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Old 07-08-2013, 10:39 PM   #16
MomRN
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As a nurse, I see this situation often. Family lives off their relatives, although it's truly not safe. However, if she is still competent, there's not much anyone can do. Be there for her, eventually she will realize she needs it.
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Old 09-08-2013, 05:30 AM   #17
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Quick update. Mom is getting worse (really no surprise) We hired an agency to come in and help her 4 days a week. She stopped showering and she is not eating right. We recently found out she had not changed her sheets in months.
The idiot is still there and they fought us tooth and nail last week over having someone come in, but we held our ground and basically said...tough...My brother that has the POA is going to visit her today (I was there Friday..with the aid) and the aid is a lovey woman..mom seemed to like her. Mom is still telling us she is ok and doesn't need help because the idiot can help her....which would be great...if he really DID help!
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Old 09-09-2013, 07:35 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by kacaju View Post
Long story short'
Mom has dementia, Mom lives with freeloading alcoholic brother who claims he takes care of her (which he does not)

Mom NEEDS to be in an Assisted Living place where her needs can be met. Brother underminds the rest of us (siblings) and is keeping mom at home so he can live his freeloading life.

Mom has no interest in anything my kids do as far as activities so I do not see her as much because my weekends are pretty much booked up.

Over the weekend Mom decided she wanted to go to the ALP and by yesterday changed her mind (a pattern she does all the time, because the brother talks her out of it)

So yesterday I was accused of...not caring about her, wanting to *put her away, because I have no time for her. and maybe I should stop doing so much for my children. oh and being told why is it ok for ME to have a life...but I am not OK with her having a life...

I know in my heart this is the brother talking not her.. know with the Dementia she ill...it is the end of school year...I work in a school.. I am so over booked right now due to normal end of school year stuff. (and this week is the worse) and this just really hit me hard. I go out of my way to schedule Dr appts for her and help out as much as I can.
It just really, really hurt
Sorry about all of this. My Grandmother has advanced dementia. We finally had her placed in an assisted living place two weeks ago. It got to the point where she was calling the kids asking to "go home" even though she was home. She had no idea where she was. She would walk out of the place she lived (an over 55 community) and walk up the street and someone would have to get her. One thing about dementia patients which you are experiencing now is that they go though a mean period. I know it's hard but try not to take it personally. The sad thing is often times they really aren't aware of what they are saying or doing.
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Old 09-09-2013, 07:47 AM   #19
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Quick update. Mom is getting worse (really no surprise) We hired an agency to come in and help her 4 days a week. She stopped showering and she is not eating right. We recently found out she had not changed her sheets in months.
The idiot is still there and they fought us tooth and nail last week over having someone come in, but we held our ground and basically said...tough...My brother that has the POA is going to visit her today (I was there Friday..with the aid) and the aid is a lovey woman..mom seemed to like her. Mom is still telling us she is ok and doesn't need help because the idiot can help her....which would be great...if he really DID help!

This sounds so much like what was happening with my Grandmother. And my Grandmother (now 94) should have been in an assisted living facility several years ago, but my mother's siblings fought it and said it would be "cruel" to ship her off to one of those places, but yet it was my mother that was doing most of the caring of her. Finally my mother forced the issue. And like your mother, she also stopped changing clothes, sheets and sometimes even forgot to eat. Even with aids there more frequently. As hard as it is, there comes a time where there really is no choice but to place them in an assisted living place. It isn't cruel, it is giving them the help they need.
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Old 09-09-2013, 09:03 PM   #20
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This sounds so much like what was happening with my Grandmother. And my Grandmother (now 94) should have been in an assisted living facility several years ago, but my mother's siblings fought it and said it would be "cruel" to ship her off to one of those places, but yet it was my mother that was doing most of the caring of her. Finally my mother forced the issue. And like your mother, she also stopped changing clothes, sheets and sometimes even forgot to eat. Even with aids there more frequently. As hard as it is, there comes a time where there really is no choice but to place them in an assisted living place. It isn't cruel, it is giving them the help they need.
Thanks....It really means a lot to have others understand. We have plans to get her into a home...just not sure because the idiot is in our way.
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:30 PM   #21
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This is such a difficult situation.. As you know, I am right there with you..
I am going to place my mother, and probably have the evil stepfather never speak to me again.

However, I can no longer sit and watch her die at home, with him giving her any pill or anything she wants.

I wish I had something magical to say.. I give you giant giant hugs and a shoulder anytime.. It is out of love that we have to do what we have to do..
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:52 PM   #22
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Quick update. Mom is getting worse (really no surprise) We hired an agency to come in and help her 4 days a week. She stopped showering and she is not eating right. We recently found out she had not changed her sheets in months.
The idiot is still there and they fought us tooth and nail last week over having someone come in, but we held our ground and basically said...tough...My brother that has the POA is going to visit her today (I was there Friday..with the aid) and the aid is a lovey woman..mom seemed to like her. Mom is still telling us she is ok and doesn't need help because the idiot can help her....which would be great...if he really DID help!
Well, at least you got an aide to help her. Maybe aide will see that your Mom needs to be somewhere they can take care of her. Maybe she'll listen to a non-relative.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:17 AM   #23
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Thanks....It really means a lot to have others understand. We have plans to get her into a home...just not sure because the idiot is in our way.
Sounds like the same situation we went through with my aunts and uncle. Finally my mother had to force the issue.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:41 AM   #24
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Thanks....It really means a lot to have others understand. We have plans to get her into a home...just not sure because the idiot is in our way.
I had to share this with you as I know you would understand. After finally getting my 94 year old Grandmother with advanced dementia in a facility that can care for her, my mother's youngest sister, against the wishes of all other children, has just made arrangements to have my Grandmother brought back "home". The last months she was there, anytime someone would come visit, she would ask when she was going home (even though she was home). My mother would have to go over there (my mom is not in great health herself) 3-4 times a week, sometimes in the middle of the night, to help calm her down or shower her and clean the waste off her because she couldn't make it to the bathroom. Needless to say everyone is very upset with my aunt for doing it. And she isn't doing it because she thinks it's better for my Grandmother, SHE can't handle the fact she's there and can't live her life without the comfort of her "being there". So since she's taken it upon herself to do this, she is in charge of going to help when needed.
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Old 09-22-2013, 11:20 PM   #25
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How are you doing with Mom and everything?

Think of you A LOT, as I am right there with you in this situation.
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:13 AM   #26
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How are you doing with Mom and everything?

Think of you A LOT, as I am right there with you in this situation.
((HUGS)) Thanks, Mom seems to be doing better. Al least the 5-10 phone calls she was making to my brother with the POA have stopped! 9 OUT OF 10 of those calls were about money...because the brother that lives with her is always in need of money.
The aide is really helping mom, mom still can get stubborn about showering and eating...but we do understand this is also part of the dementia. I put in an application for an adult day center close to mom and I went to their open house. The place is wonderful and step 2 is to have her dr fill out the health form.
I will bring that to her dr on Tuesday and go visit mom. I may need to go shopping for her because when I spoke to her yesterday my brother told her there was enough food in the house and he didn't feel like shopping...well isn't that nice of him...mom has no bread (so she says) she told me he said there is enough frozen food for her to eat.
Mom always has frozen food in the fridge because I strongly suspect she can not longer remember how to use the microwave and she does not use the stove.
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Old 09-23-2013, 12:23 PM   #27
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That sounds positive!!!!!!

Except for the food part.

Hugs and strength to you
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:06 PM   #28
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spoke to Mom and the aide today. I told them both to make a shopping list and I will shop tomorrow. When I spoke to the aide..I told her to please go through moms pantry and talk to mom about what things she can make mom for lunch..mom is happy to eat cream cheese and jelly everyday so we really need to push her to eat better...hopefully I will have a ncie list tomorrow!!
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:37 PM   #29
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It sounds like your mom is an enabler to your brother. I hate to say this but make sure you keep medical records because I'm sure your brother will convince her to will him everything.
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Old 10-03-2013, 09:35 AM   #30
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It sounds like your mom is an enabler to your brother. I hate to say this but make sure you keep medical records because I'm sure your brother will convince her to will him everything.
Will has been done years ago.. a different brother has the POA. thanks! We are ok on that end..it is just the two of them are so enabling to each other that we cannot get them apart. Mom is getting worse..so I do fear the time will come sooner rather then later that we will have to really force the issue.
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