Aren't Family Trips Supposed to Be Fun? LONG

[JLTraveling]

I posted a few months back about some trouble I was having with my uncle and his girlfriend over an upcoming trip. That trip got postponed, and now that it's almost time again, the drama is heating up.

Cast of Characters:
Me - early 30s, freelance writer, doing okay but not exactly made of money
Dad - my father, 50-something and disabled, lives with me, good pension but not exactly rolling in dough
Cousin - late 20s, married with 2 kids, like a sister when we were kids, hasn't been to Disney in 15 years
Cousin's husband - late 20s, never been to Disney, only been outside of TN twice on day trips, never been on vacation
Uncle - cousin's father, dad's brother, 50-something, unemployment just ran out, turned down twice for disability, no income
Uncle's girlfriend - a real witch. She pays the bills for uncle, I'll give her that. But she's controlling, mean, abusive, paranoid...takes away his phone if he doesn't put every call on speakerphone, refers to herself as his wife, only lets him drive his car (which he paid for) when the other roommate in the house doesn't need/want it, rarely permits him to be out of her sight. We absolutely refuse to have anything to do with her since an incident a couple of months ago when uncle had a medical procedure, and girlfriend lied flat-out about his condition to cousin, refused to let her talk to him on the phone, and was in hysterics until cousin borrowed money from a relative to fly down...by the time she got here the procedure was over...anyway, a whole bunch of other drama ensued while cousin was down. Now we just don't deal with the woman.

Dad and I are bringing cousin and her husband down for a little over a week. We're paying for their flights, their tickets (Disney and Universal, plus Halloween Horror Nights), the condo (offsite villa for two weeks), their food, everything. They're with us from Sept 22-Oct 1. Then they're with uncle and the witch from Oct 1-Oct 5.

Uncle's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and he wanted to go to AK with the free birthday ticket (he'd never been, last visit to WDW was about 20 years ago). Dad and I offered to go with him since we know the ropes. After a bit of drama, the girlfriend allowed him to go with us. Knowing that cousin had never been to WDW with her father, and knowing that he has zero money to do anything fun with her during the days she's with him, Dad and I decided to upgrade uncle's free birthday ticket to a seasonal pass. We figured that way they could spend some time together at the parks.

More background...the witch has some in-home caregiver job (gee, that's healthy!) and is gone for 6 nights every other week. The condo sleeps six. Uncle would be alone most of the time cousin is here anyway.

So...uncle was almost crying, he was so appreciative of the seasonal pass. We were worried he would get "in trouble" for it, but he assured us everything was cool.

So we called him tonight to give him a final schedule for the upcoming trip, and invited him for certain days. We will pay for his meals on those days, and he can leave his car at the condo, so it'll cost him nothing. We also mentioned that, if he wants, he can spend any of the nights between at the condo with us.

Not five minutes later, the girlfriend called. She said that we got our (edited) wish, uncle was packing his stuff and would be leaving in the morning without his car or phone. He's our (edited) problem now.

After repeatedly calling uncle's phone and being hung up on, he finally called us. Told me in no uncertain terms that she is a big part of his life and I have to accept that. I told him that I do accept it, it's his choice. BUT, that doesn't translate to me being obligated to invite her along on our vacation. I told him calmly that Dad, cousin, her husband, and I are in agreement that we don't want the girlfriend along on this particular trip. If uncle chooses not to attend because he doesn't want to "slight" her, that's fine. We understand. But she's still not invited.

Girlfriend then took the phone and proceeded to curse me up one side and down the other. She repeatedly insisted that she is his "WIFE" and she WILL be involved in every single thing he does, and she will not "allow" me to prevent that. After a bit of back and forth I called her a not so Disney name and she hung up on me.

Then came the two-hour discussion with the cousin. She flatly doesn't want the girlfriend involved AT ALL. Her husband can't stand the woman, and he's never even met her. This is when it comes out that the girlfriend has been calling cousin DAILY, bold-faced lying to her about things that allegedly happened in our family when cousin was a child....really bad stuff like the end of life choices that were made during our grandmother's final illness! Keep in mind, this woman has been around for all of about six months now, and grandma died 17 years ago! So now I don't know if uncle has been lying to her and she's repeating it, or if she's making things up that she thinks sound good (bad?)

So now poor cousin's stuck in the middle. She just wants to come to FL and have a good time, and get away from the drama that she's been having at home. She wants to see us, and she wants to see her father. But this woman is absolutely dead-set on ruining everything for everyone.

What would you do????

[bumbershoot]

this woman has been around for all of about six months now

6 months and she's already created all of this???? That's pretty scary.


But there's nothing you guys CAN do. She has something that your uncle wants or needs, and he's made it clear that he wants her around. If you don't, and you're the ones inviting people...you invite HIM and if he can go, he goes, and if he can't, he can't.

It's a real bummer for his daughter, but....


He has NO income? Does he own anything? Good life insurance? A pension that's coming up?

An ex of mine had a stepmom...on the surface she was fabulous (so I hear) and so sweet...but the reality was...she was very very controlling of what her husband did, where he went, how he spent his days. And when she died suddenly, over the new few months, it came out that she was married to someone else (no one could figure out which marriage came first, so they never knew which was one the valid one), when he had a stroke she started taking his pension benefits and never told the pension people that he was recovering (they had some sort of benefit for when he was near death from the stroke, and it should have ended once he recovered), so she emptied his pension account, she wouldn't let him gamble (a previous enjoyment he had) b/c, it turns out, SHE was gambling and living a whole separate life at the local casinos...it went on and on. She pretended to be a MaryKay rep, but by the time I showed up the family was ready to clean out her stuff from his condo, and she had a closet stuffed with MK product, so it didn't seem she ever *sold* any, and it was probably just a way she explained the money she had.


Anyway, the girlfriend being so controlling, being gone for her job so often, etc etc, might just be who she is...but it could also mean she has another life going on...but if he truly has NOTHING, I can't see what there is in it for her.


I hope it all works out, but if he can't go, I hope everyone can have fun regardless.

[susykt4]

Ok, this is Cousin's husband's first vacation of his life?! It's awesome that you and your dad are doing this for your cousin's family. It stinks that Uncle is with Witch, but there's obviously nothing you can do about that. It stinks that the money you spent on Uncle's season ticket may be wasted. It stinks that Uncle is choosing Witch over Cousin (and his brother and you...)

However, Witch cannot be a part of this vacation. She will control it and destroy it. You have to uninvite Uncle and try not to feel guilty about it. Go and have a great time with Cousin's family. You and Dad need to get out of this drama asap and let Cousin deal directly with Uncle and hopefully her previously planned visit will go as planned.

What a bunch of crap!

[poppinsgal]

Oh gracious. Rise above it, dear.

[JLTraveling]

Originally Posted by bumbershoot

6 months and she's already created all of this???? That's pretty scary.


But there's nothing you guys CAN do. She has something that your uncle wants or needs, and he's made it clear that he wants her around. If you don't, and you're the ones inviting people...you invite HIM and if he can go, he goes, and if he can't, he can't.

It's a real bummer for his daughter, but....


He has NO income? Does he own anything? Good life insurance? A pension that's coming up?

An ex of mine had a stepmom...on the surface she was fabulous (so I hear) and so sweet...but the reality was...she was very very controlling of what her husband did, where he went, how he spent his days. And when she died suddenly, over the new few months, it came out that she was married to someone else (no one could figure out which marriage came first, so they never knew which was one the valid one), when he had a stroke she started taking his pension benefits and never told the pension people that he was recovering (they had some sort of benefit for when he was near death from the stroke, and it should have ended once he recovered), so she emptied his pension account, she wouldn't let him gamble (a previous enjoyment he had) b/c, it turns out, SHE was gambling and living a whole separate life at the local casinos...it went on and on. She pretended to be a MaryKay rep, but by the time I showed up the family was ready to clean out her stuff from his condo, and she had a closet stuffed with MK product, so it didn't seem she ever *sold* any, and it was probably just a way she explained the money she had.


Anyway, the girlfriend being so controlling, being gone for her job so often, etc etc, might just be who she is...but it could also mean she has another life going on...but if he truly has NOTHING, I can't see what there is in it for her.


I hope it all works out, but if he can't go, I hope everyone can have fun regardless.

Wow! I had never experienced anything close to this before. Your ex's stepmom sounds like she might have been even worse! It's good to hear from someone who knows this sort of situation can actually exist, because it seems so farfetched! I guess I'm naive.

I can't figure out what's in it for this woman either. Uncle has never been good at holding down a job. He's always been one of those people that lives on the margin, just barely getting by. He was all excited last time I saw him, because he had cashed in some old insurance policy--for the whopping sum of $600! It's the most money he's ever had at one time in his life. His car is at least 20 years old, and he bought it used about two years ago.

Part of what really makes me mad is that a year ago, Uncle seemed to be getting his life together. He rented a decent room from a nice grandmotherly type who encouraged him. He was holding down a job at a car rental place. His landlady was teaching him to budget, and he was starting to have a few dollars left each week (maybe 10 or 20). But that landlady's ex got out of jail, and didn't want uncle living there. So he had to move...and somehow ended up with the witch.

Since moving in there, he's lost the job, unemployment has run out, and he's applied and been turned down for disability twice. She keeps brainwashing him, telling him he's too sick to work, he shouldn't even be driving because of his meds...on and on. Well, no kidding he's been turned down for disability, his doctor doesn't think he needs it. He has a well-controlled thyroid condition, well-controlled diabetes, and a cardiac stent. BUT, I think he could qualify on a mental health basis--he has a past history of suicide attempt, has suffered from major depression for years...anyway, I'm rambling. But the point is, I honestly think she's keeping him "sick."

Argh, thanks for the sympathy. I just want the people in my family to have a good time. But if he won't go, he won't go. We all understand that, and it's fine. I just don't appreciate her dramatic phone calls at 11 pm!

[Mickeyfollowers]

Sry to hear about the drama your family is having with the witch. I would also say that if your Uncle can go without the witch that would be great. If not then I wouldn't stress over it and have a great time with your Dad, cousin and her husband. There is nothing like experiencing WDW through the eyes of a newbie. Also remember that WDW is the Happiest Place On Earth and there is only room for one Wicked Witch that live in DHS at The Great Movie Ride. Have a MAGICAL trip.

[laceemouse]

Jerry Seinfeld has a funny line "fun for the whole family isn't"

[kevschickee]

Oh jeeze yeah the witch needs to stay home. Your cousin just needs to go on the vacation and if her dad joins in awsome but if he doesn't she should still enjoy herself. Man I wish I knew you in real life so I could lay into this chick.

[JLTraveling]

I love my DIS family! I really appreciate all the support and well-wishes. I know you're all right, and the focus here needs be on creating a magical trip for myself, Dad, Cousin, and Cousin's hubby. I just feel so sad that there have been so few truly magical times between Cousin and her dad, but on those rare occasions, they've been really special. And for a long time, my dad and my uncle barely spoke, and now they finally really like each other and get along so well. I've poured so much time, money and energy into this trip, and everyone but the witch is thrilled with the plans. But she has loud enough lungs, a foul enough mouth, and painful enough attacks that she manages to ruin an entire group's mood for an entire day. And she's actively trying to poison both cousin and uncle against Dad and me. It's tough to swallow.

I really appreciate the support, and I pledge to have a magical vacation without the witch (and without uncle, if he chooses to bow out). Can't we all just get along?

[AmyBWV99]

Tons of empathy with you!

It's too much money and mental anguish to include her for the sake of getting your uncle there, if he decides that's the only way he can attend, and you will regret it till the end of time if you allow her to dump all over your trip. There's absolutely no good to come of it when it can't be discussed over the phone civily.

We've been there, done that with family for the sake of one person and it's so not worth it.

[JLTraveling]

Sigh...on further reflection, I finally realized why I am having so much trouble letting this go. Uncle has previously tried to commit suicide. He has a history of psychological instability, and as mentioned previously, he has NO resources. I also had an ex-boyfriend that committed suicide after we broke up.

When we got that first call from the girlfriend (from uncle's phone!), saying that she was kicking uncle out without his phone or his car, and she wouldn't let us talk to him, I really believed that it was true. And I really believed, knowing my uncle, that he would kill himself. I freaked out and had a panic attack, because I didn't know what to do.

Then when uncle finally called, he was mad at me! He didn't sound scared or worried about a place to live, he had me on speakerphone with her right there. And he was telling me off for a)not liking her and b)not inviting her on the vacation. Then he handed her the phone and she cursed me out for the same things.

I've come to realize that it was all a setup. She had no intention of kicking him out. She knew his history, and she knew I would be scared and worried about him. So she used that against me...okay, fine, she's crazy. But HE also used that against me. Uncle went right along with the whole thing. Because somehow making me scared for his life is going to make me like the witch.

At least I figured out why it's bugging me so badly. Now I can cry it out and get over it. Dad and I have talked it over and decided that, after that stunt, we no longer want anything to do with uncle as long as he's with the witch. Emotional blackmail is not cool.

Thanks again for all the support! I couldn't have gotten to this point without you all

[duffy]

Originally Posted by JLTraveling

I posted a few months back about some trouble I was having with my uncle and his girlfriend over an upcoming trip. That trip got postponed, and now that it's almost time again, the drama is heating up.


Dad and I are bringing cousin and her husband down for a little over a week. We're paying for their flights, their tickets (Disney and Universal, plus Halloween Horror Nights), the condo (offsite villa for two weeks), their food, everything. They're with us from Sept 22-Oct 1. Then they're with uncle and the witch from Oct 1-Oct 5.

....

Then came the two-hour discussion with the cousin. She flatly doesn't want the girlfriend involved AT ALL. Her husband can't stand the woman, and he's never even met her.

I don't get this part.

Why are the cousin and husband staying with "the witch" for 4 days, if they can't stand her, and don't want her involved?

[JLTraveling]

Originally Posted by duffy

I don't get this part.

Why are the cousin and husband staying with "the witch" for 4 days, if they can't stand her, and don't want her involved?

Answering that would require a novel, but the short version is: he's her father.

The parents split up when cousin was tiny, and she used to come down every summer so her mom could go play with her new boyfriends. Disclaimer: That was a long time ago, her mom's been happily remarried to a very good guy for a lot of years now, and they have a great relationship today. But back then, aunt wanted her summers to herself.

Every year, uncle would spend months promising her the world: I have a job now, I'm saving money, we're going to go do all this fun stuff. Every year when she got here it was the same old thing: I lost my job, they're screwing up my paycheck, one excuse after another. Meanwhile, our grandmother's health declined over the years (she was fighting cancer), and uncle moved in with her. He put cousin to work 24/7 taking care of her needs, while he did nothing.

Needless to say, they had almost no relationship for years after that. Then uncle made a good faith effort to rekindle their relationship. He got himself together, moved to TN to be closer to her, got a job, apartment, and car, and was doing pretty well. He apologized for a lot of things, and they gradually built trust.

But uncle's very emotionally needy/dependent, and he didn't have much support structure in TN. So he moved back to FL to be close to the people he knew. They've both really worked hard to keep up the relationship they forged, and cousin's very protective of that.

So...she's willing to deal with the witch in order to spend time with her father. I suppose it's easier for her, in a way, because it's only four days, then she goes back to TN. Whatever fallout happens, will happen when she's long gone home. But she doesn't want to deal with the witch during the Disney part of the trip, because she wants that to be her escape from reality. My parents took her to Disney on day trips each summer, and that was her escape from the realities of being a child taking care of a gravely ill elderly woman. So she wants peace and lack of drama in the trip. She wants to be a kid again. Can't blame her for that, and can't blame her for feeling like she can't come to FL and not spend time with her dad.

[spare+a_pair]

Oh LORD honey!

Just when I thought my family drama was getting bad - I find this....

Just have a great trip with your cousin and try to remember every family has ONE

[a1tinkfans]

Oh My!


Much to much DRAMA, something I avoid, especially on a vacation.
Just wishing you ALL well! Good Luck with your situation!!