Disney Information Station Logo

Go Back   The DIS Discussion Forums - DISboards.com > Just for Fun > Community Board
Find Hotel Specials & DIScounts
 
facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS UpdatesDIS email updates
Register Chat FAQ Tickers Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read





Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 05-27-2013, 08:50 PM   #181
lukenick1
DIS Veteran
 
lukenick1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,588

Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!
__________________
1995 Contemporary Resort
2005 AKL & Sheraton Vistana Resort
2006 Marriott Grand Vista
2009 Mariott Cypress Harbor
2012 AKL Villas
All thanks to my BFF!!!!!


lukenick1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 09:57 PM   #182
mickeyplanner08
DIS Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 609

You go girl! Good luck, and may your house be more peaceful from here on forward!
__________________
Me, DH DD-14 DS-12
mickeyplanner08 is offline   Reply With Quote
|
The DIS
Register to remove

Join Date: 1997
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1,000,000
Old 05-27-2013, 10:08 PM   #183
Liberty Belle
I was going to reply, but I see I already did...three years ago!
Hey, I warned you. Now go have a drink. It's the only thing that takes it away
Makes sleestack noises when her throat itches
 
Liberty Belle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 16,263

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukenick1 View Post
Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!
If your DS has ODD, that's completely to be expected. It doesn't mean he doesn't have to work on it, but it explains why he does that. It's part of the disorder.
__________________


DH: Me: DS (20): DS(10):
(Hunter) (Leo) (Anatevka) : (Cookie)
Liberty Belle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 10:38 PM   #184
monsterkitty
DIS Veteran
 
monsterkitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: somewhere, waaay out there
Posts: 1,262

OP, I'm not a parent so I can't really give advice. I do want to say, however, how impressed I am that you have listened to what others have said, no matter how painful it must have been for you to hear the words. You never made an excuse as to why something wouldn't work, disagree with everyone and say they were wrong, or run away from the thread as we have seen so many other posters do with threads like this. Kuddos to you!
monsterkitty is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2013, 04:16 AM   #185
kellyg403
She changes friends like she changes underwear
NEVER GO INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL aka teenager bedroom WITHOUT TURNING ON THE LIGHTS
 
kellyg403's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5,356

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukenick1 View Post
Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!
Good Luck OP! I hope that you and your family are able to start getting things back on track. I applaud you for realizing that there are things amiss and that there needs to be something done about it.

My dd was diagnosed with ODD when she was about 7. This is a personality disorder and unfortunately, meds can be taken to help control some of the traits, but it IS something that the child needs to learn to cope with and know about themselves. Their lives are supremely negative. Because my dd could whine and whine and whine and I was tired, she would get her way. She wasn't trying to be a brat, but she knew what she wanted and she knew how to get me to do it. All of our interactions were NEGATIVE to the max. And the more negative they become the more FREQUENT they became. She did great in school, but had few friends. She also had ADD, not hyperactivity. She did not have a filter. If you wanted an honest answer to something, she was the girl to go to. And it wasn't a good thing. Socially she had difficulty. She thought she was being honest, but she was being hurtful. Anywho, I tell you this to let you know, not only did she have counseling and therapy but I went to counseling and parenting classes. And I had 4 other children at home. I thought I had the mom thing in the bag. But our whole family sufferred. I was a nag, she had already tuned me out and it just was a matter of how long she had to stand her ground before I got tired enough to give in.

The parenting classes were immensly helpful in making me realize I was part of the problem and my parenting was definitely part of the problem. I had to learn to say no, not interact negatively, just walk away. I did not have to interact. When I sent her to her room if she sat on the steps and whined about not going to her room I walked away and did something with the other children. Finally it dawned her that she was only one not having fun, once the pieces started to fall together she started going to her room and when she was ready to join the family, she would come and ask to. Its never going to go away, but as a parent, if your child is possibly ODD, you will need different techniques than traditional. Positive reinforcement. My dd loved fingernail polish. Something small and simple. With my dd, I had to put up a calendar and what the expectations were. On Sunday she cleaned her room, on Tues she fed the dog...whatever the chores for the week were. Sat she could earn a trip to the dollar store for nail polish or whatever the incentive was. But during the week she had to control her emotions and do as she was asked. Once I stopped nagging, and I didn't have to anymore because it was in black in white, she finally started just doing them. ODD children buck at authority and consequences and really don't like structure. Until you give them structure and consequences. They do so much better with it. It really is more about them learning to control themselves than you trying to control them. They HAVE to learn that. My dd was also a very compassionate person, just as loving as they came. But when the bad outweighs the good, even they forget they are 'good'. And I contributed to that poor self esteem by continually yelling, screaming and reminding her of all the 'bad' stuff she did. Once I learned to turn it off as it were and focus on a job well done, no more yelling, no more screaming on my part, things started to calm down. Your boys have learned how the process works. You scream, they scream, you guys fight, it turns into a mess and then you give in. They have reconciled themselves to how the system works and it doesn't bother them what they have to go through, its the reward at the end. Getting their way. That is the dynamic that has to change.

Good Luck OP....keep with it!

Kelly
__________________

Last edited by kellyg403; 05-28-2013 at 04:28 AM.
kellyg403 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2013, 05:37 AM   #186
portia9
DIS Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 569

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukenick1 View Post
Ok experts......help me with this one!!

DS10 is humming an annoying tune in the car just to aggravate. DS12 asks him to stop. DS10 keeps doing it. I ask him to stop. He does it again. DS12 screams "cut it out you little idiot". I get mad at DS12 for not letting me handle it and being nasty to DS10. I finally make a threat to DS10 to stop. He finally stops (for once). This is a pattern in the car. DS10 does something, DS12 reacts immediately, instead of ignoring him. I have started asking DS12 to sit in the front seat because the two of them constantly start in the car. Do you know how many times I have turned my radio up blasting our ears just to get them to stop yelling at each other?? I cannot take them anywhere together in public. Seriously, one will aggravate the other and then they are both yelling back and forth making a scene. It is so embarrassing. Thank God DS12 is old enough to stay home alone now. What do I do??? DS10 can't do anything good in DS12's eyes, he despises him. Makes me sad.
This is my family I swear. Until recently my 12yo was my easygoing child but is now going through some delightful pre teen stuff.

I have a few comments. Firstly it is great to read a thread where most people are offering good solutions not just dumping on the OP and OP I think it is great you are considering all solutions.

I definitely notice a difference in my kid's attitudes when they have a lot of screen time. Behaviour goes down dramatically.

It did sound as if you favoured your youngest so it's good that you are trying to be more objective. Good luck OP, I have felt really overwhelmed with my lot lately and this thread has given me a lot of food for thought.
__________________
Me J 17 S 14 M 12 F 9 O 5


Book Challenge Goal for 2014-100 books


blueeyedboy~It Happened One Summer~Imperial Requiem~The Search for Anne Perry~A Sprig of Lavender~Pride and Prejudice:The Scenes Jane Austen Never Wrote~The Village Newcomers~The Mist on Bronte Moor~A Village in Jeopardy~The Next Best Thing~Village School~Life After Life~A Room of One's Own~The Rosie Project~Summertime~Cheaper By The Dozen~Belles on Their Toes~A Perfect Life~Kilmeny of the Orchard~The Real Life Mary Poppins~A Proud Taste of Scarlet and Miniver~Expectations of Happiness~The Last Wife of Henry VIII~Tempting Fate~The Rebuttal~A Storm of Swords~A Feast for Crows~A Dance of Dragons~Green Grass~Girt~Village Books~Searching for Shona~The Wonderful Wizard of Oz~The Marvelous Land of Oz~Ozma of Oz~The Maze Runner~Revenge Wears Prada~Captain Wentworth Home From the Sea~Mr Darcy's Great Escape~None But You~For You Alone~Tess of the D'urbervilles~The Pursuit of God~Is It Just Me?~Notes To My Mother-In-Law~The Little Friend~About the B'nai Bagels~Aunt Dimity's Death~Poldark~A Man Lay Dead~Attempting Elizabeth~Mrs Dalloway~The Mayor of Casterbridge~Speaking From Among the Bones~The Second Chance~Aunt Dimity and the Duke~Volunteering~The Fellowship of the Ring~The Two Towers~The Return of the King~Demelza~Innocence of Father Brown~The Lowland~The Europeans~North and South~Quartet in Autumn~Jane Eyre~Collected Works of A.J.Fikry~The Sisterhood~Come and Tell Me Some Lies~How Many Camels Are There in Holland?~
portia9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2013, 06:53 AM   #187
Social Worker Sue
Mouseketeer
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 377

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukenick1 View Post
I would really love to threaten the xbox to get sold. I would have NO PROBLEM selling that darn thing!!!! .
Don't threaten. Do it. Next time they talk back/ don't listen, you sell (or donate) the XBox.
Social Worker Sue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2013, 03:37 PM   #188
lukenick1
DIS Veteran
 
lukenick1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,588

Got an appt for this Thursday to get the ball rolling in family therapy. This person was highly recommended.
__________________
1995 Contemporary Resort
2005 AKL & Sheraton Vistana Resort
2006 Marriott Grand Vista
2009 Mariott Cypress Harbor
2012 AKL Villas
All thanks to my BFF!!!!!


lukenick1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2013, 03:51 PM   #189
LisaR
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Posts: 8,906

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukenick1 View Post
Got an appt for this Thursday to get the ball rolling in family therapy. This person was highly recommended.

Good luck!
LisaR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2013, 04:02 AM   #190
Diva of Dragons
Tiger here!!
Oldtimer despite the post count!
 
Diva of Dragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: The O.C.
Posts: 4,080

Quote:
Originally Posted by Southernmiss View Post
First it's not easy to be a parent. Kudos for wanting better solutions.

What I see from what you have posted is that you and dh should change your reactions to ds outbursts. Don't engage when he escalates his responses. Just matter of factly state the consequence. If he continues to whine state that's it and ignore him. I love John Rosemonds column in our local paper. For the ultimate consequence he says remove everything from their room except the bed. After behavior changes over time, he can gradually earn back items one at a time.
Our 4.5 year girl got so unruly for a few weeks that we took way EVERY privilege! My Mom said we couldn't do that and I told her, "If it isn't food, shelter, clothing, or affection, it is a privilege and can be taken away!" My Uncle is a family therapist and he said you can't do it at her age because she wouldn't understand.... She had to earn everything back, one thing at a time! She understood and it worked!! You have to let them know who is boss and there has to be united front and no giving in. .....Also, give them a chance to talk about what's bugging them. Not the petty stuff but is really going on, without getting defensive, really listen. Some of their behavior may be from something else they aren't saying.

It sounds like you have made some good progress by toughening up! Good luck with the therapy! I hope it helps you all find some peace!
__________________
šOšLISAšOš

Last edited by Diva of Dragons; 05-29-2013 at 04:09 AM.
Diva of Dragons is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2013, 03:12 PM   #191
Rence
Anyone who puts fashion above all else can't be all bad
 
Rence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Germantown, WI
Posts: 1,413

I had a good friend who used to majorly over-threaten .... "You touch that one more time and I'm going to chop your hand off" She never realized that her son never listened to her because he knew that she was always make huge, never follow-through threats.

I told her that if you tell him that if he touches it again that you will chop off his hand, that you'd better be ready to get the meat cleaver out. The rule is

If you threaten it, you must be 100% committed to following through with it

It sounds like you over-threaten a lot and don't follow through because if you did, they would have "no life". So scale back the threats, but absolutely, always, 100% of the time, follow through.

Threaten to lock the scooter up for a day or two, ground them for three days, take the iPod away for two days. These are all things that you can do - and once you start doing them consistently, they will listen.

Do not threaten to sell the scooter, ground them for a month or take the iPod away until Christmas - you won't actually do these, so don't threaten them. Your kids won't listen to these because they KNOW you won't do it.

If you threaten it, you must do it. Right now you have zero credibility with your kids. It will take some time to build the credibility - but once they know you mean business, you should start to see results.
__________________
Rence
Rence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2013, 04:05 PM   #192
FLCyndi
Mouseketeer
 
FLCyndi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Panhandle, FL
Posts: 367

Good Luck, it seems your going down the right road.
FLCyndi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2013, 04:30 PM   #193
mckelvey72
Mouseketeer
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 312

The one thing I have noticed lacking in all this is Father involvement. I realize it is hard when one parent works but does he have involvement with the kids cause I am not seeing much....and when he is around sounds like he is always yelling??

Secondly, I have learned with my son that playing those games puts him in a downward spiral. So now, he can play sports games, racing etc...nothing to do with shooting etc.

Thirdly, in regards to the room cleaning...give him a choice. He asks to go outside so tell him his room needs to be cleaned today so does he want to do it now or later after playing outside. Personally, if my son wants to go play outside and be active, his room can wait. Who cares if it is messy. He can spend an hour cleaning it up and a day later it is going to be messy again. Pick your battles and I don't think cleaning a room right here and right now over going outside should have been a battle.

Lastly, I agree with everyone else that the younger one sounds like a major problem. I also agree with the counseling so good luck with that.

And one last thing...is daddy allowed to leave clothes on the floor, wet towels around? In my house, my hubby is the worse and the kids see him doing it so they think they can do it. I have had to "train" him on some rules and once the kids saw daddy picking up they started doing it too. Just a thought. We do nighttime clean up before bed.....everyone gets a quick chore to do and it is done in 2 minutes typically.
__________________
Donna

mckelvey72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2013, 04:55 PM   #194
lukenick1
DIS Veteran
 
lukenick1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,588

Quote:
Originally Posted by mckelvey72 View Post
The one thing I have noticed lacking in all this is Father involvement. I realize it is hard when one parent works but does he have involvement with the kids cause I am not seeing much....and when he is around sounds like he is always yelling??

Secondly, I have learned with my son that playing those games puts him in a downward spiral. So now, he can play sports games, racing etc...nothing to do with shooting etc.

Thirdly, in regards to the room cleaning...give him a choice. He asks to go outside so tell him his room needs to be cleaned today so does he want to do it now or later after playing outside. Personally, if my son wants to go play outside and be active, his room can wait. Who cares if it is messy. He can spend an hour cleaning it up and a day later it is going to be messy again. Pick your battles and I don't think cleaning a room right here and right now over going outside should have been a battle.

Lastly, I agree with everyone else that the younger one sounds like a major problem. I also agree with the counseling so good luck with that.

And one last thing...is daddy allowed to leave clothes on the floor, wet towels around? In my house, my hubby is the worse and the kids see him doing it so they think they can do it. I have had to "train" him on some rules and once the kids saw daddy picking up they started doing it too. Just a thought. We do nighttime clean up before bed.....everyone gets a quick chore to do and it is done in 2 minutes typically.
To answer your questions.....
Dad isn't home much and when he is he ignores the small things and leaves the discipline to me. He feels I over react to everything (he is sort of right). I am VERY strict with my boys. The yelling comes in when I complain enough to him about the disrespect, then he will blow. Doesn't really know what else to do about it either. We are learning. As far as leaving the clothes on the floor DH is the WORST! He leaves his crap all over the house worse than the kids. Not sure I am ever going to break him of that. It's been 23 years now, damage is done. Maybe the counseling will help him to learn how to be a big boy and clean up after himself.
__________________
1995 Contemporary Resort
2005 AKL & Sheraton Vistana Resort
2006 Marriott Grand Vista
2009 Mariott Cypress Harbor
2012 AKL Villas
All thanks to my BFF!!!!!


lukenick1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2013, 05:08 PM   #195
lukenick1
DIS Veteran
 
lukenick1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,588

Update!!!!!

Happy to report our first family therapy session went well. Everyone was receptive and enjoyed going. We all had a chance to express our feelings and have come up with a plan to have more harmony in the house. It's going to take a while but week by week we will work on things. I have also gone to my OB and was prescribed Zoloft for PMDD and supposed to take it 7-10 days per month. Hope it helps!
__________________
1995 Contemporary Resort
2005 AKL & Sheraton Vistana Resort
2006 Marriott Grand Vista
2009 Mariott Cypress Harbor
2012 AKL Villas
All thanks to my BFF!!!!!


lukenick1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply



Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS Updates
GET OUR DIS UPDATES DELIVERED BY EMAIL



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:24 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

Copyright Đ 1997-2014, Werner Technologies, LLC. All Rights Reserved.