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Old 01-31-2008, 11:35 PM   #1
I'mNoPrince
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Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


NAME___ __________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain __________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother? _____________
Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)


To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Last edited by I'mNoPrince; 01-31-2008 at 11:59 PM.
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:44 PM   #2
Kathi OD
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If you made this up you should copyright it! I know many dads who would pay for this type of contract.
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:56 PM   #3
I'mNoPrince
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathi OD View Post
If you made this up you should copyright it! I know many dads who would pay for this type of contract.
No it was sent by a cousin in a mass E-mail. I'm thinking of Linking it to DD14s Myspace Her Boyfriend will get a look at it this weekend.

Last edited by I'mNoPrince; 02-01-2008 at 06:35 AM.
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:48 AM   #4
Scornelius
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This is absolutely hilarious!

I remember this from my early dating days! My dad gave it to my high school sweetheart, a Pentecostal son of a police sergeant! I vividly remember his answer to "In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?":

I guess that means no sex.

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Old 02-01-2008, 01:31 AM   #5
HelenePA
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have ya heard the song "cleaning this gun" by Rodney Atkins? It would fit so well with your application!
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Old 02-01-2008, 01:46 AM   #6
Barbossa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathi OD View Post
If you made this up you should copyright it! I know many dads who would pay for this type of contract.
Put me down for 30 copies!
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Old 02-01-2008, 02:40 AM   #7
maelstrom
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I guess the children of gay parents wouldn't be allowed to date your daughter... or a kid who doesn't go to church... or whose parents had pre-marital sex...
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Old 02-01-2008, 02:45 AM   #8
HelenePA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maelstrom View Post
I guess the children of gay parents wouldn't be allowed to date your daughter... or a kid who doesn't go to church... or whose parents had pre-marital sex...
Where does it say that?? the only way they aren't allowed to date the daughter is if they answered yes to any of the questions in the accessories section, because I'm sure most will check yes to having parents
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The universe is big, its vast and complicated, and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. - 11
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:05 AM   #9
romymichelle21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'mNoPrince View Post
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:46 AM   #10
SandraVB79
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They can't have pierced ears or tongue, but pierced nipples and are ok?
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:28 AM   #11
graygables
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My Dad gave me copies when my DDs were born. I've actually given them out to young men who come calling... If they don't think it's funny to start with, they aren't worth having around.

ETA: mine said "I suggest running in a serpentine pattern"
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Old 02-01-2008, 06:29 AM   #12
I'mNoPrince
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maelstrom View Post
I guess the children of gay parents wouldn't be allowed to date your daughter... or a kid who doesn't go to church... or whose parents had pre-marital sex...
Yes that is correct as well as anyone else for the 4 to 6 year processing period. Just as I would shoot and bury others that Lie to me and use a NailGun to hold their pants up as well.


Please move on if you don't get the Joke and the fun in the thing. It doesn't say any where in it about childern of Gay ,atheist or shacking up can't do anything.Maybe your reading a bit to much into it

If it has offened you in any way I am Truely Sorry.

Last edited by I'mNoPrince; 02-01-2008 at 06:37 AM.
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Old 02-01-2008, 09:17 AM   #13
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That is so funny!

Denae
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Old 02-01-2008, 11:23 AM   #14
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Is there one for dating a son???

This is great - I've sent it to my friend with daughters!
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Old 02-01-2008, 11:31 AM   #15
stahshee
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That is perfect for my dh. I saved it in his computer . He acts just like that .
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