Christmas family drama - Page 3 - The DIS Discussion Forums

Andtototoo · 12-05-2012, 05:17 PM

I think I'd have to know more about the nature of the argument before I could say what I'd be doing. Some family battles are just skirmishes. Others are take-no-prisoners wars. So my response would be based upon the nature of the argument. Is it a petty argument over the election or were nasty names called in a serious manner? Was a child gently teased upon a topic the SIL didn't know was a sore spot or did she deliberately tease a child over a known disability like a speech impediment? In other words, was it a small mistake compounded by joint stubbornness or a serious bad behavior that goes to character?

For example: I have a relative, let's call her Susie. Susie is a drama queen and very privileged princess who is entitled to everything from everyone and never ever does/admits to doing anything wrong. She has engaged in many stupid, obnoxious behaviors. She often seems to enjoy taking an opposing viewpoint just to have the "fun" of an argument. None of that was reason to shun her or refuse to attend a holiday gathering for "fear" of seeing her.

What WAS reason to refuse to attend a holiday gathering she was hosting was when we had incontrovertible proof in the form of one of us actually seeing and hearing Susie badmouthing us to several friends/neighbors. Very nasty words and some outright lies. To add insult to injury, when we called her out on it, she then got mad at us for "eavesdropping" and insisted that we were the ones at fault and she had every right to say whatever she wanted to anyone she wanted with no repercussions. (Because she's the most special snowflake EVER!) THAT was when Susie got dropped from our invitation list and we chose not to attend events for which she was the hostess. We were not going to provide to or accept hospitality from her.

Her behavior did not, however, keep us from attending family events at which she was another guest because that would fall in the category of "cutting off nose to spite face." On those occasions we would use the "dead to me" strategy, which worked quite well for us.

arminnie · 12-05-2012, 06:49 PM

Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.

Pigeon · 12-05-2012, 07:25 PM

I agree with the pp who said your husband obviously does hold grudges.

No way would I send my kids off elsewhere. We'd either go together (but only if dh could be pleasant) or we'd stay home.

mickeysgal · 12-05-2012, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arminnie

Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.

LOL. Did they ever suspect you opened the gifts?

njcarita · 12-05-2012, 10:12 PM

yeah i also vote with all together ...............and not split up on Christmas Eve............... I have had issues thru the yr with one aunt and uncle...........but I chose to ignore best i can ..........and just move forward......... we have had some tense moments............. shes the aunt who swiped my kids pictures one year.... http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2707044 ........ but i luv them to death and they luv me............so i just overlook the other stuff..................... life is tooo short to hold grudges....it would have to be something major for me to split up my family on Christmas eve..... hope they work it out

Mouse House Mama · 12-05-2012, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmy3

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

Not really sure why you quoted me and made that comment.

Not quite sure what to make of it.

westjones · 12-05-2012, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rylee

Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.

I would also support my husband if he normally doesn't hold grudges but felt strongly.

LuLuO · 12-06-2012, 01:08 AM

If he is fine with the kids going, then maybe you should take the kids over since it sounds like you want to go too. Spend a few hours and then head back home.

mfd25wife · 12-06-2012, 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvestodizz

DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.

I read the op again. Many pp are posting as if you asked what should you do. It sounds like you are
doing what I would want to do, support DH either way but try to find a way to gently help him decide to go to SIL's for Christmas Eve. As for easing his feelings, IMO all you can do is tell him you love and support him. Maybe tell him you are hurt, also but you don't want him or you to look back
with regret. Remind him how important holidays with family is and you want your kids to have memories of the entire family together.

I know not everyone would agree, but if his feelings are truly hurt regardless of the reason, I can't imagine how hurt he will be if you don't support him. If he is considering not celebrating the holiday even in the same house with your SIL, it seems like it would be hard to get it out of his mind if you ignore his feelings.

You said he had tried to keep some contact by trying to talk to the BIL but the gesture wasn't
returned. Based on that, I don't think he should just be treated like he's being a baby.

The Mystery Machine · 12-06-2012, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmy3

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

I would be about "esculation" in this incidence. Yes it is manipulative however it needs to be done. Your dh does not have a problem manipulating you guys...so I would start the counter manipulation tactics.

You tell IL's that your family is staying home because of your dh.

If family wants you guys there then they need to "kiss & make up".

Put it this way, this is your chance to put a full court press on your dh to "fix" the situation.

Now you can be "sweet" about it if you want to go that route which has a nice devious twist.....

Example.....Hugs to kids and family and tell them that we are going to support your boycott. He will start insisting that you guys go and then you say, no we are going to stay HERE and support you!

You say the same thing to the IL's.....Ex. "I don't want to leave DH here alone on C. Eve". (Hey it is a valid argument).

All this is done to guilt your dh into making up with family. Can you out manipulated your dh?

Anyway, just a thought from the peanut gallery. I hope you figure it out.

luvmy3 · 12-06-2012, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arminnie

Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama

Not really sure why you quoted me and made that comment.

Not quite sure what to make of it.

Because you made a comment about him dealing with "his" family, and I just wanted to point out that not everyone feels that way about their in laws. I have been with my dh for almost 20 years (wow that makes me feel old) and I have been a part of his family since the beginning so that makes them "my" family too. The OP made a comment and said she wants to see them, so I figure its the same way for her.
I was going to comment on your post, but after I read the other pp's I just put my thoughts all together.
That's all, nothing really meant by it

brmom · 12-06-2012, 07:48 AM

Was he invited over for Christmas Eve? I am from a family with lots of strained relationships and that is what I go by. If they called and invited your family, go. I would NOT send my kids alone with MIL without an invitation from the person who is hosting the gathering, especially if gifts are exchanged. That could damage a fragile relationship irreparably. I get really mamabear when they hurt my kids.

Pigeon · 12-06-2012, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Mystery Machine

I would be about "esculation" in this incidence. Yes it is manipulative however it needs to be done. Your dh does not have a problem manipulating you guys...so I would start the counter manipulation tactics.

You tell IL's that your family is staying home because of your dh.

If family wants you guys there then they need to "kiss & make up".

Put it this way, this is your chance to put a full court press on your dh to "fix" the situation.

Now you can be "sweet" about it if you want to go that route which has a nice devious twist.....

Example.....Hugs to kids and family and tell them that we are going to support your boycott. He will start insisting that you guys go and then you say, no we are going to stay HERE and support you!

You say the same thing to the IL's.....Ex. "I don't want to leave DH here alone on C. Eve". (Hey it is a valid argument).

All this is done to guilt your dh into making up with family. Can you out manipulated your dh?

Anyway, just a thought from the peanut gallery. I hope you figure it out.

Wow. It is not my job to micromanage my husband's relationship with his family. He's an adult, they are his family, and he can decide how to interact with them.

If he tried to manipulate my relationship with my family (he would never do that, thank goodness) we would have WW3.

The Mystery Machine · 12-06-2012, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pigeon

Wow. It is not my job to micromanage my husband's relationship with his family. He's an adult, they are his family, and he can decide how to interact with them.

If he tried to manipulate my relationship with my family (he would never do that, thank goodness) we would have WW3.

I agree, until my dh puts me in the middle as in the case of the OP. He tossed his grudge in her court.

Then it becomes my problem which I will have to decide how I want to play it.

How about OP tells her DH to call his sister and tell her why his family is not coming to C. Eve. It is forward, blunt and takes OP out of it.

Wishing on a star · 12-06-2012, 09:23 AM

I have to agree with Pigeon on this one.

Yes, it IS the OP's problem.
And, yes, he has, in a way, put her in the middle.
And, yes, she has to decide how to deal with it.

But, IMHO, manipulation, counter-tactics, involving others, etc...
Not the way to go.

The OP didn't post ANY info about what the argument/words were all about.
And, she seems to be AWOL...
To me, that is flag number one.

Flag number two, I am not sure that she has fully understood the depth of what is going on. If her husband is usually a more even/normal/rational person (which she seems to have said), but his reaction to this is this strong, there is something more here than meets the eye.

I don't think I would make a decision on how to handle this, either way, until I understood what was going on.

In the end, she does have to, in some way, support her husband.

12-05-2012, 06:49 PM	#32
arminnie Tossed the butter kept the gin I had to save it for "special" occasions (like when no one I knew would see me) Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Arkansas and New Orleans Posts: 7,271	Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve. When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year. We loved it as 1) We got to open one present early before they left. 2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them. __________________ Fear the tree!

12-05-2012, 10:12 PM	#35
njcarita BL II - Red Team If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? the name DANNY TERRIO pooped into my head I swear I am full of useless information... Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 1,930	yeah i also vote with all together ...............and not split up on Christmas Eve............... I have had issues thru the yr with one aunt and uncle...........but I chose to ignore best i can ..........and just move forward......... we have had some tense moments............. shes the aunt who swiped my kids pictures one year.... http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2707044 ........ but i luv them to death and they luv me............so i just overlook the other stuff..................... life is tooo short to hold grudges....it would have to be something major for me to split up my family on Christmas eve..... hope they work it out __________________ POR 10/10, P0P 11/08 ,POP /Bahama Bay Resort 12/06-1/07, all star movies 11/05 , pop 12/04 , cbr 2/04 ,dolphin 4/03, all star music 11/02 & 9/98, off site on honeymoon 7/88 before 1988 didn't keep track- must have been over 20 times to disney- went every year with family Here we go again!!!! starting weight Jan 1 2013 194.8lbs Height 5'8" BMI 29.6 Mar 1 2013 189 BMI 28.7 April 24 2013 187 BMI 28.4 Goal 150

12-06-2012, 01:08 AM	#38
LuLuO I am against mandatory fun Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: MO Posts: 2,321	If he is fine with the kids going, then maybe you should take the kids over since it sounds like you want to go too. Spend a few hours and then head back home. __________________ "The stories my kids will tell one day depends on me. I am writing their book” - Kellee Hampton "I work out because I know I would've been the first to die in the Hunger Games." - someecards.com "Just because I can't do it today, doesn't mean I'm not going to be able to do it someday." - Arthur Boorman "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers–so many caring people in this world." - Fred Rogers

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12-05-2012, 05:17 PM	#31
Andtototoo DIS Veteran Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 2,338	I think I'd have to know more about the nature of the argument before I could say what I'd be doing. Some family battles are just skirmishes. Others are take-no-prisoners wars. So my response would be based upon the nature of the argument. Is it a petty argument over the election or were nasty names called in a serious manner? Was a child gently teased upon a topic the SIL didn't know was a sore spot or did she deliberately tease a child over a known disability like a speech impediment? In other words, was it a small mistake compounded by joint stubbornness or a serious bad behavior that goes to character? For example: I have a relative, let's call her Susie. Susie is a drama queen and very privileged princess who is entitled to everything from everyone and never ever does/admits to doing anything wrong. She has engaged in many stupid, obnoxious behaviors. She often seems to enjoy taking an opposing viewpoint just to have the "fun" of an argument. None of that was reason to shun her or refuse to attend a holiday gathering for "fear" of seeing her. What WAS reason to refuse to attend a holiday gathering she was hosting was when we had incontrovertible proof in the form of one of us actually seeing and hearing Susie badmouthing us to several friends/neighbors. Very nasty words and some outright lies. To add insult to injury, when we called her out on it, she then got mad at us for "eavesdropping" and insisted that we were the ones at fault and she had every right to say whatever she wanted to anyone she wanted with no repercussions. (Because she's the most special snowflake EVER!) THAT was when Susie got dropped from our invitation list and we chose not to attend events for which she was the hostess. We were not going to provide to or accept hospitality from her. Her behavior did not, however, keep us from attending family events at which she was another guest because that would fall in the category of "cutting off nose to spite face." On those occasions we would use the "dead to me" strategy, which worked quite well for us.

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12-05-2012, 07:25 PM	#33
Pigeon DIS Veteran Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 6,845	I agree with the pp who said your husband obviously does hold grudges. No way would I send my kids off elsewhere. We'd either go together (but only if dh could be pleasant) or we'd stay home.

12-06-2012, 07:48 AM	#42
brmom Earning My Ears Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 63	Was he invited over for Christmas Eve? I am from a family with lots of strained relationships and that is what I go by. If they called and invited your family, go. I would NOT send my kids alone with MIL without an invitation from the person who is hosting the gathering, especially if gifts are exchanged. That could damage a fragile relationship irreparably. I get really mamabear when they hurt my kids.

12-06-2012, 09:23 AM	#45
Wishing on a star DIS Veteran Another proud Southerner! Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 12,482	I have to agree with Pigeon on this one. Yes, it IS the OP's problem. And, yes, he has, in a way, put her in the middle. And, yes, she has to decide how to deal with it. But, IMHO, manipulation, counter-tactics, involving others, etc... Not the way to go. The OP didn't post ANY info about what the argument/words were all about. And, she seems to be AWOL... To me, that is flag number one. Flag number two, I am not sure that she has fully understood the depth of what is going on. If her husband is usually a more even/normal/rational person (which she seems to have said), but his reaction to this is this strong, there is something more here than meets the eye. I don't think I would make a decision on how to handle this, either way, until I understood what was going on. In the end, she does have to, in some way, support her husband.