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Old 07-28-2013, 06:30 PM   #31
brockash
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I would definitely say something to them BUT I also think you are partially to blame, you knew the history, you should have done a test run before they left for the cruise so you could know for sure whe was truly over the sleepover anxiety.
I agree. I think you should obviously say something, as in you dd got sick and that you guys had to sleep at their house etc., but I'm not sure what else you would say??

I also think that you are to blame for this as well. Honestly, it kinda sounds like you really didn't want to watch her to begin with (with or without her night/sleeping issues). It's fine to feel that way, but then you should have said no right from the start.

For the most part, I'd just let this go and never agree to watch her overnight again.
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Old 07-28-2013, 08:14 PM   #32
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I'm curious why they didn't just leave the 11 yr old home with the 18 yr old to begin with. I have never met an 18 yr old that couldn't be trusted to look after an 11 yr old unless they are developmentally delayed or very very immature.

The parents screwed you over and there is no way I would let that slide without saying something.
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:13 PM   #33
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Bottom line the friend "used you" and that does stink.

Instead of going "guns blazing" I would take this as a "life lesson" in that if you know there is an issue do not expect things to be different.

As I have gotten older I realized that I have to be the one to recognize "reality" and then put it into practice.

If I know there is "an issue" and I was not able deal with an issue, then I have to have to speak up and say no or do a "test run" first as PP stated.

Apply this philosophy to the rest of your life. It will never steer you wrong.


Op, first leave off about how you and your dh spent your anniversary that's really not important.
Neither mention the fact that dad never texted you. You can't control other peoples actions.

I would probably just mentioned to your friend that her daughter definitely is NOT ready to sleep over.

Did they mention this to their 11 year old. I'm thinking she must have said some thing to her parents, if she is this fearful of sleeping outside the house.

yes, they definitely used you but you survived so I wouldnt go in "guns a blazing"
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:15 PM   #34
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I'd chalk it up to a life lesson and the kid would never sleep at my house again.

Next time they ask, the answer is "Sorry, but the last time Snowflake slept at my house she got very upset. I don't want ot put her or me through that again."
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:41 PM   #35
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I am curious what you did the other one or two nights with this girl to keep her from freaking out?
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:50 PM   #36
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OP here...an update:

The girl has been absolutely FINE the whole weekend and at night, around 11, I take her to her house until one of the brothers comes home (around 11:30) and then I go home and in the morning, I go pick her up. It's not ideal, but it's better than her throwing up every two seconds because she is all nerves.

Just fyi, the older brother (18) works so wasn't able to watch her and I'm not sure how "watchful" he is.

Someone mentioned my DH and I going away without kids...we just never do. We feel it would be a HUGE inconvenience on someone else and if something were to go wrong, we would feel horrible. As DH says, "There is plenty of time to travel alone when they're grown and out of the house"...not sure I agree 100% with that thinking, but I do enjoy a trip with girlfriends every once in a while!

I've decided to remain very factual and not emotional about the whole thing. Part of my initial frustration was sheer exhaustion. Now I will tell the mom that no, she's NOT ready to spend the weekend away from you as she makes herself physically ill, and next time maybe a grandma or someone can come. And of course, I will NEVER do this again! BTW, I do believe sleepovers (even one-night) are the root of all evil!!!!
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Old 07-28-2013, 10:37 PM   #37
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That poor girl. I hope they are prepared for the work that will need to be done for the trauma that their anxiety ridden daughter has gone through. Did they even consult any kind of professional about doing this? This is not just a normal level of homesickness so to leave and not deal with those issues borders on negligent.

I wouldn't say that for any 11 year old but this is a child that clearly has some issues and the parents leaving cannot have helped that situation.
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:02 PM   #38
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I think being very factual when talking to her is a good idea, but one of those facts is that she owes you big time! I'm glad you were able to work it out so she could sleep at home with her siblings. The parents should have planned that in the first place since they clearly knew it might be an issue despite telling you otherwise.

I would not leave my kids with someone whose judgement I don't trust though, so IMO the idea of leaving your kids with her as payback is not a good one!
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:21 AM   #39
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That poor girl. I hope they are prepared for the work that will need to be done for the trauma that their anxiety ridden daughter has gone through. Did they even consult any kind of professional about doing this? This is not just a normal level of homesickness so to leave and not deal with those issues borders on negligent.

I wouldn't say that for any 11 year old but this is a child that clearly has some issues and the parents leaving cannot have helped that situation.
Not sure about negligence, however we had a girl in my troop with this same issue when we were in GS's. The mom never TOLD US.

She made it through a few times of sleepover at places. We sat mom down and told her that she really needed to get her dd some help.

Then we were planning the BIG camping trip, which was a bit of a drive. We told mom in no uncertain terms that her dd was only welcome to come camping if she either came with us or if she would pick her dd up if she started freaking out.

I think she went for the day and the mom picked her dd up at a decent time.

The mom was not happy with us, however it is not anyone else's responsibility to figure out a severe anxiety issue. That requires a professional.

The girls really tried to help her but in the end she couldn't do it. Later on she did get her dd help. This was in the 90's when psychiatric issues were not talked about so much.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:55 AM   #40
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I had a child with a sleepover fear..it is not fun and she always wanted to go...just her fears took a hold over her at night and she would flip out. AND she was just fine if she was with us so until she tried to sleep over somewhere I could have told you she got over it too. I had to take her to therapy. She actually had a fear of vomit...which she would work herself up over...if someone coughed at a sleepover she would think they would get sick and she would flip out. (found this out after weeks of therapy)

If this is a true friend of your I would sit down with her and BEG her to get this child help.. I know for some.. the thought of putting their child in therapy is the worse thing ever and so many people think *she will out grow* this silly fear...but if she made herself sick.. she needs help. Try talking with the mom and see if this child can get the help she needs.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:59 AM   #41
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I'm suprised at everyone saying how the OP was used and what a bad friend the other person is.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I have a small group of very close friends, and we absolutely bend over backwards to help each other - even if it's sometimes inconvenient for us. I imagine the mom really hoped that the little girl had matured and that the sleepover would be fine (or that the little girl was comfortable enough with the OP that she would be fine - usually "sleepover anxiety" is pretty location and people dependant.)
Did it work out as you all hoped it would? Nope. Was everyone just fine in the end? Yup. Do friends do things that are sometimes a pain in the tush for other friends? When they are good friends, yes.
I can't imagine any goal of making a big deal out of this other than to make the parents feel bad and guilty. What good is that? They are your friends! I would hope you'd be happy that they got a great anniversary celebration. Consider the 3am car ride your anniversary gift to them.

OP, I would also reconsider your stance of not ever leaving your own kids overnight. In addition to the fact that getting away as a couple occasionally is healthy, and a critical componant of a happy marriage, there is a very high chance that at some point you will HAVE to leave the kids alone - an emergency with another kid, a death of a close relative, etc. You'd hate for the first time you leave the kids alone to be in the midst of an emergency. Much better that they are used to spending some time with grandma/aunt/friend so that they are at least comfortable with the situation when the time comes that you have to leave them.
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Old 07-29-2013, 09:09 AM   #42
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I'm suprised at everyone saying how the OP was used and what a bad friend the other person is.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I have a small group of very close friends, and we absolutely bend over backwards to help each other - even if it's sometimes inconvenient for us. I imagine the mom really hoped that the little girl had matured and that the sleepover would be fine (or that the little girl was comfortable enough with the OP that she would be fine - usually "sleepover anxiety" is pretty location and people dependant.)
Did it work out as you all hoped it would? Nope. Was everyone just fine in the end? Yup. Do friends do things that are sometimes a pain in the tush for other friends? When they are good friends, yes.
I can't imagine any goal of making a big deal out of this other than to make the parents feel bad and guilty. What good is that? They are your friends! I would hope you'd be happy that they got a great anniversary celebration. Consider the 3am car ride your anniversary gift to them.
Thank you for this! I've been trying to figure out a way to write something along this line and haven't been successful.

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Old 07-29-2013, 09:58 AM   #43
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I would just say "Hey, next time just have me sleep at your house...easier on both of us".

My BFF growing up was the same way - actually still is, as an adult. It's not easy....picked on a lot for it. I would be compassionate and just say that you understand, and just want it to be easier for her.
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Old 07-29-2013, 10:00 AM   #44
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I'm suprised at everyone saying how the OP was used and what a bad friend the other person is.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I have a small group of very close friends, and we absolutely bend over backwards to help each other - even if it's sometimes inconvenient for us. I imagine the mom really hoped that the little girl had matured and that the sleepover would be fine (or that the little girl was comfortable enough with the OP that she would be fine - usually "sleepover anxiety" is pretty location and people dependant.)
Did it work out as you all hoped it would? Nope. Was everyone just fine in the end? Yup. Do friends do things that are sometimes a pain in the tush for other friends? When they are good friends, yes.

I can't imagine any goal of making a big deal out of this other than to make the parents feel bad and guilty. What good is that? They are your friends! I would hope you'd be happy that they got a great anniversary celebration. Consider the 3am car ride your anniversary gift to them.

OP, I would also reconsider your stance of not ever leaving your own kids overnight. In addition to the fact that getting away as a couple occasionally is healthy, and a critical componant of a happy marriage, there is a very high chance that at some point you will HAVE to leave the kids alone - an emergency with another kid, a death of a close relative, etc. You'd hate for the first time you leave the kids alone to be in the midst of an emergency. Much better that they are used to spending some time with grandma/aunt/friend so that they are at least comfortable with the situation when the time comes that you have to leave them.
And I 100% agree.
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Old 07-29-2013, 03:48 PM   #45
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I agree with the others who said that you were not used. You knew of a potential issue, and you said yes anyway.

I also wonder why you waited until 3 AM to take the girl home? Couldn't you tell at 10:30 or 11 that she was freaking out? You have 4 kids; what did you think was going to happen if you waited? She lives close enough that you could have dealt with the first night the same way you dealt with the others.

I think the only one who was misused in this situation is the 11 year old.
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