Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[DVCJones]

Originally Posted by FlightlessDuck

My professional opinion as a husband that hates cheaters: Rip his ***** off and feed them to him.

I like this!!!

Like I said earlier. 'Where there's smoke there's fire.'

I'm so sorry OP. Trust your gut here. Women truly have a sixth sense for this type of thing. But, our heart makes us question what the head already knows.

Stay strong. Confront. Expect to made to feel crazy (you're not). Expect to be lied to. Lean on your friends and family. I have helped pull many o friend and family member through this scenario. I sometimes swear there is a script.

Hugs!

[Handbag Lady]

Originally Posted by VeganCupcake

Thanks for the support everyone. It felt weird putting the whole situation on this board at first but I feel better that I let it out to someone! I haven't said anything to him yet because I know right now I can't be rational about it. I want to take my earrings out and just pummel his stupid face to be honest. So I am going to wait until I have my thoughts collected and I can say something rationally and calmly. Everyone's hugs have made me feel not so alone right now. Thanks

It will be so hard to not return to the anger and hurt when you talk to him. If he is up to something, he will deny and deny and then turn it around on you. Be prepared.

[Mermaid02]

I can totally relate OP. Recently found something similar and I'm still upset whenever I think about it.

[sam_gordon]

Just looking at the "optimist" side... its possible what he meant as "harmless fliting" was taken too far by this woman. Remember, you cant read inflection in the text.

My suggestion... "Honey, did you ever set up your date with xxxx.?" Play innocent, you happened to see the text while using his phone. Watch his facial expression.

[OceanAnnie]

I'd have a lot of emotions over this. Trust is so important without it, what have you got?

I'm sure you have lots of questions. I would wonder if there were more women calling/texting if your husband is turning off the sound of the phone at home and quits texting when you enter a room. The conversation you had about the gym and questions about your husband from other women there because of his behavior, stinks. I'd be fuming just like you.

I wonder how you could get the maximum amount of information from him without revealing too much of what you know. In other words, how much would he tell you on his own not knowing what you know. I'd want to get his version of things before I told him what I knew. Maybe just ask him, "Do you know "X"? Do you consider her a friend? Does she ever contact you?" If he asks why, I'd say something like, "Just wondering. I've seen her a few times when I've gone to my family's house." I don't know. But I'd do something along those lines.

ETA- It's a "chance" it's innocent. Not too much of a chance to me. But if he denies even knowing her, that would say a lot -- to me anyway.

Good luck with this.

[goofyintoronto]

Originally Posted by sam_gordon

Just looking at the "optimist" side... its possible what he meant as "harmless fliting" was taken too far by this woman. Remember, you cant read inflection in the text.

My suggestion... "Honey, did you ever set up your date with xxxx.?" Play innocent, you happened to see the text while using his phone. Watch his facial expression.

This is so true. And I love your way of thinking! Its perfect! That's how i would start. Definitely watch his reaction when you say this.

[Robbi]

Originally Posted by VeganCupcake

Thanks for the support everyone. It felt weird putting the whole situation on this board at first but I feel better that I let it out to someone! I haven't said anything to him yet because I know right now I can't be rational about it. I want to take my earrings out and just pummel his stupid face to be honest. So I am going to wait until I have my thoughts collected and I can say something rationally and calmly. Everyone's hugs have made me feel not so alone right now. Thanks

Here's another
Hope everything goes well.

[StephMK]

Originally Posted by OceanAnnie

I'd have a lot of emotions over this. Trust is so important without it, what have you got?

I'm sure you have lots of questions. I would wonder if there were more women calling/texting if your husband is turning off the sound of the phone at home and quits texting when you enter a room. The conversation you had about the gym and questions about your husband from other women there because of his behavior, stinks. I'd be fuming just like you.

I wonder how you could get the maximum amount of information from him without revealing too much of what you know. In other words, how much would he tell you on his own not knowing what you know. I'd want to get his version of things before I told him what I knew. Maybe just ask him, "Do you know "X"? Do you consider her a friend? Does she ever contact you?" If he asks why, I'd say something like, "Just wondering. I've seen her a few times when I've gone to my family's house." I don't know. But I'd do something along those lines.

ETA- It's a "chance" it's innocent. Not too much of a chance to me. But if he denies even knowing her, that would say a lot -- to me anyway.

Good luck with this.

Personally, I can't imagine a situation that would make his behavior innocent but I agree, I'd try to get as much info as I could without tipping my hand just yet. Maybe topics such as you're interested in joining the gym too, has he met x, you met her at your dad's house, or different ways to feel out his impressions of the gym and people he knows there.

Good luck, I know it's not easy to keep the frying pan in the cabinet at this point.

[Buckalew11]

Originally Posted by happygirl

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

Are you still just trying to "look on the bright side" here or would you really buy into this if you were the OP?If you really believe there is a chance for all this, you would never figure out that your own DH was cheating on you. It would definitely be a case of "the wife is always the last to know."

Originally Posted by DVCJones

I like this!!!

Like I said earlier. 'Where there's smoke there's fire.'

I'm so sorry OP. Trust your gut here. Women truly have a sixth sense for this type of thing. But, our heart makes us question what the head already knows.

Stay strong. Confront. Expect to made to feel crazy (you're not). Expect to be lied to. Lean on your friends and family. I have helped pull many o friend and family member through this scenario. I sometimes swear there is a script.

Hugs!

And I've been a hairdresser for almost 30 years and I have heard the same type of stories over and over and over again...I believe there IS a script.

OP, I am very, very sorry. I would not give my sources away.
when my BIL was cheating, we could check the girl's FB and everything coincided with what was going on. But when they had depositions the (stupid ) lawyer mentioned that to him. That night the girl deactivated her FB. DSis hired a PI and he was followed for 1 year!!! However, the PI said that in normal cases, when he is hired, he has all he needs in 48 hours!! 48 hours! DSis's H was fooling around with a 15yo so that changed a lot in how the PI handled the whole miserable mess.

I am sooo sorry you may be going through this type of situation. It was horrible for our family so I know what it is like all too well.

I, too, am surprised that that text did not raise more eyebrows here. That text is, at the least, a symptom of a breakdown in a solid marriage IMO.

[Nancyg56]

Originally Posted by happygirl

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

On it's own a silent phone means nothing. When coupled with the rest of the behavior it is a huge red flag. Could this guy be as innocent as the driven snow? Sure. But honestly, in my home there would be one heck of a conversation.

I trust my husband and he trusts me. Neither one of us bothers with wedding rings and I have no issues with that either. But I can tell you that if my DH was getting texts from a woman who wanted a date and if I found out he was a hound dog at a gym and never revealed he was married the last thing he would need to worry about was his cell phone. He knows that if any other woman could entice him away from me she can have him. I would even pack his bags. No second chances. The disrespect alone is unforgivable in my opinion.

OP- I have no advice for you because I think that everyone has a line and that is personal. I agree that it is best to wait until you calm down before talking to your husband and then decide what you want to do.

[disykat]

I wouldn't start the conversation with the texts. I'd start with "I'm curious what's going on at the gym. I'm starting to hear stories." and see what he has to say. If you leave it open and don't let him know what you know and don't know, you might get more information.

[horseshowmom]

Originally Posted by disykat

I wouldn't start the conversation with the texts. I'd start with "I'm curious what's going on at the gym. I'm starting to hear stories." and see what he has to say. If you leave it open and don't let him know what you know and don't know, you might get more information.

I agree. It's always better not to let someone know how much you know for sure.

[chloelovesdisney]

I wouldn't have a conversation at all, I'd hire a private investigator.

[firecracker725]

Whether or not he's actually DONE anything, he's disrespecting your marriage, and that is so not okay. Forget rational, I'd be breaking out a rusty butter knife for some ...ahem, surgery.

[VeganCupcake]

Small update-confronted about text. Tried to not blow up didn't work out so well, what can I say. He said -she just talks like that sometimes. The date thing was just a way of saying "work out session". I believe the date bit I do not believe that she always talks like that bit- just my instinct. I asked him how he would feel if he found text like that on my phone. He said he felt ashamed blah blah blah. He just mad I saw the text because he would be LIVID had he seen a text from some man he doesn't know on my phone using that same type of language he wouldn't even listen to me explain if the situation was reversed. I haven't said anything to him about what my stepmom said because I am waiting for the right time. I may have to get a guest pass to his gym for the week. I don't want to create a bad situation for my parents neighbor at her job. And I know if he tries to deny it at this point I'll go bananas. One step at a time.