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Old 09-21-2008, 06:36 PM   #1
disneygal2007
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Need help with my son.

Hello all. I am having some problems with my son who just turned 9 last week.

Well I'm gonna start it like this. I had a son from my first marriage and his birth father is now in prison for the rest of his life. Well my son has so many of his mannerisms. He hasn't been in his life since he was 10 months old so he doesn't know him at all. My husband now has always been dad we even gave my son DH middle name when he adopted him. This is really scary to me.

DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.

I just don't know what to do. I just look at the F's he brings home and all I could do is shake my head and walk away. Every time I see the school phone number on caller ID my hearts stops. Now I know I sound funny saying this. But he isn't a bad kid. He is really funny and gets excited about things we do in like. He is really a family boy. I just don't know what to do with him in school. If someone can help me give me advise that is new that would be great. I am loosing my baby. I want him to to get out of that kid no one wants in their class. I want him to shine at school like he shines at home. TIA Disneygal.
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:39 PM   #2
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does he see anyone? counselor? i think thats where i would start.
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:50 PM   #3
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Counseling sounds like a very good idea. It sounds like both of you are going through a lot right now. Your school district should be able to recommend a good family counselor that would be able to help both of you.
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:53 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by disneygal2007 View Post
Hello all. I am having some problems with my son who just turned 9 last week.

Well I'm gonna start it like this. I had a son from my first marriage and his birth father is now in prison for the rest of his life. Well my son has so many of his mannerisms. He hasn't been in his life since he was 10 months old so he doesn't know him at all. My husband now has always been dad we even gave my son DH middle name when he adopted him. This is really scary to me.

DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.

I just don't know what to do. I just look at the F's he brings home and all I could do is shake my head and walk away. Every time I see the school phone number on caller ID my hearts stops. Now I know I sound funny saying this. But he isn't a bad kid. He is really funny and gets excited about things we do in like. He is really a family boy. I just don't know what to do with him in school. If someone can help me give me advise that is new that would be great. I am loosing my baby. I want him to to get out of that kid no one wants in their class. I want him to shine at school like he shines at home. TIA Disneygal.
Your son is acting out just as my former stepdaughter did at just that age. She was abandoned by her biological mom at the tender age of 1 1/2. When I got her at 4, she and her dad were doing the best they could. My advice to you is to make sure your son is on a strict schedule. This has to be on weekends and weekdays. My stepdaughter was ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so we had our challenges. If he acts out in school, let the school handle it. Unless it is a major offense, don't let the punishment carry over to the home. When I say major, I include disrespect and fighting and the like in major offenses, but talking and such in the stuff that should be handled at school. As for the school work...Ask for a meeting with the Student Support Team. There is some reason why the work is so far below par. They can help you with this. He may be put in a collabrative setting where he gets more one on one attention to work on his school work. If I can help you any more, just PM me.
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:58 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by disneygal2007 View Post
DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.
I just don't know what to do. Disneygal.
Oh my! You seriously need to find a good family therapist. Someone who can help you learn effective discipline as well as strategies to help your son become successful. Good for you that you realize that things aren't working now take the necessary step to get professional help.

"Beating" a strong willed, difficult child is the worst possible strategy. It is done out of the parent's frustration and is counterproductive. There is plenty of research to support this opinion.
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Old 09-21-2008, 07:06 PM   #6
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We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


We are military and the hospital here leaves so much to be desired. I talk to DH a few weeks ago about paying for help for him. I just want him to succeed. This kid uses huge words I mean stuff that a normal nine year old wouldn't use so I know he could do the work. I just don't know how to get him to realize how important school is.
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Old 09-21-2008, 07:23 PM   #7
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We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.
Google ODD and you will find lots of reading and research based strategies to try. Be consistent and again find a good family therapist. This will not get better or be outgrown- get help now for your family's sake but mostly for your sons.
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Old 09-21-2008, 07:29 PM   #8
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Former teacher here - You need to set up a face to face meeting with the teacher. You should also ask that the school counselor be there. They need to give you a plan on how to improve his grades, and you need to follow through. More than likely, you are going to need to have one quiet place where he does homework. If he is getting F's, you really need to help him and make sure he is doing the work. The school also needs a plan. Teachers don't like it when their kids are getting F's. It means they are not getting through to that kid. As others have suggested, have a routine when he gets home - snack and then homework.

I also second that if at all possible, you get outside therapy for both of you.

One other teacher note - One of the best things you can do is read to your child - even at 9. It improves their reading comprehension and gives you valuable one on one time. The books should be slightly harder than they can read on their own.

Good luck!
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Old 09-21-2008, 07:44 PM   #9
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I am military also with a child that has ADHD, have you taken him to EFMP - they will be able to help you more with his needs than the regular pediatric clinic. There is also militaryonesource.com and they can get you into counseling without it going into his medical records. Second, I would (in writing) request and IEP assesment at his school based on his medical diagnosis (if you do not already have this). Third - his meds may not be at the right dosage OR and this is a big OR - it may not be the right meds for him (there are other really good med out there)and it took well over a year for the Dr to tweek and get the right meds for my son. To medicate or not is your decision (I however feel that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and I would not deny my child insulin if he had diabetes - therefore I am not denying him his meds for this either-just my opinion).

AND then one of the most important things for you to do for yourself and him is to EDUCATE YOURSELF on his diagnosis. There are really great books out there for you to read.
Also understand that when our husbands are deployed (mine has been gone since Jan) that some of his issues could be because of dad not being home...and there are services for you and your children to help learn new coping strategies for this deployment AND reintegration.

Good Luck - PM me is you need anything or just want to talk.

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Old 09-21-2008, 08:23 PM   #10
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Best wishes for you and him

I would also have him tested for dyslexia. Many people with dyslexia have higher than average intelligence, but do poorly in school, especially if it's not diagnosed.

Also, try your best not to define him by his biological father's reputation. Luckily for your boy, that man wasn't an influence on your child's life. There is always the debate between Nature vs. Nurture, but I also don't believe any child was "born bad."

Besides testing for dyslexia, I would agree he may be acting out because of the deployment of the dad he knows and the "abandonment" of the original dad. Not a real abandonment, but it may feel like one emotionally to a 9 y.o.
Again, an area for a professional counselor to help you.

Best wishes for the both of you.
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Old 09-21-2008, 08:41 PM   #11
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We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


We are military and the hospital here leaves so much to be desired. I talk to DH a few weeks ago about paying for help for him. I just want him to succeed. This kid uses huge words I mean stuff that a normal nine year old wouldn't use so I know he could do the work. I just don't know how to get him to realize how important school is.
I could have written your posts (well, apart from that "beating" him thing, but I understand your frustration). Please look into Asperger's Syndrome, as my son was also misdiagnosed with ADD and we went through much of what you have....
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Old 09-21-2008, 08:43 PM   #12
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Thank you everyone for your responses. PilotWife I will get in contact with you. I am a army wife but I really don't know allot about the Army. My husband was a Marine before he joined the Army so I mainly know about that stuff. I have looked up ODD and wow slap in the face. That's him. Gave me chills. I am going to the school with in the next few days and have a talk with them. I just have to put in words what I want to say. I'm the kind of person when I get upset or emotional I cry. So if I go in there with a game plan I should be fine. Plus I want to talk to DH and get his point of view and she him the ODD website. You guys have been very helpful. I am gonna look into getting more help. I know he can do it I just have to find the right help.

I know he can read the stuff he is given cause he loves to read books about spider man and I just went upstairs and caught him reading a HSM book he got at the book fair. I will keep this post updated. Thank u so so much. I was at a stand still on what do do.

Sonya
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Old 09-21-2008, 08:50 PM   #13
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I could have written your posts (well, apart from that "beating" him thing, but I understand your frustration). Please look into Asperger's Syndrome, as my son was also misdiagnosed with ADD and we went through much of what you have....
I feel bad for saying beating. To me that is a few swats on the Butt. I never hit my kids so that I think what did it. I yelled and was really mad and I think that's what did it. I don't like people that lie and steal and I think he heard me on the phone with a friend cause he woke up the next day and asked me if I hated him? I asked him why would he say that and he said he heard me on the phone and he didn't want me to hate him. So after that day I haven't had any problems with that. I should have clarified the beating thing. Sorry
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Old 09-21-2008, 08:56 PM   #14
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When you work with him on homework and school stuff at home; does it seem like he's getting it? I mean, he may just need some extra help with stuff, and extra help in explaining on more of a one on one basis. I know it can take up a lot of time for you, but that may just be what he needs the most. If it were me, I'd start sitting with him for all of his homework every night, and going through it with him to make sure he's getting it and is doing it the correct way. I'm not sure how well taking away things will work, if he's not understanding something. I mean it definetly depends on what's going on, but at 2nd grade it seems like it'd be less of an he just doesn't want to do it thing, and more of either not understanding or maybe just him needing to understand how important it is that he does well, which I think would start with you sitting with him for all his homework, which might work in 2 ways, one you'll know it's being done correctly and 2, he probably won't like it, so it may give him the motivation to start doing his work well on his own. I have a first grader, and I know sometimes it can take a lot of time, especially when you have other kids, but I really think it's probably the best. Mine was out of school for 4 days and he had a lot of homework to get caught up on, and our last 2 weekends weren't that fun, and there was definetely some attitude and it was very time consuming, but he has to do it. I know a 2nd grader has more homework than a 1st grader, but I still think it's the best thing you can do, and maybe try to have a lot of communication with his teacher to see where the problem is. Good luck!
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:00 PM   #15
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Oh, also, if you don't think he needs his meds, then I would definetly take him off of them, you never know what kind of role drugs are playing in the situation, and if you don't think he really needs to be on them, that'd be my first step.
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