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Old 02-26-2013, 09:11 AM   #1
luvslikepi
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Unhappy Fellow DISmoms/dads I need some advice.

There is a big part of me that wants to book this 4 day Bahamas Disney cruise as a gift to myself for finishing this particularly difficult semester that departs April 14...it's a four day'er. Not long but a break from reality would be very welcome after this semester. I'll be done with classes on April 11...last lecture and assignment due (I'm working on a PhD.) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation. Jason also has to go to NCO Academy sometime soon after returning. Another 6 weeks away. We have the money. More than enough actually. The one good thing about deployments is that we can save a good chunk of money. Plus with our little tax deduction we're getting a good return this year. What do I do? I think if I go it might piss Jason off. But I need something to break me out of my rut right now and he cannot guarantee me a vacation again this year because of military obligations. I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation. Needless to say after what seems like an endless deployment, working full time, going to school full time and taking care of three dogs and a baby I'm a little burned out and no one seems to get that I would very much like to veg out for awhile. Lilly would go with me. She did great at Disneyland so a cruise seems like no worries for me. But like I said I'm so indecisive right now I need some advice.
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Old 02-26-2013, 12:44 PM   #2
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I've done solo trips and I've gone to DLR with just my son when DH's work keeps him from traveling with us. But I, personally, won't do anything NEW with my son when DH isn't around. OK there are always new things happening, but if this would be your first cruise since baby, I wouldn't personally go on it.

But then I also know that it's HARD to have a true, proper, relaxing vacation when you have a baby (or toddler or young child), because if you're not directly caring for them, you're worrying about who is caring for them. Just not a lot of uninterrupted rest there. So you might be after something that's going to be hard to find while baby is so little...

Can you talk about it with your husband? Surely he can see (or hear? if he's deployed and isn't in the room with you?) how stressed you are? And if he knows that vacations, even with a baby, relax you, perhaps he's already thinking of where you can go and what you can do to decompress. He might surprise you.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:14 PM   #3
luvslikepi
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Originally Posted by bumbershoot View Post
But then I also know that it's HARD to have a true, proper, relaxing vacation when you have a baby (or toddler or young child), because if you're not directly caring for them, you're worrying about who is caring for them. Just not a lot of uninterrupted rest there. So you might be after something that's going to be hard to find while baby is so little...

Can you talk about it with your husband? Surely he can see (or hear? if he's deployed and isn't in the room with you?) how stressed you are? And if he knows that vacations, even with a baby, relax you, perhaps he's already thinking of where you can go and what you can do to decompress. He might surprise you.
He has already said that he does not want to go on a cruise, I personally love cruising and find it to be the most relaxing type of vacation. Also, I have tried talking with him...in depth....about how much I need a break and his reply is always to either quit school or work. Neither of which I can do. I could quit school but it would damage my ability to find a good job that I actually enjoy. I can't quit my job because we both like our current lifestyle of living. Most of my family has not been very supportive about my need for a break, period. Or at least, I've felt like they have not been very supportive.

My heart is saying I've got to do something vacation-ee, while my head is saying you need to wait. I hate it when those two thought processes are in opposition to one another. I actually emailed him this morning and said....hey..my classes are done April 11...can I take a four day trip with DISbaby? And the independent person in my bones hated that I felt I had to ask him if I could take a vacation.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:15 PM   #4
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I think you need to get to an understanding between you and your DH before you make a decision. I can not pretend to understand what the life of a wife that has a deployed husband is like but I am sure that stressed is an understatement of your life right now but I am sure your DH has been stressed to being deployed and the father of a new baby. I can understand he may not be happy about being away and then you spending a lot of money on a cruise without him....not saying it is wrong, just seeing both sides. Maybe figure out a shorter get-a way for now for all three of you...sure he wants some time with your DD too, and save the cruise for when he can get some PTO.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:15 PM   #5
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I say go. If you need a break, have the money, and he cannot go with hubs has no right to be ticked off about it, IMO assuming that this is not something you do on a regular basis. Eveyone needs time off at some point, and if you truly need a break I think he should at least make an effort to understand, and you shouldn't have to be afraid of making him angry. Talk to him in a frank, unemotional manner about the fact that you really need to get away for a few days, and if he is still angry I think it is his problem rather than yours. I know it probably sounds harsh to some, but there comes a point in your life when other people's expectations have to take a backseat to what you truly need. It doesn't really sound to me like he is making any effort to be understanding of your situation or helpful in the least. I owuldn't be asking "can I". I would be saying "hey, I'm thinking of going on a cruise with the kiddo. I really need a break. Whay do you think." My husband doesn't tell me what i can and cannot do, rather we make decisions TOGETHER based on what we both think is best at the time. He is going to have to start meeting you in the middle or it is going to be a long road.

Last edited by cheer25mom; 02-26-2013 at 01:20 PM.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:30 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by luvslikepi View Post
...(Working on a PhD) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation....(snip).... I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation.
Let me preface this by apologizing in advance if I've not understood the scenario properly or accurately. With that caveat, I'll offer these thoughts. I'm a father of two teenagers, no military affiliations of any kind, so I can't offer any direct experience in that vein. But, understanding what I think I do...here goes..

Does the time frame you relay imply 1-1/2 to 2 years with no vacation-type time with your husband due to military deployments? And he has already told you he can't promise another vacation this year due to military obligations?

I surely am in no position to tell anyone with military affiliations what's the right or wrong thing to do for their family, but I've got to tell you, when I see the reunion videos of families separated for months or years due to deployments everywhere, and see tears running down young and adult faces just for the sight of that family member, it seems to me that every possible second I could spend with that family member would be precious.

As for me, and I can only speak for myself, were I a military type, and I thought I'd be going upwards of two years abiding military deployments without seeing my wife or family, and had only one near-term window of opportunity to spend some time with them, I would be brokenhearted to discover that my wife preferred to make other plans for a cruise with friends. Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic

Again, if I've misunderstood the situation, my apologies.

I'm hoping you can resolve your schedules such that you an spend some quality time together. PhD's and money are transitory, and babies grow up. Time spent with loved ones can never be lost, nor the lost time recaptured.

Good luck in your decision.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:40 PM   #7
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Let me preface this by apologizing in advance if I've not understood the scenario properly or accurately. With that caveat, I'll offer these thoughts. I'm a father of two teenagers, no military affiliations of any kind, so I can't offer any direct experience in that vein. But, understanding what I think I do...here goes..

Does the time frame you relay imply 1-1/2 to 2 years with no vacation-type time with your husband due to military deployments? And he has already told you he can't promise another vacation this year due to military obligations?

I surely am in no position to tell anyone with military affiliations what's the right or wrong thing to do for their family, but I've got to tell you, when I see the reunion videos of families separated for months or years due to deployments everywhere, and see tears running down young and adult faces just for the sight of that family member, it seems to me that every possible second I could spend with that family member would be precious.

As for me, and I can only speak for myself, were I a military type, and I thought I'd be going upwards of two years abiding military deployments without seeing my wife or family, and had only one near-term window of opportunity to spend some time with them, I would be brokenhearted to discover that my wife preferred to make other plans for a cruise with friends. Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic

Again, if I've misunderstood the situation, my apologies.

I'm hoping you can resolve your schedules such that you an spend some quality time together. PhD's and money are transitory, and babies grow up. Time spent with loved ones can never be lost, nor the lost time recaptured.

Good luck in your decision.
Mabye I read it wrong. I thought her husband was away and would be away through the trip, so she wouldn't be spending time with him anyway?? I thought she was planning on taking this trip with the baby while he was still deployed.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:47 PM   #8
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I am not a military wife, so I'm not drawing from experience. I actually have no idea how things usually work. But why can't you just go whereever you want when he's away at deployment?

While I understand he is still part of the family unit no matter where he is, the truth of the matter is that if the funding is there, and you have the time, why is he weighing in on this at all? He is making a huge sacrifice by leaving his family and serving his country. I genuinely appreciate what he is doing. At the same time, he has left you to your own devices, your own resources and left the care of his child with you. You need to be able to act independently and care for yourself and your child as you see fit. As the only active parent at the moment.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:52 PM   #9
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Mabye I read it wrong. I thought her husband was away and would be away through the trip, so she wouldn't be spending time with him anyway?? I thought she was planning on taking this trip with the baby while he was still deployed.
Perhaps I misread. I will double check and amend accordingly if need be.

EDIT: You are correct. The cruise was in April, the graduation with the nephew was in June. My apologies. I am entirely in error.

I said I would amend my original reply, but the edit window has elapsed and the option is no longer available.

OP: Given my corrected reading of your situation, I see no reason not to take the trip.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:58 PM   #10
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I would go 100%. In order to be a good mother and wife, you need to take care of yourself and your mental health. You deserve a break.
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Old 02-26-2013, 05:07 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by luvslikepi View Post
There is a big part of me that wants to book this 4 day Bahamas Disney cruise as a gift to myself for finishing this particularly difficult semester that departs April 14...it's a four day'er. Not long but a break from reality would be very welcome after this semester. I'll be done with classes on April 11...last lecture and assignment due (I'm working on a PhD.) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation. Jason also has to go to NCO Academy sometime soon after returning. Another 6 weeks away. We have the money. More than enough actually. The one good thing about deployments is that we can save a good chunk of money. Plus with our little tax deduction we're getting a good return this year. What do I do? I think if I go it might piss Jason off. But I need something to break me out of my rut right now and he cannot guarantee me a vacation again this year because of military obligations. I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation. Needless to say after what seems like an endless deployment, working full time, going to school full time and taking care of three dogs and a baby I'm a little burned out and no one seems to get that I would very much like to veg out for awhile. Lilly would go with me. She did great at Disneyland so a cruise seems like no worries for me. But like I said I'm so indecisive right now I need some advice.


Okay, Military Wife wife here

Life married to the military can be hard. Add to it that stress, school, baby, fur babies, and a job. Totally understandable that you want to get away.

May I suggest, you rethink your gift to yourself. DH is away right now(if I understand right). Comes home and goes off to school. From DH's point of view, it MIGHT look like you are looking for someone else . Or that you MIGHT be lured/tempted by someone because he has been gone. If you are home than that won't happen. Just how he copes.

I have been through waay too many deployments(10). We have had good reunions and rough ones. Respectful communication is key. Than trying to see and understand the other person's view point is also important. In 17yrs, we have seen couples grow from this and couples divorce over this.

Maybe you can spend the night in a local hotel, hire a babysitter and get a message.

You are going to a Graduation in June, plan something for then. The planning process will help you to relax a little bit. Maybe book a hotel instead of staying with realitives/friends.

In the next 2 yrs, you might be able to take a 3-night cruise. After DH is done with his deployment and insanity he might be more open. Ask him AFTER everything is done. Ask him to try a 3 night cruise for you and DISbaby.
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Old 02-27-2013, 09:04 AM   #12
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Thanks everyone.

Yes, he will be gone through the first week of May, most likely. We had booked a Fantasy cruise for May 4th because he had no orders to deploy at the time but of course they came up and we had to cancel.

I am just very disappointed because I do not get to go with him to Texas in June. He's taking the DISbaby and going without me because Qualifying Exams for my PhD were scheduled that same week. I even asked the school about taking them in the Fall but it's not allowed...you have to be "continually enrolled." So I'm worried that if I don't even get a little break between now and then that once I start dissertation work it will be a considerable no go for vacations.

I have lots to consider and discuss with him. Thank you all.
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Old 02-27-2013, 10:34 AM   #13
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I'm a mom of four, ages 3-12. Although my DH is not military, he does work 6-7 days a week, and is gone on average 10-12 hours a day so I'm on my own with the kids quite a lot. I'm not working but I'm in school.

I just recently took a solo trip for a long weekend and it was the best. At first, my DH was bummed that I didn't want him to come but after a very nice conversation, he came to see that being a 24/7 mom is draining both physically and emotionally for me and that I needed to get away. I am never ever alone...ever! Lining up child care for my kids was like coordinating a visit with the President...lol. A lot of planning and scheduling but in the end, it was great. I spent four days away and didn't call home once.

Knowing that you have a long road ahead of you with the deployment, I hope that you can get away by yourself and catch the break that you deserve. Let us know what you end up doing!
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:34 PM   #14
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Of course, I know nothing about your dissertation, but generally isn't that a self paced research assignment? Couldn't you take a few days for vacation and then double up on your work before and afterward?

I hope your talk with DH goes well. I'm sure he understands you're under considerable pressure with work and school and DISbaby. Single parenting, even while married, is SO tough.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:50 PM   #15
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Do it. As a mom who's gone through a deployment, and who is about to go through another, you NEED a break. I wanted to go one a "pre-deployment" trip this past winter, but other conflicts arose and I couldn't. I am hoping I can go when he gets home, because I desperately need a break from the children after being a "single for now" mom. I don't know how single parents do it, except maybe that adult interaction that I assume most of them get while working has to help. But as a SAHM with 3 kids..... with little down time, the break is so needed. TAKE THE TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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