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Old 03-12-2013, 01:46 PM   #46
gottaluvPluto
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Did you ever communicate to your mom about spending more time with the grandkids? My mom doesn't think to ask for my kids; however, I ask her if she would like to do something with the kids and I pay for it 100%. If she says no fine, but most of the time it is yes.

I would tell your mom that this is strictly a financial reason for leaving. If she badgers you then tell her that she needs to stop badgering and drop the subject.
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:14 PM   #47
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I still think the best way for OP to handle her situation is to make it about work and not about the grandmother AT ALL.

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Originally Posted by disykat View Post
Many of us have explained this - it's about interest level more than anything. My kid's grandparents all live in another state, but I also consider them "full time grandparents" and "active and involved." My kids feel loved by them.

I would be the first to agree that expecting constant babysitting from a grandparent is wrong. That's not the vibe I got from the OP.
But the OP did come back and explain she thought keeping them overnight every couple of months was a minimum. I happen to think someone can be a very involved and loving grandparent without ever keeping a preschool aged child (much less two) at your home overnight while the parent is not there.

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I don't think most people have read the OP (or updates) very carefully. He is not saying he expected full-time, free babysitting. He's saying his mother has only had the kids (alone) twice in TWO YEARS. I'd expect a lot more than that from a grandparent living in the same city, too. Not because I wanted free childcare, but because I would want my kids to have a relationship with their grandmother that was closer than babysitting once a year! Of course, it's her choice and if she isn't willing, nothing can be done...but I'd still be upset about it!
But the OP has not said anything about how much time the grandmother spends with the kids when the OP is there. Why does the time have to be ALONE for it to count? I don't get that.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:00 PM   #48
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I think I know where you are coming from OP. My mom became a Grandmother in her late 30s when my sister had her first baby when she was 18. My nephew lived at my house, more than his own, and my mom doted on her grandson so much, it made ME jealous (I was 16). Fast forward 15 years, when I have my first son at age 30....my mom rarely had him over to spend the night, and never did anything special with him. According to her, then "kids made her nervous". It really hurt my feelings, because she showered such attention to her first grandson, and pretty much only saw mine, when I'd drop by to visit. I wanted my kids to have the whole "Grandma" experience....you know, making cookies together, snuggling in her lap while being read to. It had nothing to do with my mom "keeping" or "watching" them for me, I just wanted her to show them the same attention she showed my older nephews.

It might have had a lot to do with my sister and brother in law having their baby so young, maybe my mom felt like she was needed more, than when I had mine when I was 30. It still hurts, and to this day, she's still way closer to my two nephews than my two sons.

On the other hand......TOLEDO?!!!! How in the world can you move from these beautiful mountains?!!
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:04 PM   #49
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Yep my mother was 16 when she had my sister, sister was 19 when she had my nephew. This thread was about finding the best way to break the news. Thank you for the advice I'm just concerned she is going to question me and the conversation is going to get turned from the financials which are the major reasons to her lack of involvement with the kids. Thanks for all the well wishes on the move but we have our first Disney(land) trip before we head back east.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:37 PM   #50
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Let me clarify a a few things. Before the original move I specifically asked her if she would be able to help with childcare. I know no one in Colorado and I'm not a big fan of leaving my kids with strangers. She told me yes, between that and her past I feel there was reason to expect some effort in that regard. I've asked her once to take the kids to the amusement park(she bought SP's when said niece and nephew were in town) only to be made to feel like I was asking for the world. Needless to say I didn't ask again. As for quality time take last night for example DW invited them for dinner last week they live less than five minutes from us. DW is in the kitchen for three hours they show up ten minutes before dinner is served take twenty minutes to eat and out the door ten minutes later. The next time we will see them is probably Easter. As I have said though I feel like I have to keep defending myself when this even what the thread was intended for. Thank you to the PP that suggested just ending the conversation if she tries to badger. I suppose I would rather come off as a jerk for ending the conversation than blaming her.
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:43 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JakeJenna
Let me clarify a a few things. Before the original move I specifically asked her if she would be able to help with childcare. I know no one in Colorado and I'm not a big fan of leaving my kids with strangers. She told me yes, between that and her past I feel there was reason to expect some effort in that regard. I've asked her once to take the kids to the amusement park(she bought SP's when said niece and nephew were in town) only to be made to feel like I was asking for the world. Needless to say I didn't ask again. As for quality time take last night for example DW invited them for dinner last week they live less than five minutes from us. DW is in the kitchen for three hours they show up ten minutes before dinner is served take twenty minutes to eat and out the door ten minutes later. The next time we will see them is probably Easter. As I have said though I feel like I have to keep defending myself when this even what the thread was intended for. Thank you to the PP that suggested just ending the conversation if she tries to badger. I suppose I would rather come off as a jerk for ending the conversation than blaming her.
I feel your pain. My inlays like I mentioned have no relationship with my kids. We invited my mother in law to my son's college graduation and she ignored it. When confronted she said she didn't receive an invite. She was sent one by mail, one by email, and a phone call. She has seen my ten year old once. It is hurtful but I finally realized that it is their loss! Good luck!
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:07 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Gumbo4x4 View Post
I used to work with a gal who was a grandma at 36
I know someone who just became a grandma at age 32. Her 18-year-old daughter had a baby. Yep, do the math!

We're late bloomers in my family. When I had my child, I was almost 40 & my mom was 76!
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:26 PM   #53
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OP, I'd keep it about the job and the opportunity for your family.

If she starts with "But you're taking my grnadchild away" or whatever, probably the best response is "Mom you seem to have a pretty full life here so I'm sure you'll be fine and you can come visit us in Toledo".
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