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Old 02-26-2014, 10:25 PM   #871
buzz1121
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Originally Posted by pkondz View Post

Samoas were #2???
I'll take the rest though! But you'll have to tell me what I owe you. 'k?
But Ruby likes coconut, right?
And no way am I telling you anything about money. Who has been entertaining whom with a great European TR? It's the least you deserve after the extended battle with the evil suitcase of back doom!


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I remember that!
Me too! I loved that scene in the movie!
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:39 PM   #872
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Originally Posted by jedijill View Post
I was going to ask what was wrong with Nebo than I just shook my head.

Jill in CO
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I suspected that is what he might say. Sigh, you tell him I said what more could I expect from Mr. Cranky Pants?
curmudgeon!
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:26 PM   #873
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Originally Posted by smidgy View Post
okey doke, I just asked nebo. his response : "I don't like girl scout cookies". sigh.. how fitting!
Of course he did! There's a word I'm trying to think of here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jedijill View Post
I was going to ask what was wrong with Nebo than I just shook my head.


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Originally Posted by buzz1121 View Post
I suspected that is what he might say. Sigh, you tell him I said what more could I expect from Mr. Cranky Pants?
Mr. Cranky Pants? Hmmm... close. Still not the word I'm looking for.

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Originally Posted by buzz1121 View Post
But Ruby likes coconut, right?
And no way am I telling you anything about money. Who has been entertaining whom with a great European TR? It's the least you deserve after the extended battle with the evil suitcase of back doom!
Actually... I don't think she's a big fan of coconut either.
She will eat it though, I think.

And I will gratefully and semi-gracefully shut my mouth.

Speaking of battles with evil suitcases... Chapter coming up.


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curmudgeon!
That's the word!
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:27 PM   #874
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Communication Breakdown

Let's see.... where was I?

Hmmm....

Venice, if I recall.

Last full day of vacation before we head back, I think.

Oh, right. Now I remember.
In agony, curled up on the bathroom floor.

Odd how I'd forget a silly little thing like that, isn't it?


Imagine this.
You're strolling along, on a bright, warm, sunny day.
The air is fresh.
The flowers are blooming.
Small woodland creatures cavort playfully....

Okay, maybe I'm going a bit overboard there.
Let's back up a tad.

You're strolling along, enjoying the day, when.... wham!
A stranger (or perhaps it's someone you know? Hmmm???) leaps out of nowhere and stabs you in the lower back!
But he's not done.
He keeps his hand on the knife hilt... and twists.
(The knife that is... unless the assaulter is Chubby Checker... and no, it's not.)

Got it?
Good.
That's pretty much what it felt like.

You try standing while this is going on!


When I discerned, to my dismay, that remaining vertical would be somewhat of a challenge,
even with help from a flimsily attached wall sink.
I had no choice but to, as they say, 'hit the deck'.

Who says that anyway?
Sailors, I imagine.

I think, in writing this, it's bringing back some not-so-wonderful memories and it's making me a tad queasy.
Like sea sick.
Sailors.

See?


Sorry.


So.

I quickly discovered that while I was curled up in a fetal position, my new found friend,
the imaginary assailant with the stiletto (knife... not shoes),
while still sadistically leaving the knife in my back, was at least refraining from twisting it!

Actually, I wasn't quite in a fetal position.
When I collapsed, I went down on my hands and knees.

It's as far as I could go.
I think, if I'd been able to, I might've flopped onto my side, but that just wasn't going to happen.

I was on my hands and knees... and I was stuck.
I couldn't move in any direction, without Mack the Knife swinging by with an exclamation mark.


There have been times in my life... as there is in most folks lives.
Times when I've had an upset stomach.
Could be something I ate.
Could be a stomach bug.
Whatever.
Sometimes, it hurts.

I strongly suspect that Ruby thought it was one of those times.
I heard her not-overly concerned voice ask, "Are you all right?"

"No!" I gasped through gritted teeth. "Help!"

Probably not what she wanted to hear.
Probably what no spouse ever wants to hear, but particularly not while on vacation.
In a strange country.
Where you don't even speak the language.


While keeping my entire body as immobile as possible,
I managed to rotate 180 degrees and face the door.
Reaching up to the door handle to unlock the door was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
There were harder things to come.

I could do three things.
I could move my arms.
I could move my feet.
I could move my head... a little.

Anything else was a new adventure in pain.


When Ruby opened the door, I was able to slowly, gingerly crawl back to the bed.
But then I was stuck.
How was I going to get up on the bed???

I crawled up to the bed and lay my head on the mattress.
With a lot of straining, and with sweat pouring off of me,
I managed to s l o w l y wedge one elbow up the side of the mattress until it was all the way up.
Repeat for the other elbow.

By the time all this was done, I was totally exhausted and lay my head down on my arms.
After about a minute or so of rest, it was time for the next step.

I was not looking forward to it.

Without too much trouble, I managed to straighten my arms out in front of me.

And when I say "Without too much trouble",
I mean that while Mack twisted the knife back and forth, he hummed a pleasant little tune.
Made it more bearable that way.

Once I had my arms outstretched it was time for calisthenics.
Ruby grabbed my wrists and pulled, while I pushed off the floor with my toes.

Yes, it sounds ridiculous.
Odd, though. I wasn't laughing at the time.

Eventually, between the two of us, I got myself back onto the bed.
Now I just had to turn 90 degrees and roll over.
That was easy.
All it took was a little effort and about half an hour of exertion.

Okay, I'm exaggerating.
It only took about twenty minutes.


Want some fun? Lie on your stomach on your couch and try to roll over.
Not easy right? There's not much room on a couch to roll over.
Now try it without using your arms and legs.
Just about impossible, right?
"Now wait a second!" You might be thinking. "He said it was his back. Why can't I use my arms and legs?"
Because the difficulty level is fairly even.
And if I told you to not use any back or core muscles you wouldn't be able to.
You use those muscles all the time without realizing it.
You'd roll over and think you hadn't used your back... but you would have.

Trust me.


Once I was safely ensconced back in bed, the pain eased off considerably.
Mack would only come by when I moved.
You know. Like when I'd try to shift around. Or breathe.

Now to dispell any hope that you might still have that somehow I magically was able to save the day.
That somehow we were able to see the sights and do the things we wanted to do.

Alas, no.

What we did instead was have a nice day filled with stress, frustration and anxiety.
Especially for Ruby.
Which really pains me to say.
It's bad enough when you are in pain. But to cause pain to your spouse?

It bothers me to even write that.


It quickly became apparent that there were two issues.
One was that I needed a doctor, and there was no way I could get to one.
Two was that there was an excellent chance that I wouldn't be able to make our flight home the next day.


We have travel medical coverage through my work.
I always make sure that when we do travel, that I have the little card with me with all the emergency phone numbers on it.

You know those little booklets you find in a lot of hotels these days?
The ones which list all the hotel amenities?
Pool hours. Laundry service. Parking regulations. How to reach the front desk.

How to make long distance phone calls.

This hotel was very quaint.
Rustic yet elegant.
Updated yet ageless.
Phones, but no phone instructions.

Ruby went downstairs to enquire at the front desk on how to make a call.
When she returned, she had all the instructions.
Shame it didn't work.
Back down to the front desk.
Front desk assures her that this is how to make a call.
Back up to the room.
No luck.

Eventually, we are able to make the call.
I don't remember if it was with operator assistance or not.
But it didn't matter... the number we were trying to call wasn't working anyway.
Okay, let's try the toll free North America number.
Doesn't work.
After probably somewhere in the neighbourhood of fifteen minutes of dialing,
we try the "local" (in Canada) number and finally reach someone.

Is it weird that even though we needed to reach them,
all I could hear was "ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching" as long distance charges piled up.

Ruby was able to get another number that we were told was
a) Toll free. And;
b) Would actually work.
Miracles of miracles, it did.

So all our problems were solved right?
The professionals were now in control.
Medical experts from all over Europe would swoop down on Venice
and have me back on my feet, pain free, in mere moments.







Sorry.

This is what we got.
We got instructions that no matter what we did, we'd have to call our insurance agency beforehand.
Want to see a doctor? Call first.
Want to go to the hospital? Call first.
Want to have a medical procedure done? Any procedure? Call first.
Want immediate, lifesaving, emergency surgery? Call first.


I was beginning to wonder what the bigger 'pain' was.

Can you get us a doctor?
No.
Can you get us a phone number for a doctor?
No.
Can you help us in any way, shape or form?
No.
Okay! Thanks a bunch! You've been awesome!!!!


So Ruby goes back downstairs to the front desk to ask about getting a doctor.
When she asked about getting a doctor, she was told to go to the hospital and take one.
"You want me to just go to the hospital and take a doctor?" She queried.
"Yes." Came the reply.
"I don't know about your laws here in Italy." She said. "But where I come from, that's called kidnapping."

At least, even in times of stress, Ruby has a bit of a sense of humour.
Then again, she laughs about it now, but maybe not so much at the time.

Finally, the front desk attendant agreed to make some calls and get us a doctor.
This turned out to be more difficult than we thought.

You see, there was a city holiday.
So all the doctors were out of the city.
Oh, and the holiday wasn't even today. It was tomorrow.

Can you imagine?
"Yes, hello. I'd like to make an appointment to see a doctor?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. But no doctor will be in today, because it's a holiday tomorrow."

uh.... what?

Then again, it makes for an awfully short work week, doesn't it?


Eventually, we were told that an English speaking (yay!) doctor would be able to come by at two o'clock.
Nothing to do now but wait.
Oh, and for Ruby to almost have a nervous breakdown.


Ruby had to deal with several things at once.
None of them fun.
She had a husband who may or may not be mobile in the coming days.
She had an insurance company that wanted to approve everything.
She didn't know if she'd have to start rescheduling or cancelling flights
And she had hungry kids.

While I was concentrating on remaining absolutely still, Ruby was texting family back home.
She was arranging for my sister to meet the kids in Toronto.
And she was arranging for my parents to meet them back in Winnipeg.
And of course for them to stay with my folks until such time as I would be well enough to travel.

The kids were getting hungry and Ruby had to wait for the doctor to arrive.

So the kids set out on their own to do a little shopping and dining.

Ruby was beside herself with worry.
Not for me.
Heck, I'm a big ol' lump who'll get better sooner or later.
But the kids are out there all alone in a strange city with bewildering streets and a foreign language.
What if they get lost?
Or grabbed?
Or hurt?
Or a myriad of other problems that only a worried mother can imagine.


Just the other day, I asked the girls what their favorite day of the trip was.
Their answer?
"The last day! When you were sick!"

Gee. It's nice to feel wanted, ya know?

"We got to do whatever we wanted!"
"I found my T-shirt!"
"I found that purse!"
"It was great!"
"We had Chinese Pizza!"

No, I didn't know what 'Chinese Pizza' was either, at the time.
I'll get to that.

In any event, while Ruby was worrying herself to the edge of insanity,
the kids were out gallivanting and having a wonderful time!


Don't have kids.
Rotten little ingrates.


Actually, it made me quite proud as a parent that we'd raised our children with enough confidence
to handle a situation like that with alacrity instead of fear and dread.


At two o'clock, the doctor arrived.

I know. I know. You're all shocked to your very cores.
"But... but... the doctor said he'd be there at two o'clock!
And it's only two o'clock!! Doctors are supposed to be late!
It's a rule!!!"

I dunno. Maybe they have different rules over there.
I'm telling you, the guy was on time.
And I'm not typing this with my fingers crossed.
If I was, it'd read: I;'j rekkujr y7iujm rue dkidrioe was ioj rujme.

And of course my toes aren’t' crossed. How else would I hold my drink?


Two o'clock and the doctor arrives.
He speaks English way, way better than I speak Italian,
but he still has some difficulty communicating with us.
I'm not faulting him (if it's anyone's fault, it's mine. After all, I'm in his country),
especially considering he was trying to discuss a medical condition using
medical terms that aren't necessarily taught in English for Italians 101.

He eventually gets across that he doesn't think it's the spine, but the muscle.
He wants to know if he can give me a shot.
But he can't explain what the shot is.
Ruby calls the insurance company.
She tells them that the doctor wants to give me a needle.
She tells them she has no idea what's in the needle.
They tell her to go ahead.
(See? Aren't they amazing? Who knows what would have happened without them???)

At that stage, if the doctor had said, "This is going to help... but it will cause temporary blindness,
make your skin turn blue and take five years off your life."
I probably still would've told him to go ahead.

To this day, I have no idea what he gave me.
He then gave me a prescription for some anti-inflammatory meds and a patch.
("Hello insurance? Can I get these? Yes? Gee, what a surprise.")

We still hadn't made any decisions re: flight(s) home.
I was starting to feel a little better and told Ruby to not make any decisions just yet.

I was going to try....

To sit up.

I got to work.
Step one: roll onto side.
Step two: wedge arm under body to act as lever.
Step three: push with both arms to upright, sitting position.

Darned if step one didn't just about do me in.

After ten minutes or so (See? I am getting better! Only ten and not twenty minutes!), I get onto my side.
A few more minutes accompanied by some musical grunting and I've got my arm underneath me.
Using every bit of concentration I could muster, I slowly manage to get myself into an almost sitting position.

Have you ever had to barf and pass out at the same time?
While sober?


I very clearly remember spitting out conflicting orders.
"Get a bucket!" (It's wafer thin!)
"Get me down!"

I still told Ruby to hold off making any decisions.
I figured that we'd get up early in the morning and make our decision then.


By now, it was getting to be around supper time and everyone was getting hungry again.
(I don't think Ruby or I ate lunch that day.)
The three ladies went down to the courtyard where there was a restaurant and dined there.
The girls then brought me back some 'Chinese Pizza'.

It was good, too!
The pizza came in a rectangle shape about five inches by eight and cut into one inch squares.
Almost every piece had a toothpick sticking out of it.

I think the kids figured it was like chopsticks for pizza... or maybe bite size like sushi... or both.

Either way... that's 'Chinese Pizza', even though it's all Italian in flavour.
Sorry I couldn't post a picture... the camera was four feet away.
It might as well have been on the moon.

Actually, I checked both kids' iPods, my iPod and the camera.
Not a single picture was taken that day.


So I munched on my 'Chinese Pizza' and wondered what the next day would bring.

Would we make our flight?
Would we send the kids without us?

We'll find out tomorrow.
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Teenage Mutant Backseat Dancers - A Canadian Buffoon Adventure
Canadian Buffoon's Vacation - PTR/mini TR
Canadian Buffoon European Vacation
Just a silly little TR - run away!



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Old 02-26-2014, 11:52 PM   #875
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Oh Ponzi

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have to say that you did a beautiful job describing it though-I'd have struggled to find Dis-approved words

You two should be very proud to have raised such great girls.
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:11 AM   #876
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ok, going to read the whole chapter tomorrow. I just wanted to say:

I always wanted to CAVORT! (I'll bet Lady H has some great smilies for cavorting)
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:38 AM   #877
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ok, I didn't wait till tomorrow. (well, I guees technically, it is tomorrow). I couldn't stand the suspense!

how incredibly awful!! amazing how when a back "goes out" how it can totally cripple you. It is a spectrum. you have the aches, you have the "ooh, easy now, have to walk slow here"... you have the ouch ouch! OMG! with every step.

and then you have what you had.. the full blown, all out I will never move an inch without pain again, just kill me now extreme end of the spectrum.

that being said , my favorite line in the whole chapter:

Don't have kids.
Rotten little ingrates

and as any parent knows, THEY ARE!!!!
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:45 AM   #878
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Have you ever had to barf and pass out at the same time?
While sober?

ok,i spit out my beer on that one!
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:48 AM   #879
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Sorry I couldn't post a picture... the camera was four feet away.
It might as well have been on the moon.

rats. I tried to find a Perfect Strangers episode on you tube, but couldn't. Larry and Balki work out at the gym, and are too sore to entertain the girls they met there. they get in a fight, and one of them throws a book down in front of the other to stop him from attacking. (he has to walk ALL THE WAY AROUND the book on the floor.)

man I wish I could've found the clip. or at least I wish I could relate a funny story.......
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Old 02-27-2014, 09:23 AM   #880
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Originally Posted by pkondz View Post
Already there.



Samoas were #2???
I'll take the rest though! But you'll have to tell me what I owe you. 'k?




I remember that!
So, just so you know, and if you have those cute little Keebler Elves around up in the Great White North, they have Grasshoppers, which are the same as Thin Mints, and there's also a subsitute for Samoas (I know, you don't like coconut, but I do! ) so you could get the same taste, that's if they have them. One of the bakeries who make cookies for Girl Scouts is a subsidiary of Keebler, I'm thinking they stole the recipe!

That totally sucks about your back pkondz! I've had a muscle seize up like that, and thought I was going to die too!
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Old 02-27-2014, 09:38 AM   #881
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Argh, I am feeling your pain. Poor Ponzi! Hey, at least your insurance covers you outside Canada..if you were American you would have been arranging for a second mortgage to pay for the doctor.

Jill in CO
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:54 PM   #882
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Would we make our flight?
Would we send the kids without us?

We'll find out tomorrow.
We're all waiting to find out since you said we'd find out tomorrow. You posted this yesterday; that makes tomorrow today.
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Old 02-27-2014, 05:17 PM   #883
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I can't imagine the horror of going through all that pain and being so far from home. Not this past Christmas, but the one before, I had my back go out on me almost the same way. I bent down to grab something and tried to come back up and went directly back down again. I couldn't even yell out because of the pain. I had to slowly inch my way, in a bent over position, around the bed, to make my way towards T-Man to get some form of help at all.

And your description of poor Ruby as she is trying to help you out and seeing you in that way...I think T-Man went through the same thing. I can still picture his poor face when he saw me and rushed to my aid, and everytime I see it in my head it pains me again. You never want to see your spouse like that.

While I'm cracking up and the whole insurance/doctor conversation...I can only imagine what you and Ruby actually had to go through that day. Forget about the stress of the kids and the possiblities of tomorrow, but just during that moment, not really knowing what he is telling you, what he is giving you, and while your insurance is saying, "sure, go ahead" you are probably also thinking..."I'm going to get screwed on this later..."

I'll breakdown more tomorrow if I get a chance...My boss is out this afternoon and tomorrow and I have to organize his files during that time, while also organizing a going away party for a co-worker of mine and getting my own work done in the process...I should have a spare moment or two somewhere... Just kidding...I did however, at least want to show up and say i'm still reading along.
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Old 02-27-2014, 05:29 PM   #884
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ok, going to read the whole chapter tomorrow. I just wanted to say:

I always wanted to CAVORT! (I'll bet Lady H has some great smilies for cavorting)

Hmmm...This one could be interesting...Will any of these do?










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Old 02-27-2014, 06:12 PM   #885
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Well, I know I didn't ask, but I like the last one best.
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