Grandchild's birthday - The DIS Discussion Forums

tink_lover · 12-13-2012, 11:47 PM

First off, this will be a bit of blowing off steam. Why would a grandparent, who is perfectly capable, not call or do anything to acknowledge a young (tween) grandchild's birthday? It drives me nuts. I'm tired of defending them. The other set of grandparents is older (in their 80s) and somehow manages a card/phone call. The older I get, the less tolerant I get of the behavior. There was no excuse not to call - Grandma was posting on Facebook tonight. I guess that was more important.

Robbi · 12-14-2012, 01:51 AM

Don't defend them anymore. Let your child call the grandparents on it next time they're around, if the child feels comfortable doing it. This can be done in a polite way. The grandparents will continue the bad behavior if they know you'll cover for them.

Caseheidi · 12-14-2012, 02:03 AM

I was raised with a set of Grandparents who never said happy birthday. While it has always been a disappointment, there is nothing I can do to make them interested in me (or any of us grand kids). As hard as it is, I would just let your child decide if they care, and if they are really upset, share that info with the GP do they realize the effect their response has.

sam_gordon · 12-14-2012, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tink_lover

First off, this will be a bit of blowing off steam. Why would a grandparent, who is perfectly capable, not call or do anything to acknowledge a young (tween) grandchild's birthday? It drives me nuts. I'm tired of defending them. The other set of grandparents is older (in their 80s) and somehow manages a card/phone call. The older I get, the less tolerant I get of the behavior. There was no excuse not to call - Grandma was posting on Facebook tonight. I guess that was more important.

For Christmas (Hanukkah, whatever), get them a calendar that has everyone's birthdays & anniversaries already marked.

MIGrandma · 12-14-2012, 06:02 AM

I understand how you feel, but I don't think there is really anything you can do to change it.

My Mom (she's 75) doesn't give her grandchildren (2) or her greatgrandchildren (7) gifts on their birthdays either. She doesn't send them even a card, or call them. She will wish them happy birthday on Facebook, but that's it.

I think it's awful. It's not like she can't afford to give them a gift or a little cash, she just chooses not to.

I would have to be on my death bed not to acknowledge my grand/great grandchildren's birthdays with a gift, money, or even just sending a card.

She complains that they "never come to see her" but she doesn't go to see them either, even when I tell her the road does go both ways. Some of them she only sees on Christmas, even though they only live 30-45 minutes away.

Our DD has birthday parties each year for their DS and DD, my Mom won't even go to the parties "because she'd have to buy a gift", so they don't even bother inviting her anymore. I think it's really sad, but there's nothing I can do. Except NOT be "that kind" of Grandma.

tink_lover · 12-14-2012, 06:47 AM

Agree that I won't be that kind of Grandma!

It is just our kids. The other grandkids (children of all my SILs) are acknowledged on birthdays. I get that it is a situation out of my control and won't change. It is just one of those

for me.

Maria1985 · 12-14-2012, 06:49 AM

Smiles -- lots of them.

Disney Doll · 12-14-2012, 06:50 AM

Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control.

Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows...

sam_gordon · 12-14-2012, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tink_lover

Agree that I won't be that kind of Grandma!

It is just our kids. The other grandkids (children of all my SILs) are acknowledged on birthdays. I get that it is a situation out of my control and won't change. It is just one of those

for me.

Just out of curiosity, has it always been this way, or is this a recent phenomenon? If she did used to recognize your kids event, have they (or you) been good about sending thank you notes?

design_mom · 12-14-2012, 07:48 AM

I agree. Take this as a lesson of what "not to do" when you become a Grandma.

Three of my grandparents died before I was born (died young), and my one remaining grandmother was not a very good grandma. She never came to anything, never called, etc. When I was young I thought it was "because she lived far away," but she really only lived about 45 minutes away and she could drive. The only times we saw her were when we went to see her.

My mother is a fantastic grandma. She has told me that she knows that we got shortchanged in the grandma department, and she doesn't want to be that way with her own grandchildren. My kids are actually lucky to have pretty good grandparents on both sides -- and a wonderful great-grandma on my husbands side.

JamesMom · 12-14-2012, 07:56 AM

My mom was never the motherly type, much less the grandmotherly type. When I announced I was pregnant with my first she pulled out her calendar and wrote the date - that's it - didn't attend my shower or anything. When I packed up her house after her passing she had unopened stacks of mail including all the pictures of the kids over the years - none managed grace her walls with her beloved Star Trek signed photos. So you can guess their birthdays were never acknowledged (heck, I never got a card/call on MY birthday after college). Oh well. My kids were small enough to not notice the sllight.
I plan on spoiling my grandkids rotten!

worm761 · 12-14-2012, 08:08 AM

My MIL has started this with our kids and DH and I are not happy about it. She won't acknowledge my son's birthday because he is DH's stepson and therefore not a grandchild or family at all. She doesn't acknowledge my birthday because, again, I am not family.

For DD's birthday, DH's biological child therefore real family, DD received a birthday card and a certificate made on MIL computer for a shopping trip the next time she is in New York. And to clarify why this is so bad...We live in Florida and DD turned 3 last week. This is how MIL thinks she is going to get us to magically come up with the finances to take a trip to New York. I can guarantee that none of the grandkids that live in New York got a certificate for their birthday.

Now, my mother, when she was alive, spoiled the grandkids and loved it. My father spoils the kids which is horrible since he lives with us.

caitlinsmom · 12-14-2012, 08:15 AM

My ILs can't be bothered. They called on DD's birthday to ask DH a question and as an afterthought asked DH to wish her a happy birthday. She was right there yet they didn't want to talk to her.

They are like this with DS and DNephew also but my other BILs son (and his half sister) they are good grandparents. It sucks when they care more about a child that is not blood (BIL's ex-wife's daughter with her new husband) than they do their other 2 son's kids.

My parents and step-dad more than make up for it though.

shinysparklybubbles · 12-14-2012, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by worm761

My MIL has started this with our kids and DH and I are not happy about it. She won't acknowledge my son's birthday because he is DH's stepson and therefore not a grandchild or family at all. She doesn't acknowledge my birthday because, again, I am not family.

I would be livid! That's ridiculous! Is your son old enough to realize that she chooses not to celebrate him?

Wishing on a star · 12-14-2012, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Disney Doll

Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control.

Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows...

This, EXACTLY!!!!!
Don't defend or 'enable'.
And, NEVER ever hope or expect for any change or anything more.
These people ARE who they are. Issues and all...
Any expectations or attempts to get them to 'do what is right' will only result in more stress, drama, and heartache.

The best, and only, way to handle it is to just acknowledge reality.
This is the way it is.
This is who they are...
And then move on in the most positive way possible from there!

You really have to adjust your expectations and reactions (and your relationship) on your end.

Do not send out a calander, with your dates and expections pre-listed.
Do not, under any circumstances, have your child engage in 'calling them on it'.
I would never subject my child to that kind of stress, negativity, battle.
I truly do not think that any of those kinds of efforts would have a productive or positive outcome.

12-13-2012, 11:47 PM	#1
tink_lover POLKA PRINCESS Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Minnesota Posts: 1,480	Grandchild's birthday First off, this will be a bit of blowing off steam. Why would a grandparent, who is perfectly capable, not call or do anything to acknowledge a young (tween) grandchild's birthday? It drives me nuts. I'm tired of defending them. The other set of grandparents is older (in their 80s) and somehow manages a card/phone call. The older I get, the less tolerant I get of the behavior. There was no excuse not to call - Grandma was posting on Facebook tonight. I guess that was more important. __________________

12-14-2012, 02:03 AM	#3
Caseheidi DIS Veteran Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Hillsboro, OR Posts: 617	I was raised with a set of Grandparents who never said happy birthday. While it has always been a disappointment, there is nothing I can do to make them interested in me (or any of us grand kids). As hard as it is, I would just let your child decide if they care, and if they are really upset, share that info with the GP do they realize the effect their response has. __________________ Heidi DLR - Aug 1980, Aug 1985, May 1988, April 2002, Dec 2002, Dec 2004, Oct 2012 WDW - July/Aug 2001 (Honeymoon!), Oct 2004, Sept 2005, May 2006, Dec 2007, Dec 2008, Oct 2011

12-14-2012, 06:02 AM	#5
MIGrandma A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water~Eleanor Roosevelt I have a toilet problem 33 people looked, and not one followed the rule! Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 4,885	I understand how you feel, but I don't think there is really anything you can do to change it. My Mom (she's 75) doesn't give her grandchildren (2) or her greatgrandchildren (7) gifts on their birthdays either. She doesn't send them even a card, or call them. She will wish them happy birthday on Facebook, but that's it. I think it's awful. It's not like she can't afford to give them a gift or a little cash, she just chooses not to. I would have to be on my death bed not to acknowledge my grand/great grandchildren's birthdays with a gift, money, or even just sending a card. She complains that they "never come to see her" but she doesn't go to see them either, even when I tell her the road does go both ways. Some of them she only sees on Christmas, even though they only live 30-45 minutes away. Our DD has birthday parties each year for their DS and DD, my Mom won't even go to the parties "because she'd have to buy a gift", so they don't even bother inviting her anymore. I think it's really sad, but there's nothing I can do. Except NOT be "that kind" of Grandma. __________________

12-14-2012, 06:47 AM	#6
tink_lover POLKA PRINCESS Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Minnesota Posts: 1,480	Agree that I won't be that kind of Grandma! It is just our kids. The other grandkids (children of all my SILs) are acknowledged on birthdays. I get that it is a situation out of my control and won't change. It is just one of those for me. __________________

12-14-2012, 06:49 AM	#7
Maria1985 Mouseketeer Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 172	Smiles -- lots of them. __________________ Happiness isn't getting all you want. It's enjoying all you have.

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12-14-2012, 01:51 AM	#2
Robbi DIS Veteran Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 1,803	Don't defend them anymore. Let your child call the grandparents on it next time they're around, if the child feels comfortable doing it. This can be done in a polite way. The grandparents will continue the bad behavior if they know you'll cover for them.

12-14-2012, 06:50 AM	#8
Disney Doll DIS Security Matron Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Too far from WDW!! :( Posts: 27,704	Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control. Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows... __________________ Disney Doll Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child. Stop telling your God how big the storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is. It's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it! Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out. There's no pill that cures stupid. He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. ~~In loving memory of Teddy~~1994-2007~~

12-14-2012, 07:48 AM	#10
design_mom I am probably more like my dad than I care to admit I hate touching raw meat Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Central Ohio Posts: 2,677	I agree. Take this as a lesson of what "not to do" when you become a Grandma. Three of my grandparents died before I was born (died young), and my one remaining grandmother was not a very good grandma. She never came to anything, never called, etc. When I was young I thought it was "because she lived far away," but she really only lived about 45 minutes away and she could drive. The only times we saw her were when we went to see her. My mother is a fantastic grandma. She has told me that she knows that we got shortchanged in the grandma department, and she doesn't want to be that way with her own grandchildren. My kids are actually lucky to have pretty good grandparents on both sides -- and a wonderful great-grandma on my husbands side. __________________ Mom to DS12 and DD8.

12-14-2012, 07:56 AM	#11
JamesMom DIS Veteran Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 1,234	My mom was never the motherly type, much less the grandmotherly type. When I announced I was pregnant with my first she pulled out her calendar and wrote the date - that's it - didn't attend my shower or anything. When I packed up her house after her passing she had unopened stacks of mail including all the pictures of the kids over the years - none managed grace her walls with her beloved Star Trek signed photos. So you can guess their birthdays were never acknowledged (heck, I never got a card/call on MY birthday after college). Oh well. My kids were small enough to not notice the sllight. I plan on spoiling my grandkids rotten! __________________ James (and now John!)'s Mom Trip Report: May 9-15, 2010 - Mother & Son at POR w/Free QS Dinning: http://www.disboards.com/showthread....2#post36675492 Trip Report: December 14-20, 2008 - Mother and Son (6yo) at Contemporary w/Free Dinning: http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2038015

12-14-2012, 08:08 AM	#12
worm761 I speak just to hear my own voice I about died laughing when i heard that!!! Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: 456.26 miles from the world! Posts: 5,712	My MIL has started this with our kids and DH and I are not happy about it. She won't acknowledge my son's birthday because he is DH's stepson and therefore not a grandchild or family at all. She doesn't acknowledge my birthday because, again, I am not family. For DD's birthday, DH's biological child therefore real family, DD received a birthday card and a certificate made on MIL computer for a shopping trip the next time she is in New York. And to clarify why this is so bad...We live in Florida and DD turned 3 last week. This is how MIL thinks she is going to get us to magically come up with the finances to take a trip to New York. I can guarantee that none of the grandkids that live in New York got a certificate for their birthday. Now, my mother, when she was alive, spoiled the grandkids and loved it. My father spoils the kids which is horrible since he lives with us.

12-14-2012, 08:15 AM	#13
caitlinsmom Mouseketeer Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: south of boston Posts: 205	My ILs can't be bothered. They called on DD's birthday to ask DH a question and as an afterthought asked DH to wish her a happy birthday. She was right there yet they didn't want to talk to her. They are like this with DS and DNephew also but my other BILs son (and his half sister) they are good grandparents. It sucks when they care more about a child that is not blood (BIL's ex-wife's daughter with her new husband) than they do their other 2 son's kids. My parents and step-dad more than make up for it though.

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