you honestly feel.

[Disney Doll]

Hopefully, by age 28, you have seen "enough" of the world to realize that decisions people made at the time, seemed, at the time, to be the best decisions.

Don't be too hard on your Mom. I have a friend who got pregnant young back in that era (late 70's/early 80's) and it wasn't as easy then as it is now. Now, it's almost like a badge of honor to have a baby, married, not married...doesn't really matter. Back then, the world was different...so for your Mom's sake, keep that in perpsective. Don't look at the early 80's with 2009 "eyes". There was still a lot of stigma attached to out-of-wedlock pregnancies, the decisions she made were probably the best ones she could make at the time. It's easy to look back 25-30 years later and say "She should have done this" but, you know that old saying...hindisght is always 20/20! As far as the difference in their stories...again 25-30 years...a lot gets forgotten, memories get "clouded". As a PP pointed out, you also sort of blindsided this guy with this blockbuster info, so if he's back-pedalling or "misremembering" (or, for that matter, if your Mom is) I think you need to cut them some slack. Like I said, the world was a lot different back then.

I also think you & your brother need to proceed with extreme caution here, for a couple of reasons. #1 - you don't want to hurt your mother & step-father. She may not have been perfect, but if you think she's tried her best and done her best to give you a decent life, then you owe her some respect for that. Don't be bouncing around all happy and joyful that you found your "family" because you've had a family all along, and one that sounds like it's been pretty good. And even with the "cool" relationship between your brother & step-father, well, I am assuming the guy tried...as you said, he took on a woman with 2 small children...it couldn't have been easy. #2 - you don't know anything about these people other than they are related by blood to your brother. I know it's all happy and right now, but proceed with extreme caution.

Just go slow, keep your wits about you, and be realistic about the situation.

I am sorry about your friend's father.