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Old 02-07-2013, 02:16 PM   #1
thumpersfriend
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Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

My adult daughter who is 36, divorced was so nasty to me this past week-end and really took the wind out of my sails. I have been crying and can't seem to get past it yet. She sent me flowers and apologized but I am still upset.

It started when we were visiting for a few days and I was making coffee for morning and she wanted me to do it differently and said if I couldn't do it the way she wanted we could go stay with my son and dil instead. I was shocked and the next day I couldn't stop crying. She could tell I was upset but then she had to tell me the things about me that drive her crazy. Says I interrupt and ask too many questions, or ask stupid questions. Also says that I try to one up her when there are get togethers and bring a dish to pass. I now am afraid to say anything to her and have it be the wrong thing. Anyone have this type of experience and have any words of wisdom, I am 63 years old and usually fairly well liked and respected.

I did ask her if anything new was going on in her life and she said no and not to make this about her. We usually werevery close.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:23 PM   #2
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Sometimes when my mom visits I feel like she is trying to take over my house. She is in the kitchen, asking why I bought this or don't have that. Many things we do she believes she has a better way.

We get along well in short bursts and over the phone. I have had to make it a point to let her know when she is at our house we have certain rules and ways to do things. (Mostly about the kids)

Maybe this is similar to the way you daughter is feeling. It does not mean she does not enjoy your company or want you to visit.

She probably reacted more severely than she wanted and feels awful.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:27 PM   #3
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So sorry

I was at a training yesterday about family communication and relationships with our parents. We had to rank out mothers on the following scale:
1)I want to be with my mother all the time
2)I want to hear my mother's opinion
3)I enjoy getting advice from my mother but rarely follow it
4)I enjoy spending time with my mother but wish she wouldn't offer her opinion
5)I don't want a relationship with my mother

Every single person (~20) except me picked #4. We talked out the reasoning behind their feelings and it brought out fantastic discussion and they all agreed that they'd like to be at #2 or #3. We brainstormed ideas on how to get there.

I'm no expert, but maybe asking her how she'd like you to be involved in her life would help? I don't know your backstory, but for me and my mother, we get along better over the phone and when I live out of state. It makes our together time more special and we don't step on each others' toes.

Anyways, hugs! Hope it gets better and you can have peace
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:29 PM   #4
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Thank you, that is one way to look at it. At this time I really don't want to stay with her anymore when we go downstate. Just worried I will say the wrong thing and upset her. Guess time will heal.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:31 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SLP958 View Post
Sometimes when my mom visits I feel like she is trying to take over my house. She is in the kitchen, asking why I bought this or don't have that. Many things we do she believes she has a better way.

We get along well in short bursts and over the phone. I have had to make it a point to let her know when she is at our house we have certain rules and ways to do things. (Mostly about the kids)

Maybe this is similar to the way you daughter is feeling. It does not mean she does not enjoy your company or want you to visit.

She probably reacted more severely than she wanted and feels awful.

This is exactly how I feel about my mom sometimes and as well meaning as she sometimes she forgets about boundaries especially when it comes to the kids. It doesn't mean I don't love her and I do enjoy spending time with her. OP I am sorry your feelings are hurt and I am sure your daughter feels badly about this just give it sometime and this will be but a faded memory. Maybe you should just call her to chat about anything and everything but this!!
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:33 PM   #6
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Next time stay at a hotel. We all get a little crabby sometimes. Sounds like you might be WAY over thinking it. Maybe she was tired, maybe she didn't feel well, maybe a million other things.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:34 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SLP958 View Post
Sometimes when my mom visits I feel like she is trying to take over my house. She is in the kitchen, asking why I bought this or don't have that. Many things we do she believes she has a better way.

We get along well in short bursts and over the phone. I have had to make it a point to let her know when she is at our house we have certain rules and ways to do things. (Mostly about the kids)

Maybe this is similar to the way you daughter is feeling. It does not mean she does not enjoy your company or want you to visit.

She probably reacted more severely than she wanted and feels awful.
That sounds so familiar! Sometimes when my mother has been visiting for a few days I start getting really irritated by silly little things. She will try to help in the kitchen and she will do things differently than I do them and it will drive me nuts. We usually get along really well but there are times when we argue, and it's usually after one of us has been visiting the other. OP, it sounds like your daughter was stressed and some insignificant things just piled up and caused her to hit her breaking point. If this doesn't normally happen, you should try not to take it personally.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:35 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SLP958 View Post
Sometimes when my mom visits I feel like she is trying to take over my house. She is in the kitchen, asking why I bought this or don't have that. Many things we do she believes she has a better way.

We get along well in short bursts and over the phone. I have had to make it a point to let her know when she is at our house we have certain rules and ways to do things. (Mostly about the kids)

Maybe this is similar to the way you daughter is feeling. It does not mean she does not enjoy your company or want you to visit.

She probably reacted more severely than she wanted and feels awful.
I feel like this with my mom too. We had a sit down talk with my parents about our house rules and how we do things, but they don't comply. And it makes visits difficult. There are other factors also, but the end result is always that my mom's feelings get hurt, she says they will no longer visit or she will refuse to talk on the phone for a period of time, she tells other family members they are cutting us out of their lives, etc. It always results in unnecessary drama.
And I wind up apologizing.

I think it is hard for them to realize or accept that we are grown ups, have our own families and our own way of raising our kids...which is vastly different from how they did it
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:37 PM   #9
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Saying you'd go to your son and DIL's probably didn't help matters. I'd laugh if my Mom said it to me, but if my husband's Dad or Mom would say something like that to him ... Get out of the way. It's like you're putting them against each other. Doesn't go over well at any age, I think.

Not to be ignorant, but what makes you think your son will approve of every way you do things? Heck, doing it your way may upset his wife. lol

Sometimes we just have to accept that we are all different. It's what makes the world go round.

She has become her own person in her own home. She knows she upset you. She apologized. Accept it.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:39 PM   #10
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If this situation is true as posted, I have to really feel for the poor daughter.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:44 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Duzzygirl View Post
Saying you'd go to your son and DIL's probably didn't help matters. I'd laugh if my Mom said it to me, but if my husband's Dad or Mom would say something like that to him ... Get out of the way. It's like you're putting them against each other. Doesn't go over well at any age, I think.

Not to be ignorant, but what makes you think your son will approve of every way you do things? Heck, doing it your way may upset his wife. lol

Sometimes we just have to accept that we are all different. It's what makes the world go round.

She has become her own person in her own home. She knows she upset you. She apologized. Accept it.
I think you misread the OP -- I read it as your daughter said that to HER. Not that she said it to her daughter. So basically the daughter told her "if you can't do it right, just go stay with my brother" -- something along those lines.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:45 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duzzygirl View Post
Saying you'd go to your son and DIL's probably didn't help matters. I'd laugh if my Mom said it to me, but if my husband's Dad or Mom would say something like that to him ... Get out of the way. It's like you're putting them against each other. Doesn't go over well at any age, I think.

Not to be ignorant, but what makes you think your son will approve of every way you do things? Heck, doing it your way may upset his wife. lol
I didn't read it that way. I read it that her daugther said that - basically "unless you can make coffee the way I want you to, you'll have to stay with my brother next time".

You could be right in your interpretation though.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:46 PM   #13
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Next time stay at a hotel. We all get a little crabby sometimes. Sounds like you might be WAY over thinking it. Maybe she was tired, maybe she didn't feel well, maybe a million other things.
Great advice!! I'm good with guests for about 2 nights. FWIW, we always book a hotel when visiting out of town. Everyone gets a little space. OP, hopefully your dd was just having a bad day, and unfortunately took it out on you.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:47 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duzzygirl View Post
Saying you'd go to your son and DIL's probably didn't help matters. I'd laugh if my Mom said it to me, but if my husband's Dad or Mom would say something like that to him ... Get out of the way. It's like your putting them against each other. Doesn't go over well at any age, I think.

Not to be ignorant, but what makes you think your son will approve of every way you do things? Heck, doing it your way may upset his wife. lol

Sometimes we just have to accept that we are all different. It's what makes the world go round.

She has become her own person in her own home. She knows she upset you. She apologized. Accept it.

It was the other way around...the daughter told the OP to stay at her brothers if the OP didn't do things the way her daughter wanted them done.

I am sorry your daughter upset you so much. My mother drives me right up the wall but I would never in a million years seriously tell my mother to stay someplace else over making coffee or list of all my grievances to her, especially if she was already upset. I will address certain issues when needed but to sit her down and say "I don't like x, y and z about you" will never happen.

I would give it some time to let the hurt pass a little and talk to her about what happened over the visit and get to the bottom of it. If you ordinarily have a close relationship, you should hopefully be able to work this out.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:50 PM   #15
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She had a bit of a hissy fit. It happens. Maybe don't ask her so many questions, or let her do things in her own house. Give it some time to calm down but I don't see why you would need to avoid her. She's apologized.

As for the one-upmanship with the dishes at potlucks, don't get that. Does she think you make better food just to show her up? That's sort of weird. Just bring whatever you'd bring to those anyway.
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