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Old 08-29-2009, 07:35 PM   #796
Angelrose
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It was a rainy morning but it cleared up this afternoon. I still have no reaction from the cream. I started it on my forehead today.

I'm going to do my grocery shopping tomorrow and then run over to the kids for a little visit. Just going to talk about our Disney trip plans and see the family video. That ought to be good for some laughs.

Today I kept having these thoughts that I let my DH die for no reason. Maybe he would have come back to me in time, no matter what the doctors said. Maybe I didn't give him enough time to recover. I know what the tests showed and I know he wouldn't want to have lived like he was. It's just I can't help but think that maybe.....

Just a bad day I guess.
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Old 08-29-2009, 07:49 PM   #797
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I'm so sorry you're feeling like this & having these kinds of thoughts. I guess people will always second guess themselves, but you know in your heart that it wouldn't have been good. I'm sorry, I don't have words to help. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 08-29-2009, 07:55 PM   #798
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelrose View Post

Today I kept having these thoughts that I let my DH die for no reason. Maybe he would have come back to me in time, no matter what the doctors said. Maybe I didn't give him enough time to recover. I know what the tests showed and I know he wouldn't want to have lived like he was. It's just I can't help but think that maybe.....

Just a bad day I guess.
Oh, now you need to stop that kind of thought! There is never a perfect time to let go (I know, easy for me to say). You have to believe that the doctors were being frank & honest. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, along with just plain missin' him.

I pray that you have more good days than bad.
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Old 08-29-2009, 07:57 PM   #799
Angelrose
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Knows too many details about Gnarf, Fnarfle, Grotchy and Ronkle....yep, she needs help!! ;)
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Thanks Philagoofy. I know in my heart that it was the right and only thing to do. It's just in my head that these thoughts come every once in a while. I guess it's because I miss him so much. I still can't even think about him without crying. Sometimes I can remember things and smile, but most times the memories are too painful.

Just feeling gloomy today.
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Old 08-29-2009, 08:02 PM   #800
Angelrose
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Drives me even crazier than I am
 
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Thank you minniecarousel. I do have good days when I know I did the right thing. He spelled it out in detail in his living will. He wouldn't have wanted to be anything other than 100%. It's just that he was so strong and healthy. It wasn't his time.

Oh I am sorry. This is just a bad night. I will be better tomorrow.
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Old 08-29-2009, 09:28 PM   #801
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Oh Angelrose, please don't let those kind of thoughts creep in. It was just his time..all in God's Plan. Untimely as it was..we are never ready to let go. We have those 'what if' and 'if only' thoughts..but just push them away. His fate was safe in your hands and those of the Doctors that knew best. You merely executed his wishes..as he knew you would. He wouldn't have wanted to be anything less than he always was and he knew that you knew that as well.
He trusted in you when he couldn't speak for himself to let his wishes be known..and you did. You did what was right when it was right.

It was just a bad day...and they will come along. Tomorrow will be better...

It will. I wish I could take some of your hurt..
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Old 08-30-2009, 05:59 PM   #802
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Just popping in Angelrose to see how you are today? I do hope it was a little better day?
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Old 08-30-2009, 08:02 PM   #803
Angelrose
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Today was a better day by far. I went over to Chuck's house this morning. As soon as I started up the steps I heard Karen telling Jesse that grandmom was coming. He let out a yell and a laugh and ran into my arms as soon as I got in the door. I got lots of hugs from him today. We played with the Hot Wheels I got him while Chuck and Karen made macaroni and potato salad for the barbeque they were going to later in the afternoon. He likes to run full on so I have to be ready to grab him in my arms so he doesn't crush me. LOL I am amazed at how much he is learning. He can say good morning and he was parroting a lot of what I was saying to him. He can pick out animals on flash cards and match them up. He did have a bit of trouble saying hyena but you could understand him. He loves him Mickey Mou. He can't quite get that last part in. LOL He's only 21 months old. I can't wait for him to see DW. After lunch, it was Jesse's nap time and Karen made Chuck go out to mow the lawn. He gave her many humerous reasons why he shouldn't do it. He needed to stay and visit with his mommy was one. LOL Another one was give Jesse a machete and let him do it. It's Fisher Price My First Machete. He gave others but Karen wasn't having it and made him go out. It does my heart good to see them kidding around like that. Just like Ron and me. I told Karen about my bad day yesterday. She talked to me and made me feel better. It's funny, but I can talk to Karen but not Chuck about these things. She went through a lot of the same things with her dad and her mom. So she knows where I coming from. Then we talked about our dining plans for our DW trip this December. Now that was a lot of fun. I left around 3 before Jesse woke up because I didn't want him to cry. Karen said he would cry anyway when he found out I wasn't there. AWWWW he misses me. By the time I got home I was so tired. Jesse is quite an energetic little boy. But I do feel better about everything. I know there will be days when I will go through this whole thing again. But I really do know I did the right thing.

Ladies make sure your husbands take the time to be careful. Just one moments carelessness when they are tired and your whole world can change. My DH seemed to forget his age a lot and tried to do too much at one time. I go through a lot of "if onlys".
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Old 08-30-2009, 08:26 PM   #804
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Oh Angelrose I am so happy that your day was brighter! Sounds like the perfect day and children have such a way of lifting our spirits as we share their absolute joy in every little thing. How lovely..

It makes sense that you can share your feelings more with Karen...girls are just different. We are more emotional and sentimental and know how to explain our feelings a little better I think. That she has been through a loss certainly qualifies her as a good person to talk things over with too. I lost my Mum 6 years ago due to a drug complication so feel that she also was cheated out of her life's natural course...it's so easy to wonder what we could have-should have done differently. Alas, we must accept and going over the chain of events sadly changes nothing. Just re opens the wound and we hurt anew all over. So..we move on as they would want us to and a little boys eyes sure can help us see the beauty that is there for the taking every day can't they?

I am happy that you have the joyous times in your life as well...sounds like you are one loved Grandmom!
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Old 08-31-2009, 06:14 AM   #805
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Angelrose, I just found your thread this morning and let me express my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband, Ron. Losing the ones you love is never easy.

Ironically I found this thread because I could not sleep. I was thinking about my father who passed away in late June from complications followinf a massive MRSHA infection. I found all of the prayers and poems in this thread to be comforting.

I too struggle with the what ifs. What if I had taken more time to talk more in depth woth his drs? What if I had insisted that the nursing home actually do what they were supposed to? What if he had gone to the dr when i first started bugging him? Maybe everything would have been different.

The only words of advice I have is to take it day by day as you seem to do and to not be afraid to let the bad ones show. And never let the "what ifs" get to you.

God Bless
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:10 AM   #806
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Stopping by to say Good Morning and wishing all a good day!
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:25 AM   #807
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Angelrose! Hope you have a wonderful week.

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Old 08-31-2009, 08:39 AM   #808
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I'm so glad this thread popped back.

Angelrose, I have never posted to this thread but I have read along. After catching up on it Thursday August 20 I went home for the day. That night I had a dream that you FINALLY had your dream where Ron comes to visit you in your dreams.

I hope he comes to your dreams soon.

You are an incredibly strong woman.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:04 PM   #809
Angelrose
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Knows too many details about Gnarf, Fnarfle, Grotchy and Ronkle....yep, she needs help!! ;)
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charming23 I so sorry for the loss of you father. That MRSHA is a terrible infection. I'm sorry you had to go through the "what ifs" too. It doesn't do any good at all to go down that road, but sometimes you just can't help it.

wvjules, thank you for posting. I did have a very short dream of Ron. He smiled at me and touched my arm. I had another dream the following night but I couldn't remember it. That's all I've had. I wish he would come for a longer visit. He seemed happy and at peace. It was wonderful to see his wonderful smile again and see his beautiful blue eyes.

I'm keeping busy by putting out Halloween decorations! Now don't laugh. It's September 1 tomorrow. I'm allowed. Of course on November 1 they all get put away and I start the Christmas decorations. Everything has to be done before our trip on December 11. I'll be putting up my tree early in November with the kids help. So that it doesn't interfere with their holiday decorations.

I did make an appointment with the gyno for the 28th. I'm amazed that I got an appointment so quickly.
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Old 09-01-2009, 06:43 AM   #810
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Angelrose, I'm sorry I haven't stopped by the last few days ~ I receive email updates and then forget that I've been reading, but not on line so no post!

Now that you are getting ready for Halloween, I will be sure to reply to the bouncing pumpkin today - glad you like it! It is easy to add it - just the way you would for a picture really ~ I find that way easier than how others have told me, but then I need to do everything the pigeon way...more steps, but easier for me!

Take gentle care.
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