How much more can our family take?

[Tiger926]

Haven't been on the DIS in well over a week, despite coming on every day. We have been dealing with a major family emergency as my dad has been admitted to the psychiatric ward.

For the past 2 years, we have had lots of heartaches to deal with.

DH and I had a miscarriage, but were blessed by God with our beautiful boy, and ever since his baptism at 4 months (he just turned 2), my grandmother has been in hospital/nursing home with various illnesses, 2 days after that, my aunt (only in her 40s) was diagnosed with cancer. Ever since then, life has been very hard for my dad, as he spends most of the days by my grandmother's bedside (this is a major bone of contention between he and my mom). My grandpa just died in July, 2 days before our Disney trip, so my parents have also been dealing with selling his properties here and in Florida, as well as estate issues. Life has been very busy for them, as dad owns several businesses, and mom works for the government. They are still young, at only 59 and 61, but very active and busy.

I have a younger sis, who is married and my BIL is in business with my dad. My nieces and sis have emotional/mood disorders (medication and such) - there is a strong family history on both sides of our family of mental illnesses. My dad has struggled with anxiety, depression and anger his whole life, but never handled it as he doesn't believe in psychiatry, drugs, etc. He constantly worries about my sis and nieces, as well as money, etc. My parents are well off (no mortgage for the last 30 years), but due to bad business dealings in the past couple of years, and losing money in the stock market, my parent's portfolio, although still pretty strong, has taken a hit, so dad is not happy about that. Nothing is never enough for him, as he is always searching for more...

Over the past month, they were working on a big construction job, that my dad believes he has totally ruined. This caused him to have a mental break, as he was already worn down from so many family and obligations. Sis and I took him to doc's last week, and within minutes the ambulance came, and he has been in hospital ever since. Our lives have been seriously disrupted and this is hard as DH and I are very good parents who put our kids first with schedules, bedtimes, etc. I have been running between work and the hospital, and I so tired...

My problem is with how others are handling this. I am a Special Education teacher, so I have lots of experience with kids with mental illnesses, drugs, mood issues, etc., but my mom is in denial, and always has been has she had an abusive childhood. My aunt and uncle whom I have had very explicit conversations with about what to say and not to say, are not abiding with it either. Even my sis, who is a trained clinical therapist, is struggling at times with agitating dad. I, and my hubby are the only ones who are not agitation him, and who actually seem to understand the severity of the situation. I am extremely rational and reasonable, and have never struggled with any mood or emotional issues, so I am doing very well with handling my dad. Problem is I work full time, have 2 young children and a busy hubby. My sis, BIL and nieces are on their way to WDW, for a vacation that has been planned for a long while now. At the risk of causing my nieces serious anxiety episodes, we all decided it was best for them to go.

The problem is that now I'm in charge of my dad's care, with my mom. She just called to say that dad can come home for a weekend pass. I don't think this is a good idea at all - dad hasn't said he wants to, but mom seems to be pushing. She said the hospital said he needs to, but I highly doubt this as I got a different feeling from the doc the other day. Dad is complying with meds (this is huge) and knows he needs to stay, so not sure about coming home... We are running out of excuses to give my grandmother about where her son is and so this is also causing dad anxiety.

I'm so confused as to what to do. My parents have a huge house, which is messy and sloppy as that is how dad has always been, so I now have to figure out how to clean it up without much help. DH and I are always alone as his family is a disaster as well, so we don't have babysitters, so kids would have to come with us. We are sheltering DD from this, as she is very smart - she is still upset about my grandpa's passing last month, so we have told her that grandpa is getting tests in hospital. Kids saw him last night for a 30 mins pass to the hospital garden, but he was pretty out of it...

Anyone else in the same situation? What do you do about the family? I am very religious and spiritual, so this is really helping me. I also am not surprised (as other family members are, not sure why?) as I have been saying since I was a little girl, that my dad was off. It was very difficult having him for a dad as he is extremely paranoid, phobic and depressed. We couldn't do anything as kids for fear of death, illness or being hurt. Very hard...

I know that I need to do what is best for dad, and now that my sis is gone, I have to really hold down the fort, as it was very hard for her to leave (she herself had to take extra medication), so I can't have anything happen on my watch, but my mom is a difficult person. She is guarded, sarcastic, repressive and in denial, and none of these characterisitics are good for dad. She is fighting me at times with what to say to dad, and I almost had to kick her out of his room yesterday as she was being so nasty. She herself also needs counselling, but that's another post all in itself.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would love to hear them, or, if anyone can spare any extra prayers for our family, I would forever be grateful.

Thanks for reading such a long post, Tiger

[look1angel]

WOW You certainly have your job cut out for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

It will be your faith that will carry you through these difficult times. The love & support of your family & close friends who understand.

We've all been through difficult times some more than others & we get through it & so will you

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

(Philippians 4:13)

I will send Angels to you to help lift you up

Peace be with you & your family

[Tiger926]

Originally Posted by look1angel

WOW You certainly have your job cut out for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

It will be your faith that will carry you through these difficult times. The love & support of your family & close friends who understand.

We've all been through difficult times some more than others & we get through it & so will you

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

(Philippians 4:13)

I will send Angels to you to help lift you up

Peace be with you & your family

Thank you so much. This means a lot as we don't really have a lot of friends. Our 2 best friends are struggling with parent issues as well (cancer and other illnesses) so they are praying for us, but we can't rely on them as they are very busy themselves. My colleagues at work have been great - many of them have been in similar situations with family members too. Lots of prayers and they are helping me at school as I am very busy and have lots of responsibilities as I'm a senior staff member.

It's hard to be dealing with such huge issues when you are in your 30s with a young family and all of the responsibilities that comes with that.

I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so this is helping me too. Thank you for your kind words, Tiger

[California Jenn]

I don't have any advice for you, but I am sending hugs and well wishes your way.

[peekinglemer]

The number one thing that you need to do right now is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have a lot on your shoulders and it sounds like you are your family's rock. It is a lot of stress being a care giver and making decisions that will impact so many. Know that you are only one person and you are only human. Do what you can and what you believe is best and leave the rest in God's hands. Make time for yourself and your own family and step away when it gets too much. This will only make you stronger. You family is so very lucky to have you and in return you are lucky to have them too. Everyone in the family takes on different roles, and these roles will change as the years pass. Cherish even the hard times and treat everyday as a gift.

And remember, writing is good therepy. If you ever just need an ear consider mine open.

[Tiger926]

Originally Posted by peekinglemer

The number one thing that you need to do right now is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have a lot on your shoulders and it sounds like you are your family's rock. It is a lot of stress being a care giver and making decisions that will impact so many. Know that you are only one person and you are only human. Do what you can and what you believe is best and leave the rest in God's hands. Make time for yourself and your own family and step away when it gets too much. This will only make you stronger. You family is so very lucky to have you and in return you are lucky to have them too. Everyone in the family takes on different roles, and these roles will change as the years pass. Cherish even the hard times and treat everyday as a gift.

And remember, writing is good therepy. If you ever just need an ear consider mine open.

What a nice post - this really made me feel good. I am the family rock, but for much of my life, they haven't really respected that, and always made me feel different because I'm very opposite of them with most characteristics. Between my sis and dad, their time and attention went elsewhere much of the time. Thanks for your kinds words.

You are right, that writing is therapy. I'm a Special Education English teacher, and so writing is very therapeutic for me. Thanks for your wonderful listening ears.

Tiger

[tlh0726]

and prayers


I would talk with his doctor and the facility to see what can be done if your father becomes agitated during a visit. Basically can the nurses or person in charge make the visitor leave?

I would also find out if the doctor approves of this weekend pass home? What happens if he does not want to return to the facility?

Hang in there. Take care of yourself.

[Scrapfriend]

I have no wisdom to offer you, but said a prayer for you and your family. Mental Illness is so difficult to deal with, much more so than a physical illness. We have experience in our family with a parent who will not acknowledge needing help, so no medication for her that would help her live a more normal life and have healthy relationships. And family dynamics just seem to complicate an already complicated situation! You are not alone in your experiences unfortunately, but fortunately God is with us every day and look to him for comfort and direction. Take care of yourself and your family, make sure to not deplete your own reserves as hard as that can be!

[kacaju]

((Hugs)) my dad got sick in Sept of 2003. He was in a medical induced coma in ICU. Within a few days I realized my Mom was not able to cope well with all of this. I became my Dad's advocate. I have 3 younger brothers and yet all the burden fell on me. In Oct my Dad went to a nursing home for rehab. Again, my mom could not cope and me (with 3 young kids) had to be ther efor him. My Dad could not talk, yet he could write. One of the crappy things that happened to him was he tried calling for the nurse, she never came to him. He wrote down the times he buzzed her. When i confronted her the answer I got was older people lose track of time, they buzz us (the nurses) and then they feel we took long to get to them.
I was pissed, my Dad was not an old person, he was 63 and was recovering from a horrible illness!!
I realized right then that someone needed to be there for my Dad. I basically stopped my life to care for my Dad.
I was able to get the help of friends to help me BIG TIME when it came to getting the kids to school. My pre schooler, I swear, I missed out so much of her year (the drop off, pick up)
If your children are in school, I would ask any of their friends to help you out. I pawned my kid off on so many people. Once people realized what we were going through, everyone was more then happy to take a turn watching my pre schooler so I could be at the hospital. When he was in a nursing home I took her with me.
I was always home by the time the older two got off the bus, yet I did have back up if needed.
So getting back to Dad, that nursing home was awful. He landed back in the hospital sicker then the first time. The hospital sent him to another hospital which had a vent weaning program. I was asked by that Dr why my Dad was there, he would never be weaned from the vent.
They moved him to another nursing home, he bounced back and forth between that home and a different hospital for a few months. Then that nursing home shut down there Vent *ward* (Dad was their only patient) I found a WONDERFUL nursing home near me that was able to take him. This with the fighting with one brother who wanted him moved to PA (we are in NJ) Dad got moved in May 2004 to the home near me and stayed there (with a few trips to the hospital) until he passed away in Dec. He passed about a week after my DH had open heart surgery!!

I honestly spent all that time putting my Dad first in my family. DH was not the best at picking up the slack at home, but we managed.

It was an awful lot to go through, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

[Echo queen]

Just a prayer.

[cogero]

oh many prayers being sent your way. Make sure to talk to the dr and social worker at the hospital and explain the situation they will definately back you up with your mom if need be and it isn't in his best interest.

Just remember you have a DH and kids who need you and you need to take care of yourself other wise you are no good to anyone.

Also ask your grandma's doctor the best way to explain your Dad's absence to her.

Good luck

[Schmeck]

Second thing to do is to stop lying to your daughter and grandmother. Both of them are smart enough to feel that something is going on. Hiding the truth isn't going to help anyone deal with your father's illness. You seem to feel ashamed of him - he is ill, he's getting help, and there's nothing to be ashamed about.

If your parents are rather well off, maybe you could hire some help for when he comes home for the weekend, and to help clean up the house.

[Karenj2]

First of all . That is an awful lot going on. What others have said is important, though - in order for you to be such a rock for your family, you need to be able to be strengthened in other ways.

When my DH was struggling with depression (he was suicidal for a short time, and had a long recovery, but he didn't want family to know for quite some time, so I was his only support), the only thing that kept me going was to have an hour away from him with my good friends. We'd walk, talk and pray the whole time - not JUST about me and my problems, but what was going on with them too.

Lean on your hubby, ask for help wherever you can, and try to pick your battles with the other members of your family.

You can always vent here!

[Tiger926]

Originally Posted by Schmeck

Second thing to do is to stop lying to your daughter and grandmother. Both of them are smart enough to feel that something is going on. Hiding the truth isn't going to help anyone deal with your father's illness. You seem to feel ashamed of him - he is ill, he's getting help, and there's nothing to be ashamed about.

If your parents are rather well off, maybe you could hire some help for when he comes home for the weekend, and to help clean up the house.

Ummm...did you read my post? My grandmother is 90 years old, and almost had a stroke when my baby was in hospital last year. We can't tell her that dad is in the hospital at all, period. We have told her that he has contracted the flu, but she is starting to get anxious. She will get more anxious if she finds out he is in the hospital, of this, I am positive.

My DD has just been to her first funeral - my grandfather last month. It is the same hospital, so when I was dropped off the other day (kids can't visit), she recognized it, and wondered if grandpa was going to die like great-grandpa had. Again, this has nothing to do with mental illness - I wouldn't tell her if he had a heart attack either as that is unncessary worry in a little girl who has been surrounded by much illness of very close family members. I have to modify and adjust what I tell her, and all of the experts who I have consulted firmly agree with this.

I don't want to hire anyone to clean the house as it's all paperwork - it's all the work related stuff that drove him to the hospital, so it needs to be packed up. I need to consult the doctor/nurses as I know he needs to have it gone, but this might actually agitate him as well.

I'm not sure where you got that I'm ashamed of my dad's illness - that is the farthest thing from the truth there is. I am not ashamed of anyone with mental illness - I already said that I have other family members and many students who have mental illness. Not sure how you got this from my post...quite perplexing actually.

Tiger

[Tiger926]

Originally Posted by cogero

oh many prayers being sent your way. Make sure to talk to the dr and social worker at the hospital and explain the situation they will definately back you up with your mom if need be and it isn't in his best interest.

Just remember you have a DH and kids who need you and you need to take care of yourself other wise you are no good to anyone.

Also ask your grandma's doctor the best way to explain your Dad's absence to her.

Good luck

Thanks for the suggestions - we have already attempted to discuss with the social worker (my sis is a clinical social worker) and they said they were very busy as it was a long weekend, and they might get in to see my dad soon. We then asked about us, and they said they don't really do that. Our health care system in Canada is definitely broken...

My grandmother's doctor is the doc for the entire nursing home - it's very hard to reach him, so that is not an option. We are concerned as she is fragile with her emotions when it comes to my dad and the babies (her grandkids and great grandkids). She almost had a heart attack when my baby went into the hospital for the 1st time - our baby was very ill last year (he is much better now thanks to some surgeries and prayer) and we had to keep that from her for the most part.

My DH also struggles with his emotions - he gets depressed a lot too. He is very close to my father, and is struggling with this, but he is doing much better than I expected. I am proud of him! I forgot about that in my original post - now that I think about it, I seem to be surrounded by anxiety and depression on a daily basis between friends (both of my best friends struggle with anxiety), family and students. It's hard to watch so many people struggle with these illnesses...

Tiger