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Old 03-02-2013, 11:10 AM   #181
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I didn't have time to read through all 12 pages, but living in NC, I can tell you the way they decide CS is probably the most fair way to do so. They have a chart that shows how much the average family with $X total income spends to raise how every many children are in the divorcing household. Then they look at what % of the income the custodial and non-custodial parent earn. So, if a family with 2 children with a combined income of $50,000 splits up, and the noncustodial parent makes $25,000, they would be expected to pay 50% of whatever the figure in the chart shows. Things like daycare costs, etc, can increase that amount.

In my case, my ex and I made about the same thing and he only had to pay $225/month. No daycare costs to add in, but he did have to keep insurance on our son. The amount did not change when he worked a second job, or I worked a second job. It was barely enough to buy my son's share of food once he hit 8 or 9, not to mention clothes, housing, extracurricular activities, toys, etc.
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Old 03-02-2013, 12:18 PM   #182
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I wasn't specifically referring to HER ex. I don't know people's person situations and the comment I made was a general one.

Non custodial parents shouldn't be stretched so far beyond their means they can't live themselves either.

Their kids need to be taken care of yes. I agree 100%.

However if I was going on trips. ..getting my nails done etc and my ex was having trouble...I dont get how someone could accept money with a clear conscious if he was visibily struggling. (And I don't mean crying poor me). But that's just me.

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I think the problem is that most of the moms are dealing with a dad who is down on his luck, they are dealing with a deadbeat, who is either avoiding paying, or spending his money unwisely like gambling or drinking. At least these are the dads I have heard about with my girlfriends.
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Old 03-02-2013, 02:29 PM   #183
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Sorry, my question was answered when I read a bit more.
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Old 03-02-2013, 08:14 PM   #184
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Originally Posted by mamabear0222 View Post
I wasn't specifically referring to HER ex. I don't know people's person situations and the comment I made was a general one.

Non custodial parents shouldn't be stretched so far beyond their means they can't live themselves either.

Their kids need to be taken care of yes. I agree 100%. ,

However if I was going on trips. ..getting my nails done etc and my ex was having trouble...I dont get how someone could accept money with a clear conscious if he was visibily struggling. (And I don't mean crying poor me). But that's just me.

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I agree with parts of your post. Neither parent should be stretched beyond their means in order to pay their part of supporting their child. However, in my personal experience with my ex, his being stretched was his own fault. He is constantly buying things like big screen tvs, a boat, expensive cameras, etc., while complaining that he has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. He got $40K in a settlement and in 9 months it was gone, with barely anything to show for it. So, I don't feel bad that I go to Disney World or to the beach. I work 2 jobs and have a very strict budget otherwise.

My son is now 18 and I receive nothing, even though he is still dependent on me. I do appreciate my ex keeping my son on his insurance. He has to insure his younger child, so it doesn't cost him extra, but he isn't required to do it.
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Old 03-02-2013, 11:18 PM   #185
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He is not going to be able to have the same lifestyle he did when he was married. That is one of the things that come with divorce. Even if the mother works they are now supporting the kids and two households with the same income. Living expenses go up when you divide the household. That's the way it works.
This is exactly right. I sometimes wonder if people really think this simple concept through before they get divorced with young kids. I remember my DBiL complaining that he had to pay $700 a month for his 3 kids' child support while we were paying more than that for daycare alone for our 3 kids.

Reading through all the posts, the 50/50 custody sounds like the ideal situation for all involved. Then you avoid the whole accountability issue, where one parent is accusing the other of not spending the money on the kids. I totally agree with PP who say that the best thing that you can do for your kids is try to be civil with your ex, and keep the best interest of the kids in mind. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

OP: I feel so bad for you, dealing with the loss of your husband and then watching your son's world fall apart. Even if you can't help him financially, being there for him while he deals with a very stressful situation is worth more than money.

Last edited by hellow; 03-03-2013 at 12:18 AM. Reason: add thought
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Old 03-03-2013, 03:59 AM   #186
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He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.
I'm married and I never get a day off so I'm really not understanding your point. When you decide to have children, that comes with the territory. How would you feel if he was still married to her? All of his money would be supporting the household.

ETA: I didn't realize we were up to page 13 already, lol. I'm late to the party.
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Old 03-03-2013, 05:09 AM   #187
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Reading through all the posts, the 50/50 custody sounds like the ideal situation for all involved. .
... except, perhaps, the kids.

It's rough on them no matter how it's done I guess. But being bounced from one "home" to another, without ONE they can really call their home, is rough on the kids. Having half their stuff on one home and the other half in another can be confusing.... two sets of clothes, two sets of toys, two sets of friends. The old "I left my homework at my dad's house" excuse comes up more often than you would believe (and frequently from the really good kids, not just the kids grasping at any excuse.)

I really don't know what the answer is. I'm sure divorce is incredibly hard on all concerned. But I do wish and hope that the adults who bring kids into the world would place THEIR needs at the top of the list of priorities.
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:16 AM   #188
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... except, perhaps, the kids.

It's rough on them no matter how it's done I guess. But being bounced from one "home" to another, without ONE they can really call their home, is rough on the kids. Having half their stuff on one home and the other half in another can be confusing.... two sets of clothes, two sets of toys, two sets of friends. The old "I left my homework at my dad's house" excuse comes up more often than you would believe (and frequently from the really good kids, not just the kids grasping at any excuse.)

I really don't know what the answer is. I'm sure divorce is incredibly hard on all concerned. But I do wish and hope that the adults who bring kids into the world would place THEIR needs at the top of the list of priorities.
My cousin's judge back in the 80's was way ahead in his thinking. The parents got a 2 bedroom apartment where they each had a locked bedroom. They were the ones who moved every 2 weeks, while their kids stayed in their own home with their own things. I think that is the way to go.

My son only went to his dad's 1-2 weekends a month and it was more of a novelty for him when he was younger. As he got older, he grew to dread the weekends where he couldn't go to parties, movies with friends or just do nothing. Now that he is a young adult, he drives over for a few hours and then comes home.
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:30 AM   #189
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I haven't read through this whole thread but I have seen some men who are truly deadbeat dads and don't want to pay. I've also seen the custodial parent spend all the money on herself and then go back to court and ask for more. I dated a guy who had an ex-wife like that - he was making good money so his child support was a lot, like $1000 per month for one child and that was back in the early 80s. She would leave the kid with her mother and go on lavish vacations, always had the best clothes, a brand new car, etc., but the child was always ignored. She took him back to court a few times, he felt guilty over the child and agreed to pay more. The last time she threatened to take him back to court he told her he was going to ask the court for custody of their daughter. She changed her tune after that! He did eventually get custody of the child after she found a new sugar daddy and her daughter just got in the way. We broke up after a year of dating but I always remained friends with him just because I always thought of him as one of the "good guys". It's not always the guy at fault, although that certainly does happen more times than not. I always used to tease my husband when we were younger that he could never leave me because he'd have to pay so much in child support for 3 kids.
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Old 03-03-2013, 11:48 AM   #190
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My cousin's judge back in the 80's was way ahead in his thinking. The parents got a 2 bedroom apartment where they each had a locked bedroom. They were the ones who moved every 2 weeks, while their kids stayed in their own home with their own things. I think that is the way to go.
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This was a great idea.
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Old 03-03-2013, 11:54 AM   #191
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The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

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Old 03-03-2013, 12:19 PM   #192
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The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

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Not to mention it doesn't account for any children not from that union, so half siblings from before or after will never be able to spend time together in the same house.
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Old 03-03-2013, 01:09 PM   #193
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Not to mention it doesn't account for any children not from that union, so half siblings from before or after will never be able to spend time together in the same house.
Plus, what happens when one or both parents move on and remarry. Are the new spouses supposed to pack up and move in with the kids every other week too?

I think the situation outlined above is a good temporary solution. But I don't think it is feasible long term.
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Old 03-03-2013, 01:58 PM   #194
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Plus, what happens when one or both parents move on and remarry. Are the new spouses supposed to pack up and move in with the kids every other week too?

I think the situation outlined above is a good temporary solution. But I don't think it is feasible long term.
Yes exactly.
Now I'm not saying divorce is a good thing, but I don't think it's always this horrible physiologically scarring event either. Lots of kids friends have talked about liking having two homes . Things like two Christmas's and two birthdays, double the presents, having two rooms the can decorate different ways. More vacations , I realize these are superficial things, but things, but to kids they appear to be bonuses lol . I heard one kid talk about how he loves the week rotation because if he gets grounded at one house, he normally isn't at the other house .
Now that made me chuckle, nothing like working the system. If your going be bad do it at the end of the week !! Then your only in trouble for a day before you leave!
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Old 03-03-2013, 02:25 PM   #195
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The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

TP
I had a student whose parents did this. The parents split the cost of rent on an apartment that they stayed at when it was not their turn to be at the house. It was cheaper than having maintaining two places big enough for the kids, and the kids were not the ones with all the hassle and stress of being constantly on the go.

I think that is a great solution, but I agree it could get very problematic if their are kids from other marriages, or if the new parents have a job relocation or want to get serious and move in with or marry someone else, etc.
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