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Old 06-19-2013, 03:27 PM   #76
Wishing on a star
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I have not read all the posts... so these are my initial thoughts... not influenced or based on replies to anyone else.

Personally, I would NEVER live with a man without some kind of commitment. At least a ring, and 'in the near future.. after graduation, promotion', or other live changing circumstance. I am not being a prude... I did live with my DH before we were married... I also had a ring on my finger, and we were setting a date, and he was moving some distance away to start his career. So, in this circumstance.. that seemed to be the way to go. A positive thing... A positive direction.

I see two huge red flags here.

First, is a lack of communication.
The OP is getting NO true and direct answers here.
I see that as a huge problem.

Secondly, this person's character, and ability, or lack of, to be counted on when it comes to planning things in the near or not-so-near future. The OP had posted, in her original post: He "then says 'I have a plan' this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!!"

Okay, now I see a THIRD red flag here.
He says, "I" have a plan.
HIS plan?????

Shouldn't it be the two of them, deciding on THEIR plan, TOGETHER.

Like I said, this is not about being a prude, or counting months, etc...
This is about character and relationship issues.

This is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... a two year relationship with one guy, who never really could get-it-together and make any firm plan. And, another relationship with a guy whose favorite word was 'eventually'. I do know that this man is STILL that way.

If the OP can't have that 'real discussion'....
That 'heart to heart' with this man, and come to some satisfactory conclusion... The, personally, I would consider 'walking'.

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Last edited by Wishing on a star; 06-19-2013 at 03:39 PM.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:30 PM   #77
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wvjules View Post
1. Living together IS a commitment
2. Living together is NOT playing house
3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child
4. Living together does not mean the woman automatically assumes 'womanly duties' of cooking, cleaning, laundry, live-in housekeeper, etc. And along those lines, if that is what you consider a marriage, I wouldn't want it. My role isn't that of homemaker. It's a partnership.

That is all.

As for the OP. Give it more time. It is only a year and you are aleady committed to each other. If he's not ready for marriage now, maybe he will be soon. However, if he flat out says he doesn't want to get married again and it is a make or break for you, then it's best to end it.
Sorry, but I have to very strongly disagree with the first statement above. Living together is NOT any commitment, at all. It just isn't.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:33 PM   #78
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How is that not a comittment? Do tell.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
Sorry, but I have to very strongly disagree with the first statement above. Living together is NOT any commitment, at all. It just isn't.
Yup. Exactly. They moved in after 6 months....and ppl say he's stringing her along? after 6 months? LOL! Wow. Thats just bizarre to me.
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The bottom line for me is that I just don't agree at all with the people here who are saying that after dating for a year and living with the OP for 6 months there is no reason he isn't ready to marry her and he must just be stringing her along. That may be true but there is no evidence of it here, what the OP is saying her boyfriend is telling her doesn't support that either.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:38 PM   #79
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I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

It seems to me that he's been pretty up front about his feelings all along. Based on what I've read, he hasn't made any pretenses about planning to get married to the OP.

He's not stringing her along. He's happy with the relationship as it is, with them living together unmarried.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:59 PM   #80
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliceacc View Post
I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

It seems to me that he's been pretty up front about his feelings all along. Based on what I've read, he hasn't made any pretenses about planning to get married to the OP.

He's not stringing her along. He's happy with the relationship as it is, with them living together unmarried.
Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:07 PM   #81
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.
How many threads on the DIS have this exact situation. People don't communicate and if they do one chooses to ignore what the other is saying and then their feelings are hurt.
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:10 PM   #82
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DH and I lived together for about 6 months prior to our marriage. If it is a step towards marriage then to me it makes sense.

However when it is done in place of marriage, you end up in some murky legal waters. People forget the protection marriage offers within the law.

Living together:

1) You have no legal ties to your partner. If your partner is injured, his or her family could ban you from the hospital and not allow you in any decision making if you partner is unable to speak for themselves.

2) Unless your partner has added you to their financial accounts or named you beneficiary, if your partner dies you have no legal right to the money in those accounts.

3) If your partner dies you have no legal right to plan a funeral or decide where or how the burial will occur.

4) If the relationship ends badly, you have no automatic rights to the possessions you purchased together. If your partner cleans out your home then you have to wind your way through small claims to retrieve the items.

5) If you have debt accumulated jointly in your name, you would have to sue your partner to try and recover their part of the debt.

6) As a woman, if you are married your child automatically bears the name of your husband. Without marriage you have to have your partner sign the birth certificate or get a DNA test.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:02 PM   #83
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsklamc

Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.
Bingo!
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:07 PM   #84
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arielle22
6) As a woman, if you are married your child automatically bears the name of your husband. Without marriage you have to have your partner sign the birth certificate or get a DNA test.
All depends where youre from. Around here, that does not apply. The woman can give the baby her surname....and she doesnt have to put the farhers name on the birth certificate if she chooses not to. I have two friends who went thru this recently.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:09 PM   #85
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Originally Posted by Aliceacc View Post
I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.
'cause this is the DIS -- and if anyone is ever at fault, it's usually the guy???

There is an often a strong anti-guy vibe around here.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:10 PM   #86
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NO, ICF, I would not asssume that, at all.

And, yes, the other above posts are right.
Which is why I mentioned communication as the first big issue, and red flag.

Why hasn't the OP been clear on his intentions...
Why has she 'assumed' that he would, at this point, be willing to talk commitment?

I am not really making this guy the complete villian...
But, what do you guys expect him to say....
I get a place to stay, cost sharing, and physically satisfied... all with NO expectations... I am just taking what I can get from you, for now.. no promises, no questions asked???

Of course he isn't SAYING that.
But, hello, people, that is what he is doing/getting here.

No, he hasn't made any promises, and hasn't directly been stringing her along. But, he hasn't really been up front here about the situation, and her desire for commitment... for a future... etc...

Read her original post again..
She says, quote, "this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!"

And, if telling her "I have a plan", another direct quote... isn't stringing somebody along... then I really don't know what is. And, again, it should be THEIR plan. Which he seems to be refusing to discuss.

This isn't a person that I would want to invest too much more of my precious time here in my life into.... It really isn't....

They do not seem to be communicating.
They are not on the same page.
He is getting what he wants... with no commitment.
And, the OP is like many women out there, with those proverbial rose colored glasses on...
Thinking, 'he will grow up...', 'I can change him...' Etc....

BTDT
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:20 PM   #87
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I don't think it would matter to me one way or the other. If you are in a committed relationship, which obviously you are because he let you move in with him, then it shouldn't matter if you have a piece of paper to prove your relationship is valid. Obviously it's not a matter of wanting to get married for moral reasons or you would not be living with him out of wedlock. You two have obviously been married before and none of those relationships worked out. Maybe he had his fill of married life and just wants to be in a committed relationship without the pressure of being married and tied down.

You should have thought about all this before you moved in. You had only dated 6 months when you moved in with him so it seems like everything is being rushed already. You have only been together one year and you are already thinking you might need to put him on the spot or give him an ultimatum...so it seems like you may be really rushing things way too fast.

If I were you I would back off and quit worrying about whether or not he wants to get married. If you know you don't want to stay with him if he isn't willing to get married then you don't really love him. You just love the idea of being married and it probably wouldn't matter WHO it was. You said yourself if he had told you up front he didn't want to get married you wouldn't have kept dating him. So it is marriage that you want, not this particular guy it seems.

I think you should be upfront with him and TELL HIM "If I had known you didn't want to get married I would not have dated you to begin with. And if you tell me now you don't want to get married I don't want to continue the relationship" THEN be prepared to move out. I doubt he will give you the answer you are looking for.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:37 PM   #88
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How is that not a comittment? Do tell.
I think that living together used to be a commitment. But times have changed. People start living together after knowing each other for three or four months. I know a couple who started living together after dating for less than six months because one person's lease was up and he needed a new place to live. The other person had a great apartment but needed furniture. He had furniture, she had an apartment, they were sleeping together at the time so hey -- move in! But there was no commitment involved other than him agreeing to pay half the rent.

It wasn't like they'd sat down and talked about their future and made a balanced and logical decision to move to the next step and cohabitate. Girl needed a roomie, guy needed somewhere to live and poof! Living together. They broke up four months after he moved in, but they still share the apartment, even though he now spends most of his time over at his new girlfriend's house.

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Old 06-19-2013, 05:44 PM   #89
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Just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all the great replies, I appreciate everyone's viewpoint We sat down and had a heart-to-heart, we were both very honest and open-minded. The conversation went great!! We both understood each others viewpoints and have come to a mutual understanding of how each other feels and what our hope/expectations are for future plans
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:52 PM   #90
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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
They do not seem to be communicating.
They are not on the same page.
He is getting what he wants... with no commitment.
And, the OP is like many women out there, with those proverbial rose colored glasses on...
Thinking, 'he will grow up...', 'I can change him...' Etc....

BTDT

Marriage is not about the dress or the eight hours of reception. It is about the the forever after. It is a promise before God to put the others best interests, wants and needs ahead of your own first. It is about each day, every day, 24 hours, month after month together. Normal, plain, ordinary days full of work, kids with sniffles, commuting to work, being a soccer mom, making dinner, doing laundry. They wont be filled with horseback rides into the sunsets (though you might occasionally get one). The blessing of marriage comes in those ordinary days spent with someone you love. It becomes all about the other person, not about yourself. That is the only way to make it work. It is not in the swoon of romantic, spectacular events.

The questions at hand should not be about how will he propose, what kind of flowers or what color bridesmaid dresses. They should be: can I live the rest of my life with this person through all their strengths and faults? Will they care for my child as if they are their own? Am I financially ready for marriage? Do either of us have debt that will become the others problem? Does either of us have emotional baggage that we are bringing to the relationship that could be too much of a burden for the other to take on and carry together? Is the other person ready to give the same level of commitment to the marriage as I am?

Those questions can only be answered with time. Rushing into the I do's without considering the ever afters is a recipe for disaster.
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