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Old 09-23-2009, 08:17 AM   #31
teskak
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I am so very sorry to say you have come to the right thread. When a loved one has a serious illness there seems to be no end of people who just want to drain your energy with this need to "know", "comment" or just downright interfere. Whatever your relationship with your in-laws, just gets magnified due to the stress.

You are spending all of your energy supporting your loved one, and they just come up with mindless rubbish. What I did when my mother was dying & I could not deal with the rubbish from her friends over who was told what, when and who gets to visit etc - I appointed the most 'together' of her & Dad's friends as the contact person - if anybody wanted to know anything they could go to that person. AND NOT STRESS ME OR DAD.

Also, if you have a friend who you can yell, scream, cry at - preferably somebody who has walked a cancer journey to, then you need them, if only to draw from thier energy to get you through your journey.

The Dis is also good for that as well
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:25 AM   #32
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Try not to pay attention to the questions. You know what is important to the both of you. Sending hugs and prayers to both of you.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:42 AM   #33
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Feel free to vent HECK EVEN USE CAPS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!!!!
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:30 AM   #34
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Try not to pay attention to the questions. You know what is important to the both of you. Sending hugs and prayers to both of you.
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Old 09-23-2009, 11:57 AM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchsMommy View Post
Feel free to vent HECK EVEN USE CAPS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!!!!
Come here and let it all out. You can yell and scream all you want.
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:04 PM   #36
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My heart just breaks hearing your story. We were faced with this news back in April, but sadly she lost the battle in June after being told she had about 2 yrs, sadly it was 2 mths. We were hit w/ confusion--anger--everything under the sun that you can imagine. And still to do this day --every day.

All I can tell you is---grasp every single day to the fullest. Talk, laugh--take a TON of pictures while he's awake, laughing, sleeping, etc--record his voice, his laugh, hold each other and don't hold anything back--talk about it! Don't put anything off for tomorrow.

I'll be praying for your dh and your family, if you need anyone to talk to, vent at--don't hestitate to hop on here and use us as your sounding board. Words alone can not express what I want to tell you, but I'll be here supporting you and praying for you guys!
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:38 PM   #37
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OP, I know you are hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. and are learning to deal with your emotions and this diagnosis as you go. I know your in-laws are making matters worse for you, but they're fighting this battle with you. It's their son. I'm sure they're still at the stage where acceptance of the diagnosis has yet to sink in. They probably truly believe that if your husband just eats enough, or sees the right people, or tries some new thing, that it will make this all go away. It must be hard as a parent (and also as a spouse) to feel as if you can't proactively do something to change your circumstances. I'm not in any way trying to negate your feelings; you're entitled to them. Rather, I'm just trying to offer an alternative view -- that of a parent whose son has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don't honestly believe they are insinuating that you aren't doing all you can for their son (or he for himself), I think they're just grasping at any straws they can. You're all on the same journey, just some of you will cross the finish line ahead of others.

I honestly, truly hope I have not offended you or added to your anger and unhappiness. I pray for you and your family daily and will continue to do so.

Forgot the point of all of this: I know you're here to vent, which is a great thing, and I also know that you are reaching out for support, which you will find. I didn't in any way mean to insinuate that you have been anything other than understanding or loving toward your husband's family. I just thought I'd plant the little seed of another perspective.
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Last edited by PrincessKsMom; 09-23-2009 at 01:40 PM. Reason: Forgot my point
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:11 PM   #38
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Still just thinking of you all. Don't know what else to say really. Can't comfort you, but am there for you. Lost my own DH to bowel cancer so feel free to pm me at anytime at all if it would help in any way.
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Old 09-23-2009, 04:55 PM   #39
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First of all I want to offer my support. Your thread caught my eye and I had to respond.
I lost my father just last year to Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. His doctor thought he had an ulcer. He was admitted to the hospital soon after and told it had already spread to his lungs. He passed away 1 month later. I am still in shock.
I will be praying for you. Please take comfort in the fact that many people on here are praying for you. Be strong and hang in there. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:05 AM   #40
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Painting a clearer picture...

Hi again everyone. Just wanted to add a little background info here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessKsMom View Post
I know your in-laws are making matters worse for you, but they're fighting this battle with you. It's their son. I'm sure they're still at the stage where acceptance of the diagnosis has yet to sink in. They probably truly believe that if your husband just eats enough, or sees the right people, or tries some new thing, that it will make this all go away.
Yes, of course I know this... but I am not emotionally capable of being objective about things at the moment! I think that it is probably hard for me because for years now we have had very little to do with Miles' family (no big fall out or anything, they just aren't close) and now I feel like I have to justify everything we do. It's so hard... and Miles gets so frustrated about it and I feel like I am letting him down by not being able to get them to understand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessKsMom View Post
I don't honestly believe they are insinuating that you aren't doing all you can for their son (or he for himself), I think they're just grasping at any straws they can.
Actually, they have insinuated just that - my MIL has even gone as far as saying such things as 'well the rest of the family is OK so it can't be something he picked up from his childhood', 'maybe if you spent more time making food from scratch', 'it's probably something to do with all your exotic foreign holidays' and 'maybe if you hadn't spent so much money going off on holiday you'd be able to afford private treatment'. Yet I managed to keep my temper through all of that...

And this is why I come to visit you all on this thread to vent! Thank you all for giving me someplace safe to go to...
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:27 AM   #41
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When your MIL starts just tell her that "you dont have time to deal with all that and it's not going to change anything", then either walk away or if you are on the phone say you need to hang up and do it.

Don't let your in-laws get to you and don;t blame yourself for your DH's illness. It NOT your fault! Be happy that you DID take those vacations and made special memories together.
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:35 AM   #42
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OP I'm so sorry. I guess I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I genuinely didn't mean to cause you any further pain or discomfort. I hope you will continue to come to the DIS for solace and guidance.
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Old 09-24-2009, 11:23 AM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessKsMom View Post
OP I'm so sorry. I guess I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I genuinely didn't mean to cause you any further pain or discomfort. I hope you will continue to come to the DIS for solace and guidance.
Please don't feel bad - you didn't cause me any pain... I suppose it just got me thinking about why I find it hard sometimes... And I certainly intend on continuing to come here, you guys have been great!
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Old 09-24-2009, 05:34 PM   #44
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Old 09-24-2009, 08:09 PM   #45
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Then I would be blunt - your husband is your #1 priority, your daughter is #2 and staying sane yourself is #3.

Everything else does not count. You are not here to be nice, caring, polite or compassionate if it does not advance priorities 1 - 3. If they are trying these sorts of back handed slaps about how they could notihave "caused" the cancer then, I agree to put the phone down.

You are the supporter, gate keeper & champion for your husband, if they have annoyed you, then they do not get to see thier son. I think it would take one night for the mother to realise what she has done and because of her need to see her son, she will play nice.

Similar for your daughter, if they want to have a relationship with her - behave. Things said now will be remembered later.

Rather contraversial but you do not have the time or energy to deal with somebody else's problems. If they are too slow getting to an understanding then send them to some of the websites or refer them to a counsellor. They are not your priority and are just draining your family's energy.
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