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Old 10-01-2013, 08:19 AM   #31
3Gsandme
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I'm one of three and I have three beautiful little girls (although one is bugger than me already). There are no guarantees in life, for sure, but I've never regretted having a sister for my daughter. My dds are all so different and I think I would have been less happy without even one of them.

I found the jump from no kids to 1 the hardest and the Jump from 2 to 3 the easiest. My little two are close in age and I've never had the pleasure of seeing two close in age siblings interact on this level. They love each other so much and are best friends. It's adorable.

From a personal standpoint, I like being a big sister. My Mom passed away six years ago and since there's a fairly big age difference, I've been able to step in and really be there for my siblings. I also love being an auntie. :D

Depending on your age, you have time to make a decision. It doesn't have to happen now. I do agree with a PP that depending on how your daughter is a "spitfire" that it has to change no matter what.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:19 AM   #32
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Having an only child was never a consideration, we wanted three. I found going from one to two was hard, but my first was only 20 months old when her refluxy cranky brother was born - lol. My oldest would love to be an only child, but would not have been a good one (she is pretty egocentric as it is - I can't even imagine if she had 100% of our focus!). Now, my middle child, who LOVES having older and younger siblings, would have been a wonderful only child - very empathetic and compassionate, no entitlement whatsoever.

I always said that if I only had my first, and my last, I would doubt myself as a parent. However, the middle three counter that - lol.

One thing to tell your DH is that, the older they get, the faster the times goes. I blinked, and my oldest is a senior in HS. It's like a roll of toilet paper - the more you use, the faster it goes. I am no where near ready to be an empty nester!
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:24 AM   #33
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Having two children is much more demanding than having just one. It is much more expensive than having one.

We have two kids (22 months apart). We thought we wanted three. The demands and cost of two kept us from going forward with our original plan.

Our kids are now in college......
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:29 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by lovin'fl View Post
I can only tell you, OP, my situation and what things I would change about it. I have 1 brother who is 5 years older than me (he is 45 and I am 40). While I always looked up to him and wanted to be like him, we were not overly close. I was pretty much an only child...definitely by the time I got to High School. I had to go to dinner and on trips with just my parents and things like that. I had a tough time in HS and it was pretty lonely. Then my dad passed away young (54 in 2001) and my mom, who had been with him since she was 19, has been floundering at times (a lot of times). I have had to bear the brunt of it because my brother (who has never married or had kids) left home to do his own thing and has never looked back (pretty much). My DH, on the other hand, has 2 older sisters who are tight with my MIL and there has been little room for me in the mix. I have gotten closer to MIL over the years, but it's not the same and I am envious of her closeness with her 2 DDs...luckily I have 2 DDs and hope to have that same relationship with them.

Now, my kids...I have 3. We married right after college and baby #1 came before we planned- 5 months after our wedding . We planned to be married a few years before having kids...but things don't always go as planned. For some strange reason we had in our heads that we'd have 2 boys (baby #1 was a boy), so we wanted them to be close in age so they could be BFFs and be there for each other as teens and young adults (which was something I didn't have). When DS was just 16 months old we began trying for #2. Two months later we had success...but it was not #2 but #2 AND #3. My head swam and things changed for us. We were told right away that they were identical, so I knew I could not handle 3 little boys (DS was a handful himself). I hoped for 2 girls and, luckily, that's what I had. I will not lie, it was HARD work. The first 2-3 years are a blur and we just 'got through it' and did what we had to...it was like having triplets. Knowing all I know now, I would have had them about 3 1/2 years apart. But, we did get through all the awful stages at the same time instead of getting through and then starting again like a friend of mine who had 3 boys that were each 4 years apart. Problem is, now I have 3 teens at the same time . Good luck in your decision.
LOL, 3 little boys in right around 2 years. but

Our 2 boys are 23 months apart and wore me out on a daily basis. There's a reason our daughter is 5 years younger. If you had asked me when the boys were little I would have absolutely said I was DONE! I really felt like it was all just meant to be though, even though I get accused of being my daughter's grandmother on a fairly routine basis.

Now with 2 kids in college, I'm happier than ever for that 5 year gap.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:39 AM   #35
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My husband is an only and enjoyed it for the most part. He had a few good friends and pets and felt fulfilled that way. His parents were able to afford a few extra luxuries for him which set him off on a good foot post secondary. Stereotypically speaking, he can be socially awkward but he is so very generous. He thinks being an only is great but appreciates the potential of friendship and support of a sibling later in life.

I grew up with a handful of siblings. I love being a part of a busy boisterous family and it taught me a lot of maturity and responsibility from an early age (I am the oldest). The negatives for me were less extra curricular opportunities, and being financially on my own for car, college etc. I also relish quiet and privacy like nobody's business now .

DH and I were going to opt out of procreation. Hahaha. Then we got a little "old" and felt our clocks tick for a brief moment. So we had one. Felt done at one until another fateful afternoon where DH said he would like DD to have a sibling. I had fallen in love with babies so I agreed .

We are definitely done at two. It's proven to be quadruple the "work" for us. We also want them to be involved in "extras" without it being all consuming and chauffeuring all the time. Also, we want to be able to provide a nice portion of their car and college fund. So this is what we can handle.

I think it's extremely important for both partners to be in agreement. You might have different concerns which is fine. It's actually a good thing as you can support each other when you come across those difficulties (or take over so to speak). If this decision is causing a rift, I advocate taking a bit of emotion out of it at the start. Write out a pro and con list together. Re evaluate afterwards. Come up with possible solutions to the scary scenarios. Get creative. Hubby worried about intimacy? You want to co-sleep? Agree to meet in the car in the garage later .

No matter how great a parent you are, potentially things can go very wrong ("difficult" baby, sibling rivalry, chaos, less $) and potentially it can be fantastic ("easy" baby, sibling friendship, good investments) but chances are most families end up somewhere in the middle.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:53 AM   #36
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1- If you only have one child, why did you decide to (assuming you had the choice which I know is not always the case)? How is it raising your only?

DS8 was an only-child until earlier this year. We went back and forth about whether we'll have another one for many years. We enjoyed raising DS as the only one because we were able to focus on him and give him a lot of things we weren't be able to give if we have more kids. We did feel bad for him from time to time when he complained there is no one to play with him, but we always made sure we took him to see places and had playdates for him.


2- If YOU are an only child, how was your life affected both as a kid and as an adult? (This is one thing I struggle with...DD being alone as she gets older and we do as well...)

I am a only child. I felt mostly fine as a child. Sometimes I wished I had a sibling, but it was never bad.

I wish I had a sibling now more than ever as my parents age and grow old. I am mainly concerned with my parents, not me. I live thousands of miles away from my parents. They live in Asia. It's not enough for them to see me once a year. I still don't know what to do if one day they both become sick in bed and can't take care of themselves. Financially, they are fine, but emotionally, I am not sure. With a sibling, at least we could take turn and do more for them.

A worry from my mom is that when both of them are gone, I'll have no family to visit on holidays. I don't feel too bad for this though. I have enough friends so I'll be fine.



3- If you have more than one child, did you ever have this issue, debating #2? How did you handle it?

I love kids, but we waited 7 years to finally decide to have another. I have fighted the want to have another constantly in the past couple of years, but we made darn sure that everything is in place. We are financially better off now than say 5 years ago. We bought a house that'll cut our communtes and in the best school district. I made sure my job will give me work-life balance. etc, etc.

4- Is more harder than just one? We have our hands full with DD, she's a spitfire that's for sure. DH is concerned that having #2 will not help and possibly cause DD to be "worse" (I hate that word but for lack of better...)

It's harder!!! We have to shift a lot of attention from DS8 to DD-5 month. But again we waited a long time to make sure that DS will be fine. He can handle all his chores, study by himself, and explore his interest by himself.

5- What's the age difference between your children along with the pros & cons?!

DS and DD are seven and half years apart.

Pros: Having a little sister definitely brings out a lot good in DS. I see the most tender side of his heart. He adores his little sis. He helps me taking care of her. Care, love, share -- I think it's a great learning experience for him!

Cons: DS won't be able to play with DD. Also, down the road, we won't be able to give DS as much financial support as if we only have one. But he has a little sister now and you can't get everything right and perfect.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:56 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dismom22 View Post
DH and I are in discussion of having our second child. DD will be 4 in February and I *thought* our plan was to take out my Mirena when we got back from Disney...so, uh, now. What I thought was our plan has quickly changed and become more of a debate. I realize this is a serious decision that only DH and I can make; I was just hoping to get some insight from a variety of people. Some things I'm trying to consider:

1- If you only have one child, why did you decide to (assuming you had the choice which I know is not always the case)? How is it raising your only?

2- If YOU are an only child, how was your life affected both as a kid and as an adult? (This is one thing I struggle with...DD being alone as she gets older and we do as well...)

3- If you have more than one child, did you ever have this issue, debating #2? How did you handle it?

4- Is more harder than just one? We have our hands full with DD, she's a spitfire that's for sure. DH is concerned that having #2 will not help and possibly cause DD to be "worse" (I hate that word but for lack of better...)

5- What's the age difference between your children along with the pros & cons?!

Anything else you'd like to add, I would certainly appreciate. I would love brutal honesty. I am on the fence but leaning towards DD getting a sibling. I don't want to fight with DH about this. I respect his opinion and do understand his concerns because I have them too, I suppose I just see the bigger picture. For instance, he's concerned with finances, being "stuck" for the next 3-5 years, normal stress of baby (late nights), DD's current behavior and future, our lack of organization around the house, and the fact that our relationship could use some work, nothing terrible, just typical married life stress, etc...

Whew, that's a lot. Sorry so long...just something constantly on my mind lately and need input. Thanks!!
I am an only and I knew that when I started my family I would have more than one child. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood, lots of cousins and friends but I always wished I was part of a big immediate family. I guess because I was always around them.

Honestly OP, none of that matters. Once family planning becomes a debate or something you don't want to fight about then its not the right time to add to your family. Would you want your dh to resent you and the child. Of course you never know if that will happen, but I know I wouldn't want to take the chance. You said yourself that your relationship could use work, would a baby/child make that worse or better?
I understand his concerns. If I had one 4 year old I don't think I'd be excitedly planning on having another child, I would feel that its too late. I see the differences between my middle child and my youngest (3 years apart) and I'm watching my friends do it all over because they got themselves a surprise 2 years ago
I wish you all the best, its not an easy decision and I hope you guys end up on the same page whatever the decision is
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:59 AM   #38
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My husband is the only child of an only child. I am the youngest of 7. We have one child, DS14.

I love my husband's family dearly. We are so close to his parents and grandparents. They shower my son with love and undivided attention.

We lead a pretty stress-free life as parents of an only child. We go where we want, when we want. We don't have multiple schedules to coordinate. There is no fighting in our house ever. It's calm and serene. When DS wants more excitement on any given day he calls over a group of friends. When he wants peace and quiet he spends time alone. He likes both equally.

In fact, the only family stress I ever feel is when I have to deal with my siblings on family matters regarding my elderly mother. There are a certain few that came out of the womb swinging and have only gotten worse over time. I have one particular sister that makes my eye twitch every time I get on the phone with her. Ah, the fun of having siblings. NOT!

For my little family, one is wonderful. Wouldn't change it for the world.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:18 AM   #39
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I'm an only child. In hindsight I liked being an only child until my parents separated. I think that's when things can somewhat more difficult for an only child. My mom never remarried, and I find myself really worrying about her sometimes. Thankfully she is well off financially, but I know there is a possibility I could have to be the one to make certain decisions as she ages.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:30 AM   #40
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My story is much different. I am the oldest of 3 sibs. My daughters came to me through adoption. As a single mom by choice and new I always wanted 2 girls. 2 for a couple of reasons. First the Lord called me to both of my daughters. My oldest was 10mos at adoption and is now 9. Her adoption took me less than 1 yr. My 2nd daughter took me 4 yrs to adopt her and she will be 6 this month and adopted at 12mos both from China. Since I am single I wanted to make sure my girls had each other in the case of my death. I also wanted them to have each other to be best friends in life which they are being 4yrs apart. 4 years apart is perfect. Going from 1-2 was hard,but my oldest DD was 4 when I brought DD2 home at 12mos. It was a crazy time,but my family helps me out a lot. If I had to say 1 thing if you are thinking about a 2nd do it. If you want a 2nd and can not have one naturally PLEASE look into adoption!!!!! There are millions of children that need home. If I could adopt more I would have gone back for 1 more. Adoption is an awesome way to grow your family.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:31 AM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnM
I am an only child. I hated it, hated it, hated it. I was alone with adults a lot. Vacations were usually just me and my parents. I vowed to never have only one. We have 3.

I was NOT an only child but spent my childhood wishing I was! My daughter is an only child but when we go on vacations she usually brings a friend with her so she will have someone to hang out with. Most of her friends are onlys too so she gets taken on a lot of vacations with them too!
My decision to have just one was totally financial- I could afford one, I can only afford to send one to college so that is what I had. My daughter is fine with it because she never wanted a sibling. She would come home from a friends house that has a few siblings and say "thank god I don't have to live like that" lol. Wen I am out with people who have more than one i always am glad I only had the one-if I had to hear "thats not fair she got more than me" or any other variety of " that's not fair " on a daily basis I would have to wear earplugs all day!
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:40 AM   #42
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I was an only child and hated it. I was so lonely growing up. My parents worked long hours and I was a latch key child once I was old enough. When I was younger, my parents hired someone to pick me up from school and take me to their workplace.

I had a large extended family but my Mom was one of the older siblings of 6 and my Dad was a lot younger than his 2 sisters. All the cousins (10) on my Dad's side were all much older, one is the same age as my Mom. All the cousins (18) on my Mom's side is much younger than me, the youngest is 4 months younger than my oldest child. I always felt left out.

I hated getting board games as gifts because if I didn't get to play it that day, no one would play it with me ever. I had a non-English speaking nanny who I sometimes made play with me but she basically was just a card holder, asking me what to do next, and letting me win. Sigh. TV was my only friend and entertainment.

I had 2 kids (27 months apart) because I hated being an only child. That being said, older one would have been fine being an only child. Lol. But younger one would have been miserable like me. There were years when the fighting was constant. But they are now 14 and 12 and they are stuck to each other like glue and love to do everything together.

Now that I am older, I work for the family business because I have no siblings to help my parents. When they finally retire, we will sell the business and I will stay home with MY family. I work long hours and hardly see my kids. Up until 3 years ago, we lived near my parents and work so they would come to work with me after school. But we moved an hour away for their schooling, so we have a live in who watches them.

My DH has 2 younger siblings but he is not close to them. He would have been happy being an only. Lol. There is a lot of family drama that I am not use to. So, I'm glad I'm an only now. Haha. But they have lots of kids each so it is nice for my kids to have cousins. And it is nice they don't live too close because our family is use to quiet and when everyone is together, we all get a headache after a while.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:56 AM   #43
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One of four. Mom of four. Since I have no experience as an only I can't speak to that.

As one of 4 I am grateful for my siblings. We are on good terms but not crazy close. However we are there when needed. Right now I am sitting in the hospital with our mom. I am grateful that we are all able share in decisions regarding her care. I am the one in town and will see to her day to day needs and relay info back to them. It would be more difficult as an only.

As a mom of four the early years were busy and hard, but the teen years are more so but in a different way. My kids are no mre than 3 years younger than the next sibling and I wouldn't want them any further apart. I like having them in similar stages of life.

Dh and I always said 2 maybe 3 kids and we were blessed with four that we both accepted and loved from the moment I was pregnant.

The important thing in your op is that you and dh disagree. You must be in agreement or things won't be easy no matter how many kids you have.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:56 AM   #44
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I grew up with 1 sister & we're 2 1/2 years apart. We didn't get along as teens very well, but now we're best friends.

My kids are 1 month shy of 4 years apart. We debated having another child, cause we really were happy with it just being DD for a long time. But we started to realize we didn't want her to be an only child and decided to try again.

Having the two 4 years apart made it a lot easier I think, since DD was already so independent. People kept telling me that since they were 4 years apart they wouldn't get along, but they couldn't be more wrong! DD & DS are best friends, seriously, they really get along amazingly, people comment all the time about it. I honestly can't think of a con.
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Old 10-01-2013, 10:01 AM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dismom22 View Post
DH and I are in discussion of having our second child. DD will be 4 in February and I *thought* our plan was to take out my Mirena when we got back from Disney...so, uh, now. What I thought was our plan has quickly changed and become more of a debate. I realize this is a serious decision that only DH and I can make; I was just hoping to get some insight from a variety of people. Some things I'm trying to consider:

1- If you only have one child, why did you decide to (assuming you had the choice which I know is not always the case)? How is it raising your only?


2- If YOU are an only child, how was your life affected both as a kid and as an adult? (This is one thing I struggle with...DD being alone as she gets older and we do as well...)

I am an only child. I can say that being an only child has affected me more as I am older than when I was younger. Being an only child as a kid was fine. I would make friends perfectly fine, but I was also able to have my alone time because I didn't have any brothers and sisters to bug the hell out of me. As adult most recently with my parents being of older age and sick I am the one that has to help them, caregive for them, run errands for them. It is just ME. I have no help (well I have my husband), but I think you get the idea. It is me sitting in the hospital and talking to dr about my parents. No one else is sitting there. It is hard with raising a family of my own, but I do it because I have to and I love my parents.

3- If you have more than one child, did you ever have this issue, debating #2? How did you handle it?

We have two children. We had two children because DH is the oldest of 6 and I was the only child so we had both extremes.

4- Is more harder than just one? We have our hands full with DD, she's a spitfire that's for sure. DH is concerned that having #2 will not help and possibly cause DD to be "worse" (I hate that word but for lack of better...)

I don't believe it was harder with two. My daughters are best friends. I couldn't imagine if one didn't have the other one. They love playing with each other. They hold hands in the grocery store (which is the sweetest thing to see). They are there for each other and I hope it remains that way for a long time if not forever.

5- What's the age difference between your children along with the pros & cons?!

My girls are 22 months apart.

Anything else you'd like to add, I would certainly appreciate. I would love brutal honesty. I am on the fence but leaning towards DD getting a sibling. I don't want to fight with DH about this. I respect his opinion and do understand his concerns because I have them too, I suppose I just see the bigger picture. For instance, he's concerned with finances, being "stuck" for the next 3-5 years, normal stress of baby (late nights), DD's current behavior and future, our lack of organization around the house, and the fact that our relationship could use some work, nothing terrible, just typical married life stress, etc...

Whew, that's a lot. Sorry so long...just something constantly on my mind lately and need input. Thanks!!
Response is in red.
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