How do I help my Best Friend?

[LauraR]

My best friend is having extreme financial problems. She has been out of a job for more than a year and has run through her savings. Now she is coming up to 4 months in arrears on her mortgage. She is depressed, so not putting out the effort she needs to to find a job. I've helped her out a little financially, but suggested she apply for government help like food stamps and state medical plans. She is resistant to that. I want to help her, but I can't support her financially. She also has credit card debt, but hasn't told me how much. I know she put $70,000 down on her house (bought for $215,000), so she has some equity there. Should I tell her to sell the house before it is foreclosed on? Should I offer to let her move in with me so she can rent out her house to cover the mortgage (my husband is not crazy about that one). I just want to give her some good advice, but I'm not sure what she should do right now....

[An_Island_Girl]

Oh what a great friend you are! If you can swing it, I would set up an appointment for her with a financial consultant. That way the information is coming from an "expert", and is sometimes easier to hear than the advice of a good friend.

[LauraR]

Originally Posted by An_Island_Girl

Oh what a great friend you are! If you can swing it, I would set up an appointment for her with a financial consultant. That way the information is coming from an "expert", and is sometimes easier to hear than the advice of a good friend.

Thanks for the idea, but how much would a financial consultant probably charge?

[Perditamarie]

This could be a start and I believe it is free:

http://www.cccs-inc.org/cd_financially_fit.php

You are a great friend!

[pal-mickey]

Giving her emotional support and being there for her is also good. And as the others have suggested a financial counsler.

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

This may not be a popular reply but I think if you allow her to move in with you and your husband, you are enabling the behavior that caused her to have the problem in the first place.

It will allow her to continue on her path, with just different geography (your house instead of hers).

She needs to change what path she's on, and some people won't change until it get reeeaaaalllly bad, and the path they insist on staying on is simply gone.

If you try to help her by offering her options (asking around at work/neighborhood for jobs that she can do is one that's popular where I live when someone we know loses a job), and she doesn't accept that help, then you might need to step back.

It's painful to watch friends/family members make bad choices, but a lot of the time they don't want to hear the truth or get help...

[LauraR]

Originally Posted by Perditamarie

This could be a start and I believe it is free:

http://www.cccs-inc.org/cd_financially_fit.php

You are a great friend!

Thanks for the link!

[LauraR]

Originally Posted by Kickapoo Joie Juice

This may not be a popular reply but I think if you allow her to move in with you and your husband, you are enabling the behavior that caused her to have the problem in the first place.

It will allow her to continue on her path, with just different geography (your house instead of hers).

She needs to change what path she's on, and some people won't change until it get reeeaaaalllly bad, and the path they insist on staying on is simply gone.

If you try to help her by offering her options (asking around at work/neighborhood for jobs that she can do is one that's popular where I live when someone we know loses a job), and she doesn't accept that help, then you might need to step back.

It's painful to watch friends/family members make bad choices, but a lot of the time they don't want to hear the truth or get help...

I think you make a good point, but it seems like things are already really bad, but she doesn't seem to be able to get out of her situation. I thought being behind on her mortgage and not having money to buy food would be a wake-up call, but she's just moving deeper into depression. That worries me a lot because she did attempt suicide once in the past.

[Mom2micayla]

Originally Posted by Kickapoo Joie Juice

This may not be a popular reply but I think if you allow her to move in with you and your husband, you are enabling the behavior that caused her to have the problem in the first place.

How do you figure? Her friend lost her job. It's not like she went on a spending spree and then couldn't pay for it. IMO the fact that she put down 70k on her house, as well as kept up all her bills prior to losing her job means she was (is) clearly fiscally responsible. Being out of a job for a year would put most people in arrears!

I don't have much advice, but I'd certainly try to get her to list her house asap before it's foreclosed on. It would be such a shame for her to lose that house with all the equity she has in it (assuming there hasn't been a massive depreciation since she purchased it). Even if she lowballed it, she'd still stand to make a profit and she can start over. Rent a small place or stay with you while she gets back on her feet, without a bankruptcy or foreclosure over her head.

You're a great friend for caring so much!

[crisi]

If my husband was not crazy about letting her move in, I would not make the offer. This may be a long road for her and if he isn't crazy about it now, a year from now when her life hasn't quite yet straightened out you might need to make a really hard choice about who you want to live with.

The depression needs to be treated. I'd call the United Way and see what sort of resources are available to her - often there are free resources - and generic antidepressants are cheap. If she isn't functioning because of the depression, step one is getting that treated.

Once she is functioning, she can take steps. Those may, at this point, be drastic steps like letting the house go or declaring bankruptcy. But SHE needs to make those decisions or let those decisions be made for her by the system.

She needs to start working - even if its working at Starbucks or WalMart. It will bring in some income, it will also keep her busy and provide some structure.

[crisi]

If my husband was not crazy about letting her move in, I would not make the offer. This may be a long road for her and if he isn't crazy about it now, a year from now when her life hasn't quite yet straightened out you might need to make a really hard choice about who you want to live with.

The depression needs to be treated. I'd call the United Way and see what sort of resources are available to her - often there are free resources - and generic antidepressants are cheap. If she isn't functioning because of the depression, step one is getting that treated.

Once she is functioning, she can take steps. Those may, at this point, be drastic steps like letting the house go or declaring bankruptcy. But SHE needs to make those decisions or let those decisions be made for her by the system.

She needs to start working - even if its working at Starbucks or WalMart. It will bring in some income, it will also keep her busy and provide some structure.

[ontariomonkey]

I don't think that we can underestimate the effect that depression may be having on her. She has a history of mental illness (previous suicide attempt), and is now showing signs of depression. People that are really ill sometimes can't even get out of bed, get dressed, take a shower, let alone organize themselves to apply for government help. Being motivated to find a job after 1 year that most likely triggered the depression - unlikely.

So, at the very least your friend needs to exersize daily and make sure that she has enough 'good fat' for her brain so omega 3,6,9 by supplementing with fish oil ($$) or eating avacados, wallnuts, flax etc. You may need to go there everyday and drag her out of bed to go for a walk or take her for a swim. Difficult - yes but something a true friend would do if possible.

If she can affort to see a Dr that would be best. Also, you could look into community organizations that might offer free councelling.

I am sorry for you both, thank the universe she has a good friend like you to help out. This can and will spiral out of control I suspect that she will lose the house soon and then potentially her kids if she dosn't get it together.

[aka-mad4themouse]

Originally Posted by LauraR

My best friend is having extreme financial problems. She has been out of a job for more than a year and has run through her savings. Now she is coming up to 4 months in arrears on her mortgage. She is depressed, so not putting out the effort she needs to to find a job. I've helped her out a little financially, but suggested she apply for government help like food stamps and state medical plans. She is resistant to that. I want to help her, but I can't support her financially. She also has credit card debt, but hasn't told me how much. I know she put $70,000 down on her house (bought for $215,000), so she has some equity there. Should I tell her to sell the house before it is foreclosed on? Should I offer to let her move in with me so she can rent out her house to cover the mortgage (my husband is not crazy about that one). I just want to give her some good advice, but I'm not sure what she should do right now....

Moving to the Community Board since that forum is better suited for the discussion of interpersonal relationships.

You're a very good friend to want to help her out. Be there as a shoulder to cry on. But please do not allow her to move in with you unless your DH is also on board. It will cause a stressful situation for everyone involved.

Point her in the direction of a good credit councilor and be a willing ear when she needs to unload her emotions. Let the credit councilor guide her thru the steps she needs to take to bring herself out of this hole. That's their job and they know it well. Their emotional detachment from the situation is exactly what is needed.

You cannot make her sell the house, apply for assistance or seek medical intervention for her depression. Many of us women have the drive to "kiss the boo-boo and make it better". This is one case where it doesn't work.

I hope things improve for your friend. She is fortunate to have someone like you in her life.

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Originally Posted by LauraR

I think you make a good point, but it seems like things are already really bad, but she doesn't seem to be able to get out of her situation. I thought being behind on her mortgage and not having money to buy food would be a wake-up call, but she's just moving deeper into depression. That worries me a lot because she did attempt suicide once in the past.

If that's true then she needs professional help. You can't help her out of her depression, nor can you treat it.

She's probably in denial about just how bad things really are, as evidenced by her refusal to follow up on your very reasonable suggestions.

That was my point about paths-she may not see how bad her path is and may refuse to change paths until she's forced to do it.

My point is that letting her live with you isn't really "helping" her.

For her to be helped requires internal change of attitude and perspective on her part (and probably professional therapeutic and financial help), not simply "pulling a geographic" as those who are familiar with 12 step programs like to call it...

[TupperMom7]

I don't recall reading if she has a husband and/or children? Sounds like she must have a pretty big house for over $200K. Having her move in with you should be a last resort. As in, she has no place else to go and cannot live in her house anymore because someone else lives there kind of last resort.

Does she belong to a church? Most churches have food pantries where she can get food for free. If she has not already done so, she should sell everything she can that has value either on Ebay, Craigslist or a garage sale. De-clutter and get some cash in her hands. If they have two cars, perhaps they can go down to one.

Wasn't there a government program for homeowners who could not afford to pay their monthly mortgage? Something about they can stay in the home and refinance to make it affordable? Can't remember exactly, but I seem to remember Obama talking about it - could have been a campaign promise though.

Help your friend to help herself, but not at the risk of damaging your marriage.