Husband Mama Drama!

[ChattaAlley]

Originally Posted by FlightlessDuck

Why do so many Community Board people have a problem with the mother-in-law?

I was wondering the same thing.

My family's problem is with my SIL. I feel sorry for my mother (her MIL) who has to put up with her. My mother is nothing but sweet and kind and my SIL is nothing but controlling, manipulative and all around not nice person. I hear it more and more about evil DIL's are now adays. I can confirm this to be true in my family. So it is hard for me to hear DIL's say hhow awful there MIL's are cause I can imagine my SIL saying the same thing and making up all sorts of untruths. But SIL has a son and I do pray that she also will get what she gives in the end and has a DIL exactly like her . It would only be fair.

The saying is true though . . .

A daughter is a daughter for all of her life
A son is a son until he takes a wife.

[Heidict]

Originally Posted by Wishing on a star

And, yes, the church thing is a huge, huge, huge, red flag.
My guess (no need to say right or wrong, or give any info) is that you are in a church where family and religion and control are all wrapped up, each one with each other. To leave family or the church would mean defying religion and risking your eternal life. Like I said... the minute the word 'church' was written into your post, it all became VERY complicated.

Huh? You do not risk "eternal life" by changing churches or by cutting off a toxic family member. Nor do you defy religion by changing churches. If that is what your church is telling you, RUN!!!! The only time I have ever heard anything so out there, it is always coming from cult. So glad that my church doesn't try to lay a guilt trip on us like that. Talk about making up your own rules as you go along. They sound all kinds of messed up.



I guess I am one of the rare dissers who gets along with her MIL so no advice for you there OP. I can't imagine having to live with someone so toxic in my life. We have managed to have our stupid family fights that have result in the silent treatment for a time, but thankfully, we have managed to mend fences and move on. Of course, it sounds like a lot of you are dealing with some real crazies and not just the normal arguments and sibling rivalry.
.

[Wishing on a star]

OMG, Heidict...
I am the one you just quoted... don't misunderstand.
I would never be involved in such a church...
But, yes, MANY are out there...
Three major "religions" (yes, in quotes) come to mind right away.

My actual thought was that the OP change churches.
So don't mis-read my comments.
But, since she clearly stated that she might be seeing her MIL at church, and did not even mention the possibility of changing churches, as a part of creating some healthy personal boundaries... Yes, the worst case scenario is exactly what has come to my mind.

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am re-reading the original post here. That often proves to be helpful!

Originally Posted by dawn1620

My question is - have any of you ever cut yourself off or been cut off from a close relative like this? My heart is not breaking by any means but I will be curious to see how she behaves if we happen to run into her at church,.....

OP, again, you KNOW who this woman is.
That isn't going to change.

If you feel that you cannot have any direct ties and interactions with this woman, and there is no 'peace' with her.

I wouldn't want to expect my daughter to be involved with that.
And, I wouldn't want my experience at church to involve that either.

It sounds like you want to have it both ways.
You want to limit your own personal contact, but still be in the same church.
You want her to 'behave'.

Sadly, it isn't usually possible to have it both ways.
To have one's cake and eat it too.
It really isn't.

[declansdad]

OP, have you and your husband work things out? Didn't he tell you he wanted a divorce earlier?

[TLSnell1981]

Originally Posted by FlightlessDuck

Why do so many Community Board people have a problem with the mother-in-law?

The MIL and DIL syndrome is ancient. Mom is the first woman in a man's life and the wife comes along years later, neither wants to share. Thus, the tug of war begins...poor husband.

[Riles_and_Gabe]

Originally Posted by CdnCarrie

Repectfully disagree. And yes it does make you a bad parent. A parent's love is unconditional. You may need to set boundaries but I would never ever cut off my child. They are a part of me. If there is crazy I would make it my life work to get them the help they need not abandon them. My child is not a DIL or a sibling. It's my child. Not the same thing at all.

ETA - I may say to a child that I do not like that you did x,y or z. Or that I don't trust you and therefore I need to set these conditions/boundaries. But I would also repeat over and over that I still love them and want to be part of their lives. And that I'm there to help them. Never on God's green earth would I refuse to call my child or take a call from them. I may politely end the call if they are being abusive or manipulative. But they would always know they can call me.

I completely agree with this!! I would always want to be a part of my child's life even if I had to make boundaries. I don't care how old the DD is, it sounds like she is hurt that her Dad has a new family.

[dawn1620]

I should clarify...she directs most of any drama that comes up to DH and I, usually some small molehill that has been turned into a mountain, DD does not get involved if it can be helped on our side. Over the past couple of years I just learned to ignore and that has worked pretty well, we only converse if necessary (usually regarding DD) or when we have to see each other socially. She is actually a very loving grandmother to DD, not too many problems really on that front. Finally found out a bit of info on this..she told DH the reason she is done with me is because she said someone told her that I said something very bad about her...which can't be true because the only person I vent about her to is my mother or DH. She won't even tell DH who or what was said so maybe this whole thing could be cleared up...but she won't budge..said she is done. If I don't know what was "said" to her how can I even respond. Maybe after she calms down after a while she will talk to DH about it, but seems doubtful at this point. She has opened back up communication to DD so I'm glad about that.

I'm sure the point of view from my MIL would be 100% different than mine, there are always two sides to each story. We both carried a lot of anger and frustration over the years but I've just learned to let go things I can't control.

DH and I did have a very hard time for a while, he had come out and said he wanted a divorce a while back (long story in itself) but through counseling and lots of communication we have managed to get our marriage back on track.

[ready123go]

Originally Posted by dawn1620

My question is - have any of you ever cut yourself off or been cut off from a close relative like this? My heart is not breaking by any means but I will be curious to see how she behaves if we happen to run into her at church, ect. The whole thing is just nuts.

About 7 years ago, I started taking a long, hard look at all of my primary relationships. The result was a serious culling of deadwood from my and my DH's lives.

Long story, short - I cut out a good friend & the social circle that came with her. I cut out my older brother & his wife. My father & SM have never been involved in my life, so no real loss there. I also cut out my former favorite cousin along with her young daughter and her mother (my aunt). The only people I speak with in my family are my younger brother and one Auntie.

My husband cut out his mother & FIL. My husband also cut his brother & his brother's wife out.

Tough calls, all of them, but cleaning house was the best thing we ever did. Our marriage has improved a immensely. Both our attitudes have vastly improved. Our finances have improved. Our vacations have improved. My health has improved, as well.

My mantra during that trying time was a quote from William Gibson, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *******s."

Not the choice for everyone, but it has worked wonders for us. Good luck with your situation

[Disney Doll]

Originally Posted by ChattaAlley

I was wondering the same thing.

My family's problem is with my SIL. I feel sorry for my mother (her MIL) who has to put up with her. My mother is nothing but sweet and kind and my SIL is nothing but controlling, manipulative and all around not nice person. I hear it more and more about evil DIL's are now adays. I can confirm this to be true in my family. So it is hard for me to hear DIL's say hhow awful there MIL's are cause I can imagine my SIL saying the same thing and making up all sorts of untruths. But SIL has a son and I do pray that she also will get what she gives in the end and has a DIL exactly like her . It would only be fair.

The saying is true though . . .

A daughter is a daughter for all of her life
A son is a son until he takes a wife.

You know, I hate that saying.
Because it's not true.
I was a DIL for 10 years until my MIL died.
I liked her.
We got along.
I never kept DH from her.
Actually, I helped DH take care of her till she died.


I say to all mothers that if your son is ignoring you, then blame your son, not his wife.

Ultimately he is the one who decides what he is going to do.

[ZachnElli]

Originally Posted by Disney Doll

You know, I hate that saying.
Because it's not true.
I was a DIL for 10 years until my MIL died.
I liked her.
We got along.
I never kept DH from her.
Actually, I helped DH take care of her till she died.


I say to all mothers that if your son is ignoring you, then blame your son, not his wife.

Ultimately he is the one who decides what he is going to do.

So true! I spent the first 10 years buying my MIL presents, sending the flowers, reminding my DH to call, but she treated me (and her other DIL and son-in-law) like crap, so I stopped. DH is a grown man he can do it himself. My sil felt the same way. One Christmas we had it at SIL's house, her other DIL's, MIL showed up 2 hours late (and she set the time) complained about the food being cold, we tried to keep it warm, she had met some woman who would be "perfect" for her son, you know the DIL's husband who was having Christmas and she went on and on about him needing to call her or meet her! At Christmas, in their house and in front of there 3 kids! And she says this saying all the time! No accountability for her behavior at all!
And on the opposite end, I think my parents wish it were true sometimes because my brother is always over there! LOL! They did NOT lose a son!

[hellow]

Originally Posted by ready123go

My mantra during that trying time was a quote from William Gibson, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *******s."

I have never heard that before, but I LOVE it!

OP: I have cut my father out of my life. Actually, I am just not making any effort to contact him, but I will be civil if he calls me (which is very seldom). I have spent decades letting him make me feel so bad about myself. I struggled, thinking I needed to be a good daughter and just look beyond the things he did to me. However, one last straw made me realize that I needed to remove him from my life. I am over 50 years old, and now that I have made the decision, I don't miss him or have any regrets. I am actually surprised at how little it has affected me. It took me too long to learn that sometimes certain people do more harm than good to you. And just because they are your mother or father (or any family member) doesn't mean you HAVE to put up with their toxicity.

[Dancind]

Sadly, we have very little family left that there is a relationship with. My Mom died 20 years ago, and my Dad and SM moved to NV so Dad can play cards. Mom was the one that held the family together, I talk to Dad once a month or so.

I have two brothers, one I have cut off so as not to be an enabler. Drug problems, and he has never supported himself at age 55. Was very close to the other brother's family until they split up three years ago. DD and my niece were like sisters, but SIL cut us off because I wouldn't cut out my brother. Told me I had to choose. Maybe I chose wrong, don't have much in common with the new younger Vietnamese GF (who barely speaks english) but former SIL is really crazy so avoided that stress.

Since my Mom died, we have spent most Thanksgivings and Christmas Eve with DH's family. His Mom was a sweet lady, but not ambulatory for the past 25 years. DH was in business with SIL and two brothers, his license. SIL was the bookkeeper and took advantage (long story) and the company went under in Dec. 2011. DH and I settled with the IRS and took over the expenses of the office/warehouse building which was in our name. Refinanced our home to do this. MIL died recently and SIL gets the family home, worth about $500k. Her family has cut us off since we "got" the building. That's fine. I doubt we will be invited for holidays any more, though.

I feel bad because our only daughter has run out of family. She has two grown half brothers in another state with families that we see when we can. She will have to move there eventually unless she marries a guy with a nice family!