do you charge your young adults to live with you?

[amez]

My step-son has lived with for several years now -- he graduated from high school in May. We aren't sure if he is going to college or not. He has applied and been accepted, but that's due to us telling him to do it. He hasn't gotten books or anything like that.

Last month we've told him he atleast needs to pay his cell phone bill. I'm just not sure if we should have him help out with the household expenses. He feels he isn't responsible for anything here. Yes, he lives here full time and he will help out if I specifically tell him to take out the trash, or wash dishes etc. Otherwise nothing. I guess I feel a little resentful that I cook, clean, etc. and he just shows up to eat, use the internet, tv, shower etc. We've tried sitting down and explaining that occassionally washing a load of towels or sweeping the floor would be great, but it's like he doesn't get it.

So those of you with children who are finished with high school, what is your expectation around the house for them? Do they contribute to the cost of living at home? Sometimes he is just clueless. If I buy a gallon of OJ he will be like "oh well great" and drink it all, but never ever buy any (he works at a grocery store). We have three other children here who are younger. I'm trying to determine if my annoyance is because he is older and doesn't help out and should or if it is because he is my "step-son" I've tried to determine if it were my own children doing this at his age if I would feel the same way and I feel like I would, but I don't want to treat him unfairly because I'm the "step-mom" I've been step mom since he was four so I do feel like we are a family. My husband keeps thinking/hoping he'll move out soon, but honestly why would he. We have a great home here and he has no reponsiblities.

Hope this makes some sense and that I can hear back from others who have young adults living at home.

thanks
Amy

I do want to add he is very respectful to us an not a trouble maker or anything.

[stephbillalec]

When I was in college I was responsible for my credit card and phone bills. I also had to purchase my books and supplies each semester and pay for all of my "entertainment".
After I graduated, I moved back home and lived with mom for 3 years until I got married. During this time I was responsible for paying all of the utilities for our apartment while she paid the rent.
I think your stepson should contribute something...especially if he's not going to go to school and is working (hopefully!) full time.
Good luck!

[parkers*momma]

In our house, we set guidelines for those who remain at home. We don't charge "rent" but if they are working, they do have to pay their own bills: cells, car insurance, clothing, etc. plus we tell them that a certain percentage of their check goes in the savings account so they can afford to more out.

As for chores...heavens yes! If they aren't working..then the house is all theirs to keep up and the yard while we are at work. Sweeping, dusting, dishes, yard work, etc.

If they are working, then we split chores. Two nights a week they get kitchen duty...fixing the meal, cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, etc. plus we rotate the household chores and everyone works in the yard.

As for groceries, I buy the majority of the groceries...enough for everyone. But the adult child living with us gets to buy the extras...if we run out of milk, bread, cereal, snacks, whatever...then I ask them to run to the store and pick the items up. I don't give them the money to do it. It lets them see just how expensive buying items at the grocery store.

Plus when it comes to cleaning up after themselves, doing their laundry, etc...not my job anymore. At 18 they can definitely figure out a washer, dryer, etc.

I think the only time I would consider "rent" is if they were 21, never held a job for any length of time, didn't contribute to the house, and gave me a line about "my room" as into staying out of it.

[MinnieForMe]

I'm now a mom and married to my DH but back when I graduated from college and moved back in with mom and dad they did charge me. It was only $25.00 a week but it was just a reminder that housing costs money and someday I would be responsible for a mortgage. My parents paid for my first car but I was responsible for paying them $100.00 a week until it was paid off. They did not even foot the bill for the insurance. Luckily, I went to college on 90% scholarship but my parents and I split the other 10%. I had to work a summer job and I was an RA and worked on campus during the year. It taught me the value of a dollar.

I certainly credit my parents for my financial success today! I can remember my mom teaching me about checking accounts and credit cards before I moved away to college. Yes, I had my own in those days (cc) and I managed to pay for it myself without ever carrying a monthly balance.

Please teach your son how to budget and spend his money. He'll thank you in the future. My 11 year old already knows how to coupon and work ECB's at CVS. LOL! I work on money managing skills with all three of my children!

[uva185]

My mom covered all my expenses while I was in school but I didn't live at home either so I couldn't help out around the house.

I would see what he decides to do with school, unless he is going to school full time I would expect him to get a job and start contributing financially. If he does go to school full time cut him some slack. (assuming he is not just taking bs classes)

[mjejj]

I agree with the pp. If he is living at your home, working and not going to school, he should definately help out around the house. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to do some "chores" around the house or maybe help out with a bill or two. He could pay his own cell phone bill and maybe another small bill around the house (i.e. trash pick up or cable). If he doesn't make enough to cover that, then tell him he needs to do certain things around the house since he is no longer in school and not paying rent. I think regardless, he should be paying his own cell phone bill. If he really needs a cell phone, he will find a way to pay for it.
As far as the orange juice thing, it is just common courtesy that if he is out (at the grocery where he works) he should replace the items he uses up.

I'm a step-mom too, and while my step-kids are younger, I think this is the way I would handle this situation when they get older.

[imjoyful2]

The day I graduated high school, my parents made me pay rent. I paid $25 a week. We were always told if we were going to school, we wouldn't have to pay rent (I moved to Peru, so it was a mute point). So if he isn't attending college, then yes, he should pay some rent.

[Cruise]

I'm sure you'll get many different replies, but all you can do is what feels right for you and your family. Every family is different and everyone's financial situation is different.

For me, personally, I wouldn't charge actual rent or ask for money for bills, but I would expect a grown child to "earn his/her keep" in the sense of doing their own laundry, helping to clean the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc. I would also expect any of their own bills to be theirs to pay - cell phone, entertainment, gas, etc.

It seems like you're more reluctant to push this since he's your step-son. What does your DH have to say about all this? Does he expect his son to contribute?

[dawnbu40]

I have a DD who is almost 19 and a fulltime commuting college student. I can not imagine charging her rent. It is a parent's job to support their child until they can support themselves. Your DH's son should help with chores but charging rent to a young man who just graduated highschool a few months ago is ridiculous. If he helps out when specifically asked, then do that. Young people don't necessarily grasp the ambiguous "help out more" statement. Give him clear directions as to what he needs to do and when.

[Targsmom]

When I had to move back home at 21, I had a job.. There were 4 people living in the house at the time. My parents and my younger brother. My parents added up the household expenses (so they said) and divided by 4. I paid them $200.00 a month. I was also expected to clean up after myself and respect their need for a solid 8 hours of sleep.

When my brother turned 21, the same rules applied to him.

[NYCDiane]

I would make a "chore chart" where each person in the household is responsible for certain chores (including the younger ones). Yes, it sounds juvenile, but your step-son obviously hasn't been taught to do his share and maybe this is an opportunity for him to learn.

He should be responsible for his own laundry. (there's no reason for you to be doing an adult's laundry. He's fully capable of doing it himself and you can teach him "how to")

If he's not going to go to school, then he should continue working but find a full time job.

I would charge him rent ----- if he's going to school and working part time (and he should be!), I would charge him a small amount ---maybe $50/wk to cover rent, food, utilities. He should still be paying his own cell, gas, entertainment.

If he opts out of going to school, then I would make him pay $100/wk rent and chip in for food (maybe an additional $25).

[pumpkinfish]

I didn't pay rent while I still lived at home but I was held accountable for my car, repairs, and insurance. My dad kept a running tally on what I owed if I couldnt pay it right then at that point. The day before I moved out I paid it off . I had no problem with this arrangement. Kept my head in the right place and I didn't take money for granted.

[amandamims1]

Since I started working in high school, I've been responsible for my own car payments and insurance. My mom has paid my cell phone bill since I got one about 6 years ago (she has a family plan with me, my sister 15, brother 20, sister in law 19 on it). I'm 21 now and I don't live at home, haven't since my brother, SIL, and boyfriend got our own places two years ago. When I lived at home I did my own laundry (have since I was about 10, maybe less) and helped out with whatever was needed. When my SIL was about 15, her dad threw her out and my mom took her in, so my mom cared for her up until she graduated (2008 I think) and moved out with my brother.

To sum up, my mom always said as long as we were working or going to school she wouldn't charge us rent or bills, with the except of we paid for our clothes, cars, etc. The minute we stopped either we were responsible for rent, etc. I think this made us more responsible because we all live on our own and we're doing fine.

My boyfriend, however, comes from a family where you work for the family business whether you like it or not, and don't get paid. They promise you all kinds of things, like paying for school or a car, and never see it. He worked with his dad starting around age 13 until almost 18 and never saw a penny. When my boyfriend got a job outside of working with his dad, they found it disgraceful and a slap in their face. They then decided to charge him "rent" and made him pay THEIR car payments, insurance, etc. They took every penny he ever made, and now can't figure out why he couldnt balance a check book or do his own taxes. When we got our own place 2 years ago, we did not tell them until we signed our lease. I know this was mean, but it was the only way it could be done. The minute they found out he was moving out, they told him he would never make it and was a failure. Heh funny how they begged him to move back in because they needed his money so badly. Now I could understand maybe if he was 30 living in their home, but he's 23 and just recently moved back in with them because his dad went to Iraq and his mom can't handle the finances. We're basically back to square one as far as paying rent and all that.

Bottom line is, I don't think its fair to be so extreme as my boyfriends parents but children do have to be responsible and know how to handle money. If you think this is what your stepson needs, then so be it.

I think its really a personal choice if you charge the children rent. If I had children of that age, I don't think I could charge them rent or groceries or anything like that if they were working paying for their own cars, cells, etc. They would be responsible for chores and if they wanted to buy anything extra.

Just my (very longgggg) $0.02.

[meriface11]

i say yes.

i got a job when i was 16 in HS. I was responsible for all of my own spending money, including my car, insurance, gas, etc. (and when my father was laid off, I even helped contribute towards household bills, but that was an extreme circumstance). luckily i was a waitress, so i made pretty good money for a high school student.

I lived away at college (which i paid for my myself through scholarship, grants and loans), but when i was home for the summers, I contributed $25 a week to the household.

after I graduated, i lived at home for a year and then paid "rent"--$50 a week. before i got a full time job with benefits, my parents demanded that i cover the costs of my heath insurance through COBRA if i was going to be living under their roof. this was in the mid 1990's, so consider inflation. i was free to eat the food that was in the house as i pleased but had a fulltime job, so this was really only dinners, and i spent most of my weekend time out of the house socializing with friends.

if your son is at home and has no immediate plans, he should be responsible for his own expenses, at the least. while the amount of responsibility that was forced on me at such a young age was stressful, and the things my parents required of me if i was going to live at home were not always easy or what i would have preferred to do with my money, i always could have moved out if i thought it would be cheaper or easier. and these lessons taught me responsibility and independence, and the value of hard work and a dollar.

[kimsuenew]

Our DS graduated this year from HS. He has applied at over 30 jobs but has yet to even score an interview. He will start college in the fall (locally so he will stay at home).

Right now he pays nothing, however, we gave him an older car we had and it was his responsibility to get it "road ready" (brakes, tires, tune-up) and tagged with the graduation money he received as gifts. He received nearly $900.00 total from all family and friends, he tithed 10%, and spent all but $40.00 of the remaining money on the car!

After he does get a job, he will be responsible for his portion of the cell phone bill, his own gas, and his car insurance... all other "living expenses" (including medical) we will provide. He is also responsible for his college tuition, books, and supplies as we simply can not take that on (I am in college myself). This money will come in the form of student loans and hopefully grants. He is also applying for every scholarship offered!

I think having an adult child "help out" is fine... perhaps having them pay medical co-pays, their vehicle expenses, their cell phone, credit cards if they get one, even stopping to pick up a few groceries every now and again... but to pay rent... no! In fact, I cannot imagine that truly that would even be legal unless you were set up to have renters and claimed it as income!

My friend had a great idea for her son after graduation (I would not do this but thought she was creative)! He fell into a great job (uncle owns a thriving construction company) and made great money, yet squandered it on foolishness (girls, partying, cars, motorcycles, 4-wheelers, demo derby cars, ect...). After two years of frustration she told him he had to give her $200.00 a month! Little did he know that she started a seperate account and about 3 &1/2 years later, after having matured and as he was preparing to move to a home he had bought, she gave him his entire "rent" for the time he had paid it! Needless to say, it was a pleasant surprise for him!