Dating life down the toilet

[disykat]

Originally Posted by nchulka

Most people aren't thinking about that when they are loving the single, family free, care free life of a 40 something.

You really think that? That is so opposite my experience. Everyone I know that is single, family free, and carefree at 40 something sometimes, and I'll even say often, wishes they were having a different experience but are choosing to live a vibrant happy life anyway.

[shells4]

I didn't read thru all 4 pages, so sorry if someone has pointed this out. You know you are with the right person when your focus of "how am I going to live with this person for the next 40 years" changes to "I don't want to live without this person."

[Kies99]

You know the old breakup line of "it's not you, it's me"? In this case it seems to me that it should be "it's not me, it's YOU".

Sorry OP, but it does seem like you need to try and change your attitude some. NOT SAYING TO SETTLE OR ANYTHING, just try to look beyond the first (and sometimes second and third) impressions.

You remind me of the "Friends" episode with Chandler always picking out some obscure little quirk as the reason he can no longer date someone.

[Disney Doll]

Originally Posted by nchulka

I didn't mean that the spouse would be there for them forever. Obviously one spouse will die first, leaving the other alone. But if you have been married and had children, then you will have children and grandchildren, you will have family to care for and love you.

Someone else mentioned making sure they had enough money to care for themselves. The woman I have been talking about has plenty of money, but she has no connections to anyone to be a support system. This is not an economic problem, she can pay for her care and lifestyle. She has no one that cares for and loves her though.

I'm not saying that anyone HAS to get married and have a family, I'm just trying to point out to anyone who enjoys being single and free in their 20's, 30's, and 40's, that it may get old and you may regret it in your 60's and 70's and then it will be too late. I certainly don't think any ill of single or childless people, I just sometimes feel sorry for elderly folks in nursing/retirement homes who have no families. Most people aren't thinking about that when they are loving the single, family free, care free life of a 40 something.

And again I will say to you that I have encountered many people in 30 years of nursing, as well as in my more personal circle, who have children and grandchiuldren that don't give a hoot about them.

As far as the OP, based on what is posted here, it sounds as if you are protecting yourself in some way by never being able to find anyone attractive in your real world. And while TV personalities are real people, the truth is that unless you have occasion to interact with them on a regular basis, they are not in your real world.

Andtototoo's post brought up a lot of good points, so no need for me to repeat them. But sometimes when the rest of the world doesn't seem to be cooperating, it's time to look within.

[Mariep26]

I haven't read the whole thread but I do want to say that it is a hard dating world out there and you have a strong personality (nothing wrong with that) and you are a strong woman (certainly nothing wrong with that) and sometimes others can't handle a woman that can take care of herself.
I am certainly not saying to ever give up but I sense you have a lot of love to give. Specific to the subject of child rearing have you ever considered fostering or adoption. I sense from your post you are a good, caring, self aware, and beautiful person (inside and out)... you could have so much to offer to a child that doesn't have the simple thing of a parents love.

[tennvalgirl]

My advice is to STOP looking. My sweetheart found me when I not interested in looking anymore ya know?

[ChiCat]

I dated someone for 7.5 years and was thrilled to be single after we broke up. I had FUN and lots of it, for about 3 years with no desire to find a boyfriend let alone a husband. That's why when I met my husband I was a wreck. I remember obsessing about him on the phone to my BFF (cuz really I didn't know what to do, I wasn't at all looking for another relationship) and she told me "oh bud you are in love". It hit me like a ton of bricks! I tried denying it to her and myself but eventually I just came to terms with reality LOL.

So my advice is common but don't think about it! Go out and meet new friends, online or with a new hobby, have fun. I think if you worry too much you may miss out on something extraordinarily wonderful. My DH is someone I never pictured myself with, if I had a bunch of silly rules set in my head of who I could date I would have never given him the chance!

Be open minded, meet new people, and have fun.

[I Love Pluto]

To defend me, my husband, and my son. We are quite normal, not weirdos.

I typed this to have fun. My son does live with us. We have a mutual agreement. He pays us rent. He is a banker, but doesn't make a terrific amount of money. Why should he suffer financial hardship when we own a home & have room?

There is NOTHING WRONG with parents helping their son out. He is as normal as can be. If the right woman came along, he would date with respect. He just ended a relationship in which he was being used. He has in the past, and will continue to be, a respectful man who cares about others.

Just because a guy lives with his parents does NOT indicate weakness. Maybe he's just smart, not risking financial ruin.

Please don't put us down. We are very nice people. Thanks!

[I Love Pluto]

Originally Posted by Robbi

Sorry, I have a 37 year old son and I've decided it's time for him to settle down.
Of course, the problem with he and the OP would be that he is very opinionated and stubborn and pig headed.

Please, don't be mean. Thank you!

[ChiCat]

Originally Posted by I Love Pluto

To defend me, my husband, and my son. We are quite normal, not weirdos.

I typed this to have fun. My son does live with us. We have a mutual agreement. He pays us rent. He is a banker, but doesn't make a terrific amount of money. Why should he suffer financial hardship when we own a home & have room?

There is NOTHING WRONG with parents helping their son out. He is as normal as can be. If the right woman came along, he would date with respect. He just ended a relationship in which he was being used. He has in the past, and will continue to be, a respectful man who cares about others.

Just because a guy lives with his parents does NOT indicate weakness. Maybe he's just smart, not risking financial ruin.

Please don't put us down. We are very nice people. Thanks!

When my coworker met her husband he was 29 and living at home. If he is a good man that's definitely one of the rules that I find silly to set.

[Lynne M]

Originally Posted by disykat

You really think that? That is so opposite my experience. Everyone I know that is single, family free, and carefree at 40 something sometimes, and I'll even say often, wishes they were having a different experience but are choosing to live a vibrant happy life anyway.

Well, I know it, cause I'm living the single, family free life at 53, and loving it. Really. I don't wish for a husband or kids at all. I've got lots of great friends and family, and I enjoy spending time with my friends' kids. There's no 'anyway'....this is the vibrant happy life that I chose.

[SpecialK]

Originally Posted by I Love Pluto

To defend me, my husband, and my son. We are quite normal, not weirdos.

I typed this to have fun. My son does live with us. We have a mutual agreement. He pays us rent. He is a banker, but doesn't make a terrific amount of money. Why should he suffer financial hardship when we own a home & have room?

There is NOTHING WRONG with parents helping their son out. He is as normal as can be. If the right woman came along, he would date with respect. He just ended a relationship in which he was being used. He has in the past, and will continue to be, a respectful man who cares about others.

Just because a guy lives with his parents does NOT indicate weakness. Maybe he's just smart, not risking financial ruin.

Please don't put us down. We are very nice people. Thanks!

When I met my husband, he was living with his parents. He had just finished college after going back to school as an adult, was in grad school, and working one full-time and three part-time jobs to pay for his education.

No one I dated ever treated me better, and that continues to be true after twenty years of marriage. We have two teenage boys, and our door will always be open to them.

[goofyintoronto]

Originally Posted by I Love Pluto

To defend me, my husband, and my son. We are quite normal, not weirdos.

I typed this to have fun. My son does live with us. We have a mutual agreement. He pays us rent. He is a banker, but doesn't make a terrific amount of money. Why should he suffer financial hardship when we own a home & have room?

There is NOTHING WRONG with parents helping their son out. He is as normal as can be. If the right woman came along, he would date with respect. He just ended a relationship in which he was being used. He has in the past, and will continue to be, a respectful man who cares about others.

Just because a guy lives with his parents does NOT indicate weakness. Maybe he's just smart, not risking financial ruin.

Please don't put us down. We are very nice people. Thanks!

I totally hear what your saying. Sounds like you have a very smart kid. Its really hard sometimes on a single income. Trust me i know.

Sent from my Galaxy SII

[disykat]

Originally Posted by Lynne M

Well, I know it, cause I'm living the single, family free life at 53, and loving it. Really. I don't wish for a husband or kids at all. I've got lots of great friends and family, and I enjoy spending time with my friends' kids. There's no 'anyway'....this is the vibrant happy life that I chose.

Then I guess you're the audience that nchulka is talking to.

It's just a really strange thing to me that she is assuming single people choose to be alone and will pay a price later.

I was attempting to stand up for single people, I guess I failed.

[Tigger&Belle]

I am strong and opinionated and stubborn. If I weren't, I'm not so sure I would have made it through the crap I've gone through and actually, my strength has emerged during and after my hard times. I suppose it was there, however I couldn't see it.

I would have rather been alone than ended up in a bad relationship. And believe me, for several years I was willing to settle. It wasn't until I stepped back from my not-so-great dating decisions and decided to be happy alone, if need be, that I met my soulmate. I am lesbian, so I fell for a woman, however I don't think it matters if a person is gay, straight, or bi. It's a matter of finding the perfect match for each of us. Not the perfect person--that just doesn't exist. Just as I am not perfect, I cannot expect my partner to be without faults.

I am now living with my girlfriend, which presents a whole new set of challenges (and joys). We are learning to accept imperfection in each other and to be gentle with each other. We are both strong, opinionated, and stubborn. Our values and morals are very alike, and our interests are somewhat different from each other. It seems to work for us.

I would suggest putting yourself out in the dating world, however instead of looking for a future husband, try to concentrate on making friends. That's what I did when I ended up meeting my GF. I'd decided to listen to my gut feelings and not ignore red flags like I'd previously done. I figured that I could always use more friends, if that's the most to come out of it. If we were not friend material, that would be fine, too. I wanted more, but was not willing to settle. Compromises are crucial, but only to a certain degree. I knew I couldn't expect to change someone's personality, so needed to find a match in that department. We can change our habits, but not the basic structure of our personalities.

Perhaps ask friends what their thoughts are on how you come across and ask for suggestions. It is hard to see ourselves from the point of view of another person.

Good luck and have fun!