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Old 01-06-2013, 08:57 AM   #91
MAJPLO
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruadisneyfan2

I agree. Why even mention that you plan to? They will put offers to rebook on your bed at night. Just tell her you can't afford it right now.

If she does come on the cruise, find a moment alone and swing by the future cruise desk on deck 4. Even if it's closed you can fill out a post card and drop it in the box. Even if you're not sure what exact date you want, just book something. If you want your same TA to handle the new cruise, put that on the card too. You can tweek it later. It would take less than 10 mins to fill out the card. They can put the deposit on the same cc connected to your onboard acct.
Then zip it! You will be excited but as tempting as it may be to share your excitement, don't even mention it to your kids.
You will hopefully get a chance for a do-over. Unless you live together, I wouldn't even mention when you're gone. List a good friend as an emergency contact.
I'm glad my parents are easy to cruise with. (and I'm not just saying so because my mom reads the Disboards!)
We've always been in agreement that we have different likes/dislikes/abilities/disabilities, etc and sometimes we need to each do our own thing. On our Alaska cruise, I think we only spent dinners together & our horse-trolley ride in Victoria.
We've probably done around 10 together. I hope your kids find some happy memories with their grandmom. I would definitely be carrying on my own alcohol & earplugs.
Just remember if you fill out a card for the future cruise they will send it back to the room where mom may end up seeing it first.
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:11 AM   #92
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Okay.... Coming from a daughter of deaf parents I feel your pain.... It can be very frustrating dealing with parents who don't always understand the social graces and the proper way to talk to someone without being extremely rude.

Here is my 2 cents worth.....

If you can move rooms I would do that just because the moments you can have alone in your room will be priceless in recharging your sanity. If not that is okay just plan times that you can have moments away (Even if you only lock yourself in the bathroom)

Have you contacted Disney about your mom and if she signs they will provide Interpreters for her so you will not have to interpret everything? It will also give her the opportunity to talk with some other people on the cruise because it can sometimes be really difficult to have conversations with hearing people. It seems like everyone speaks Spanish nowadays but almost no one knows how to have a conversation with a deaf person..... Also this could be part of the reason she is stuck to you like glue because she is afraid to admit she is scared to be on her own and not be able to communicate....


Sit down with her and explain the situation.... Writing it down if necessary.... Explain that you want her to come but that this trip is ultimately for your children and that every decision you make is with their experience in mind and because of this somethings might not seem "fair" to her but it's not going to be fair because she is the adult and this is a vacation for your CHILDREN!!!

I had problems with my mom in the beginning of our vacation time together. However after the 1st one I sat down with her and explained to her that my vacations are EXTREMELY important to me and that any negativity can ruin our trips for my daughter because it stresses me out. I explained to her that if she does not want to put in any of the work of planning the trip she forfeits her right to complain about anything. If she wanted to contribute to the planning she has to do her own research (if she doesn't use the internet you can get some great books at the library) and know that ultimately I make the decisions for my family. I also told her that we have a rule no bad attitudes on vacation for anyone and that includes her. If you don't want to do something then don't but you making that choice means you don't get to complain.

I think the biggest thing I have learned is that sometimes I have to talk to my mom like she talks to me for her to understand what I am trying to say which sometimes means social graces go out the window. I also try and think about what the world must be like for her and try to take a walk in her shoes.... That DOES NOT however give her the right to be such a pain but offers a small explanation.

I will tell you that since my mom and I sat down and laid it all out we have had some fantastic vacations together.... In fact I think I like my mom more on vacation then at home because she "follows the rules" on vacation.... Not so much at home.... Oh well you have to pick your battles....


Just remember you may not always get to choose your circumstances in life but you always have a choice in how you react....

Please feel free to PM me with anything...

Good Luck and have a fabulous trip....
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:25 AM   #93
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Originally Posted by violetmonarch View Post
I. . .
I have bent over backwards to accommodate her coming when she was not invited...and I feel like just saying forget it. She doesn't want to know the details, she just thinks that it magically happens.
THAT was your first mistake. Old lady here, probably your mom's age mate.

My first thought was - Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

You can be respectful but still firm. You are both adults now. You are not a child any more - you will always be her daughter, but you are NOT a child.

Listen to POPISME and some of the other good advice you've received.

Rebook your excursion for you and the kids. She'll just have to deal with it.

DO NOT I repeat DO NOT give up your bed.

Oh, and if there's a meet thread for your trip, link dining with other families. She'll carp less if there are others to distract her.
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:36 AM   #94
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I'm sorry, but what good is travel insurance going to do her at this point? Most insurance won't pay out just because someone doesn't want to go on a cruise.

Sayhello
Maybe to repatriate the remains?
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:49 AM   #95
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Maybe to repatriate the remains?


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Old 01-06-2013, 11:54 AM   #96
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Originally Posted by MAJPLO View Post
Just remember if you fill out a card for the future cruise they will send it back to the room where mom may end up seeing it first.
You're right. I was thinking if the mom wouldn't give her any alone time, she'd only have to find 10 mins of free time.
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Old 01-06-2013, 12:14 PM   #97
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Dear girl, this has been years in the making, hasn't it? Your mom sounds very much like mine. I've found that polite but firm, clear expectations of behavior works best. (Had to call Mom out one morning in the hotel room at WDW for her snarky comments and passive/aggressive ploys. It wasn't pretty but MAN did it make an impression on the kids and my dad. I didn't yell or curse but forcefully stated that her behavior needed to change STAT or the kids and I would be making our own schedule for the rest of the vacation.)

Please, please let us know how it goes. We're all rooting for you
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Old 01-06-2013, 12:44 PM   #98
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Had some of the same issues/concerns when my Mother in Law (and Father in law) went on a cruise with us. Although the biggest difference is they had their own cabin.

We stuck to our schedule and invited her to go along but found that she could not keep up. She would tire out and then retire to her room.

So after the first day, except for dinner, we did not see her that much. We really enjoyed the cruise (pretty much stuck to what we wanted to do) and otherwise just made the best of it.

Wish you all the best on your cruise.
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:03 PM   #99
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. Plus, she may make a friend! Good luck. You and I both know she is going to come!
There's probably another parent onboard, traveling with an ungrateful, inconsiderate daughter. I'm sure, they'd hit it off....
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:22 PM   #100
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If SHE doesn't show up at the port, you don't owe her anything. If she gets to 14 days and hasn't cancelled, she gets nothing back from DCL. That's HER loss as SHE is the one who made the decision to not show. DCL already has their money--hopefully they got it from her and you didn't pay it.

Again, don't let her guilt you into anything. SHE is the one making these decisions and SHE needs to suffer the consequences.

I don't know what your plans are for getting to the port, but my guess is that at some point they involve a stop at her home to pick her up...either on the way to the airport or to drive to the cruise. I'd tell her that you'll be there at X o'clock. Show up ON TIME...as in to the minute. No scenes, no arguments. She is either ready and gets into the car with her suitcase or you drive off. You can't argue and you can't be late for your flight/cruise. If she is not ready to lock the door and get in the car, it's HER problem. She can call a cab and make it to the airport or not--her choice.

You have got to quit buckling under when this woman bullies you. She only pushes because she knows you always give in. And you can't allow her to bully your children. It is your job to protect them!
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DO NOT TELL HER IF YOU REBOOK ON BOARD OR BOOK AGAIN!
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You've received some excellent advice already. Undoubtedly, your relationship with your mother has always had these dynamics , so I completely agree that it is up to you to change them....mom never will.

First of all, STOP discussing so many details of the trip with her. Give her the TA's number, tell her to call if she wants to cancel, but then back off. Make it clear that she will not receive any reimbursement from you...Why in heck would you even consider that??? Tell her when and where you will pick her up for departure, and ask the TA to let you know if she actually cancels (which I seriously doubt she will). Then, STOP talking about it, unless she has an appropriate question (like which clothing to take). It sounds like you've made up your mind about excursions, which is great. You are under no obligation to include her if it will ruin your kids' fun. Put your kids first, and let mom's complaints go by the wayside. Trust me, your children will respect you far more than if you continue to be a doormat. It's a matter of explaining to them that Grandma has some emotional issues that are in no way anyone else's fault. I'm sure, by now, you've had some kind of discussion with them about her behavior. You are allowing her to push your buttons, which they observe and absorb .

The wonderful thing about a cruise is that there is so much (or little, as you prefer) to do, so you don't really spend much time in the cabin. Keep the cabin you've already booked, since there is a financial loss otherwise, and make the best of the bed situation. As someone else already said, give her a Navigator and a highlighter, tell her what your plans are for the next day (if she asks), and include her as you choose (not as she demands). Feel free to book a Palo brunch for yourself, when the kids are otherwise engaged; just tell her you're taking a walk alone and make sure she knows where to get lunch. Same with the spa...explain what services are available and how to book, then do your own thing. I doubt she'll choose to spend the entire day in the cabin doing nothing.

Most of all, stop stressing so much over making mom happy....because you can't....no matter what you do....it's not going to happen. It's not you, it's her. I've spent years trying to make my DH understand his mom's narcissistic personality....developing Alzheimers has made her much "better" (more tolerable), but that's another issue.

We introduced my 72 yr-old mother to cruising two years ago, and she loved it! Our first cruise together was a 7-day RCI, followed that same year by a 14-day DCL TA (which she basically invited herself on, since she loved the first one so much), then the 14-day EBPC, which we just completed (on which she also invited herself). My special-needs niece (age 28) also sailed with us each time, and the two of them had their own cabin. My mother's husband refuses to travel. I made all the arrangements, incl. private tours/excursions, and my mother participated as she could (with some ambulatory issues). Planning would have been overwhelming for her, but my niece did some research online and kept up with our Dis thread, so they felt "in the loop". Yes, it limited us a little bit, but we still had a blast every time. If DM had behaved the way your mom did, the first one would have been her last . She's now interested in doing Alaska, which we're considering.

I wish you luck (and fortitude!!!); you'll make great memories with your kids, I'm sure. Let us all know how it turns out !
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:47 PM   #101
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Thank you all so much for your advice and also for caring enough to even offer any.
I really appreciate the encouragement. True, that this has been a difficult relationship...we were not close at all for about 23 years. I had to try to forgive her for things she allowed to happen for my own sake, not for her.
Unfortunately, she has still not understood the gravity of what was done, and that she has to change her behaviour if she wants to really have a relationship with me and my kids now and in the future.
I have been letting it go so that I don't have the problem of letting it get me upset, but this event really was the last time that I could turn a blind eye.
Perhaps I need to take another break from her again...all the stress just makes my medical conditions worse.
I have decided that I am going to go on this trip and be the bigger person (yet again) and allow her to join us. The only time I really expect to encounter her is in the room to sleep, at MDR (maybe) and on the excursion, if she goes.
I have told her this, and she is still mad at me...but that is nothing new.
Hopefully, some time apart will make her realize that she is throwing away her flesh and blood by holding tight to her pride. Pride can't help you when you are sick, can't cook for you, can't make conversation, or comfort you.
I hope that I have good things to report in the future...and please PM me if you'd like to see any pics on my FB page, post-cruise.
Thank you all again for being part advisers and part counselors, lol.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:05 PM   #102
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Just revisiting the thread to see how you were doing. I hope you and your kids have a magnificent time and your mom gets her head out of her butt. If she chooses to still be a pain, I wish you strength to have the power to "brush it off" and still manage to have a wonderful time with your kids.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:15 PM   #103
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Hopefully, some time apart will make her realize that she is throwing away her flesh and blood by holding tight to her pride. Pride can't help you when you are sick, can't cook for you, can't make conversation, or comfort you.
I hope that I have good things to report in the future...and please PM me if you'd like to see any pics on my FB page, post-cruise.
Thank you all again for being part advisers and part counselors, lol.
Don't expect her to ever change. I'm sure, she honestly doesn't realize, she has a problem. But, you can set boundaries. It won't be easy and the relationship will probably never be what you wish...
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:19 PM   #104
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I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:22 PM   #105
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Originally Posted by MND
I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike
She invited her self from my understanding
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