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Old 01-09-2013, 03:20 PM   #1
jeepgirl30
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Do i have to tell? Sports vs friends

I need to get this off my chest! This is very long sorry.

My DS10 plays sport A. He is pretty good at sport A, not the best on his team but one of the top. We have gotten to be good friends with a lot of the parents and the coach. Every friday and saturday one of us hosts a get together and a core group of 4-6 families are always there.

About 2 yrs ago DS convinced his best bud to play and was put on his team (not the same team as now). His buddy picked it up quick and then both joined other teams of the same sport. They play year round. They have been BFFs since kgarten. Lately though the friend is very possessive of DS.

I have become very good friends with the mom. I would consider her my BF right now.

But she is very competitive with her kids. Pushes them to be number one in all they do, activities and school. She has 2 older daughters who are into theater. She has been known to call and make demands they are in lead roles, etc. I knew she was vocal but not to what extent until recently. She also has pushed for her son to be accepted into the advanced program at the school, he did not qualify but she freaked out until they finally agreed, she admitted this to me. Her DH is somewhat of a local celeb. They do NOT bring it up but we have noticed he gets a lot of "favors" for it. Mostly sport related. Any time we are invited anywhere I call or txt her or she will txt/call me if she hasn't heard from me. Its almost like we can't go without them.

My son is not in the advanced program but actually gets better math scores than his friend. However his friend is constantly making comments that he is smarter because he is in advanced.

Sport B was announced and decided new this year there would be a travel team that kids had to try out for, if they didn't make it they'd play rec league. Friend has played sport B before buy my DS has not. They tried out and most kids from Sport A that tried out did make it except my son and one other boy, the Sport A coach's son. Huge drama ensued but DH and I said no we were not getting involved and DS would play rec. Found out friend only got selected because of his dad. No, not opinion the coach that choose him told DH that. whatever, DS is happy to play on the rec league. Friend keeps taunting him though that he wasn't picked.

Back to Sport A. the friend has not kept up with the development of the other kids on the team. I feel bad even saying this here but well he is pretty bad. Mom has even made comments about he is just not as good as my DS. I try and sugar coat it but lately other parents are making comments. Our coach did not cut anyone, he is all about the boys and them being together. He was supposed to split the team for the next session of indoor but has decided not to because he wants them to be together.

DH wants DS to move to another level next fall. He mentioned it to the coach and he got pretty offended. I'm torn, DS is not learning new skills right now and is starting to get frustrated because they are playing teams much more skilled and he wants to be able to compete with them. DS stands up for him a lot to the other kids and has never to my knowledge said anything. I've heard him be very supportive after games. However the friend will say things like "the ref made bad calls" or this kid lost the game for us or whatever. His parents do tell him to stop but he does it all the time.

DS was invited to play on another team now. Its the same level but would be different coaches with different skill levels. One of the coaches is an assistant now and he really likes him. This would be in addition to his core team.

I'm proud he was asked to play. He keeps saying he is hoping playing rec league his BFF will be on another team. Lately, anything DS does the friend does. The mom will call and say oh well friend will do it too.

I love that we are close and I have a good friend. I love my DS having great friends too.

however, I want him to have this new team for him. Again, he'll still play for the other team and any schedule conflicts his main team wins.

I know if i don't tell my friend and she doesn't get her son on this new team she is going to be offended. It'll be why wasn't my son picked?

There was huge drama with Sport B. I really do not like drama. I love our core group now because there usually isn't a lot of drama. I just want to be able to let my son branch out a bit and get extra play time with some new kids/coaches. Do i have to tell friend ahead of time? Am I creating drama by not telling her?
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Old 01-09-2013, 03:27 PM   #2
chloelovesdisney
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepgirl30 View Post
I need to get this off my chest! This is very long sorry.

My DS10 plays sport A. He is pretty good at sport A, not the best on his team but one of the top. We have gotten to be good friends with a lot of the parents and the coach. Every friday and saturday one of us hosts a get together and a core group of 4-6 families are always there.

About 2 yrs ago DS convinced his best bud to play and was put on his team (not the same team as now). His buddy picked it up quick and then both joined other teams of the same sport. They play year round. They have been BFFs since kgarten. Lately though the friend is very possessive of DS.

I have become very good friends with the mom. I would consider her my BF right now.

But she is very competitive with her kids. Pushes them to be number one in all they do, activities and school. She has 2 older daughters who are into theater. She has been known to call and make demands they are in lead roles, etc. I knew she was vocal but not to what extent until recently. She also has pushed for her son to be accepted into the advanced program at the school, he did not qualify but she freaked out until they finally agreed, she admitted this to me. Her DH is somewhat of a local celeb. They do NOT bring it up but we have noticed he gets a lot of "favors" for it. Mostly sport related. Any time we are invited anywhere I call or txt her or she will txt/call me if she hasn't heard from me. Its almost like we can't go without them.

My son is not in the advanced program but actually gets better math scores than his friend. However his friend is constantly making comments that he is smarter because he is in advanced.

Sport B was announced and decided new this year there would be a travel team that kids had to try out for, if they didn't make it they'd play rec league. Friend has played sport B before buy my DS has not. They tried out and most kids from Sport A that tried out did make it except my son and one other boy, the Sport A coach's son. Huge drama ensued but DH and I said no we were not getting involved and DS would play rec. Found out friend only got selected because of his dad. No, not opinion the coach that choose him told DH that. whatever, DS is happy to play on the rec league. Friend keeps taunting him though that he wasn't picked.

Back to Sport A. the friend has not kept up with the development of the other kids on the team. I feel bad even saying this here but well he is pretty bad. Mom has even made comments about he is just not as good as my DS. I try and sugar coat it but lately other parents are making comments. Our coach did not cut anyone, he is all about the boys and them being together. He was supposed to split the team for the next session of indoor but has decided not to because he wants them to be together.

DH wants DS to move to another level next fall. He mentioned it to the coach and he got pretty offended. I'm torn, DS is not learning new skills right now and is starting to get frustrated because they are playing teams much more skilled and he wants to be able to compete with them. DS stands up for him a lot to the other kids and has never to my knowledge said anything. I've heard him be very supportive after games. However the friend will say things like "the ref made bad calls" or this kid lost the game for us or whatever. His parents do tell him to stop but he does it all the time.

DS was invited to play on another team now. Its the same level but would be different coaches with different skill levels. One of the coaches is an assistant now and he really likes him. This would be in addition to his core team.

I'm proud he was asked to play. He keeps saying he is hoping playing rec league his BFF will be on another team. Lately, anything DS does the friend does. The mom will call and say oh well friend will do it too.

I love that we are close and I have a good friend. I love my DS having great friends too.

however, I want him to have this new team for him. Again, he'll still play for the other team and any schedule conflicts his main team wins.

I know if i don't tell my friend and she doesn't get her son on this new team she is going to be offended. It'll be why wasn't my son picked?

There was huge drama with Sport B. I really do not like drama. I love our core group now because there usually isn't a lot of drama. I just want to be able to let my son branch out a bit and get extra play time with some new kids/coaches. Do i have to tell friend ahead of time? Am I creating drama by not telling her?
The lady does not really sound like a good friend, and neither does her son. Sometimes it is time to move in life, and this sounds like a good opportunity. I'd take it.
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Old 01-09-2013, 03:34 PM   #3
sam_gordon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepgirl30 View Post
I need to get this off my chest! This is very long sorry.

My DS10 plays sport A. He is pretty good at sport A, not the best on his team but one of the top. We have gotten to be good friends with a lot of the parents and the coach. Every friday and saturday one of us hosts a get together and a core group of 4-6 families are always there.

About 2 yrs ago DS convinced his best bud to play and was put on his team (not the same team as now). His buddy picked it up quick and then both joined other teams of the same sport. They play year round. They have been BFFs since kgarten. Lately though the friend is very possessive of DS.

I have become very good friends with the mom. I would consider her my BF right now.

But she is very competitive with her kids. Pushes them to be number one in all they do, activities and school. She has 2 older daughters who are into theater. She has been known to call and make demands they are in lead roles, etc. I knew she was vocal but not to what extent until recently. She also has pushed for her son to be accepted into the advanced program at the school, he did not qualify but she freaked out until they finally agreed, she admitted this to me. Her DH is somewhat of a local celeb. They do NOT bring it up but we have noticed he gets a lot of "favors" for it. Mostly sport related. Any time we are invited anywhere I call or txt her or she will txt/call me if she hasn't heard from me. Its almost like we can't go without them.

My son is not in the advanced program but actually gets better math scores than his friend. However his friend is constantly making comments that he is smarter because he is in advanced.

Sport B was announced and decided new this year there would be a travel team that kids had to try out for, if they didn't make it they'd play rec league. Friend has played sport B before buy my DS has not. They tried out and most kids from Sport A that tried out did make it except my son and one other boy, the Sport A coach's son. Huge drama ensued but DH and I said no we were not getting involved and DS would play rec. Found out friend only got selected because of his dad. No, not opinion the coach that choose him told DH that. whatever, DS is happy to play on the rec league. Friend keeps taunting him though that he wasn't picked.

Back to Sport A. the friend has not kept up with the development of the other kids on the team. I feel bad even saying this here but well he is pretty bad. Mom has even made comments about he is just not as good as my DS. I try and sugar coat it but lately other parents are making comments. Our coach did not cut anyone, he is all about the boys and them being together. He was supposed to split the team for the next session of indoor but has decided not to because he wants them to be together.

DH wants DS to move to another level next fall. He mentioned it to the coach and he got pretty offended. I'm torn, DS is not learning new skills right now and is starting to get frustrated because they are playing teams much more skilled and he wants to be able to compete with them. DS stands up for him a lot to the other kids and has never to my knowledge said anything. I've heard him be very supportive after games. However the friend will say things like "the ref made bad calls" or this kid lost the game for us or whatever. His parents do tell him to stop but he does it all the time.

DS was invited to play on another team now. Its the same level but would be different coaches with different skill levels. One of the coaches is an assistant now and he really likes him. This would be in addition to his core team.

I'm proud he was asked to play. He keeps saying he is hoping playing rec league his BFF will be on another team. Lately, anything DS does the friend does. The mom will call and say oh well friend will do it too.

I love that we are close and I have a good friend. I love my DS having great friends too.

however, I want him to have this new team for him. Again, he'll still play for the other team and any schedule conflicts his main team wins.

I know if i don't tell my friend and she doesn't get her son on this new team she is going to be offended. It'll be why wasn't my son picked?

There was huge drama with Sport B. I really do not like drama. I love our core group now because there usually isn't a lot of drama. I just want to be able to let my son branch out a bit and get extra play time with some new kids/coaches. Do i have to tell friend ahead of time? Am I creating drama by not telling her?
Wow. I'm not sure I totally follow the situation. Basically your DS and his "friend" are on a sports team. The friend hasn't kept up developmentally, yet blames the refs or other kids for losses. Friend's mom is very demanding about her son getting her way. You (and DH) want to move DS to another team to get better(?) coaching. You're afraid friend (or his mom) might force the issue and have friend "follow" DS to the other team.

Do I have that right?

Question #1... does DS want to change teams? If yes, he tries out (or whatever is required) for the other team. If no, he stays where he is.

If the decision is made to go to the other team, I simply wouldn't bring it up with the friend or mom. If it comes up, the answer is "we're not sure what we're going to do, we're looking at different options".

Assuming DS gets placed on the new team and friend doesn't make it (and mom can't "make" him make it), when she complains about why you didn't tell her, "we weren't sure what we were going to do until the last minute." Do NOT bring up skill levels (or differences) of the boys. If she presses, "we're trying to do the best for DS. It was a family decision."
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Old 01-09-2013, 03:38 PM   #4
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Not sure I understand entirely, but I recommend letting your son take the other opportunity -- with no word to your friend or her son. Experience tells me the future is not going to be pretty no matter what with this situation. IMO start building a new world where you all aren't expected to march in lockstep, with your son & family a few steps behind the royal family of course. Time for your son to move on & be the star in his life, not the supporting actor in his frenemy's.

Friends who are controlling or need to be in competition really aren't friends at all. I foresee a time when you will realize you haven't lost a friend, you've just learned to recognize an enemy in disguise.
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Old 01-09-2013, 03:53 PM   #5
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I am not sure why you are even worried or considering whether these people might be offended or not.

Let your son play for the other team.
Move on.

They should have nothing to do with any of it.

You don't need friends like these people.
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:02 PM   #6
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Unless being on the new team would mean you could not fufill a commitment to some other team (in which case I think you would be right to talk to the COACH about it), don't think anyone EVER has to tell someone else what teams their child is trying out for. It is none of her business.
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:04 PM   #7
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DS will continue to play on his current team. He will in addition play on this new team. He doesn't have to try out, they asked him to join. He was selected.

Everyone has their flaws. This woman really has been good to me. The boys are young so its normal to go through struggles. He does get possessive but learning to control that is part of growing up i think, he isn't overly crazy with it but sometimes DS wants to have another boy over instead and the BFF gets jealous.

We have gotten close to several families and I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings but yet I feel my son needs to branch out also and learn new things.

We have not discussed with him, DH was approached last night. But, knowing DS he would play this sport 24/7 so he would say yes in a heartbeat!
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:07 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
I am not sure why you are even worried or considering whether these people might be offended or not.

Let your son play for the other team.
Move on.

They should have nothing to do with any of it.

You don't need friends like these people.
I agree, although I wouldn't dare suggest that you should somehow disassociate with your son's friend and his family. I frankly don't find that helpful or appropriate.

I do know that kids' sport teams and families do get easily intertwined, and drama sometime ensues. I think that you might be making too big a deal with it and may be over thinking it. There might be a chance (and a good one at that if you are truly friends) that your friend will understand completely. She might even welcome the break from the same people in the same routine. It certainly doesn't mean that you're rejecting her friendship, you just want your son to try something on his own. I guarantee she'll get it.
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:07 PM   #9
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Well, if your son wants to be on the team, personally I would put him on the team and not mention it. If she asks later just say you did not know she would want to know everything your son does in his free time.
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:19 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
Well, if your son wants to be on the team, personally I would put him on the team and not mention it. If she asks later just say you did not know she would want to know everything your son does in his free time.
I agree with this. What I might say, if she asks later, is:

"I didn't really want to say anything about this because Johnny was invited/approached to come to this team and since it really didn't affect anyone, I didn't want to appear to be bragging about it."

That way, maybe she'll get the hint.
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:25 PM   #11
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I agree with this. What I might say, if she asks later, is:

"I didn't really want to say anything about this because Johnny was invited/approached to come to this team and since it really didn't affect anyone, I didn't want to appear to be bragging about it."

That way, maybe she'll get the hint.
Oh, I like this reply!
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:26 PM   #12
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There are some parts of your post that aren't very clear. That being said: a) I think your utmost concern should be your son, his happiness, and his progress, and not the happiness of his friend or your avoiding an awkward situation. I'm not saying your son should join the new team; maybe he's happier just playing with his friend. I don't know. b) Based on what's written here, your son's friend sounds pretty awful. Is he really so great the rest of the time that you want to encourage your son to keep hanging out with someone who keeps telling your son he's inferior and gets possessive when your son wants to spend time with other kids?
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