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Old 01-04-2013, 06:28 PM   #46
trwprid
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I feel ya. I really do. There's a reason I'm estranged from much of my family. I'm way too laidback but finally ran out of cheeks to turn.

I agree with the previous sentiments that this is about making memories with your kids. Hubs and I have this conversation all the time: what would we rather do? Buy a new car/computer/blah blah this year, or take the kids somewhere really neat? 80% of the time, we go for the trip.

Here's what I suggest you tell your mother: "Mom, I don't want to have any regrets. When we get home, I don't want to be sad about what I could have done and didn't. Tell me what you want to do, and we'll see if we can do it together."

From there, it's her choice to be miserable. Don't let her guilt you into feeling miserable, too. I know that's easier said than done, but it's totally doable as long as you compartmentalize things a bit. Just keep telling yourself, "It's not personal. That's her problem, not mine."

Be as accommodating as you can. Be gracious. Be communicative, but just keep reinforcing to her that this isn't just a vacation, but an experience. You're doing it so you and your kids can experience things and have memories.

Toss the guilt back at her and ask "Do you want them to miss out on that?" See what happens.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:31 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by violetmonarch View Post
Now she is adamant that she will not go at all...and my TA says I'm outta luck for all the savings. (sigh) Lord help me.
You could give her a couple of days to calm down.....or pay the extra and enjoy YOUR vacation! The Lord may have helped you already and saved your sanity!
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:34 PM   #48
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I am so sorry for all you're going through. My question, I guess, is what does your mother expect from this cruise? What does SHE plan to do? What interests her? If her intent is to spend time with you she should be thrilled to tag along as an observer on your excursions or participate, if able to do so. I'm not able to do strenuous activities, but I love being an observer and taking pictures.

At this point I would go over your expectations re: the cruise and get her reaction. Lay the groundwork now. If she's displeased with the agenda, she may opt out.

Or she might just make some friends if she plays Bingo or gets acquainted with table mates during dinner.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:43 PM   #49
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I am so sorry. Mom's can be hard to deal with. (An understatement, perhaps). That being said, I don't think you should cancel. I do think you should call your TA like you said in your previous post and try to get two separate rooms. That is really your best solution at this point. Just do it and deal with her later. If she complains, she complains. Also, try to book the excursions you want. If she makes a big deal out of it, so what. Just do what YOU want to do on YOUR vacation. My mom used to control everything I did and I was miserable. We always fought, I hated her intervening with my life and my children. I finally realized that I was letting her do that to me. It was hard, but I did what I thought was right and I ignored her protests. It took a long time, but now we are good. Are we perfect, no. But she doesn't interfere anymore. She gives her opinion still, but she does so more politely now. I think she used to come at me out of love and a " mother knows best attitude" but I also think she liked being controlling. She is dramatic and likes to be the center of attention. After making it clear that I wasn't going to do that anymore she has slowly come around. I am hoping the same will be true for you. But maybe you need to make a first step towards that by booking your own rooms and telling mom that you planned this before she got involved and you are going to do it your way. If she doesn't like that, so what. Its your vacation. Hugs.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:49 PM   #50
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If SHE doesn't want to go, let HER cancel her place. She can call the TA and do it. Don't do anything else on her behalf. If it comes up to cruise day and she doesn't go, she is out whatever she paid--her choice. If she waits longer to make the call and is out more than 75%, again, her issue not yours.

Just tell the TA that if mother calls and wants to back out, that the TA needs to call you so that you can adjust the reservation (you and kids don't want to cancel.) You won't lose your KSF--you'll just have to pay for the second person in the room. One kid will still be free. If she stalls till 14 days before the cruise, there is no point in cancelling her at all as she'll get no refund. You can board with the kids if she doesn't show up. In this case, both kids will still be free.

Reality--based on what you have said, I don't believe she will pick up the phone to call the TA. She is manipulating you AGAIN. Your mistake was in telling her that you were thinking of cancelling rather than doing the "we need to establish the ground rules" talk.

At this point, you both need to act like adults. If she wants to cancel her spot, she can do so. But don't let her manipulate you into doing it for her. You should think seriously before doing anything specifically directed to her--anything you do will not be "right" in her eyes and will become something else to be fodder for manipulation.

YOU do not want to cancel the cruise, right? You want to go with your kids? If so, do it....if mother comes, fine (she is booked). If not, too bad, so sad.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:52 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by kcashner View Post
If SHE doesn't want to go, let HER cancel her place. She can call the TA and do it. Don't do anything else on her behalf. If it comes up to cruise day and she doesn't go, she is out whatever she paid--her choice. If she waits longer to make the call and is out more than 75%, again, her issue not yours.

Just tell the TA that if mother calls and wants to back out, that the TA needs to call you so that you can adjust the reservation (you and kids don't want to cancel.) You won't lose your KSF--you'll just have to pay for the second person in the room. One kid will still be free. If she stalls till 14 days before the cruise, there is no point in cancelling her at all as she'll get no refund. You can board with the kids if she doesn't show up. In this case, both kids will still be free.

Reality--based on what you have said, I don't believe she will pick up the phone to call the TA. She is manipulating you AGAIN. Your mistake was in telling her that you were thinking of cancelling rather than doing the "we need to establish the ground rules" talk.

At this point, you both need to act like adults. If she wants to cancel her spot, she can do so. But don't let her manipulate you into doing it for her. You should think seriously before doing anything specifically directed to her--anything you do will not be "right" in her eyes and will become something else to be fodder for manipulation.

YOU do not want to cancel the cruise, right? You want to go with your kids? If so, do it....if mother comes, fine (she is booked). If not, too bad, so sad.
Totally agree with the bolded part.

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Old 01-04-2013, 07:29 PM   #52
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Goodness! So sorry something so exciting is marred by such drama! If you need another cheerleader, I agree with what everyone has been saying. While no where near as bad as what you're experiencing, my mother is dealing with her elderly father wanting to join us on our Dream cruise in 22 days. She is stressing over all the potential issues that may arise: his health deteriorating, him being needy on the ship, transporting him around, etc etc. I keep telling her she needs to relax and instead anticipate the positive versus the negative. It's our first real vacation with him, he has never expressed such strong interest in being on a cruise with us before, and it's all paid-in-full so he can't back out at the last minute like he did to us last time due to nerves.

Seems to me, you just need to do what others have said: lay down your law. This is what I'm doing with my children. You are welcome to join us, but here is what you need to understand. She is an adult and can take care of herself. If at all possible, do whatever it takes to get her into her own room. I would re-book your appointments and excursions, and then come up with some compromises that could include her. If she throws a fit and quits, the way I look at it, as long as she has paid for her fare, let her stay home and don't change anything. If she didn't pay for herself, I'd see it as you just paying the price for sanity.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:35 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by OrcaPotter View Post
Seems to me, you just need to do what others have said: lay down your law. This is what I'm doing with my children. You are welcome to join us, but here is what you need to understand. She is an adult and can take care of herself. If at all possible, do whatever it takes to get her into her own room. I would re-book your appointments and excursions, and then come up with some compromises that could include her. If she throws a fit and quits, the way I look at it, as long as she has paid for her fare, let her stay home and don't change anything. If she didn't pay for herself, I'd see it as you just paying the price for sanity.
Amen!!!!

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Old 01-04-2013, 07:37 PM   #54
carolinamom
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To all you wonderful, supportive, smart DISboarders- after having replied to this thread is was really on my mind. Sure enough, my closest friend just called me-COMPLETELY exasperated-and told me jokingly that "they are releasing a new movie-"throw mama from the boat" ( please forgive the image). She cruises with HER mom next week and her mom is driving her crazy already! Lol! I would say its clear that a lot of people struggle with those mother/daughter relationships!
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:38 PM   #55
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I'm bummed that you canceled the dolphins. As another poster pointed out, you can do it elsewhere, but puhleeze make sure you do it. It's an amazing experience, and very educational -- the kids will have so much fun they won't even realize how much they're learning. Yes, it's expensive but so worth it, and your mom had no right to deprive her grand kids of that opportunity. Just as she has no right to mess up your whole vacation.

Please keep us updated on your saga. I refer to our family's drama as "another thrill-packed episode in the amazing adventures of "As the Stomach Churns."
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:27 PM   #56
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I really have no where else to vent how I am feeling right now, and so I guess I just would like some encouragement. I am a first-time cruiser that originally booked to go with just my kids and myself. My mother invited herself and since she is hearing impaired and a very stubborn person, she has become another unruly child that I have to keep details up on, since she does not comprehend anything about the internet, cruising, cruise etiquette, and this is stressing me so much that I feel like not going at all and just letting her figure it out on her own and me and the kids can stay home.
What do I do? Do I have time to cancel and get my money back? Or do I need to be talked off the ledge?
hi we have 39 Disney and 19 other cruises, have cruised with many people
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almost anything goes. we wish you the best Don & Gail
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:19 PM   #57
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I have no advice. I'm sorry. if I had to cruise with my mother one of us would go overboard... I'm 38 and I know my limits.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:36 PM   #58
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I have been thinking about this all day, and have not read all of the responses that have been posted so this may have already been said, but your mother makes her own choice on whether she will enjoy herself or not. I am a grandmother myself and if I could not go in the water for the dolphin experience I would still have a wonderful time. I would get to see my grand kids with the dolphins, take pictures, and hear all about it from them. I can think of no better memories than seeing my grandchildren enjoying something.

This trip is for your children. You should let the take the lead on what they want to do, and your mother can choose to enjoy the activities, or not. Do not let her bring you down and ruin this experience for you and your kids. I hope you have enjoy your trip and make lots of wonderful memories with your kids!
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:57 PM   #59
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violetmonarch,

Sorry you're having this stress so close to departure date. I'll meet you at the first martini tasting!!
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:59 PM   #60
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with all if this! Reading through this thread though has made me realize I must be one of just a few with an AWESOME Mom!! I cant fathom having a mother that I didnt get along with! We sail on the Fantasy a week from tomorrow, myself DH, DD, DS and my DM!! Can't wait!!!
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