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Old 05-04-2013, 10:03 PM   #31
clten
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Here's a thought if you want to have the cruise for the family and also curtail some of the fun that was planned as a punishment. If you look into doing charitable work at the port you are visiting it may be rewarding in a different way. Instead of the beach trip, contact a local school and see if there is something you can do to assist. Perhaps opening a child's eyes to how other people live may help correct some behavior when they see the poverty that exists at these cruise destinations. It may make them appreciate what they have at home and see them as blessings rather than taking them for granted. Just a thought -- in case you get past paid in full date and still have some issues.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:04 PM   #32
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Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the point in waiting 3 mos until everyone is having a great time to dish out the punishment.
Dh & I try not to pick at old scabs & pour salt on them.
That would be like punishing a kid now for something he/she did the 1st week of Feb. Unless this is something major like violent/criminal behavior, most things that my kids to that drive me crazy are a distant memory 3 mos later.
I have enough perks I could take from either of my teen boys to make them plead for mercy & it wouldn't be a cell phone; that's for safety, not a toy. (They don't have smart phones.)

I surely wouldn't punish my whole family, including myself, for something ds did. His punishment would apply only to him. I don't look at vacations as rewards for all of us being good. To me it's just as necessary as working, eating, sleeping, school, etc. It's perfect mental/emotional/family therapy.

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Good luck OP!! Parenting surely is not an easy job.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:15 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruadisneyfan2 View Post
Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home.
Exactly my thoughts. Unless the kid did something that relates to cruising, it doesn't remotely make sense from a discipline standpoint.

The discipline should directly correlate to the actions. Taking away a cruise only makes sense if the kid did something wrong on a previous cruise... or highjacked a cruise ship or something.

If the child stole from you, then you keep their things. (If they stole money, they don't get an allowance. If they stole items, you take their toys.) The punishment should make sense and fit the crime.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:30 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruadisneyfan2 View Post
Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the point in waiting 3 mos until everyone is having a great time to dish out the punishment.
Dh & I try not to pick at old scabs & pour salt on them.
That would be like punishing a kid now for something he/she did the 1st week of Feb. Unless this is something major like violent/criminal behavior, most things that my kids to that drive me crazy are a distant memory 3 mos later.
I have enough perks I could take from either of my teen boys to make them plead for mercy & it wouldn't be a cell phone; that's for safety, not a toy. (They don't have smart phones.)

I surely wouldn't punish my whole family, including myself, for something ds did. His punishment would apply only to him. I don't look at vacations as rewards for all of us being good. To me it's just as necessary as working, eating, sleeping, school, etc. It's perfect mental/emotional/family therapy.

jmho.

Good luck OP!! Parenting surely is not an easy job.
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Originally Posted by pennyring View Post
Exactly my thoughts. Unless the kid did something that relates to cruising, it doesn't remotely make sense from a discipline standpoint.

The discipline should directly correlate to the actions. Taking away a cruise only makes sense if the kid did something wrong on a previous cruise... or highjacked a cruise ship or something.

If the child stole from you, then you keep their things. (If they stole money, they don't get an allowance. If they stole items, you take their toys.) The punishment should make sense and fit the crime.
I agree with these 2 posters. Unless the cruise was a reward for something specific and now your DS did something to not deserve the reward then I don't see a correlation between disciplining your child for something he did now, with your family vacation. Also, I wouldn't give any punishment in regard to the cruise itself; do you really want to have to remember what happened NOW while you're all hopefully enjoying a nice family vacation? I say this from the standpoint of YOUR happiness, as well as overall happiness of the family.

Give him a punishment now, at home, relevant to whatever he did. This is my opinion, just offering it.

It's not easy being a parent, believe me, I know! My DSs are now 25 and 22, and I am so glad to have the rough years behind us. Hang in there. All of us want you (and your family) to enjoy your cruise.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:47 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by clten View Post
Here's a thought if you want to have the cruise for the family and also curtail some of the fun that was planned as a punishment. If you look into doing charitable work at the port you are visiting it may be rewarding in a different way. .
I was thinking of this before I saw your post.
I could have sworn that I saw, somewhere, about excursions with a charitable bent.
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Old 05-05-2013, 01:49 AM   #36
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I agree with the others; punishing 3 months after the behavior may not help curb said behavior. Parenting is so tough OP. I hope you find a solution you feel okay with.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:34 AM   #37
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After your reservation is made, has your kid(s) ever done something or make a bad decision that makes you question whether to take them on a cruise? Obviously I have.

Should one child keep the whole family from a Dream vacation when leaving that child with a relative isn't an option. It's everyone or no one.
We are going through something similar but our cruise is still nearly a year away. We can't cancel because we now have 10 additional family members joining our party of 5. But trust has become an issue, so hopefully he will build it up and have the freedom he loves on the cruise.

Teenagers brains are not even fully developed until 25. The last part to develop is the impulse control portion! Not trying to make excuses - we absolutely hold this child accountable - just food for thought. Good luck! Parenting is so hard sometimes.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:31 AM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaSpray View Post
I agree with these 2 posters. Unless the cruise was a reward for something specific and now your DS did something to not deserve the reward then I don't see a correlation between disciplining your child for something he did now, with your family vacation. Also, I wouldn't give any punishment in regard to the cruise itself; do you really want to have to remember what happened NOW while you're all hopefully enjoying a nice family vacation? I say this from the standpoint of YOUR happiness, as well as overall happiness of the family.

Give him a punishment now, at home, relevant to whatever he did. This is my opinion, just offering it.

It's not easy being a parent, believe me, I know! My DSs are now 25 and 22, and I am so glad to have the rough years behind us. Hang in there. All of us want you (and your family) to enjoy your cruise.
These are all very good points, the only reason I had pause about the cruise was because it entails trust and that trust was broken and my thought in this situation was if I can't trust you at home under easy circumstances how can I trust you at sea where there could be serious consequences if you don't follow the rules.

But measures have been taken to discipline and rebuild the trust - and I've also learned a lesson that maybe a shorter leash (my term - don't flame me) is needed. On board I will not allow such a long leash of freedom.

So although what this child did was serious, I still agree that it can be resolved before the cruise. And on the cruise there will be less (if any) freedom. But it will definitely be a memorable vacation.

The kindness shown toward me on this post has been inspirational. Not once did I feel any judgement and I appreciate that so much! You all are fantastic individuals!! But then again, I wouldn't expect anything less from DISners!!
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Old 05-05-2013, 11:02 AM   #39
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Glad to hear you are making progress. I definitely agree with the others about not waiting to punish (just wanted to clarify) but as I also have an older child, I can definitely see how something could be serious enough that the punishment cannot be a one-time thing and three months out, you could still be dealing with the consequences. Definitely a trying time as a parent.

My almost-13 YO boy drives me nuts sometimes. He's a good kid and we thankfully have not yet had to deal with serious issues, but I know it could come at any time. Posting this question the way you are, I don't think anyone can criticize, because I would bet most of them don't have older kids and it's like a childless person seeing a tantruming child and thinking "My child would NEVER do that." Oh yes they will. They will push your buttons and limits and break rules. It's all in how we respond to those things. And you are trying to respond fairly and thoughtfully (the latter of which my dh still needs to work on) because the worst thing is to start throwing around punishments and then deciding later they aren't appropriate. I've even told my preteen for more minor stuff that before I can give him his punishment, I have to think about it.

Good luck, and enjoy your cruise :D
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Old 05-05-2013, 11:05 AM   #40
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Every day I question if I should be taking my son on any cruise. Most of the time on the way to the cruise I question if I should be doing cruising with him. On the cruise I question if I should have done this. Then I calm down and remember he is a 16 year old boy and does not do anything close to what I did when I was his age.
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Old 05-05-2013, 11:57 AM   #41
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Glad to hear you are making progress. I definitely agree with the others about not waiting to punish (just wanted to clarify) but as I also have an older child, I can definitely see how something could be serious enough that the punishment cannot be a one-time thing and three months out, you could still be dealing with the consequences. Definitely a trying time as a parent.

My almost-13 YO boy drives me nuts sometimes. He's a good kid and we thankfully have not yet had to deal with serious issues, but I know it could come at any time. Posting this question the way you are, I don't think anyone can criticize, because I would bet most of them don't have older kids and it's like a childless person seeing a tantruming child and thinking "My child would NEVER do that." Oh yes they will. They will push your buttons and limits and break rules. It's all in how we respond to those things. And you are trying to respond fairly and thoughtfully (the latter of which my dh still needs to work on) because the worst thing is to start throwing around punishments and then deciding later they aren't appropriate. I've even told my preteen for more minor stuff that before I can give him his punishment, I have to think about it.

Good luck, and enjoy your cruise :D
So true. Everyone is a parenting expert until they actually become one. Then you can easily spend a lifetime second guessing yourself.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:16 PM   #42
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Every day I question if I should be taking my son on any cruise. Most of the time on the way to the cruise I question if I should be doing cruising with him. On the cruise I question if I should have done this. Then I calm down and remember he is a 16 year old boy and does not do anything close to what I did when I was his age.
This truly made me feel better. Sometimes as a parent we feel we are on a island all by ourselves. To know others have the same feelings makes me feel better.

I guess that fact that my kids love my company (still) is a good sign. Some kids wouldn't even want to go on a cruise with their parents. I'm a very lucky Mom!
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:25 PM   #43
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This truly made me feel better. Sometimes as a parent we feel we are on a island all by ourselves. To know others have the same feelings makes me feel better.

I guess that fact that my kids love my company (still) is a good sign. Some kids wouldn't even want to go on a cruise with their parents. I'm a very lucky Mom!
Everyone has challenges with parenting, but a lot of people don't want to talk about their specific challenges. It is very humbling, as you said.

It sounds like you are working your way towards a solution just simply by taking a deep breath and calming down.

You are lucky that your kids want to travel with you. By the time my oldest with 13 he was already digging in his heels and complaining while we were on vacation. So instead of listening to him complain, we left him in the room with permission only to go to the food court. He spent the rest of the day watching TV and playing gameboy. When we came home at dinner time he demeanor totally changed and he was good for the rest of the vacation.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:28 PM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeAndNick View Post
Every day I question if I should be taking my son on any cruise. Most of the time on the way to the cruise I question if I should be doing cruising with him. On the cruise I question if I should have done this. Then I calm down and remember he is a 16 year old boy and does not do anything close to what I did when I was his age.


Exactly!! At least that I know of.
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Old 05-05-2013, 04:54 PM   #45
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I am so glad the comments on this thread have been so supporting! Our, now 35 year old, second son thanked us for the guidance and support we gave him in his youth. He was 27 when he told us that he doesn't know how we stood by him, and believe me, hearing this was so wonderful.

He's a new father and recently asked how do you deal with the times his son will want to do something he should not do?!

OP, I truly hope you resolve the issue and enjoy the vacation. However, even if there's more to come, stand by him, keep trying, I do believe the struggle is worth it, and as a parent, you can help him mature.

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