Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[Buckalew11]

Originally Posted by DVCJones

I disagree!

If we are going by what we know...

we know X is calling a married man, Love.
we know X has been trying to track O down
we know X is expecting a "date".

We know the wife found the text and is uncomfortable but doesn't want to jump to conclusions. Hence the reason for the thread. It shouldn't matter if it is innocent or not. If O's wife is uncomfortable, it is not okay.

X is crossing the line and O needs to handle it correctly!!! I'm not saying O is having an affair. I'm saying X needs to be put in her place by O because it is very disrespectful to O's wife.

I often text clients and friends of the opposite sex. I am always very careful in what I say in those texts because I would not want the spouse to ever, ever get the wrong idea from ANYTHING I said. Whether I know her or not-- I find it disrespectful of both my spouse and his spouse.

Originally Posted by sunshinehighway

If O's spouse is uncomfortable, its up to O to deal with it. X has never met O's spouse and has no idea if this would bother the spouse or not.

If I'm remembering right, we don't know the gender of any of these people. Why assume the woman is at fault? Maybe there is no woman involved at all.

We do know the sexes. X is female and O is a male.

I blame them both. And yes, it is up to "O" to speak up and deal with it. And "X" should be classy enough and respectful enough to also refrain from addressing the other person as "love", "sweetie", or "hun."

It amazes me that people get their panties in a wad about kids and people calling them "sir" and "ma'am" but are them OK with calling others (of either sex) honey, sweetie, love, or darlin'. Ewww. *shivers*

[sunshinehighway]

Originally Posted by Buckalew11

I often text clients and friends of the opposite sex. I am always very careful in what I say in those texts because I would not want the spouse to ever, ever get the wrong idea from ANYTHING I said. Whether I know her or not-- I find it disrespectful of both my spouse and his spouse.



We do know the sexes. X is female and O is a male.

I blame them both. And yes, it is up to "O" to speak up and deal with it. And "X" should be classy enough and respectful enough to also refrain from addressing the other person as "love", "sweetie", or "hun."

It amazes me that people get their panties in a wad about kids and people calling them "sir" and "ma'am" but are them OK with calling others (of either sex) honey, sweetie, love, or darlin'. Ewww. *shivers*

I guess I missed where gender was mentioned by the OP. I saw O's spouse and X (person of the same gender as you).

[Bluestars]

Originally Posted by Becky2005

And this is what we are missing! The OP said to go just on what was posted, which I did. Yes, it would be so out of character for my DH that my red flag would go way up. Just the fact that there would be texting would be enough for me to go something isn't right.

Flip it over and my DD has so many guy friends and is involved in theatre (which I know doesn't mean anything but once you hang out with that group....the dynamics are different than DH's world) -- that if I saw that conversation I wouldn't think twice about it. It would fit her personality and a lot of the people she hangs out with.

Hence -- I wouldn't automatically assume an affair is going on solely by that exchange alone.

I think a lot depends on the normal things the couple has done in the relationship. If it's typical for each of them to go out on lunch or dinner dates alone with people of the opposite sex, then it would mean less than it would mean to a couple who never does that. Same for the texting.

My husband rarely sends text messages. He also hates going out to eat. So based on our history, the text exchange would be suspicious.

The word date is strange for a married person to use when talking about going out to a casual lunch with another married person. Also, I think calling a married person of the opposite sex Love is odd. One of my coworkers uses words like honey, sweetie, etc when talking to males or females. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me and I think it's very unprofessional.

[Becky2005]

Originally Posted by sunshinehighway

I guess I missed where gender was mentioned by the OP. I saw O's spouse and X (person of the same gender as you).

I didn't see it either -- that is what I re-read and then it also never said if the friend they were discussing it with was male or female.

Just that the OP & a friend were discussing it.

So, it is pretty vague and the responses could be all over the place & all of them are coming from personal experiences vs. the whole story.

[ronandannette]

Originally Posted by bellebud

100% agree. I can't believe people would be more angry at the other person. They owe you nothing, even if they're a friend.

I'd probably try to go into PI mode and snoop, lots and lots. I'd let it go for a while, to see if it goes anywhere, or is innocent. But I think I'd not be able to hold it in, and at some point, explode and demand a good explanation. But I would try to hold off.

And I know that's not the mature, adult thing to do, but I'm being totally honest here.

Why would you handle it that way? In a (relatively) good spousal relationship why not just calmly ask the DH what's going on? I don't understand what's gained by dramatically stoking the fires of your own suspicion, and if I were the (presumably) innocent DH I'd find it bizarre that you chose not to being it up prior to "exploding".

[Bluestars]

Originally Posted by ronandannette

Why would you handle it that way? In a (relatively) good spousal relationship why not just calmly ask the DH what's going on? I don't understand what's gained by dramatically stoking the fires of your own suspicion, and if I were the (presumably) innocent DH I'd find it bizarre that you chose not to being it up prior to "exploding".

I've seen it happen several times where a spouse confronted her husband and he lied about it. Just because a person thinks their relationship is great and that if they ever asked their husband if he was having an affair he would tell the truth, doesn't mean the husband will be honest about it. That's just the way it is with some people who cheat. They often lie.

[Robbi]

Spouse had better have a good reason for the date comment. I would worry about it being intentional - wanting to be caught. While I would be upset with the other person, spouse would bear the brunt of my anger and it would not be pretty if there was not a believable explanation.

[ronandannette]

Originally Posted by Bluestars

I've seen it happen several times where a spouse confronted her husband and he lied about it. Just because a person thinks their relationship is great and that if they ever asked their husband if he was having an affair he would tell the truth, doesn't mean the husband will be honest about it. That's just the way it is with some people who cheat. They often lie.

Sure, but should that be the automatic "go to" position between a couple (assuming there's no history)? Sounds more like planning a battle strategy than navigating the the daily ups and downs of a normal marriage.

[VeganCupcake]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

[ronandannette]

Originally Posted by VeganCupcake

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

Just ask him already...

[Bluestars]

Originally Posted by ronandannette

Sure, but should that be the automatic "go to" position between a couple (assuming there's no history)? Sounds more like planning a battle strategy than navigating the the daily ups and downs of a normal marriage.

True. No, I don't think freaking out about something will help either. I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions, but I would try to find out a bit more information myself. i don't know. Maybe I would just ask my husband what was up. Then again, if he was cheating, he would just lie about it. That's a tough one. I'm glad I'm not in that position.

[FayeW]

Originally Posted by Becky2005

LOL! I went the total opposite way of everyone here.

Mostly because I know too many weird people I guess. The fact that it is owe you a date makes me think it was something along the lines of an innocent did something & said they would take them to lunch or something to make up for it.

I have no idea though without knowing the context of how each of them know each other. I have learned theatre people are an unusual group and am around them a bit because of DD -- so I could SO see that conversation happening in that group without any hint of anything bad.

I also work with several people that I could so see that conversation happening and again -- nothing more than innocent part.

And frankly, I read "love" with a British accent, although I'm sure it would be spelled Luv. I read it equivelent to Sweetie, Hun.

It really is one of those conversations that you need to know the people involved but by the conversation alone with nothing else with it. I could see it being innocent and I could see it being not so innocent.

Totally agree with you. I would think that it was a work colleague that they had a "date" to have lunch or something. I've had those kinds of conversations and I'm sure my husband has too. Totally innocent.

[Disney Doll]

With the additional information you provided OP, I'd be concerned about that exchange and if I was O's spouse, O & I would be having some conversations about it.

[happygirl]

Originally Posted by VeganCupcake

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

How do you know they meet at the gym? If you found this out on the text? Was there more info you aren't posting

[Handbag Lady]

Originally Posted by Becky2005

LOL! I went the total opposite way of everyone here.

Mostly because I know too many weird people I guess. The fact that it is owe you a date makes me think it was something along the lines of an innocent did something & said they would take them to lunch or something to make up for it.

I have no idea though without knowing the context of how each of them know each other. I have learned theatre people are an unusual group and am around them a bit because of DD -- so I could SO see that conversation happening in that group without any hint of anything bad.

I also work with several people that I could so see that conversation happening and again -- nothing more than innocent part.

And frankly, I read "love" with a British accent, although I'm sure it would be spelled Luv. I read it equivelent to Sweetie, Hun.

It really is one of those conversations that you need to know the people involved but by the conversation alone with nothing else with it. I could see it being innocent and I could see it being not so innocent.

I'm more in this camp. I even call a few of my clients "love" or "darling." I've known them for over 15 years and after you work with people in stress for 12 hours a day, you become like family. Plus my one client, calls me "dear" and "honey." His husband doesn't mind a bit. My own husband thinks it is weird, but in a theatre way.

I would question the date thing, though. I've gone to dinner with my colleagues, but never on a date.