Christmas..........

[alisonbestford]

Firstly I know Christmas is months away so I'll apologise for this thread then I'll say sorry to Mandy for admitting I really don't enjoy Christmas.........Sorry Mandy

Problem is I need to get some ideas about making Christmas as stress free as possible this year - I'm not asking for anyone to pull a 'solution' out of a hat for me - rather throw some ideas at me that I can muse over for the next couple of months

As many of you know my husband died, following a long illness, in April 2008 and my Dad died in January of this year leaving Mum on her own

Anyway, long story short, I don't have a clue how we can all combine a good Christmas

My main priority has to be Eve (11) who wants to stay at home with her presents

I've been fortunate enough to spend every Christmas Eve and morning with my eldest two (25 and 22) from a previous marriage but then they go over to see their Dad and paternal Grandmother who will be visiting their Uncle.......Confused yet?
It gets better

My son lives with his Dad and my daughter is at Uni in Bristol - neither drive.
I'm hoping they'll be coming over this Christmas Eve but will be equally happy if they are off out enjoying themselves

Mum doesn't drive either and lives the other side of town from us so I'll have to collect her and drop her home unless she has a taxi.
My ex will collect the 'big kids' and sort their afternoon so that's no problem

My partner lives 30 miles away and will be spending Christmas morning with his grown up kids but then, most likely, will be over to us for Christmas Dinner

This is where I come unstuck!

Eve and I live in a small terrace so it'll be bursting at the seams with no escape for anyone if the going gets tough

Mum isn't an easy lady to get on with - my settee is too low, the light bulbs not bright enough, the dog too bouncy, the stairs too steep, my cooking never up to scratch and my new partner, apparently, not good enough
I'm 47 for goodness sake - how come she always makes me feel about 4 years old!!

At every opportunity she starts talking about what my Dad or my Nan would have been doing and this upsets Eve so soon after her own Dad's death........

The kids find her difficult to please and she's been so flipping rude to my partner when he's tried to help her...........

I've thought about going out for lunch but that would mean having to have exact numbers and I don't want to try to pin my eldest down as they have enough juggling to do of their own and will probably bow out gracefully.
Even if we did go out I can hardly just eat then take Mum home.......
I'd rather not go to Mums' as we sit looking at Dad's chair and she won't let Eve watch the TV or play her games......

I'll be working this year but figure I'll have a long weekend as the clinic will be closed for 4 days
I'd like to be able to enjoy a little bit of Christmas myself but, especially after writing that lot, I'm not sure how to even begin............

Anyway, feel free to throw some ideas in my direction and, hopefully, I'll figure something out

[aaronandterri]

could you maybe invite your mum for boxing day instead and just have a family christmas day?

[alisonbestford]

That's what we've always done in the past, when Dad was alive, but she'd be totally on her own this year..........

She's an 'only' child, as am I, her 'best friend' has bowel cancer and has her own family to be with....................She really doesn't have anyone else - I just wish we got along better

[wideeyes]

I don't really know what to suggest though I think the most important people to make happy for christmas are you and Evie. I understand you can't leave your mum out so I think the best thing there is just to let your mums negative comments go in through one ear and out the other and take no notice. I would also may try and time it that your mother is dropped of so you can have some time with your DD and partner in the evening.

[mandymouse]

Oh hun, I totally understand that Christmas isn't everyones favourite time of the year, so just ignore me when I get carried away like an excitable puppy

What a dilemma. I haven't got any advice for you, as I haven't been in this position. If it was me, I would probably have a nice big Christmas breakfast with your mum, then have dinner later in the day with your partner and Eve

Try not to worry about everyone else, and try to have the Christmas Day that you want

[alisonbestford]

Thanks all

I've just walked the dog and been mulling things over on the way

I'd more or less come to the same conclusion as you Mandy and decided that Ned, Eve and I 'celebrate' Christmas Day later when Mum and the 'big kids' have left or have a second Christmas Day on Boxing Day for the three of us

I'd prefer not take the second option as my partner spent last Christmas Day afternoon on his own as I couldn't work out how to juggle everyone......
I'd rather we didn't compromise in this way again

I posted on another 'Mum's' forum and was offered some good advice there too I've never been very good at standing up to Mum but I'm going to talk to her about what 'behaving herself' and watching what she says......... They also suggested having a toast to 'absent folk' at the beginning of the day and attempting to leave it at that

Any more ideas?
Keep them coming - it's great. Thank you

[natalielongstaff]

I hope you manage to strike the right balance Alison, christmas is such a stressful time of year i think

[Dimplenose]

Don't forget yourself in all this planning and whatever happens don't feel guilty if someone doesn't enjoy themselves or grumbles about Christmas. You can only spread yourself so far in such a short time. As long as you and Eve get a good day then I think you will have had a successful Christmas.

[alisonbestford]

Originally Posted by Dimplenose

Don't forget yourself in all this planning ....

I know Libby but this, sadly for me, is exactly what I do tend to do and why I find Christmas so stressful.......

I put my foot down last year and we didn't see Mum and Dad til the day after Boxing Day - Dad died in January and Mum repeatedly tells me how Dad said what a miserable Christmas it was..........

I guess I just get to the point where I want it all over and done with so we can just get on with 'regular' stuff.....How 'Humbug' is that?

[Dimplenose]

Originally Posted by alisonbestford

I know Libby but this, sadly for me, is exactly what I do tend to do and why I find Christmas so stressful.......

I put my foot down last year and we didn't see Mum and Dad til the day after Boxing Day - Dad died in January and Mum repeatedly tells me how Dad said what a miserable Christmas it was..........

I guess I just get to the point where I want it all over and done with so we can just get on with 'regular' stuff.....How 'Humbug' is that?

It's not humbug at all. I've had problems keeping family happy over the years and now just think "Blow them!" We're not close enough to easily visit/pop in and have spent most of the holiday in past years on motorways. So we just batton down the hatches and keep everyone else out for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

I still get pangs of guilt and try and see everyone at sometime during December - but with DDs birthday also in December it can be a military style operation!

[alisonbestford]

It's Eve's birthday in December so I know where you're coming from

I've tried to talk to Mum about her moving closer to us but she just says she doesn't like 'this side of town' and it's all my fault for moving 'so far away' (about 6 miles ) when I got married..........Perversely she's now looking at retirement flats even further away.........

I wouldn't mind but she expects me spend a whole day to take her food shopping when she could easily pay for a taxi - let's just say her savings leave her exempt from any pension 'top ups' ..........

I think I might just..... ..... .....and

[alisonbestford]

Or, even better,........ ......................... .

[florida sun]

Alison, whilst our circumstances are different, I know exactly where you are coming from, Im afriad Im a real bah humbug when it comes to Christmas, and I can not wait until its been gone, and past, Boxing day is my favorite day of the year, as I know its gone. For years because I had divorced parents, Christmas had to be split, sometime with mum and sometime with Dad, which I always found really difficult, as both wanted a share of me, and I always felt guilty leaving the other one out.

When I got married I then had to include my husbands parents in that, and trying to divide myself into three was stressful to say the least.I found out my husband was having an affair one year 3 days before Christmas Day and he left me on New Years day, so it also carrys painful memories of that as well.

Unfortuntaly my daughter now has to go through what I used to go through at Christmas and trys to please us both by seeing us both, but it always means I spend Christmas Afternoon and evening alone, as I see her Christmas morning, I do have family, and to be honest its my choice as to stay alone, as I find Christmas depressing for me and Im not good company, however as mum lives alone, I still have to pick her up Christmas morning, take her to my sisters, and then pick her back up Christmas afternoon and take her home, so Im pretty much a taxi firm on the day, but I guess thats my choice.

Whilst I appriciate its a fun and jolly time for others and would never ever ruin anyones enjoyment of the festive season, for me, it just brings stress and misery. I enjoy the Christmas partys, and the good tv though lol

I do hope you manage to find a way to work things out so that you can have a great time without too much stress and worry and as others have said, although its very hard, try and find some time for yourself to do what you want to do with your daughter and partner. Hugs to you

[PoppyAnna]

Alison, I just don't know what to say. I think your attitude to your older "children" is a credit to you, at least you're not putting yourself through hell by trying to fit them in too much too. It's one thing to say "make sure you do what you want" but it's never that simple is it. I understand the pressure of being an only child to a Mother that is hard to live with that has lost her partner and has no other family. That is my position too. I find it hard to keep my Mum happy at christmas as well as have the family christmas that I want. Everybody looks to you to make the arrangments and you want to please everybody which, at the end of the day is not possible. I agree that Eve has to be your priority, I'm not one for the children being in control but has she said what she would prefer, or is it too early/upsetting to bring up the subject?

My parents divorced when I was about three and like Sue I spent christmas day with Mum and Boxing day with Dad. Fantastic stepdad came along but that yearly tradition continued. Dad died when I was sixteen and then fantastic stepdad died five years ago. I also lost my maternal granparents in that time so as we are both only children it's just Mum and Me left. Four years ago Mum (who doesn't drive) decided to move 60 miles away. I now have to please everybody at christmas as well as my in-laws (I'm lucky they are great and have other g-children to keep them busy). I haven't yet spent a family christmas with just Richard and the girls, and it's unlikely I ever will. It's hard for DH as when Mum stays he can never fully relax, she can be very negative, and expects to be waited on hand and foot and as if I haven't got enough to do, I have to get the girls presents from her as she "doesn't know what to get" Forget that grandparent offer to babysit etc, I end up with one more child!
I have said to DH that we will have to go away one year just to get away from it all

[joolz1910]

It seems that the only spanner in the works is your mum (sorry, I don't mean to sound rude) and everyone else appears to be ok. She has the potential to upset 5 people - including you - and make Christmas a stressful time. Your older kids seem to be sorted, your partner is coming over later on and your DD needs a nice Christmas I think it might be time to lay down the law Either she tries to make an effort (for your DD's benefit, if nobody else's) or she stays at home.

We went to my mums every year and she hated Christmas, decorations etc. It was a bloody ordeal to have to endure it. In the end, I decided that I'd had enough and that I wanted my kids to have some nice family Christmas memories. We now stay at home and visit her on Boxing Day. Tbh, I think she was quite relieved.