What do I do? Warning long

[Boxley]

This situation has been bugging me for about a week. I have only told my husband and he is so stumped that he has no idea what to do. I guess anomity helps on here because so far I havn't let anyone in my life know what is going on and I guess here no one knows me and so the advice would be a little bit more unprejudiced.

I was talking to my brother, (I'll call him Joe) and we were just talking and he told me "Look, I have something to say and it has been bothering me for the longest time but you got to promise that you won't say anything to the family. I told Joe, "OK, what is it?" He proceeded to tell me that our other brother, (Fake name of Keith) was not my father's child. I was stunned.

Let me back track a bit. My parents had me at a very young and stupid age, they got married before they knew what marriage meant I guess. My father had three best friends, Friend A and Friend B. 8 years after I was born, my mother would have an affair with Friend B that would result in Joe's birth. This had caused a seperation in my parents' marriage and when they patched things up it was known that Joe was not my dad's kid, but my father still adopted him as his own. Later after that incident, my mother would have another affair and my parents would divorce. My sister was born from this affair. So, for years I thought that my brother Keith and I were fully related while Joe, my sister were my half siblings. Now, I realize that Keith is half related to me too.

My mother had an affair with Friend A, a couple of years after I was born. She didn't tell my father but Joe told me that my dad had an inkling that Keith was not his. He just never pushed my mother to find out the truth. In anger, my mother told my father the truth. They both have never told Keith who thinks his dad is well, my dad too. Friend A had died a year or two ago and his family saw Keith and marveled how Keith looked a lot like Friend A and my dad told them to quit it because they were talking about his son.

Even though through the years I knew Keith didn't look like my dad I never pursued it, I just accepted it but when Joe told me the confirmation of my suspicions I grew angry at my mother. She and I acutally have some problems between us, in the years past she was very negligent towards us and seem to have chosen certain men over her children, even if these guys were putting us down emotionally and physically beating us, she still had them around the house and made it our faults they were jerks. She is trying to reconsile with me, but I don't feel ready for that.

As Joe and I were talking, we decided we were going to be quiet about it all because it wasn't our place to say anything but it still bugs us. My mother promised Joe she would tell Keith but has not told anything to him. I am scared that she WILL tell him and this could send my brother on the edge because my father has been Keith's hero and this gets told, it could ruin him. I am angry at my mother but not enough to see my brother's heart get torn out. I don't know what to do. Joe doesn't want me to say anything to my mother that I know the truth. I just don't want Keith hurt in all of this and evidence is pointing to Keith doesn't even know about this other father.

I am stuck though, if my mother wants to tell Keith the truth, I want to tell her to personally shut up and keep her mouth quiet because it was due to her selfishness that this problem is even around. On the other hand, Keith has a right to know the truth.

[AlleyKat]

Originally Posted by Boxley

As Joe and I were talking, we decided we were going to be quiet about it all because it wasn't our place to say anything

Touche'

Originally Posted by Boxley

I am stuck though, if my mother wants to tell Keith the truth, I want to tell her to personally shut up and keep her mouth quiet because it was due to her selfishness that this problem is even around. On the other hand, Keith has a right to know the truth.

Why do you/your siblings feel the need to keep Keith in the dark? Your other siblings know they have different fathers.

Let your mother tell Keith what she feels she needs to tell him, just be there for him if he needs you!

[MizTink]

Originally Posted by Boxley

This situation has been bugging me for about a week. I have only told my husband and he is so stumped that he has no idea what to do. I guess anomity helps on here because so far I havn't let anyone in my life know what is going on and I guess here no one knows me and so the advice would be a little bit more unprejudiced.

I was talking to my brother, (I'll call him Joe) and we were just talking and he told me "Look, I have something to say and it has been bothering me for the longest time but you got to promise that you won't say anything to the family. I told Joe, "OK, what is it?" He proceeded to tell me that our other brother, (Fake name of Keith) was not my father's child. I was stunned.

Let me back track a bit. My parents had me at a very young and stupid age, they got married before they knew what marriage meant I guess. My father had three best friends, Friend A and Friend B. 8 years after I was born, my mother would have an affair with Friend B that would result in Joe's birth. This had caused a seperation in my parents' marriage and when they patched things up it was known that Joe was not my dad's kid, but my father still adopted him as his own. Later after that incident, my mother would have another affair and my parents would divorce. My sister was born from this affair. So, for years I thought that my brother Keith and I were fully related while Joe, my sister were my half siblings. Now, I realize that Keith is half related to me too.

My mother had an affair with Friend A, a couple of years after I was born. She didn't tell my father but Joe told me that my dad had an inkling that Keith was not his. He just never pushed my mother to find out the truth. In anger, my mother told my father the truth. They both have never told Keith who thinks his dad is well, my dad too. Friend A had died a year or two ago and his family saw Keith and marveled how Keith looked a lot like Friend A and my dad told them to quit it because they were talking about his son.

Even though through the years I knew Keith didn't look like my dad I never pursued it, I just accepted it but when Joe told me the confirmation of my suspicions I grew angry at my mother. She and I acutally have some problems between us, in the years past she was very negligent towards us and seem to have chosen certain men over her children, even if these guys were putting us down emotionally and physically beating us, she still had them around the house and made it our faults they were jerks. She is trying to reconsile with me, but I don't feel ready for that.

As Joe and I were talking, we decided we were going to be quiet about it all because it wasn't our place to say anything but it still bugs us. My mother promised Joe she would tell Keith but has not told anything to him. I am scared that she WILL tell him and this could send my brother on the edge because my father has been Keith's hero and this gets told, it could ruin him. I am angry at my mother but not enough to see my brother's heart get torn out. I don't know what to do. Joe doesn't want me to say anything to my mother that I know the truth. I just don't want Keith hurt in all of this and evidence is pointing to Keith doesn't even know about this other father.

I am stuck though, if my mother wants to tell Keith the truth, I want to tell her to personally shut up and keep her mouth quiet because it was due to her selfishness that this problem is even around. On the other hand, Keith has a right to know the truth.

wow, what a tough situation.
are we talking about adults here? how old is the youngest brother?
i don't know, but i've always felt like the man that raised the child, and was there for him, IS THE DAD. genetics is just science. i know everyone doesn't feel that way though.......

[MizTink]

i forgot to say that i do think keith deserves to know the truth. it just might not be as devastating as you think it will be.
and where is the dad? the 1 keith thinks is his?

[Boxley]

Originally Posted by AlleyKat

Touche'




Why do you/your siblings feel the need to keep Keith in the dark? Your other siblings know they have different fathers.

Let your mother tell Keith what she feels she needs to tell him, just be there for him if he needs you!

Because the thing with Keith and my dad is throughout life they have been the closest. Keith and my dad are more the just family, they are each other's best friends. Keith has been unstable over the years, there have been other problems and no matter what my dad was there. Keith has finally got his life in order and now this comes. I should of revamped my words to say, Keith should have a right to know, but at this time, I think things should be kept quiet.My mom told Joe she wants to tell Keith now. Also, friend A has never been around, he died several years ago but over the years contact was lost so Joe and I are stuck because we don't see the point of Keith knowing on the other hand, we think he should know. We are all adults.

[Abbie]

Wow. That is quite some family history. Am I reading it correctly that there are four kids from four different fathers? If that's the case, your mom has really given you reason to be angry and upset, in addition to the way she allowed her various boyfriends to treat you when you were growing up! That is a lot for anyone to take in, I hope you will consider talking to someone to help you through it all.

As far as Keith (I'm assuming he's an adult), you're right, he does deserve to know the truth. But who would it be better coming from, your mom (who created the issue), your dad, or you and Joe? I think I'd rather hear news like that from my brother and sister......then he can deal with your mom and her betrayals. If he's always seen your dad as his hero, obviously your dad has treated him like his own son so he needn't be devastated by the news. Nothing about the truth will change the fact that your dad IS Keith's dad for all intents and purposes! Keep reminding him of that and that maybe your dad never told him the truth because it didn't change how he felt about him.

I'm sorry you're going through so much!

[my3sonsagn]

That's a tough one! As much as it's going to hurt Keith, he should be told - mainly because it seems like he's the only one who doesn't know which means it will slip out eventually, and he'll be even more hurt that he was the only one kept in the dark, kwim?

That said, would your Dad be willing to be the one to tell him? It just seems to me that your Dad knowing hasn't changed his feelings for Keith at all, and I think that, if he's the one to tell him, he can immediately reassure him that it hasn't, and won't, change anything - that he still considers Keith his son in every way that counts.

I hope everything works out for everyone!

[Pakey]

This happened in my husband's family. When my husband was 40, the big secret that his 30 year old brother had a different father (the parents are still married) came out.

30 year old brother in law and father in law were closest out of all siblings. I thought he'd be devastated by the news but he took it in stride. They are still very close, in fact, brother in law bought house next door to his mom and "dad".

[pilesoflaundry]

Because Keith's biofather is now dead I think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. Your mom is very selfish by the sounds of it and the only person that would gain from this is her to have it off her chest.

I think it would really upset Keith, not only that he didn't know for all these years but she didn't tell him until it was too late for either of them to know. Do you think Friend knew Keith was his son but let it be? Because if he knew and didn't say anything I wonder if he didn't want his family to know either.

I hope it all works out if she does tell him. What a secret to have to keep inside!

[wdwfan16]

So who is Joe's father? Are you all by a different dads?


If it was know at the time that Keith was not your Dad's son, his siblings all know and the other family seems to suspect something, then this is not much of a secret. Personally I would sit Keith down and let him know that your Dad is his Father but this other man was the sperm donor.

He needs to know this too for medical reasons. What did the other man die from. What is something that Keith could get also?

You might be surprised that Keith already might suspect this, especially with your mother's infidelity.

[chell]

You father really is Keith's dad because he raised him, Friend A was just a sperm donor. Did Friend A have health issues that Keith would need to be aware of? That is really the only major concern I would have at this point, especially since you said Keith has had some stability issues lately. Telling him right now would depend on what these issues are and how deep they are. If he isn't mentally stable you are correct in wanting to wait.

No matter what I understand where you are coming from on your mother putting men before you. It is difficult to deal with and to heal from.

[Sleepingbooty]

If this were me, I'd have to tell. Your mother has already betrayed him by not telling him something he has a right to know. When he does find out, won't he feel that you and your brother betrayed him further by keeping this from him. Secrets are so hurtful. Good luck!

[MickeySP]

I know from personal experience - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!!!

I have a very very good friend, more like a brother than my own. He found out after his fathers death that the women he believed was his mother his whole life was not his bio mother. His bio died in childbirth. He found out through his sibling(well 1/2 siblings) He was crushed.

It is not your place, it sounds like you want to hurt your Mother by revealing this secret. Just be ready to crush your brother in the wake of making yourself feel better. Then be ready to feel like a monster yourself for the damage you leave behind, that is how his sister feels to this day and it has been 20 years.

Some secrets are best left in the closet. After all what difference does it make now - Friend A is dead - so he loses a re hero and gains WHAT?!??

[sunnyday123]

I'd be walking on pins and needles for the rest of my life, waiting for her to tell him out of anger or to relieve herself of the secret.


That's a tough call. My Uncle isn't my Grandfathers son, he was born before he and my Grandmother met. He adopted him, and to my Uncle he is his father, period. He didn't help conceive him, but he raised and loved him.

Maybe if your father told him it would soften the blow? And maybe using words other than, "I'm not your father" would help. I just think that's a ticking bomb waiting to go off, especially if you're not on the best of terms and tell her you don't want her to tell him, she may do it out of spite.


Good luck.

[AlleyKat]

Originally Posted by MickeySP

I know from personal experience - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!!!

I have a very very good friend, more like a brother than my own. He found out after his fathers death that the women he believed was his mother his whole life was not his bio mother. His bio died in childbirth. He found out through his sibling(well 1/2 siblings) He was crushed.

It is not your place, it sounds like you want to hurt your Mother by revealing this secret. Just be ready to crush your brother in the wake of making yourself feel better. Then be ready to feel like a monster yourself for the damage you leave behind, that is how his sister feels to this day and it has been 20 years.

Some secrets are best left in the closet. After all what difference does it make now - Friend A is dead - so he loses a re hero and gains WHAT?!??

It'll be like opening Pandora's box!

If anyone is to tell the "secret", it should be Keith's mother!