SO and me and his kids... - The DIS Discussion Forums

starrzone · 08-02-2009, 06:48 PM

Deleted

Liberty Belle · 08-02-2009, 07:05 PM

He may be waiting until they are completely comfortable with you and your role in their lives. It must be difficult for the kids to understand. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

How long have they been divorced? If it's been a while, I might change my answer.

Serena · 08-02-2009, 07:06 PM

Have you talked with him? He may be the kind that doesn't like pda's ever, or this may be something he just isn't comfortable with yet in front of his kids. I think not even holding your hand is a little much, but like I said, I would talk to him and see what his reasoning is.

Then come back and tell us so we can tell you whether he's nuts or not.

sbell111 · 08-02-2009, 07:29 PM

I think that if he is going to present you to his children as someone he is in a relationship with, then he should be willing to show some affectionate behavior around his children. Otherwise, he isn't being fair to you. Actually, I don't think that he's doing his kids a favor either, since he isn't showing his children how to show affection in a relationship.

Bottom line, you should ask him what's up and then act accordingly based on his answer.

kirbsam · 08-02-2009, 07:34 PM

totally not right.

Eeyore'sthebest · 08-02-2009, 07:42 PM

Here are my thoughts/questions and I am a stepmother.

1) Are you living together? If not, there is no reason for you to spend the night when they are there.

2) How long have they been divorced? Are you the first SO he has brought around the kids? Maybe he is trying to take it slow with them.

3) How is the ex? Is she giving him crap about you being around the kids? If she is, I'm not saying its right but maybe he doesn't want to have to listen to it.

There are lots of reasons why he would be taking it slow with you around the kids. Maybe he doesn't like PDA in front of them. Maybe the kids are having a hard time. There could be a lot of reasons. Bottom line is that these kids are in his life forever, you might not be. Sorry but that's the fact.

Bottom line, no one can tell you what his reasons are but him. Sit down, when the kids aren't around, and have a heart to heart.

kathie859 · 08-02-2009, 07:43 PM

If he's not sure how the children will accept you as his "girlfriend" and is avoiding the whole "your Mother is still your Mother but this is my girlfriend" issue--it's time for you to talk thru this as a couple. If the children resent you or see you as reason Daddy and Mommy are no longer together--Dad needs to have a calm, loving talk with them.

Children need to see normal, loving relationships between adults. I'm not talking over-the-top PDA's--just the occasional hug, peck on the cheek or hand holding.

Now...warning this is ugly: IF your SO has introduced you into his children's lives before he's sure of your relationship--shame on him! His children shouldn't be exposed to every lady that he dates. Children can form some pretty quick strong bonds and if a breakup occurs it can be like another divorce.

I wish you the best in sorting out what's best for all concerned.

java · 08-02-2009, 08:07 PM

Are you his first post divorce girlfriend? Maybe that's why he is treading so lightly.
But really it's overkill on his part. If you are "sleeping over" the kids get that you are in his life. Kids are smarter than you think.

Why can't you be affectionate to him? what's his fear? Talk to him about it and find out WHY. Maybe there is a valid reason that we can't come up with.

On him being affectionate with his kids- um I wouldn't compare that to what you two have. It's just going to backfire on you. Keep the focus on YOU two.

Avalon_toon · 08-02-2009, 08:16 PM

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your SO too - you need to get things worked out so you are both on the same page with what message you are sending to the kids.

If he doesn't want them to know you are his girl friend, then I think he's wrong - you ARE his SO, you ARE in the kids lives, and he needs to be honest with them about that or he's teaching them its okay to lie about relationships to those you love. He thought enough of your relationship to let you into the kids' lives, now he needs to be honest about it to them.

If they do know you are his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to show you even the simplest affection in front of them, he's wrong there too, imo - kids need to see healthy loving relationships, and chances are if they have just watched their parents divorce, they've seen more than they needed to of unhealthy relationships.

He might be worried the kids would be jealous - and I bet they might be, a small bit (my step-DD would squeeze between me and her dad whenever we held hands, for the first few months or so of our relationship, even though she and I were best buddies right from the start) - but so long as he behaves towards them as he always has done, I think this will pass fairly quickly, if they like you already.

So definitely speak to him about it, and see what he has to say - but also try to get him to see that he needs model for his kids the kind of relationship, and the kind of honesty, he wants them to grow up knowing.

Robinrs · 08-02-2009, 08:19 PM

Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?...

I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it.

The Mystery Machine · 08-02-2009, 08:25 PM

I guess I don't blame him for protecting his kids, there could be many reasons why he is doing this.

I would just give him some time, talk it over with him and see if you are on the same page.

I am sure you are having a small warning bell go off in your head.

That is normal too. You may find that you do not want to compete with SO's kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest with yourself.

N&B'smom · 08-02-2009, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starrzone

Please bear with me if I'm being unreasonable and/or naive, as I've never dated someone with kids before and neither has any of my close friends or family...

I've been seeing SO since January. I briefly (as in said "hi") met his kids (

7,

6) in March, and we started spending a few hours with them here and there in April. We've had several overnight visits with them since then, and even took them on a 2-day mini-vacation last week. When we have the kids at his place, they sleep in one bedroom, I sleep in the bed in the main bedroom and SO sleeps on the couch (per his and their mother's wishes, which is more than fine by me).

Here's the thing...he doesn't really like when I kiss him on the cheek, hold his hand or am affectionate towards him when we're with the kids. I can understand this to a point, but when I stand there and watch while he's cuddling and kissing the kids, and he won't even hold my hand while we're around them, I feel sort of left out. Am I being unreasonable? All I want is to be able to hug him from time to time for the 1 or 2 nights that we have the kids.

Thanks for listening...it felt SO good to get that out!!!

I can see why it bothers you.

Have you talked to him about it??

Jennasis · 08-02-2009, 08:57 PM

When my Dsis started dating a man with a 4 year old (she was his first post divorce GF) they held off on ANY PDA in front of teh kid for a very long time. She was just "daddy's friend Sally" for many months. This was both of their idea. The kid eventually asked my sister (whom he adored) if she would stay over for the night with him and his dad. Sister said she couldn't since there wasn't a spare bedroom. Kiddo looks her right in the eye and says "uh DUH...you sleep with daddy"!

Sis is likely getting engaged to said guy this weekend in Paris!

aprilgail2 · 08-02-2009, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robinrs

Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?...

I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it.

Totally agree!!

DisneyJules · 08-02-2009, 09:11 PM

I completely understand how you're feeling, I'm sure I would feel the same way too. I do also understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Having been a child of divorce, I always found I got super uncomfortable when my mom and her boyfriend at the time (now stepdad) would show each other affection. This lessened over time and now that it's been YEARS, it's obviously not a problem,hehe But when I was quite young, I know it did make me uncomfortable.

08-02-2009, 06:48 PM	#1
starrzone Quirky with snack cakes Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 834	SO and me and his kids... Deleted __________________ Come check out my blog: http://starrzone.wordpress.com/ Last edited by starrzone; 10-04-2009 at 02:53 PM. Reason: Stupidity

08-02-2009, 07:05 PM	#2
Liberty Belle I'm terrified my first tag will be "W's cousin" Hey, I warned you. Now go have a drink. It's the only thing that takes it away Makes sleestack noises when her throat itches Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Kentucky Posts: 8,737	He may be waiting until they are completely comfortable with you and your role in their lives. It must be difficult for the kids to understand. I don't think he's being unreasonable. How long have they been divorced? If it's been a while, I might change my answer. __________________ You can be active with the activists or sleep in with the sleepers, while you're waiting for the great leap forward

08-02-2009, 07:06 PM	#3
Serena Not afraid of canned biscuits Silly string is always fun I fell on ice and cracked my tailbone once Ask me what people will do for my cosmetics case! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Indiana Posts: 34,133	Have you talked with him? He may be the kind that doesn't like pda's ever, or this may be something he just isn't comfortable with yet in front of his kids. I think not even holding your hand is a little much, but like I said, I would talk to him and see what his reasoning is. Then come back and tell us so we can tell you whether he's nuts or not. __________________

08-02-2009, 07:42 PM	#6
Eeyore'sthebest DIS Veteran Not So Tagless in NJ They don't call them crackberries for nothing! talk about chafing! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Jersey Girl! Posts: 4,757	Here are my thoughts/questions and I am a stepmother. 1) Are you living together? If not, there is no reason for you to spend the night when they are there. 2) How long have they been divorced? Are you the first SO he has brought around the kids? Maybe he is trying to take it slow with them. 3) How is the ex? Is she giving him crap about you being around the kids? If she is, I'm not saying its right but maybe he doesn't want to have to listen to it. There are lots of reasons why he would be taking it slow with you around the kids. Maybe he doesn't like PDA in front of them. Maybe the kids are having a hard time. There could be a lot of reasons. Bottom line is that these kids are in his life forever, you might not be. Sorry but that's the fact. Bottom line, no one can tell you what his reasons are but him. Sit down, when the kids aren't around, and have a heart to heart. __________________ Allison DH Me DD10

08-02-2009, 07:43 PM	#7
kathie859 Deleriously Disney Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Northern Kentucky Posts: 1,201	Too many missing pieces to judge.... If he's not sure how the children will accept you as his "girlfriend" and is avoiding the whole "your Mother is still your Mother but this is my girlfriend" issue--it's time for you to talk thru this as a couple. If the children resent you or see you as reason Daddy and Mommy are no longer together--Dad needs to have a calm, loving talk with them. Children need to see normal, loving relationships between adults. I'm not talking over-the-top PDA's--just the occasional hug, peck on the cheek or hand holding. Now...warning this is ugly: IF your SO has introduced you into his children's lives before he's sure of your relationship--shame on him! His children shouldn't be exposed to every lady that he dates. Children can form some pretty quick strong bonds and if a breakup occurs it can be like another divorce. I wish you the best in sorting out what's best for all concerned.

Sponsored Links
DIS ad Register to remove Join Date: 1997 Location: Orlando, FL Posts: 1,000,000+	<div align="center">This information cannot be displayed because your browser does not support inline frames.<a href="http://www.wdwinfo.com">Click Here</a> </div>

08-02-2009, 07:29 PM	#4
sbell111 I don't care if people walk slowly, as long as they are willing to do it behind me Our roomba locked itself in the laundry room not too long ago Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 4,029	I think that if he is going to present you to his children as someone he is in a relationship with, then he should be willing to show some affectionate behavior around his children. Otherwise, he isn't being fair to you. Actually, I don't think that he's doing his kids a favor either, since he isn't showing his children how to show affection in a relationship. Bottom line, you should ask him what's up and then act accordingly based on his answer.

08-02-2009, 07:34 PM	#5
kirbsam Everyone at the nude beach thought I was winking at them Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: green bay, wi Posts: 3,659	totally not right.

08-02-2009, 08:07 PM	#8
java I am embracing the Turkey Butt We have the mentally insane lab and the incredibly flatulent Bulldog I'm the mean wife Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 14,428	Are you his first post divorce girlfriend? Maybe that's why he is treading so lightly. But really it's overkill on his part. If you are "sleeping over" the kids get that you are in his life. Kids are smarter than you think. Why can't you be affectionate to him? what's his fear? Talk to him about it and find out WHY. Maybe there is a valid reason that we can't come up with. On him being affectionate with his kids- um I wouldn't compare that to what you two have. It's just going to backfire on you. Keep the focus on YOU two.

08-02-2009, 08:16 PM	#9
Avalon_toon Mouseketeer Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 406	I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your SO too - you need to get things worked out so you are both on the same page with what message you are sending to the kids. If he doesn't want them to know you are his girl friend, then I think he's wrong - you ARE his SO, you ARE in the kids lives, and he needs to be honest with them about that or he's teaching them its okay to lie about relationships to those you love. He thought enough of your relationship to let you into the kids' lives, now he needs to be honest about it to them. If they do know you are his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to show you even the simplest affection in front of them, he's wrong there too, imo - kids need to see healthy loving relationships, and chances are if they have just watched their parents divorce, they've seen more than they needed to of unhealthy relationships. He might be worried the kids would be jealous - and I bet they might be, a small bit (my step-DD would squeeze between me and her dad whenever we held hands, for the first few months or so of our relationship, even though she and I were best buddies right from the start) - but so long as he behaves towards them as he always has done, I think this will pass fairly quickly, if they like you already. So definitely speak to him about it, and see what he has to say - but also try to get him to see that he needs model for his kids the kind of relationship, and the kind of honesty, he wants them to grow up knowing. __________________ Please see the Hidden Mickey for Haiti thread

08-02-2009, 08:19 PM	#10
Robinrs Sistah Souljah! Others love Spidey, but Spidey loves ME They change color depending on the light old as dirt but still rockin' Join Date: Sep 1999 Location: Atlanta, GA originally from Bklyn, New York Posts: 29,458	Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?... I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it. __________________ My family!!

08-02-2009, 08:25 PM	#11
The Mystery Machine Grease can't be good Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: In Missouri somewhere Posts: 29,656	I guess I don't blame him for protecting his kids, there could be many reasons why he is doing this. I would just give him some time, talk it over with him and see if you are on the same page. I am sure you are having a small warning bell go off in your head. That is normal too. You may find that you do not want to compete with SO's kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest with yourself. __________________

08-02-2009, 08:57 PM	#13
Jennasis It's a miracle! I stayed awake during the El Rio Del Tiempo ride! Let's not even TOUCH the whole Dog vs. dawg vs. Dowg thing! PLINKO baby! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: The Triad, NC Posts: 8,625	When my Dsis started dating a man with a 4 year old (she was his first post divorce GF) they held off on ANY PDA in front of teh kid for a very long time. She was just "daddy's friend Sally" for many months. This was both of their idea. The kid eventually asked my sister (whom he adored) if she would stay over for the night with him and his dad. Sister said she couldn't since there wasn't a spare bedroom. Kiddo looks her right in the eye and says "uh DUH...you sleep with daddy"! Sis is likely getting engaged to said guy this weekend in Paris! __________________

08-02-2009, 09:11 PM	#15
DisneyJules I LOVE BONO! I wish everyone could experience the magic of Disney Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 1,066	I completely understand how you're feeling, I'm sure I would feel the same way too. I do also understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Having been a child of divorce, I always found I got super uncomfortable when my mom and her boyfriend at the time (now stepdad) would show each other affection. This lessened over time and now that it's been YEARS, it's obviously not a problem,hehe But when I was quite young, I know it did make me uncomfortable. __________________ Jul 8:0) WDW 1985, 1987, 1988 WDW March 1992 WDW (7/31- 8/14) 1996 Disneyland July 2000 WDW Feb 2004 WDW June-August 2005 WDW May 2006

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes	Rate This Thread
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode	Rate This Thread: