Do you encourage adventure or risk taking in your children

[Tiggeroo]

I have three children, all college aged. I would love nothing better then for them to be very traditional. But I realize that throughout their lives I encouraged them to be explorers. The result is the oldest who graduated with a bachelors in bio-chemistry is now back in school pursuing archaeology and anthropology. It is what I consider a non-traditional and risky career choice.
But my middle son is especially worrisome. He has been pursuing his undergrad in a sloppy non-hearted kind of way to keep me happy. He is now 21 with roughly his associates. A year ago he joined a band. He has spent hours and hours every week learning several instruments. He has been learning about production and recording from other members and experts.
At the end of the month he is moving to Philadelphia where the band is going to devote one year to their band. They are getting alot of local attention, have all of the work here they want and have won several regional talent contests. The local station occasionally plays their music. They want to be in a bigger market. They also want to prove that they can do it away from all of these people who support them. The whole thing makes me very nervous. I would rather him just get through school. But I'm encouraging him while biting my tongue. He'll get a package of house supplies and occasional food care packages from us while he does this.
He has assured me that if it doesn't go well at the end of the year he will go back to school and pour all of this energy into getting serious about a degree.
Any thoughts?

[Rafiki31]

It is nice to have parents that encourage you, but just be aware of that fine line between encouraging and enabling. Steer clear of that line! At his age, he will prob do what he wants anyway, so you kind of have to support his decision. You do not have to support him financially. (doesnt sound like you plan to)


And prepare yourself, "taking a year off" is code for not going back anytime soon. I know a lot of people who did this, some went back years later, most never did and NONE did in a year. But if you are in school and do not really know what you want to do, maybe he needs some time to figure it out. Could you quietly nudge him toward production and recording classes to "help the band". A college degree helps in life, but it is not the only way to be successful.

A local band actually making it is like winning the lottery, what is his back up plan? How does he plan to support himself while in this band? I am of the school of thought that being in a band is more of a hobby, and you can work or go to school while being in a band. But at the age of 21, this is the time to get that out of his system if he must.

I used to go to see a lot of local bands in my area, and thirty something year old guys with no job that think their band is still going to make it are a dime a dozen. He is young enough now to try to go after this, and he may get lucky, but when the time comes to move on, that is when you will have your realy worries. Hang in there!

[The Mystery Machine]

Still stressing out over this Tiggeroo?

As long as my kids are moving forward & have goals, I am good. Moving forward does have risk involved, even with a college degree. Lots of people are out of work and getting a job is not easy. Taking a yr off is probably not a bad idea actually.

And yes there is a line between enabling and encouraging. I think you put your best foot forward and take things as they come.

It will be ok. (repeat as necessary)

[PatsGirl]

I think anytime young responsible adults have a goal or plan that involves experiential education they should be encouraged to follow their hearts There is a small amount of time between teen years and adults years where they will be expected to follow more traditional paths, most often including taking care of their own children.

I went to college straight from high school, got my AA in Accounting, traveled cross-country in the US for months, had a small house built and then went backpacking around Europe for a year before I was 26 years old. I then settled down, got married and started my family. My parents didn't exactly encourage this but they didn't discourage me either. I wouldn't have traded a safe, risk-free 20s for anything

[Mouse House Mama]

I would encourage my kids to pursue whatever their passion is. I was the kid who the musician. My parents never ever discouraged it. I always had some kind of job and I still pursued my passion. I did get a degree in music and I also learned how to engineer music as well. IMO life is short, you should pursue what makes you the happiest. I of course want all of my children to be self sufficient but if they wanted to be something that maybe wouldn't guarantee a regular paycheck I would still encourage them because having passion for something is priceless and few are the people who get to actually do something they enjoy for a living. YMMV.

[jsmith]

I have children roughly the same age as yours. I curious,why are you so uncomfortable with this? hes an adult,and we all need to test our wings and be who we are. Yes they might failbut it will be a life lesson and might motivate him to pursue a college degree more seriously. He needs to test himself and know whether or not he can succeed so he does not have regrets later in life and as hard as it is Mom,you need to let him and be at peace with that. You have done your job and its time to let him fly. It might not be your dream but clearly its his. And it sounds like he has pursued learning the things it will take to make him successful. There are plent of areas in music that dont require he actually be the artist and this might open doors in one of them,and he might surprise you even some moderate success will let him feel as tho he pursued his dream.
Why is anthropology/archeology a risky carreer choice? Thats what my degree , or one of them is in-and while it is not what i do now i had a couple of jobs i really enjoyed. There are alot of government jobs in that area with agencies like the Bureau of Land Managment, the Forest Service and the Park Service, Wont make you rich but they are stable and a living income. And its an excellent background for a law degree. I do modeling and simulation for the armyand the cultural stuff i learned is very useful in some of that, especially since my advisor had done field work in Afghanistan in the 70s.
Its funny how parents are-my sons are 1) getting a PHd in physics and the other is in a concurrent bs/ms in applied math and aerospace engineering-i continually wish they had chosen things more "humanizing" or pursed the talent they both have in music. But they are who they are and my job is to love them and let them be those people.
Breathe thru it mom. I know its tough but it will be okay

[BelleWDW]

Originally Posted by Tiggeroo

He has assured me that if it doesn't go well at the end of the year he will go back to school and pour all of this energy into getting serious about a degree.
Any thoughts?

I doubt he'll go back or really consider one year the cut off
TWo of my son's friends have been playing music since freshman year in HS-they played gigs all thru college, and after graduation do it full time-going on 3 years now.They go all over the east coast, and i really wonder if it pays their bills

Anyway I ran into the blog of one of the other band memebers whose biggest concern is finding decent food in the middle of the night in all the cities they play in. Intersting read.

http://imhungryihavetopee.blogspot.c...max-results=34

[disney1990]

I just want my children to be happy in life. I encourage them to follow their dreams.

[Planogirl]

I have a pretty traditional degree and I've never found a way to use it. I've had instead some hideous jobs that tend to crash and burn after a while due to layoffs and just plain wackiness. With that in mind I encourage DS to figure out what he loves and prepare himself for that. After all what could be better than making a living doing something you love?

[SeaSpray]

Originally Posted by Rafiki31

It is nice to have parents that encourage you, but just be aware of that fine line between encouraging and enabling. Steer clear of that line! At his age, he will prob do what he wants anyway, so you kind of have to support his decision. You do not have to support him financially. (doesnt sound like you plan to)


And prepare yourself, "taking a year off" is code for not going back anytime soon. I know a lot of people who did this, some went back years later, most never did and NONE did in a year. But if you are in school and do not really know what you want to do, maybe he needs some time to figure it out. Could you quietly nudge him toward production and recording classes to "help the band". A college degree helps in life, but it is not the only way to be successful.

A local band actually making it is like winning the lottery, what is his back up plan? How does he plan to support himself while in this band? I am of the school of thought that being in a band is more of a hobby, and you can work or go to school while being in a band. But at the age of 21, this is the time to get that out of his system if he must.

I used to go to see a lot of local bands in my area, and thirty something year old guys with no job that think their band is still going to make it are a dime a dozen. He is young enough now to try to go after this, and he may get lucky, but when the time comes to move on, that is when you will have your realy worries. Hang in there!

Unless you're from Sayreville, New Jersey, in which case your odds are much better in that band lottery. (ref: Bon Jovi and Skid Row)


Rafiki, please don't be offended, I agree with what you said. I'm just being funny here (although the above is true!). I agree that a local band making it big has very slim chances. I just had to chuckle when you said that though, since I personally knew John Bongiovi and Dave Sabo from my home town.

[DVC Sadie]

I think I would encourage anyone to pursue their passion, as long they can be self sufficient.

Sometimes the parents are willing and have the means to support that passion and for awhile help out but there are a lot of people who do need to find a back up plan just in case the passion does not pay the bills.

[LuvOrlando]

I encourage a little bit of both in my kids because of my own views on things. Esoteric study for its own sake is incredible, but it isn't very practical and that is why double majors exist IMO. When DH and I were in School I got my BS in Economics with another AAS in Finance. Because I adored Literature, I took every elective available on Shakespeare and in the Arts and got an AA because of it. DH got his BA in Forensic Psychology and studied at The School of Visual Arts on the side, and then he went on to get all sorts of certificates in Computers. We personally do not see the choices as either or at all, so this is how we raise our kids. My DS loves video games and skateboarding so he is free to mess around with either as much as he wants once his academic studies are completed. I don't discourage him because he could have an amazing career ahead of him as a video game developer. My DD is an artist like DH and she is free to create whatever she wants once her academics are done. I don't discourage her because maybe she'll end up attending Parsons in NYC and go on to be a designer. Even if they only do this stuff for fun, if it makes them happy good for them- the world has enough miserable adults without them.

I think people are happiest when they learn how to balance their work/life requirements. Too much work and you're miserable but too much fun and you're poor... the right mix is somewhere in the middle. To me the beauty of a job well done is both disposable time and income.

[rie'smom]

Our older son son went straight through college and then law school. He's an average student.

Our younger son went to college then dropped out. He played around for awhile then found his niche as a salesman in the oil and gas business. He absolutely loves his work. He's the brightest of our 3 children. This son was also in a band but left. He said when he had to do it as a job, he didn't like it as much. In a spare bd at his house, he's set up a music studio where he and his friends play, sing, and record.

The youngest has a learning disability and doesn't like school at all. She will probably go to beauty school. As long as she has a job and is productive, it's fine.

Just posted this so you can see that each of our 3 has taken or will take a different route after high school. Just be supportive. They can figure it out if you give them a chance.

[~Kik-Kik~]

Your talking about what your kids will be doing for the rest of their lives. The first child I would definatly support. It's not really something you go into without haveing a love for the subject, and that is what matters. If he gains experience and has a passion for it I'm sure he will have sucess in the field.

The second child, not so much. I think he needs a does of reality. Of course you need to support him, but you also need to show him that it is nothing stable. Prehaps he should do that as a hobby and not a job?

[Tiggeroo]

Still stressing out over this Tiggeroo?

Yes I"m kind of pathetic that way. I"m working on it. This is mostly the only place I vent about it.

I have children roughly the same age as yours. I curious,why are you so uncomfortable with this?

I grew up with very little and my parents didn't encourage us to do anything to better ourselves. In fact they made it very difficult. I would feel ok taking time off to do music if he had finished his degree first or if he did it right out of hs taking a year off before school. Now he's getting older and I"m concerned that he won't have a way to support himself if this doesn't work out. My reason for the concern over dd is that she is taking on additional student debt. I believe her debt to income potential in this career choice may be skewed. I would rather her have gotten a job where they reimbursed tuition or worked quicker to get into grad school so that she is eligible for additional financial aid.
I believe there is room for both esoteric and practical in education. I do not believe either child can be even minimally comfortable and self sufficient with these choices. My dd lives here and pays a very nominal rent. Her food and other supplies are always here for her. She couldn't afford to be back in school otherwise. DH and I are not willing to do this forever. We need to start thinking about ourselves and our retirement planning. We are having a hard time telling our dd who is hard working but too old to be at home that she needs to find a way to do this while getting her own place to live. I am afraid that by allowing her to stay here I am making it easy for her to stay in school and rack up debt. If she wanted to stay here to save some money to buy a home or something she'd be welcome.
I think we do our kids a disservice when we tell them do anything you love doing and it will all work out in the end. That really isn't the way the world works.