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Old 10-08-2012, 06:10 AM   #151
Ceila
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sam_gordon View Post
You know, I've asked that question a couple times in this thread. One person has simply said "that's different", but won't explain why. Others are silent.

ETA: I think one other person did say (paraphrasing) "It's different because I didn't invite other kids." I still think the concert/Disney shirts ARE the same as a party shirt as they both say "Look what I got to do."
I don't have a problem with the shirts, but I there is a huge difference between a Disney shirt and a party shirt. Yes, in both cases someone got to go somewhere that someone else didn't. The difference is that for a party, a friend asked you to come, whereas a vacation is something you did with your family. Your family *has* to take you, lol, while your friends can pick and choose who they want to include. To a kid, there's a difference. I still don't think the shorts are bad, though, since it wasn't like only one or two kids wasn't invited.
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Old 10-08-2012, 06:49 AM   #152
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceila View Post
I don't have a problem with the shirts, but I there is a huge difference between a Disney shirt and a party shirt. Yes, in both cases someone got to go somewhere that someone else didn't. The difference is that for a party, a friend asked you to come, whereas a vacation is something you did with your family. Your family *has* to take you, lol, while your friends can pick and choose who they want to include. To a kid, there's a difference. I still don't think the shorts are bad, though, since it wasn't like only one or two kids wasn't invited.
With 'friends' being the operative word here. A 12 y/o isn't friends with everyone in the class. So it makes no sense to include everyone. The time there are hurt feelings is when you are allowed to invite 5 friends, but you really have 10 kids that are good friends, so there will be some friends that are not included. So, either invite all friends or do something more low key with just a few kids.
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Old 10-08-2012, 07:06 AM   #153
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I have an awkward, shy, not really part of the in group--ever, kind of kid.

She is 15 now. She was never invited to a lot of parties. She can get her feelings hurt easily and she was truly bullied at two schools.

In 7th grade a few of the kids came to school with matching bowling shirts with "soandso's bowling bash" on the back and their names on the front.

her reaction? She thought it was adorable and came home bubbling with what a great idea it was and how we should do that for her brother's party later that year. She even talked to some of the other kids about some of the activities at the party to get ideas. She enjoyed talking to them about that party she wasn't invited to. I was thrilled that she was "Getting it" and not thinking all woe is me all the time.


So, yes I agree with those who think it is fine and would only have an issue with it if only 1 or 2 kids from a large group were not invited OR if the girls wearing the shirt were being mean about it (and that could be wearing a certain brand or color or whatnot too and has everything to do with the kids' beahviour and not with the shirts themselves).

And "comparison is the thief of joy" is an AWESOME slogan.
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Old 10-08-2012, 07:37 AM   #154
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As children grow up, they will experience hurt feelings. Sometimes the slights will be intentional, sometimes not.

My answer to the OP's question: "Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?" is... maybe.

Yes, I am sure that the uninvited children may feel left out, but it will depend on how the adult in the situation handles it.

Personally, I would just explain that it is a fact of life that you cannot be invited to every party.

In this day and age of technology, pictures of parties and get togethers are plastered all over facebook. Is it wrong for teens to post those pictures in case someone not invited gets hurt feelings?

How about this scenario... every child from DD's class and dance troupe was invited to a friends graduation party except DD. She and the host had issues during the year but had made up. Unfortunately the other child's mother got involved in their "fight" (and tried to drag me into it also...didn't happen) Then videos of the party were put up on facebook.

My kids haven't been to any bar mitvahs yet (DD will be attending her first next weekend) but it is very popular for sweet 16's to have t shirts or sweatshirts as favors for the girls on the dais.
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Old 10-08-2012, 05:52 PM   #155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovin'fl View Post
Responding to OP...while it is inconsiderate to wear the shirt and we may choose to direct our kids in how to be considerate, we cannot 'make' others be considerate and it is a fact of life that sometimes our kids will get hurt feelings and be left out of things and some people just aren't going to like them. I want my kids to realize that's just how the cookie crumbles and there aint nothin' they can do about it.
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Wow, that's a bit snippy huh? Just because you personally find it inconsiderate doesn't mean that it is.
Let me clarify. In OP's case...if my twin girls were invited to a party only 12 of 26 girls in their grade were invited to and they were given a shirt with a photo of the 12 girls, I would tell them not to wear it to school as it may hurt the feelings of the 14 girls who didn't go. I'd tell them to consider the feelings of those 14 girls (with girls there will always be hurt feelings and this happens easily). To wear the shirt in this situation (when 50% or more of a small group are including in something) is not considering the feelings of those not invited....or...it is considering it but not caring. I am sorry if that's snippy. I wouldn't make a big deal or even care if a kid in my DDs' circle wears one of these shirts. I just wouldn't let my DDs wear one...they'd likely sleep in it.

My DDs happened to always be in a grade with way more than 26 girls and sometimes those girls would wear such shirts and/or my girls would hear about or see pictures of (with FB and instagram this happens a lot these days) their friends doing fun things in pairs/groups that my DDs were not a part of. Sometimes it hurts my DDs' feelings but they seem to get that, being in a large grade, not everyone can be invited. And I point out that they do things that others don't do.

As I said in my pp, it is just a fact of life that feelings will get hurt. There will always be disappointments in life and it's best my DDs know how to handle them.
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Last edited by lovin'fl; 10-08-2012 at 06:00 PM.
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Old 10-09-2012, 06:46 AM   #156
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Eh, at 12 or 13, if I were one of 14 not invited, I wouldn't be upset unless the party was thrown by someone I thought was a very good friend. Otherwise, I really wouldn't have cared. I remember not being invited to all of the parties in middle school, but it really didn't bother me. Really, I didn't expect to be invited to parties for people I really hardly knew, or only knew from one class or activity.

And as far as the idea that the invited/T-shirt girls can act to exclude the others, or rub their noses in the fact they weren't invited, if the non-invited girls don't demonstrate they feel envy, then any "mean girls" don't win. A clique can only exert power if the excluded harbor a desire to belong.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:22 AM   #157
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovin'fl View Post
Let me clarify. In OP's case...if my twin girls were invited to a party only 12 of 26 girls in their grade were invited to and they were given a shirt with a photo of the 12 girls, I would tell them not to wear it to school as it may hurt the feelings of the 14 girls who didn't go. I'd tell them to consider the feelings of those 14 girls (with girls there will always be hurt feelings and this happens easily). To wear the shirt in this situation (when 50% or more of a small group are including in something) is not considering the feelings of those not invited....or...it is considering it but not caring. I am sorry if that's snippy. I wouldn't make a big deal or even care if a kid in my DDs' circle wears one of these shirts. I just wouldn't let my DDs wear one...they'd likely sleep in it.

My DDs happened to always be in a grade with way more than 26 girls and sometimes those girls would wear such shirts and/or my girls would hear about or see pictures of (with FB and instagram this happens a lot these days) their friends doing fun things in pairs/groups that my DDs were not a part of. Sometimes it hurts my DDs' feelings but they seem to get that, being in a large grade, not everyone can be invited. And I point out that they do things that others don't do.

As I said in my pp, it is just a fact of life that feelings will get hurt. There will always be disappointments in life and it's best my DDs know how to handle them.
12 of 26 is not 50% or more. It is less than 50%. To be technical, it is 46.2%

Less than half of the kids were invited. No big deal on the shirt.
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