Am I being selfish, immature or unreasonable? - The DIS Discussion Forums

jeepgirl30 · 08-07-2009, 01:45 PM

I am turning 40 this month. I've never cared about an age before but honestly this one is a bit annoying!

DH is not a romantic kind of person, at ALL. We have never celebrated my bday beyond going to dinner. Now we never have gone to a big dinner, he usually picks as we are heading there. I'll suggest tons of places but he will never commit to a time or place so ressies are hard.

We didn't take a honeymoon and don't celebrate anniversaries other than dinner, same as above!

For his 30th, I rented out a park and threw a big surprise party. he was thrilled. However normally his bday is celebrated at a football game, totally his choice. Or labor day picnics. He doesn't like having people over at our house, he doesn't like messes.

Anyway, I told him in Jan that I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I wanted to do a wine tour, vegas or something but this was a big one and I really wanted to celebrate.

So I've been reminding him. Every year we do a family vaca to the beach with college friends and their families. He knows I am not thrilled with the beach they pick, the accomodations or in general going there instead of Disney but I do it. He also goes on a boys trip every year with his college buds. He also has season tickets for football, i do not want to go to the games.

We have nothing planned. Now he is asking if I really expect something expensive for my birthday since we have done the beach already and have been doing upgrades to the house. The house projects are all his idea and honestly were NOT needed. He makes me feel like I am being selfish wanting to spend money on my own birthday.

I found packages to Vegas for cheap. My parents are begging us to let them have the kids a few days and this would be perfect.

Am I being selfish? Should a 40 year old even care about her birthday?

Handbag Lady · 08-07-2009, 01:50 PM

You are NOT being selfish, your husband is, however.

For my 40th, it hit me hard. Luckily, my husband (who is usually a bit like yours and likes low-key things) was warned a year in advance. I've never warned him on anything, so he KNEW. He just knew this was a deal-breaker and a difficult time for me.

So, he planned a weekend trip to Catalina for me and we traveled there by helicopter.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and all, just as I'm sure yours is too, but he just knew (from me being worried about turning 40) that something was needed.

So, take my advice. Sit him down and in no uncertain terms, let him know how you feel. This is your big moment to shine.

Disney Doll · 08-07-2009, 01:51 PM

So let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. to pick the restaurants
2. to not have to do anniversaries
3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. to pick his birthday celebration
5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. to go on a yearly boys trip
8. season tickets to football
9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so)

You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

Cool-Beans · 08-07-2009, 01:51 PM

There are no "should"s with feelings. You feel how you feel and that's that. If you want people to make a big fuss over you and give you what you want one day each year, that's how you feel. Nothing wrong there.

Actions and words are another matter. You should not demand that people make a big fuss over you and give you what you want. (And really, would you want it if you had to mope and fight to get it?) You can hint up a storm, though.

I'm turning 40 soon, too. I don't even want it acknowledged, lol. I want to skip over the moment without a word uttered. I may have to BE forty, but I don't need to mark the occasion or be reminded of it, lol.

I hope we both get what we want!!! (But I doubt it, lol.)

C.Ann · 08-07-2009, 01:52 PM

I don't think so.. It sounds like he pretty much gets what he wants - and gets to decide all other things.. Why shouldn't you have something a little special for your 40th birthday?

Nope - not selfish, immature, or unreasonable..

raysnkaysmom · 08-07-2009, 01:52 PM

Being with a guy who is like this as well, I feel your pain!! Sit him down and tell him YES...you DO want something big and special. You deserve it!!

raysnkaysmom · 08-07-2009, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Disney Doll

So let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. to pick the restaurants
2. to not have to do anniversaries
3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. to pick his birthday celebration
5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. to go on a yearly boys trip
8. season tickets to football
9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so)

You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

lmao

but..I know it probably doesn't seem that way to the OP, until she sees it laid out like THIS!! SOme things aren't worth arguing over, but this....your 40th, I'd say.. IS!

HM · 08-07-2009, 01:55 PM

I'm sorry your husband didn't get the hint.

My DH is getting worse and worse about these kind of things over time and it does hurt me a bit, that he doesn't make an effort. I think I'm just going to come out and tell him that I expect him to do something for me on special occasion. Part of it is that we had a large period of time when extras were not in the budget. I think he got used to not doing anything because of it.

Enough about me. Yes, you can feel sorry for yourself. But, I suggest that you tell you husband what your expectations are for special occasion dates from now on. Tell him that your 40th birthday is a big milestone and you want to do something (tell him about the Vegas trip and your mom's willingness to take the kids). and how much it would mean to you. You may have to do the planning.

Just don't beat around the bush....tell him.
Good luck with this.

Trish Bessette · 08-07-2009, 01:55 PM

Go with your girlfriends and leave him home

torinsmom · 08-07-2009, 01:56 PM

When is your birthday? How do you know he has not planned something to surprise you? My BIL took my sister out to a restaurant on her 40th birthday, but then a week later, he hosted a big bash for her. He had told her they were going somewhere else(I can't remember where) and then told her they needed to go by the church to pick up a book. We all parked on the other side of the church, not visible from the road. Boy was she surprised!

I am just saying that you may be jumping the gun. Maybe he is being very sneaky and you will be surprised!

Marsha

Pea-n-Me · 08-07-2009, 01:58 PM

(And usually we hear about controlling women.

)

No, jeepgirl, you are not being selfish. But maybe you should be a little more.

I hope you have some fun for your birthday.

Wishing on a star · 08-07-2009, 01:59 PM

Been there done that with a husband who does not care to show that you/your feelings/your birthday/ are any big priority.

He couldn't make a reservation to save his life...
He is the complete MASTER of excuses...
Really, there should be some kind of Academy type award.

Bottom line, he is just a male of the species who does not care.
His 'base' needs are met.
And, he simply sees no other needs.

Our 20th anniversary was earlier this year...
He planned NOTHING.
I decided that this was just plain WRONG.
A woman shouldn't have to 'force' her husband into spending a little quality time together. (And, no, that is NOT cracker barrel or maybe olive garden, with kid(s) in tow....

Basicly, you are NOT being immature/selfish/demanding.

A spouse should WANT to spend time with their significant other.

If you have to FORCE your husband into a weekend somewhere...
If time with you is not even worth that...
Then, really, what is that saying...
What does that mean?

If you are a SAHM then that is the ULTIMATE reason for him to honor your NEED to get out of the house and away from the kids for some personal and more upscale time with your husband.

If you are working and contributing to the finances.... Then spending a little cash is also NO excuse.

I can only say that it might be time to take off the rose colored glasses and step back... give your husband some rope.... Otherwise you will never know if he would hang himself.

I would NOT force this birthday.
Just as I did not 'force' our 20th anniversary.

Give your husband some rope... and then if he happens to take it and hang himself with excuses and inaction... Then, I would go from there.

I can say that I would not want to be with a husband if he ever used the words 'immature' 'demanding' etc... just because I wanted a special adult upscale dinner or weekend with my spouse.

I can give you more details about how I handled our recent situation, 20th anniversary, etc... by PM if you wish.
Too personal for a public board.
You can send me a PM and I will answer.

I hope you are able to work out some plans soon!!!

Buckalew11 · 08-07-2009, 01:59 PM

Since he can't read your mind and he asked...
Yes!! Be truthful!!

He needs a wake call before you finally say "enough is enough". You seem to be a good sport about a lot of things in your life and he can learn to be a good sport too.

DH and I did WDW for my 40th and I have no regrets about it. My b-day is 2/12 and we had just been to WDW in January for him to do the Goofy. Doing something special and fun on #40 eases the shock and pain of it being a big one. I enjoyed every second of turning 40yo while at WDW!!

Plan a special 40th b-day celebration if he is unable to do that for you. Don't let it go--it'll eat at you and you'll never forgive him for it. It obviously means something to you because you already told him you wanted it to be special. Make it special!!

Enjoy and Happy 40th!

ols386 · 08-07-2009, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disney doll

so let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. To pick the restaurants
2. To not have to do anniversaries
3. To not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. To pick his birthday celebration
5. To make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. To pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. To go on a yearly boys trip
8. Season tickets to football
9. To decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because he thinks so)

you know what...i'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

ita!

JessicaR · 08-07-2009, 02:00 PM

You are not being selfish. You put everything and everyone before yourself. This one thing apparently is important to you and you really need to make sure it happens. If he complains again ask a friend or a family member and go away for your 40th without him!!

I would not wait for him to make the plans, just do it, tell him where you're going, with or without him.

I hope your 40th is all you want it to be!

08-07-2009, 01:45 PM	#1
jeepgirl30 DIS Veteran Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Posts: 1,193	Am I being selfish, immature or unreasonable? I am turning 40 this month. I've never cared about an age before but honestly this one is a bit annoying! DH is not a romantic kind of person, at ALL. We have never celebrated my bday beyond going to dinner. Now we never have gone to a big dinner, he usually picks as we are heading there. I'll suggest tons of places but he will never commit to a time or place so ressies are hard. We didn't take a honeymoon and don't celebrate anniversaries other than dinner, same as above! For his 30th, I rented out a park and threw a big surprise party. he was thrilled. However normally his bday is celebrated at a football game, totally his choice. Or labor day picnics. He doesn't like having people over at our house, he doesn't like messes. Anyway, I told him in Jan that I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I wanted to do a wine tour, vegas or something but this was a big one and I really wanted to celebrate. So I've been reminding him. Every year we do a family vaca to the beach with college friends and their families. He knows I am not thrilled with the beach they pick, the accomodations or in general going there instead of Disney but I do it. He also goes on a boys trip every year with his college buds. He also has season tickets for football, i do not want to go to the games. We have nothing planned. Now he is asking if I really expect something expensive for my birthday since we have done the beach already and have been doing upgrades to the house. The house projects are all his idea and honestly were NOT needed. He makes me feel like I am being selfish wanting to spend money on my own birthday. I found packages to Vegas for cheap. My parents are begging us to let them have the kids a few days and this would be perfect. Am I being selfish? Should a 40 year old even care about her birthday? __________________

08-07-2009, 01:50 PM	#2
Handbag Lady Disneyland Bride 2000 If you can't say somethng nice, come sit next to me Has the wherewithall to save bakery goods from earthquakes Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Southern California and Flexico Posts: 4,891	You are NOT being selfish, your husband is, however. For my 40th, it hit me hard. Luckily, my husband (who is usually a bit like yours and likes low-key things) was warned a year in advance. I've never warned him on anything, so he KNEW. He just knew this was a deal-breaker and a difficult time for me. So, he planned a weekend trip to Catalina for me and we traveled there by helicopter. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and all, just as I'm sure yours is too, but he just knew (from me being worried about turning 40) that something was needed. So, take my advice. Sit him down and in no uncertain terms, let him know how you feel. This is your big moment to shine. __________________ WDW: Oct/Nov. 2008 CBR / Sept. 2007 CBR / Oct. 2006 AKL / August 2005 POR (hello Katrina!) / 1998 Off Campus at the Grosvenor (ENGAGED AT EPCOT ) DL: Twice a month for years / Multiple visits since birth / 1989 CM on Main Street / 2000 Disneyland Fairy Tale Wedding <---Thanks Grumpy Pirate!

08-07-2009, 01:51 PM	#3
Disney Doll DIS Security Matron Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Trumbull,CT,USA Posts: 22,336	So let me get this straight. Your husband gets: 1. to pick the restaurants 2. to not have to do anniversaries 3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon 4. to pick his birthday celebration 5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain 6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like 7. to go on a yearly boys trip 8. season tickets to football 9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so) You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap? __________________ Disney Doll Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child. Stop telling your God how big the storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is. It's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it! He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. ~~In loving memory of Teddy~~1994-2007~~

08-07-2009, 01:52 PM	#5
C.Ann We'll remember when... No time for green bananas When the going gets tough, she gets the Palmolive!! If I knew we were going to be graded here, I might try harder Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 28,920	I don't think so.. It sounds like he pretty much gets what he wants - and gets to decide all other things.. Why shouldn't you have something a little special for your 40th birthday? Nope - not selfish, immature, or unreasonable.. __________________ C.Ann ----------------- *"Scars remind us where we've been.. They don't have to dictate where we're going.."* "Life ain't always beautiful.....but it's a beautiful ride." "We won't be sad, we'll be glad for all the life we've had and we'll remember when...."

08-07-2009, 01:52 PM	#6
raysnkaysmom I don't think I'd mention I was in jail in an interview I just hope my 4000th post doesn't say something stupid Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: 8 hr drive from Orlando! Posts: 5,307	Being with a guy who is like this as well, I feel your pain!! Sit him down and tell him YES...you DO want something big and special. You deserve it!! __________________ Tracy (Mom to DD14, DD9, DS23months, DD-the baby in the ticker) 1st WDW trip - July 03 CSR&ASMu - April 04, Feb 05, Feb 06(added cruise), Oct06(grown girls trip), Aug 07 May 09 Big Family Vacation

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08-07-2009, 01:51 PM	#4
Cool-Beans Flippin' PINK Finally admitted it’s her flippin' cat I always had a thing for Agent Almeida Queen of the Crow Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 16,604	There are no "should"s with feelings. You feel how you feel and that's that. If you want people to make a big fuss over you and give you what you want one day each year, that's how you feel. Nothing wrong there. Actions and words are another matter. You should not demand that people make a big fuss over you and give you what you want. (And really, would you want it if you had to mope and fight to get it?) You can hint up a storm, though. I'm turning 40 soon, too. I don't even want it acknowledged, lol. I want to skip over the moment without a word uttered. I may have to BE forty, but I don't need to mark the occasion or be reminded of it, lol. I hope we both get what we want!!! (But I doubt it, lol.) __________________ I have nothing to put here.

08-07-2009, 01:55 PM	#8
HM A tag from the TF is better than a personalized licence plate Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: North Carolina Posts: 2,262	I'm sorry your husband didn't get the hint. My DH is getting worse and worse about these kind of things over time and it does hurt me a bit, that he doesn't make an effort. I think I'm just going to come out and tell him that I expect him to do something for me on special occasion. Part of it is that we had a large period of time when extras were not in the budget. I think he got used to not doing anything because of it. Enough about me. Yes, you can feel sorry for yourself. But, I suggest that you tell you husband what your expectations are for special occasion dates from now on. Tell him that your 40th birthday is a big milestone and you want to do something (tell him about the Vegas trip and your mom's willingness to take the kids). and how much it would mean to you. You may have to do the planning. Just don't beat around the bush....tell him. Good luck with this.

08-07-2009, 01:55 PM	#9
Trish Bessette Not a nerd Dang it....there goes my craving I don't like anything inflatable..... Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 3,073	Go with your girlfriends and leave him home

08-07-2009, 01:56 PM	#10
torinsmom DIS Veteran with no tags :-( Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right down the street from the UNC Tarheels! Posts: 3,643	When is your birthday? How do you know he has not planned something to surprise you? My BIL took my sister out to a restaurant on her 40th birthday, but then a week later, he hosted a big bash for her. He had told her they were going somewhere else(I can't remember where) and then told her they needed to go by the church to pick up a book. We all parked on the other side of the church, not visible from the road. Boy was she surprised! I am just saying that you may be jumping the gun. Maybe he is being very sneaky and you will be surprised! Marsha __________________ Give a Day, Get a Disney Day! We did! March 2001--offsite October 2001-offsite with whole family March 24-31, 2006--Pop Century 50's August 31-September 4, 2006--Pop Century and free dining October 13-19, 2007--Pop Century 70's August 3-11, 2008--Pop Century Grand Gathering July 6-13, 2009--Universal Studios Summer 2010--Universal AND Disney for 10 days ;-) [/IMG] Me DS15 Thunder Onyx Pharaoh Blythe Antonio

08-07-2009, 01:58 PM	#11
Pea-n-Me Survivor Call me crazy but I prefer the single bath Nothing beats the Magic of a Disney Resort! Will DIS from the Potty Alice, how's it hanging? Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Southeastern Coast of Massachusetts Posts: 13,006	(And usually we hear about controlling women. ) No, jeepgirl, you are not being selfish. But maybe you should be a little more. I hope you have some fun for your birthday. __________________ All Star Music 2001/Polynesian Lagoon View Concierge 2002/Contemporary 2003/Disney Wonder 2003/Yacht Club and Disney Wonder 2004/Pop Century 2005/Dolphin and Pop Century MNSSHP 2005/Disney Magic and Pop Century 2006/Coronado Springs MNSSHP 2006/Dolphin and Disney Wonder 2007/Port Orleans Riverside 2008/Caribbean Beach 2009/Disney Magic 2010

08-07-2009, 01:59 PM	#12
Wishing on a star DIS Veteran Another proud Southerner! Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 8,019	Been there done that with a husband who does not care to show that you/your feelings/your birthday/ are any big priority. He couldn't make a reservation to save his life... He is the complete MASTER of excuses... Really, there should be some kind of Academy type award. Bottom line, he is just a male of the species who does not care. His 'base' needs are met. And, he simply sees no other needs. Our 20th anniversary was earlier this year... He planned NOTHING. I decided that this was just plain WRONG. A woman shouldn't have to 'force' her husband into spending a little quality time together. (And, no, that is NOT cracker barrel or maybe olive garden, with kid(s) in tow.... Basicly, you are NOT being immature/selfish/demanding. A spouse should WANT to spend time with their significant other. If you have to FORCE your husband into a weekend somewhere... If time with you is not even worth that... Then, really, what is that saying... What does that mean? If you are a SAHM then that is the ULTIMATE reason for him to honor your NEED to get out of the house and away from the kids for some personal and more upscale time with your husband. If you are working and contributing to the finances.... Then spending a little cash is also NO excuse. I can only say that it might be time to take off the rose colored glasses and step back... give your husband some rope.... Otherwise you will never know if he would hang himself. I would NOT force this birthday. Just as I did not 'force' our 20th anniversary. Give your husband some rope... and then if he happens to take it and hang himself with excuses and inaction... Then, I would go from there. I can say that I would not want to be with a husband if he ever used the words 'immature' 'demanding' etc... just because I wanted a special adult upscale dinner or weekend with my spouse. I can give you more details about how I handled our recent situation, 20th anniversary, etc... by PM if you wish. Too personal for a public board. You can send me a PM and I will answer. I hope you are able to work out some plans soon!!! __________________

08-07-2009, 01:59 PM	#13
Buckalew11 2007 1/2 Marathon Finisher!!! Woohoo!! I was slathered in it almost from head to toe! I've been on a boat full of staring grumpy looking guests Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: East Tn Posts: 10,501	Since he can't read your mind and he asked... Yes!! Be truthful!! He needs a wake call before you finally say "enough is enough". You seem to be a good sport about a lot of things in your life and he can learn to be a good sport too. DH and I did WDW for my 40th and I have no regrets about it. My b-day is 2/12 and we had just been to WDW in January for him to do the Goofy. Doing something special and fun on #40 eases the shock and pain of it being a big one. I enjoyed every second of turning 40yo while at WDW!! Plan a special 40th b-day celebration if he is unable to do that for you. Don't let it go--it'll eat at you and you'll never forgive him for it. It obviously means something to you because you already told him you wanted it to be special. Make it special!! Enjoy and Happy 40th! __________________ Brenda: DISing since 2/2000 There's a great big beautiful tomorrow Shining at the end of everyday There's a great big beautiful tomorrow And tomorrow is just a dream away

08-07-2009, 02:00 PM	#15
JessicaR DIS Veteran I wanna shoot aliens in the AM too! The Grinch is rude in a funny sorta way run to the hams! Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 7,263	You are not being selfish. You put everything and everyone before yourself. This one thing apparently is important to you and you really need to make sure it happens. If he complains again ask a friend or a family member and go away for your 40th without him!! I would not wait for him to make the plans, just do it, tell him where you're going, with or without him. I hope your 40th is all you want it to be!

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