Tell me how you would feel....

[a1tinkfans]

Sometimes people need to just suck it up and do what is inconvenient or downright annoying.
All I know is...
One dad your loved one wont be there...if the aggravation isnt worth the effort now, dont cry later........


Best wishes to your dad and his caregiver (regardless of her intentions,..it is Not easy!)

No one is here forever..just say'n

[lizabu]

It sounds like she's either stressed out or trying to be a martyr or both. I wouldn't give her a chance to say no. Just drop by and see your Dad. Maybe bring a casserole or offer to help her while you're there. Then she will see you're not an added burden. You are trying to ease the burden on her.

[RitaE]

I mean this as respectfully as possible but you and your siblings need to quit worrying so much about "visiting" and start brainstorming about ways to help.

[bigbabyblues]

I don't know if your dad's dementia is this advanced, or if he is different... My Momma had dementia and the times my Papa took her places, even to my house, she got so upset and agitated. I would be careful of taking him someplace, especially if she doesn't go, unless this isn't the casse with him.

I am agreeing with those that said she is exhausted, stressed, probably depressed, etc. she probably doesn't mean to come across the way she does.

I hope your family can work something out, including getting someone to help her with his care, housekeeping, etc. I know how horrible dementia is.

[weeluvdisney]

Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama

Please note that I mean this kindly and in no way am I being snarky.
That said- I think your Mom sounds exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, and resentful. That is not to say she is a raving loon. I am simply saying that being a caregiver and holding it all together is hard. She loves her husband and is probably grieving him. She is working to pay the bills which is always stressful especially when you are praying all day that your dh didn't wander outside and get lost or God forbid do something to hurt himself because he doesn't realize. I think she is resentful of the way his children want to waltz in and out to visit and she gets to do everything else. I can understand that. She may be thinking-"Oh, you want to visit? Really? God forbid you strain yourself and actually help out. You want to visit then take him to your home where I don't have more work hosting you. See what it is really like. I am struggling here and nobody is helping me at all. Darling son."
Or she may just be tired and simply does not want to deal with anyone. I would probably be mad too. She has a lot on her shoulders. Of course I could be totally wrong but that is my thought on this.

I entirely agree with this. My husband and I are the caregivers for his mother. Her sedentary lifestyle has caught up with her and she has fallen alot in the last few years along with having several car accidents. She has no stamina or strength because in all the yrs I've known her she sits in front of the TV 16 hours a day unless she is going somewhere. We are having to help with EVERYTHING. Fatherinlaw has passed on but they have lived in our home for a long time now and we have done so much physically and financially. We are still raising kids and have alot of other responsibilities and also trying to have a life ourselves. My husband has BEGGED and PLEADED with his sister to help and she has done NOTHING. To see her come over here less and less and watch her visit and waltz out of here to do whatever she pleases makes me want to spit nails at her face. His other sister who doesn't live around here is not even answering his phone calls when he calls to vent. Even if your mom wasn't working it would be taxing to say the least, just taking care of him and the household chores. I think your mom is overworked, overwhelmed and resentful and exhausted.....and rightfully so. Tell your mom to hang in there. It sure is not easy and I feel for her.

[punkin]

Originally Posted by RitaE

I mean this as respectfully as possible but you and your siblings need to quit worrying so much about "visiting" and start brainstorming about ways to help.

This. Your mother doesn't want "guests" in her house. They only create more work for her and she is already overloaded. If your brother actually helped instead of "visiting" I wonder if her reaction would be different.

I know this isn't exactly the same but after I had my older DD, my mother cooked, cleaned, took care of everything so I could focus on the baby. My GMIL came for an hour to coo over the baby and comment how dirty my house was getting. I feel for your mother.

[mad madam mim78]

I guess maybe another question is how much help and effort should you give parents who gave no real effort to raising their kids. I know she's probably tired and feels lonely and trapped, but I have so many times growing up felt the same. My mother and father were very self absorbed people and I was often made to feel children should be seen and not heard. There's a history of alcoholism with my father. When he was sober he was more of a "buddy" than a father. My mother drank too but always played the victim. But hey....every now and then they took us to theme parks or a movie. I'm sure I need therapy. I just really feel no moral obligation to either of my parents. Especially my father. My mom tried harder but always was the martyr and let us all know all the time. There's a lot of back story here but i guess I'm kind of in a position where I'm saying "you made your bed, now lay in it". Heartless as it sounds.

[Agri]

My mom has terminal brain cancer and has been bedridden for months. If someone called up and asked to visit her who hasn't been helping, I'd tell them no or ignore them.

It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love fall apart bit by bit. It's incredibly hard to have to do more and more for someone you used to look to for support and aid.

As a person goes downhill and you have to do more and more without help, you resent people who just want to drop by. The truth is that it is incredibly selfish to just expect to come by and "visit". There is fallout from ANY change in routine not to mention having to prepare and deal with visitors.

I'm going to take a wild stab here and assume that neither you nor your brother are fully aware of all that it takes to care for him nor are you aware of his routines. If someone were to come by and say careless things to my mom like "I'm sure you'll be up and about soon" or "I'm sure you'll feel better soon" it could ruin her day. She'd be distressed and crying and inconsolable and I'd have to give her medication to calm her down. More importantly, SHE would be distressed, I would be distressed and all of this could have been avoided had I just said no visitors.

I'm also going to guess that he rarely asks how SHE is doing along with balking at any request to actually help.

I can understand your mother's reasoning that you have kids - YOU are also a caregiver with your own responsibilities. While it's demanding in a different way, when you're a caregiver it's easier to understand and relate to others with similar responsibilities.

Your brother needs to be calling up asking to take care of him for the weekend so she can have a break. What are either of you going to do with your dad if your mom gets too sick to take care of him?

Your mother is probably very resentful (and rightfully so, tbh) that the one child who keeps wanting to visit who doesn't have other human beings relying on him isn't helping out at all. Your brother needs to either help out or make peace with the fact that by choosing to let your mother take care of everything he is also choosing to not see his dad.

[cabanafrau]

Originally Posted by mad madam mim78

I guess maybe another question is how much help and effort should you give parents who gave no real effort to raising their kids. I know she's probably tired and feels lonely and trapped, but I have so many times growing up felt the same. My mother and father were very self absorbed people and I was often made to feel children should be seen and not heard. There's a history of alcoholism with my father. When he was sober he was more of a "buddy" than a father. My mother drank too but always played the victim. But hey....every now and then they took us to theme parks or a movie. I'm sure I need therapy. I just really feel no moral obligation to either of my parents. Especially my father. My mom tried harder but always was the martyr and let us all know all the time. There's a lot of back story here but i guess I'm kind of in a position where I'm saying "you made your bed, now lay in it". Heartless as it sounds.

You and your siblings all need to decide for yourselves if you're willing to truly pitch in and help in order to insure that the next visit with dad isn't while he's in his casket, or stick to your convictions that they are reaping what they sowed and you are under no obligation to feel otherwise. Once the real end has come and taken away all opportunities to make a choice, not many people wish they had spent less time and had done less. There isn't any going back from that and can be a heavy burden to carry the rest of your life. It may well be that the truly selfish choice is to lend a hand and spend some time while you can.

[mad madam mim78]

Originally Posted by sunshinehighway

Being a caregiver is extremely difficult and stressful. I do understand that so please don't take my question to mean I don't.

Is your mom doing this to make it difficult for him to help her so she can turn around and either complain about not getting help or control everything because she's doing all the work?

I feel my mom is this way a lot. I think she wants help but doesn't want him around to help. It's weird. I really think she thrives on playing the woe is me card. Wants people to say "oh poor her". She hints at stuff but never asks so you never know what she's thinking. If she's expecting people to just volunteer it's not gonna happen. It happens with my DH all the time. You basically have to say "hey put up that light fixture this weekend". If I hint at it like "man it would be great if that light fixture was up" it would never get done.

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally Posted by mad madam mim78

I guess maybe another question is how much help and effort should you give parents who gave no real effort to raising their kids. I know she's probably tired and feels lonely and trapped, but I have so many times growing up felt the same. My mother and father were very self absorbed people and I was often made to feel children should be seen and not heard. There's a history of alcoholism with my father. When he was sober he was more of a "buddy" than a father. My mother drank too but always played the victim. But hey....every now and then they took us to theme parks or a movie. I'm sure I need therapy. I just really feel no moral obligation to either of my parents. Especially my father. My mom tried harder but always was the martyr and let us all know all the time. There's a lot of back story here but i guess I'm kind of in a position where I'm saying "you made your bed, now lay in it". Heartless as it sounds.

While all of this is true, bottom line if your brother wants to spend time with his father, he knows he needs to come by and pick his dad up.

All the back story in the world does not change that.

As far as yourself, sounds like you are comfortable with your decisions regarding your parents. No need to explain it to us really.

[java]

Originally Posted by mad madam mim78

She hints at stuff but never asks so you never know what she's thinking. If she's expecting people to just volunteer it's not gonna happen. .

But she needs help. If people are waiting for an invitation to help, that's not going to happen either. She was clear in her you take him request. She needs a break.

I just read your other post about how the relationship has been strained for sometime. I'm sorry. That makes a difficult time even worse. It's hard to sympathize with someone that wasn't there for you.

While my parents weren't the greatest, I got to an age where I realized they were doing the best they could. It wasn't what I needed but it was their best.

[mad madam mim78]

Originally Posted by java

But she needs help. If people are waiting for an invitation to help, that's not going to happen either. She was clear in her you take him request. She needs a break.

I just read your other post about how the relationship has been strained for sometime. I'm sorry. That makes a difficult time even worse. It's hard to sympathize with someone that wasn't there for you.

While my parents weren't the greatest, I got to an age where I realized they were doing the best they could. It wasn't what I needed but it was their best.

Yeah the whole thing stinks really bad. It's really hard when my mom paints this very Rosie picture of how she raised us and me being the non-confrontational person I am just have to bite my tongue till it bleeds and nod in agreement. She knows how I feel about my dad but she has no idea how I feel about her. As I've gotten older these feelings get worse and worse. Especially as I'm raising my children and am constantly thinking how I would NEVER put my kids through some of the things I went through. Controlling resentment is so damn hard.

[RitaE]

Originally Posted by mad madam mim78

I guess maybe another question is how much help and effort should you give parents who gave no real effort to raising their kids. I know she's probably tired and feels lonely and trapped, but I have so many times growing up felt the same. My mother and father were very self absorbed people and I was often made to feel children should be seen and not heard. There's a history of alcoholism with my father. When he was sober he was more of a "buddy" than a father. My mother drank too but always played the victim. But hey....every now and then they took us to theme parks or a movie. I'm sure I need therapy. I just really feel no moral obligation to either of my parents. Especially my father. My mom tried harder but always was the martyr and let us all know all the time. There's a lot of back story here but i guess I'm kind of in a position where I'm saying "you made your bed, now lay in it". Heartless as it sounds.

I've been in your place, and I am in your place. I could write volumes of backstory.

The short answer is, you just need to answer that question for yourself and your siblings need to answer that question for themselves. You might do what you only feel obligated to do, you might do much more because you think it is some moral obligation despite the past, or you might decide that you just need to bury the past and act out of mercy.

You might come to completely different decisions than your siblings, and that is okay. I have no judgement in that sort of situation.

The ONLY thing I have a problem with is situations like with my Sister who will give no assistance at all to elderly parental care. No financial assistance, no physical assistance, nothing. But she then gets angry when major decisions and events like health care, and hospitalizations and living arrangements are made without her input and without consulting her or even notifying her.

I'll just say, if you decide you don't want to be involved, then you aren't going to be involved. In my book, you don't get to cherry pick things like "Oh, I'll come and visit this Sunday!" and act like a martyr when you are told no because your presence isn't convenient or wanted by those who are pulling the heavy load.

[dadddio]

Originally Posted by mad madam mim78

I guess maybe another question is how much help and effort should you give parents who gave no real effort to raising their kids. I know she's probably tired and feels lonely and trapped, but I have so many times growing up felt the same. My mother and father were very self absorbed people and I was often made to feel children should be seen and not heard. There's a history of alcoholism with my father. When he was sober he was more of a "buddy" than a father. My mother drank too but always played the victim. But hey....every now and then they took us to theme parks or a movie. I'm sure I need therapy. I just really feel no moral obligation to either of my parents. Especially my father. My mom tried harder but always was the martyr and let us all know all the time. There's a lot of back story here but i guess I'm kind of in a position where I'm saying "you made your bed, now lay in it". Heartless as it sounds.

Thanks for this post. Please know that you are not the only one who struggles with this issue.