College son wants to devote a whole year to his band

[Tiggeroo]

One of my three college kids (ahh stress) is in a band. It has achieved moderate local success, they have a mgr. and are in the process of producing a cd. They can work as much as they want here and make better money then most bands. They have played slightly bigger venues like HOB. It is distracting him from focusing on school and I like the other parents have been torn or bothered by it. They have decided to rent a home together in Manayunk and spend a whole year focusing on their band. They want to get into a bigger city scene and also do some college shows. None of them have much money. They put a good deal of their earnings back into their band including renting a rehearsal space. I am stressing this a good deal. I could easily guilt him about this and possibly convince him not to go. But I also want him to either find success or realize they really tried their best and get it out of their system. They are all good local boys who are close to their families but I envision them getting into trouble.
They are paying for this on their own but I don't really see how. I guess a year of ramen, biking everywhere and no cable or meals out or new clothes would be good for him.
He's an adult and can really do what he chooses. But I want him preparing for being able to support himself. If it doesn't work he'll end up back here, going to school and living at home for a couple more years.

[BelleWDW]

One of my son's friends has a band-and a degree from a great University=-but the band won after graduation. Altho they play all over and are moderately successful-they really dont support themselves fully

[janette]

As long as you aren't funding the venture I'd say let him go for it; he's young and if he's going to have some bumps or even success he'll know he at least tried.

Not sure what to do for the stress; one of those times where your tongue might be sore from biting.

[Tiggeroo]

One of my son's friends has a band-and a degree from a great University=-but the band won after graduation. Altho they play all over and are moderately successful-they really dont support themselves full

He knows if he's not in school and wants to just do the band he has to support himself. I might treat him to a new pair of shoes or send over a food care package but I want him to see what it's like to do this on his own while he's young enough to do something else.

one of those times where your tongue might be sore from biting.

It already is and I'm not completely successful. I keep slipping in little momisms. And it's at least three months until they move.

[clh2]

From one perspective...you are only young once. If he is going to persue a dream at any time in his life...now is the time.

From the parently, financial perspective, if he is currently on your family health insurance plan - they may find that he no longer qualifies for your family plan. (My employer requires validation every semester of college that your child is actually enrolled...)

[Tiggeroo]

Health insurance is covered. NJ changed the law and children stay on your plan much longer and they no longer ask for verification of school. At least for now. He is paying me a small amount to cover the upgrade to a family plan though.

[clh2]

Originally Posted by Tiggeroo

Health insurance is covered. NJ changed the law and children stay on your plan much longer and they no longer ask for verification of school. At least for now. He is paying me a small amount to cover the upgrade to a family plan though.

That is GREAT!!! In that case - he might as well go live his dream!

(Parenting is so easy when those kids are not your own)

[Tiggeroo]

I'm a terrible what if parent. What if after a year they'r just a tiny bit more successful and unwilling to get back to school What if they do great and become drug addicts and alcoholics who get arrested or killed? What if they become famous, move far away and never come home? What if he becomes some loser who works in bands in bars for the rest of his live barely earning a living and living in a rooming house with children he can't support? On and on an on....

[clh2]

Originally Posted by Tiggeroo

I'm a terrible what if parent. What if after a year they'r just a tiny bit more successful and unwilling to get back to school What if they do great and become drug addicts and alcoholics who get arrested or killed? What if they become famous, move far away and never come home? What if he becomes some loser who works in bands in bars for the rest of his live barely earning a living and living in a rooming house with children he can't support? On and on an on....

All that stuff can happen at college too! Well maybe not the become famous and move away...but they may just graduate and then move far, far away.

I am following your thread with some personal interest, although the musician was a classically trained trumpet player. He REALLY wanted to pursue a music career when he graduated from high school REALLY, REALLY wanted to play. His parents were so stinking concerned that he wouldn't have a real job, so they convinced him to go to an engineering school. He dropped out before finishing his freshman year. He is now working at WalMart, and going to a tech school, for some formal computer training. This guy is really, really smart in addition to a fabulous trumpet player. When he was in high school, many college professors told him he should be trying out for Julliard. His parents just didn't support him. This is just a sad story where the parents didn't allow their son to pursue his musical dream.

[Tiggeroo]

That is a terrible story. Won't the parent tell him to come home get his stuff in order and get into juliard.

[disykat]

I think I would support his decision, but wouldn't fund it. I also wouldn't fund him coming right back home to do more schooling afterwards. I kind of figure once they've declared financial independence they should stay that way. If there were some sort of concrete plan, maybe. But no just sort of bouncing in and out of school and expecting to bounce back into his childhood room with me providing for him and paying tuition. I've told my kids that 4 years after high school I'll consider my financial responsibility done and, while they can always count on my emotional support, I'll be done paying tuition,etc.

I'm not looking forward to the next phase of parenthood - we're almost there.

[turkeymama]

Originally Posted by Tiggeroo

I'm a terrible what if parent. What if after a year they'r just a tiny bit more successful and unwilling to get back to school What if they do great and become drug addicts and alcoholics who get arrested or killed? What if they become famous, move far away and never come home? What if he becomes some loser who works in bands in bars for the rest of his live barely earning a living and living in a rooming house with children he can't support? On and on an on....

Oh my gosh, you've met my ex-boyfriend? Okay, seriously, minus the kids, this "what if" scenario played out which is why he is my ex. His poor parents tried like mad to get him on track. He plays in local bars, but his most recent band just broke up. So at the ripe old age of 35, he is still trying to put together a good band, still waiting on some big recognition.

I guess my point to the OP is this. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what you say or do, kids are going to do whatever they want. You just never know. At least he is trying to foot the bill for this on his own. I don't blame you for being stressed out about it.

[The Orchid]

I say let him give his dream a chance and fully support him emotionally and encourage him all the way. You seem like a level headed person and I truly believe you can trust your parenting skills enough to believe in your son. Despite what the media tells us, the majority of musicians do not end up on drugs, alcohol, arrested and impregnating women in every town! He'll be fine! Regret is such a fierce emotion...you don't want him to look back when he's 40 and wonder if he could have made it!

I do know how you feel, by the way. My daughter is also a musician. She is so good and so devoted that I would walk upside down to support her in her dream. But there have been times I've worried and wondered if I've made the right decisions because I have really allowed her to pursue music harder than academics. But I believe that we, as a society, put so much emphasis on academics that we sometimes forget that there is more out there for some people. In my daughter's case, she struggled academically from day one. Then she picked up her first instrument and shocked everybody at how fast she learned it. Today she is a senior and plays more than ten instruments and performs in six bands and orchestras, both on campus and off. There is no doubt in my mind that her gift is music and that is where her future lies.

There is always time for your son to go back to school. I know people who are 40 and older who are just starting out in college! But when he's 40, there will be no chance at all for him to live is dream. He's at that resilient age right now where he has energy, motivation and the willingness to do without the finer things in life as he works towards his goal. Apparently he has no problem doing without and this proves he is serious and means business! That is something to be very proud of. You have raised him well! Anytime I meet a young person who is determined to go after their goals, even if those goals are unconventional, the first thing I think about is the fine values they have learned at home.

[jlima]

Originally Posted by Tiggeroo

But I also want him to either find success or realize they really tried their best and get it out of their system.

It sounds like he has a chance to put himself in a situation where he can make a living doing what he loves. I would let him try. If it was my son, I would (but my son's a drummer ) Love the care package idea.

Being a working musician is such a special thing! DH has a friend from high school who lives in Orlando and works part time at Epcot plus at any give time performs in 2 - 3 symphony orchestras and also gets work at Universal and Seaworld and even other Disney parks plus corporate events. He was one of the drummers in the Tapestry of Nations parade back in 1999 - 2000. DS 15's middle school band director here in Las Vegas is the back-up drummer for the orchestra in a show on the strip. They are making a living doing what they love - what a gift.

Good luck with whatever you do! He will thank you, I promise.

[barkley]

all of my friends in highschool and college were performers-actors, dancers or musicians. i can only recall 2 whose parents supported (not financialy but emotionaly) their decision to take a year off college or out of the traditional workforce to pursue their dreams.

both had moderate success in that first year-they made enough to pay their bills with extra left over, but it was a very different experience for each.

one found that what he thought would be a FANTASTIC life of doing nothing but performing for a living lost all of it's joy when he could no longer pick and choose gigs based on his personal preferences. when it became a necessity for him to do ANY job offered to him to pay his bills it became just that 'A JOB'. at the end of the year he decided that while he would continue to do professional performing as a side job-he never wanted it to be his sole occupation. he went back to college and got his degree (actualy 2 degrees-he ended up majoring in theatre and buisness, he ended up working very successfully in the production end of things).

one found that he LOVED it-the constant travel, the different venues. he saw every gig no matter how loathsome (and he played some real dives) as a learning experience. his moderate success instilled in him a desire to improve his skills as a musician which he continues to do to this day. he has been a professional musician with some of the top bands in the world, and now with the demands of a wife and kids who prefer he spend more time at home divides his time touring part of the year and playing for the pit orchestra of broadway touring companies that come through san francisco the remainder of the year.

you say you want him to prepare to support himself. it sounds like he will be doing exactly that for the one year. even if it's not in the way you'de like to see him preparing, i suspect he will have a tremendous learning experience-he's going to have to learn about the buisness end of being a full time musician (travel, marketing, perctages, contracts...), personal and group budgeting (as in when your band mate flakes on paying his/her part of the rent and the rest of you have to make up the difference), group dynamics (as in "he's a great guy to be in a band with but a lousy guy to live with"), along with a lot of other skills.

if he's the type of guy that likes to write-suggest he keep even a brief journal of the experience. if he makes it big it can be the basis for his big bucks autobiography of "the early years", if he decides it's not the life for him and he goes back to college he might find it useful for a future class (my dh has returned to college for another degree, and is finding that more and more profs. are having students write on subjects in relation to their own real life experiences).