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Old 07-04-2009, 10:39 PM   #586
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Still thinking of you and sending many hugs and prayers Angelrose Please don't hesitate to pm me if you need someone to *talk* to~we lost my step-son 7 yrs ago at 22 yrs old in a car accident~I've considered seeking out a medium, however my husband doesn't think it is wise....I will go with what he believes is best, but I know my step son is still around us~and his daughter (she is 9 now)
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:52 PM   #587
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I had a pretty good day today. Last night I was watching A Capitol 4th and the played Gershwins Rhapsody in Blue. That was Ron's favorite song. I keep the prayer card right on my table and I picked it up so I could hold it while we listened to the song. The tears just started to flow. He would have enjoyed listening to that so much. It's the little things that get to me. One minute I am fine and the other I am a mess.

Today I went grocery shopping. When I got back in my car I noticed that the brake was a little funny. I thought maybe I was too far back so I moved the seat. It still acted mushy. I was hoping I could get home. Whenever I tried to stop I had to really press the brake pedal all the way to the floor and then the car would list to one side. A message came up on the dash to fill the brake fluid. So I called my son and he said he would get some. In the mean time my cousin called and asked if I wanted to swim for a couple of hours. I told her I can't use my car. She said she would pick me up and take me home. Isn't she great? So when I got home there was a note from Chuck saying DON'T DRIVE THE CAR! Call me. It seems my brake line has a hole in it. I need to have my car towed and my brake line replaced. Oh goody! Another expense. I hope it won't be too expensive. I need to watch all my expenses now so I will ahve enough to go to DW in December.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:16 PM   #588
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How scary, Angelrose..... so glad you were able to make it home safely.

I enjoy reading your updates... sounds like you are doing well. Of course there will be days that are better than others, but I think you are doing a great job of handling everything as it comes.... one day at a time.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:27 PM   #589
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Glad to hear you made it home safely! In the future any time your brake goes to the floor like that turn the car off and call someone to come get you.

You know there will be all kinds of expenses between now and December. At least that is how it works for me. Blech. We decided tonight that we will not be going in December so I won't get to meet you. We have to go in January. Larry hasn't heard from his teacher so we will reschedule for January. So I just have to keep sending you hugs through here.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:06 PM   #590
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I'm not on the DIS too often anymore and am just seeing your thread. I'm so very sorry to read about your loss. I'm glad you have such wonderful memories to hold close to your heart during this sad time. You were both blessed.
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Old 07-06-2009, 06:46 AM   #591
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Angelrose, I know how such moments being both comfort and tears. When my son passed, I was in a fog for 2 years, but sometimes a memory we shared would being a arm smile and I'd be happy for a moment, but then would collapse into tears. It is all part of grieving our beloved. In time, the pain will get softer, but it will take time. It is good you are being gentle with yourself.

My dear father passed very quickly and unexpectedly, like your dear Ron. My parents were married for 55 years and devoted to one another. Wish I could give you a gentle hug -will just send one through cyberspace.

I am so relieved you got home safely and your son was able to check out the breaks.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. You are in my thoughts and prayer everyday.
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Old 07-06-2009, 08:43 PM   #592
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I had my car towed to the brake place. He is a very nice man. My cousin went to him and he treated her right. He let me know that it may be a big job, which I suspected. He then called me this afternoon to say the car was there and would be locked in the lot for the night. He will call me tomorrow after he looks it over and will also call my son. He said he encourages his customers to come over and he will show them what is wrong and how it will fix it. So I know the cost isn't going to be cheap. Oh well, it has to be done.

My cousin from Florida called to ask how I was. The family has always called him Joethebum. That's how he said who he was. He is such a good man. My dad Confirmed him. So our families have always been close. His wife has had some serious health issues, so he has been going through a tough time too. He sent his condolences and told me that they will be up here in August and they want us all to go out to dinner. That will be nice. I haven't seen him in a couple of years.

I had some crying spells today. Lots of them. I am trying to be brave and think of all the good times, but sometimes that doesn't work. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a two year olds' temper tantrum. I cry and yell and cry some more. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER stop crying. I know it's still very recent, but it seems like forever. If you knew me, I was always ready with a smile or a laugh. Ron used to love my giggle. Now I seem to have lost that.

Thank you MinnieandNana, I guess it is all part of the grieving process. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

chell, I'm sorry we won't get to meet in December. Maybe some other time we will get together at DW.

CJMickeyMouse, I am doing my best to cope with things. Right now everything seems to stress me out. The car, the finances, not having the pool open. But I will survive. Ron would want me to.
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Old 07-06-2009, 09:51 PM   #593
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One day when you least expect it you will be out somewhere and you will catch yourself giggling and it will be exactly the sound that Ron loved to hear so much. That is when a huge smile will come over your face and your heart will also smile. Then you will feel like Ron is holding you tight once again. Just like the sadness, the happiness will sneak up on you too.

Of course right now the sadness is so much heavier than anything else you have every felt, but each and every day it does get a little lighter. I hope that every single day you feel our prayers and love for you and feel the sadness and burdens lifting little by little.

You could stay until January that way we can still meet this winter.
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Old 07-06-2009, 09:55 PM   #594
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelrose View Post
CJMickeyMouse, I am doing my best to cope with things. Right now everything seems to stress me out. The car, the finances, not having the pool open. But I will survive. Ron would want me to.
Don't let my husband see this after all the stressing I have done today. BUT stressing really gets you no where. When something stresses you try to take a deep breath and ask yourself what good comes from stressing over this. Seriously, what good does it do you to stress?

YES, you will survive. You are a very blessed Lady! You have such an amazing family and a great DIS family too.
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Old 07-06-2009, 10:08 PM   #595
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I feel so sad for you when I read your posts and it's so easy to listen in from afar and tell you there will be better days, but until you are having them, it's tough to really believe. As has been said here...they will just sneak up on you and it might take you by surprise that your heart feels lighter. It will. Promise.

It's learning that this is the new normal. A new life happened and most of us like it just the way it was and change is hard..you sound as if you are stronger than you think you are. Have faith-God, Family and Ron will see you through these times..he's still with you. In your heart and at your side.

God Bless
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Old 07-07-2009, 08:38 PM   #596
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Today wasn't so bad. Chuck called to tell me the damages on the car weren't as bad as I had feared. The man was very nice about things and told Chuck what I needed and what I didn't need. I will be able to pick it up tomorrow some time.

I kept busy today and that helped. Tonight a man called about my finances. Just to tell me his name and if I have any questions to give him a call. He mentioned speaking to Ronald. That is my son's first name also, but he goes by his middle name. That was all it took. For a fraction of a second, I thought he meant Ron. I could hardly finish the conversation with him and I'm sure I was rather short with him. I cried and cried after that.

I read in the grieving pamphlets that the first step in getting over grief is to accept that fact of the death. I can't do that and I don't WANT to do that right now. I just know he is going to come down the stairs or come in the computer room to say goodnight to me. He's just away for a few days, that's all. If I think any other way then I won't be able to stop crying. I never knew pain and loss like this. Even when my mom and dad died. I cried and I missed them, but not like this.

I will look forward to the day when I can laugh and giggle at something and feel the sun in my heart again.
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Old 07-07-2009, 08:57 PM   #597
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It is still very early days--allow yourself those tears.
You have to get some of that pain and despair out before you can accept that he is gone.

Are you seeing family or friends at some point every day? It might be nice for you to have someone to chat with or go out for awhile with. Just to keep some purpose in a day? Maybe there is even a bereavement group in your area where you can share your feelings with those that have walked in your shoes also?

There's no magic to the healing-it's just about time. Time and more time. Don't feel that you need to rush it..

Hugs to you tonight
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:26 PM   #598
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I talk to my son every day on the phone. But I see neighbors every day and we talk for a few minutes.

I have friends I talk to on the phone too. Right now, I don't really want to go out to see anyone but my son and my cousin.

In the fall I will go back to my walking and will see my friends. But even then it will be hard to talk to them.

I know it will take time, it's just hard to believe it just now.
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:54 PM   #599
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I wish I knew the tight words to say Angelrose, but I can't even pretend to know how bad it must hurt.
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:58 PM   #600
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Quote:
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I kept busy today and that helped. Tonight a man called about my finances. Just to tell me his name and if I have any questions to give him a call. He mentioned speaking to Ronald. That is my son's first name also, but he goes by his middle name. That was all it took. For a fraction of a second, I thought he meant Ron. I could hardly finish the conversation with him and I'm sure I was rather short with him. I cried and cried after that.
First of all, I'm glad the car isn't as bad as you thought. I hope the price isn't too bad.

Did you give this man much information? You need to check with your son to make sure he did talk with this man. Is it possible he got the name Ronald from the newspaper obituary? I hate to say that but I've heard of too many scams. They like to "strike" when someone is at their least vulnerable. So keep your guard up and make sure they really are who they are. Confirm numbers through the phone book or legitimate Internet search engines or pages.

Quote:
I read in the grieving pamphlets that the first step in getting over grief is to accept that fact of the death. I can't do that and I don't WANT to do that right now. I just know he is going to come down the stairs or come in the computer room to say goodnight to me. He's just away for a few days, that's all. If I think any other way then I won't be able to stop crying. I never knew pain and loss like this. Even when my mom and dad died. I cried and I missed them, but not like this.
There really isn't a time frame on when you have to go through all the stages. Ron's death is still very new and fresh. You don't have to accept it yet. In 6 months or a year we might be saying something different and start encouraging you to seek professional help to accept it. It never is easy to accept the death of a loved one or even someone who was a constant in our lives.

I know you may get tired of me saying this, but I do think you should go to grief counseling through Hospice. They really are amazing and they know every single thought and feeling you are having. The individual counselors are amazing as are the group sessions. In the group sessions you may find the perfect friend to help one another through this. Or you may find a friend who is a few months ahead of you in the grieving process who can "hold your hand" and lead you through the process, which might also help them with their healing process too.

Thank you for keeping us updated because we do care about you and want to know how you are doing.
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